Jump by your will or be taken by force
I’ll get you either way
Trying to keep the hellfire lit
I am stalking you as prey

Welcome! Professor JD here. You might already be familiar with my esteemed colleague Dr. JD, who helps troubled and diseased souls across the Internet with their medical issues.

My role is similar. If you have a question, I will answer it! For free! As a professor of . . . things, I consider no question too bizarre or too personal.

So let’s get to it!

Just how often are you puking on your shower curtain? You do know you’re supposed to puke in the toilet, right? When it comes down to cleaning up puke or installing a new shower curtain, it’s a toss-up (see what I did there?) I suggest moving to a new house, one that has a shower door. But aim for the toilet.

Well, first you need to ask yourself if you even like porn. Maybe you’re one of those weirdos who doesn’t get turned on by photos of naked dogs posing on furry rugs. But if you’re not one of those weirdos, perhaps you have a collection of porn videos that is confusing and scaring you. Please forward these videos to Professor JD for a more in-depth resolution to your query.

Ending this question with an exclamation point makes me feel excited about big butts! Yes, I agree, you must get a big butt no matter what. If butt implants (WARNING: photos of butts!) are too expensive, consider either eating lots of donuts or eating lots of pizza or both. (It worked for Professor JD!)

Let the other person make the first move. It’s horribly embarrassing to find your tongue jammed into someone’s mouth when they were just going in for a polite peck.

It’s simple: One tongue goes in the opposite mouth. This is assuming we’re talking about two people. If it’s more than two, you’re just going to have to draw a diagram or something.

Men show their tongues when working out as a way to attract women, duh. Also, why all the interest in tongues? Tongues are better when you ignore them. Once you start thinking too much about your tongue . . . damn it.

This may actually be the title of a Lifetime movie as opposed to a question. Either way, my answer is: Maybe.

Are you responsible for that topless person from above? If so, give her back her underware. This game is no longer funny.

The thong may start out lying on top of the butt, however, chances are as you move around throughout the day, it will begin to slip inexorably up the butt. Some people claim that this sensation is not annoying. These people were obviously born without nerve endings in their butt cracks.

No.

This question has baffled scholars and scientists for years. How the fuck potatoes grow is that you stick a potato seed in the fucking ground and wait a while. Then you pull it out of the ground and fucking eat it.

While this is not exactly a question, I feel compelled to point out that “netherregions” is only appropriate as a single word when referencing Robert Plant. Example 1: “My nether regions are all itchy.” Example 2: “Robert Plant’s netherregions look like they’d be all itchy.” (Because Robert Plant wears such tight jeans, is my reasoning.)

Yes, although in America we spell it “fetus,” which makes more sense because it has fewer letters. That “o” is totally unnecessary. Where are you from? I bet you pronounce “lieutenant” with an “f.”

Of course not! Who told you that? I hope Dr. JD isn’t filling your head with nonsense about green leafy vegetables and “high cholesterol” again.

Well, the statute of limitation on poison is nineteen years, so you are pretty much shit out of luck unless you happened to have a video camera set up in your bedroom. Did you? Were you able to capture any ghosts or other paranormal entities? Were the ghosts friendly or did they try to scare you? I’m beginning to think the ghosts were responsible for your poisoning, in which case, once again, you are shit out of luck.

I would imagine Amazon.com sells Pentagon-shaped crackers. They sell freaking everything. I’ve ordered Washington Monument-shaped crackers from Amazon, and man, are those things pointy.

If you see a moth that looks like a pork chop, you should run. If, by chance, you are feeling brave and creative, I would recommend that you compose a song about this moth to the tune of Aerosmith’s “Dude Looks Like a Lady.”

No. It’s a way of saying you are a pork chop.

Yes. If you listen to Metallica’s “One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Devil!” backwards, you will hear the line “How the fuck do (green) potatoes grow.” Any song that includes the F-word is automatically about the devil; hence green potatoes = the devil.

HA! Everyone wants to know this. Believe me, you wouldn’t even know what to do with a JD if you got one.

What I mean is, I like it burnt to the point of the liquid turning to ash, which is actually impossible, so I think then what I mean is that I like it really hot? (Does anyone else know the answer to this one?)

This is true. Many people erroneously believe that bones can actually burn if a fire is hot enough. This is absurd! Bones cannot burn! No, there is a giant bone dumpsite just outside of Newark. That’s where your bones (and too-hot coffee) go.

