WEE-OOO WEE-OOO WEE-OOO WEE-OOO WEE-OOO WEE-OOO
FIRST-EVER GUEST POST AT I DO THINGS!
My policy on guest posts has always been a big selfish NO! because it’s my blog and get your own blog. But then this poor soul reached out to me and said, “Wise JD, your readers — and by extension, the world — need to know how to remove a skin tag.”
Well, guess what? I am never going to remove a skin tag in my life, so why not let “Some Lady” tell us how?
Tag — You’re It!
OK, so you know how you’re on approach to the Big 5-0 and you keep getting zits?
You are stunned no one told you that you’d get them far past your teens, but you accept it. Zits are relatively easy to get rid of. A little time, a little stringent. You cope.
Besides, if you could pick anything from the family of gross skin disorders, zits win because there are far worse alternatives.
So you’re motorin’ along, dealing with your 40-something zits, but then along comes zit’s idiot brother who crashes parties and everyone hates because he’s an ugly drunk.
That brother is a skin tag. A gnarly, flip-flappy piece of skin that shows up uninvited and never leaves, even when you ask nicely and try to send it off with a six-pack.
I had a skin tag for a few weeks in a very unfortunate place. Right on the county line that runs between East Thigh-Butt and North Hooha.
That’s right. There.
I allow it to camp out undisturbed until one day the tag caught on my underwear and hurt like a mother. The time had come to kick it to the curb. I didn’t want to see a dermatologist because I wasn’t too keen on showing anyone where it was. Isn’t it enough you have to go to the gynecologist and show him all your junk under a flood light? One crotch visit a year is plenty, thank you.
So thus began my venture into Googleland for “how to remove a skin tag at home.”
Ready? Here are the choices:
- Each night, coat the skin tag with clear nail polish and let it dry. Apply a bandaid. In the morning, use nail polish remover to wipe off the polish and apply a new coat.
- Disinfect a pair of scissors or nail clippers and CUT IT OFF. You will bleed. A lot and forever.
- Tie a string, fishing line, or dental floss around the base of the tag and pull tight enough that it cuts off blood flow to the tag. It will balloon, dry up, turn black and fall off.
- Cover it with duct tape. Yes, duct tape, the staple of handyman toolkits and medical science alike.
The bleeding option was out and so were the bandaid and duct tape methods because I don’t want anything adhesive next to my goodies.
That left only the choke-to-death method.
And so I tie sewing thread in a little noose, hike my leg up on the bathroom sink, and bend over in a position suitable only for advanced yoga enthusiasts.
I pull up on my thigh, hold the string around the tag and pull tight. I miss, try again – pull tight – I miss, try again – pull tight – success!
I choke my skin tag for a few hours then take a shower, where my expertly tied noose is flung off. It is now stuck to the shower curtain, still tied and laughing at me. Amateur.
I make a new noose.
This time, I try sturdier dental floss, mint flavor. Waxed dental floss is sticky and doesn’t tie smoothly. But I try over and over until I sufficiently choke the tag and we all feel minty fresh.
Two days later, the noose falls off again in the shower.
Frack it all.
I think it’s never coming off and I’m going to have to bite the bullet and let a doctor have at it.
But then . . .
During a review of the situation, I discover that the noose must have worked well enough because now I have what looks like a mushroom growing down there.
A little stem with a dark bulbous cap on top.
I have murdered my skin tag.
I want to yank that sucker off, but I’m afraid of pain.
But afraider still of showing this thing to my gynecologist, who I have to see in a few days. What if it doesn’t fall off in time?
And so I hold my breath, squeeze my eyes shut and pull hard and fast.
The mushroom cap pops right off! I’m standing in the ladies room holding my dead skin tag, feeling triumphant and now finally free of zit’s idiot brother.
So there you have it. How to get rid of a skin tag while keeping absolutely none of your dignity.
Mushroom came from here