Cube heads can be the most difficult to shop for, especially when it comes to sexy underware. The thing to remember is, the shape of the head does not necessarily have anything to do with the shape of the nether regions. At least I don’t think so. Because, man, that would be bizarre, wouldn’t it?

Yes, you are. Sorry. Blood relatives who share sex germs usually end up with cube-headism, which may or may not affect your nether regions. I’ll have to confer with Dr. JD, but I think the only cure is to eat a steady diet of green potatoes.

What the hell kind of parent are you? You probably let your son play with your sex toys too. For god’s sake, pick out the bugs first. As for the bugs he’s ingested? It’s too late. I hope you feel guilty.

Ah, yes. I remember there was a bit of a kerfluffle when everyone forgot Prudence’s first birthday. Don’t let it happen again. Mark this down in your calendar: March 28. She will be three years old next year.

Yes. Yes, they do.

*        *        *

Do YOU have a question for Professor JD? Does it have to do with tongues? If it has to do with tongues, please just Google it.

___________________

Mutant tongue came from here

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53 Comments


53 Responses to “Professor JD Answers Your Questions”

  1. 1 Tara

    Oh yuck. I LOLed over the Moth Looks Like A Pork Chop song, but heaved a little over the sex toys. Thanks for the laugh-chuck.
    .-= Tara´s last blog ..So- our carbon monoxide detector works =-.

  2. 2 Kathy

    Man, when you go away and come back to blogging, you really freaking know how to put us all to shame! Laughed through this whole thing, except for when I banged my head against my desk after reading the 20-year-old poisoning question. OMG, people google this stuff?!?!!?

    I’m a little bit worried about the future mental health of the person who used his or her parents’ sex toy. Yikes.

    CUBE HEAD!
    .-= Kathy´s last blog ..The Thing I Swore I’d Never Tell Anyone =-.

  3. 3 Susan

    Professor JD and Dr. JD posts are my favorites I think. I’ve missed you.
    .-= Susan´s last blog ..The Avett Brothers =-.

  4. 4 seafoodpunch

    bahahahaha. ALways the best questions

    I think someone tried to get me to play that game where I have to drink something and then take of my ‘underware’. I didnt know how to play and I lost since i went home still fully clothed and the guy won a swift kick in the balls.

    Fucking potatoes piss me off
    .-= seafoodpunch´s last blog ..Kids Like Beards =-.

  5. 5 Pricilla

    It’s good you are here to answer these pressing questions.

    I have one for you. If one would not know what to do with a j.d. if one had one why did the male person spend soooooooo much money, time and stress getting one to then work for soooooooo many years to retire to be a goat farmer?
    .-= Pricilla´s last blog ..AbbyDay – I am the Queen of the Spinach =-.

  6. 6 puglette

    so much information. i am trying to absorb everything, but i will just hit a few highlights.

    i am a pork chop, i am a pork chop. this refrain should be sung to the beatles tune “i am a walrus”.

    robert plant’s nether regions. RSB. i kind of stopped paying attention after you brought this up. i would be available to scratch that itch.

    cleaning puke off a shower curtain…hello! the shower is a cleaning location, usually with hot water and soap available to assist in said cleaning.

    cube head, i assumed this was a similar malady like pin head in hellraiser.

    and regarding the idiot that used their parents sex toy…you should have asked yourself this question prior to using said toy. and the bigger question is why would you ever consider using this in the first place!? idiot.

    thank you for another informative, thought provoking post.
    hugs,
    puglette
    :)
    .-= puglette´s last blog ..In Loving Remembrance of Skippy-Wu =-.

  7. 7 Kathleen Kaufman

    I heart this post so very much. Especially the really good insight on fucking potatoes. I planted potatoes this year because we don’t have any fucking money, so I planted whatever sprouted in my kitchen….

    Here’s my question, and it’s definitive of the fact that I have a 2 1/2 year old who is obsessed with the Disney movie ‘Cars’, I’ve watched Cars 300 times in the last week. I know every line, every scene, every nuance,yet I have not been able to answer this question:

    If two cars fall in love and want to have a baby car….what happens? Do they go do the car factory and pick out a little mini? Who makes the cars? Who repairs them when they break down? The shocking lack of opposable thumbs makes me nervous for all of them. How does a car ‘die’? Does a car have to sign a donor card if his parts get transplanted in other cars after his demise?

    Okay, so that’s like 10 questions, but The Husband won’t talk to me about it anymore and Adorablepants’ answer is always ‘McQueen! Kachow!’ Which is his way of saying ‘Shut it and let me watch my movie”
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..We Are All Whoopi Goldberg =-.

  8. 8 Anonymous

    Dr. JD … Dr. JD !

    I think I was supposed to have my moobs removed but accidently got a lobotomy !

    Help !

    - Jaffer

  9. 9 Regan

    Dr JD, Why does my cat like to eat bacon, cheese, meat, bread, and cake? She ruined my cake because she ate some of it.

  10. 10 Surfie

    I remember the time I found a box of lickable tatoos in my parents closet when I was looking to borrow a sweater from my mom. Geez, couldn’t they have hidden that thing, or at least put it aside somewhere less obvious? I can guarantee you, the thought of my parents having sex and using any kind of toys pretty much kills my sex drive.
    .-= Surfie´s last blog ..Worlds Smallest Cheese Grater! =-.

  11. 11 Nicky

    OK, these totally killed me! And then I tried to explain to my man why I was laughing so hard but all that came out was “Fucking potatoes…haha…shaped like pork chops….hahahaha…used my parents’ sex toys….hahahahahahaha….”

    He didn’t get it.

    “Do you want your coffee cremated” should actually read “Do you want your coffee cream-ated”. I’ve actually heard people say this when asking if you want cream in your coffee. I think it’s supposed to be witty or clever, but what do I know? I thought old men COULD ride bicycles!
    .-= Nicky´s last blog ..Nothing In Life Is Guaranteed… =-.

  12. 12 CatLadyLarew

    OMG… how have I lived all these years without your riveting answers to these compelling questions? Thank you, Professor JD!

    BTW… that’s why there’s a meat grinder at the crematorium… to crunch up the leftover chunks of bone. EEEWWW!
    .-= CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..Pfffft Help! Theme Thursday =-.

  13. 13 Kathleen Kaufman

    I have a really gory cremation story that I hesitate to share…..I’ll hold off until you approve, but it will answer a lot of questions concerning that bone question…..

    Oh yeah, I also want to know why the neighbor cat comes to my yard to take a dump? And while we’re at it, what are his parents feeding him? Pewww…….
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..We Are All Whoopi Goldberg =-.

  14. 14 Sparkle

    Actually, the answer to the last question is: Cats ARE angels.

    Heh-heh.
    .-= Sparkle´s last blog ..The Petties =-.

  15. 15 Daisy the Curly Cat

    You maded me laugh and laugh! And I also learned lots of new stuff. Except you might have made a tiny mistake about how ‘tatos grow. I am pretty sure they grow from EYEBALLZ. You stick them in the ground, and the eyez stretch out really long, and tiny potatoes grow from the eyeball stalks. Maybe Harley will have to research this one some.
    .-= Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog ..My New Stripey Hoodie =-.

  16. 16 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    Holy crap, woman. You’ve come back like gangbusters. I am so jealous because you get the coolest Google searches! I want to think of something smart-alecky to say, but I am so awesomified by your wit right now – this post just killed me!
    .-= Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog ..Goat Thing of the Day- Germs Are Baaaad- M’Kay =-.

  17. 17 babs - beetle

    These questions are unbelievable, but I’m so glad there are such stupid people around, or we wouldn’t get these hilarious posts for you.
    .-= babs – beetle´s last blog ..Flowers- and rolling in the grass! =-.

  18. 18 Jenny Beans

    OMG! I laughed so hard at this post and had morning coffee come out my nose. Now I’m wondering how many people are sitting at their laptops topless and wishing they weren’t.

  19. 19 Your Daily Cute

    A fabulous way to start my day!

    Do you think you could remind us a little closer to Prudence’s birthday, though? I mean, seriously. We’ll surely forget by March. Again.
    .-= Your Daily Cute´s last blog ..Breakdancing Kitty =-.

  20. 20 Stephanie Barr

    Only a couple of these even vaguely sounded like questions. Lord.

    How to get a “bigger” butt? They’re welcome to a slice of mine. Hell, two slices so their butt cheeks match.

    Who’s mouth should your tongue be in? Why your own. Most of us prefer that, if there’s another tongue in our mouths, it be still anchored, preferably to someone hot like Hugh Jackman. Detached foreign tongues are not nearly as sexy as it might seem and the blood is distracting, especially if your date is all “sparkly” in the sunshine.

    I also have to say that I don’t think there’s any fucking involved with potato growing. Germination, maybe, but not growing. But, thanks, the image of my plants making out at night will haunt me for weeks.

    I’m afraid, as a parent, I have to disagree with the bugs in the cereal answer. Are you kidding? In this day and age of sugar cereals and snacks, those bugs might be the only protein the kids gets.

    Great stuff as always, JD
    .-= Stephanie Barr´s last blog ..Value vs Worth =-.

  21. 21 JD

    Tara: “Laugh-chuck.” That’s a good one. I would be careful, tho. You could find yourself chucking all over the shower curtain.

    Kathy: I couldn’t make up funnier questions to answer, so kudos to the poor, grammatically challenged Googlers out there. Yes, the 20-year-old poison was one of my favorites. This is just bothering you NOW? CUBE HEAD!

    Susan: Aw, thanks. I (we?) missed you too.

    seafoodpunch: Yes, the questions are awesome. So did the guy win? Sounds like you won and he lost, but I guess it depends on how appealing a kick in the balls can be.

    Pricilla: Well, I can answer that for you. For some people, it is simply the attainment of the JD. Once it has been procured, the person is content and free to pursue a more rewarding occupation.

    puglette: Your “I Am a Porkchop” song shows great promise. Even more than “Moth Looks Like a Porkchop,” I think. Hee! Remember: It’s Robert Plant’s netherregions. All one word, because they are magical like that. You’re absolutely right about the shower curtain being a good place to puke, but YUCK it’s the shower curtain! I don’t know if I could take a shower there, knowing I was standing so close to cleaned-off puke.

    Kathleen Kaufman: OK, I am not familiar with “Cars” (or cars, for that matter), but I will do my best. I think cars have sex by hooking up their exhaust pipes. This may or may not involve tongues. The car baby grows in the female car’s carburetor until it hatches and comes out throught the windshield wiper fluid. Cars make themselves. It’s like Transformers. They can also repair themselves, which is terrifying when you think about it. Especially since cars never die. They may stop running, but they’re still alive. Waiting. Watching. KACHOW!

    Anonymous (AKA Jaffer): How the hell did this happen when you have only one head but two moobs??? I am referring your case to Dr. JD. Expect a call within the hour. And I hope you kept the part of your brain that was removed.

    Regan: A happy belated birthday to you! Listen, cats’ mouths are cleaner than human mouths. Therefore, she did you a favor by licking (AKA cleaning) your cake. As for the other food, she just has good taste! Wouldn’t you rather eat bacon and bread than smelly catfood?

    Surfie: EWWWWWWWWWW!!! I was lucky. I had absolutely no evidence that my parents ever had sex, other than my and my brother’s existence (tho I liked to pretend my parents were aliens who had stolen my brother and me from another family). Lickable tattoos is bad, but sex toys . . . gah.

    Nicky: If your man didn’t see the humor in “fucking potatoes,” then I feel bad for him. I would start laughing the instant someone said “fucking potatoes” to me. It’s just one of those phrases. I wish Professor JD had consulted you on the coffee question. She clearly didn’t know what she was talking about. Maybe that’s because “cream-ated” is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. She may have gotten the old man one wrong too.

    CatLadyLarew: Meat grinder? Are you sure? I actually thought bones did burn. I can see I need to consult with my readers before answering any more of these questions.

    Kathleen Kaufman: I APPROVE! As for the cat, I think it might be related to the dog who uses our yard as a dumping ground. You should smell our yard after a good hard rain on a summer morning. This is why I don’t plant fucking potatoes.

    Sparkle: Absolutely! This Professor JD has a lot to learn.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: Ohhh, I did not know about the eyeballz! Yes, please get Harley working on this. The eyeballz theory would make a lot of sense, since potatoes have eyes. Hmmm.

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): I will have to agree with you on my Google searches. And this was only a fraction of what I’ve got saved. You are too kind. And thank you.

    babs – beetle: I know, right? Now, was it you who asked about the “foetus”?

    Jenny Beans: HA! Well, I, for one, am topless right now, but that’s not a problem since I’ve already had my coffee.

    Your Daily Cute: Why, thank you! Yes, I’ll send out reminders to everyone so Pru doesn’t have to go through the pain and humiliation of another forgotten birthday.

  22. 22 Laura

    Love

    Yeah I think I’ll need to invest in some kind of secure storage area for the bedroom…wouldn’t want to scar my children (although the thought of THEM using MY toys…shudder. I wonder if the kid remembered to clean it afterwards. EW EW EW)

    and yes…pets are all angels…they put up with us humans, right?
    .-= Laura´s last blog ..Home Again Home Again Jiggety Jog =-.

  23. 23 Ron

    OH. MY. GOD.

    You are HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    How the hell did you come up with these answers????

    Freakin’ brilliant you are!

    “This question has baffled scholars and scientists for years. How the fuck potatoes grow is that you stick a potato seed in the fucking ground and wait a while. Then you pull it out of the ground and fucking eat it.”

    Bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
    Bwhahahahahahahahahaahahhaahha!

    I love you!

    X
    .-= Ron´s last blog ..Straight Women- Gay Men Friendships =-.

  24. 24 MomZombie

    Oh, J.D., you are the best. I’ve been so embarrassed to ask about cube headism. Thank you.
    .-= MomZombie´s last blog ..Why do people make things so complicated =-.

  25. 25 Jay

    Oh, my goodness. Are these genuine Googles?? These people are … these people are … there is no word for wtf these people are. Especially the ones asking about moths.

    But I think the one that takes the biscuit is the one about getting infected by using their parent’s sex toy. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! ‘Infected with what?’ I’m tempted to ask. Infected with parentism, perhaps? Or (judging by the way some of these … people? Are they real people?) talk, they probably mean ‘infected with guilt’.

    Thank you for that. I needed the laugh!

    The green potatoes! Hahahahaha! I LOVE your answer! ROFL!
    .-= Jay´s last blog ..Conversations with a husband – No 19 =-.

  26. 26 dcr

    So, are you saying there is something wrong with bugs in cereal? I thought they were additives used to increase the protein levels of the cereal?
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Silly or Stupid or Silly AND Stupid Spammers =-.

  27. 27 Anonymous

    No I did not keep the part of me brain – who in the right mind does that – oh wait that was my right mind !

    Perhaps Dr. JD can use me moobs and make ‘em think – I’d be the first to get brain implants.
    Ain’t that clever eh ? eh ? eh ?

    And that’s coming from someone with half-a-brain – literally !

  28. 28 JD

    Stephanie Barr: I could easily spare a large slice of right and left buttock myself. Who knows? It might help my lower back pain! Hee! I think I need to drag you in to answer some of these questions, especially the ones related to tongues, which make me squeamish. I have to admit: I’m having second thoughts myself on the bug issue, especially after reading your and dcr’s comments. Professor JD may have whiffed on that one.

    Laura: Professor JD loves you too. PARENTS! Please lock up your sex toys! There are worse things than sharing sex germs, believe me. Not that I speak from experience, thank god. I know my cats are angels . . . that is, when they’re not puking all over my bed.

    Ron: Your comments always make me laugh with glee. Thank you for always making me so happy. I love you too (but you knew that!)

    MomZombie: You’re welcome. It’s one of those questions no one wants to bring up but everyone wants to know about. It’s time we brought cube headism into the light. It’s ONLY CUBE HEADISM!

    Jay: Swear to gawd, I couldn’t make these up if I tried. And I have more. Many, many more. I hope you found the green potato answer helpful as well as funny. Professor JD strives to teach the masses. “Parentism” is a real disease, I think. Way worse than sex germs.

    dcr: Well, as Stephanie Barr (above) pointed out, bugs could be the only nutritious part of kids’ cereal, so crunch away!

    Anonymous (AKA: I know who you are): Send me your moobs — and your right brain if you ever find it. I have always wanted to build my own cube-headed creature. This will give me a good start.

  29. 29 J.

    Can old men ride bicycles? No.

    This question made me lol…and then use the expression “lol” in public which is not something I usually do.

    Also, thanks for the help on pentagon shaped crackers, I’ve been needing to get some for a while but was too embarassed to ask for them at the grocery store.
    .-= J.´s last blog ..Walters Thumb =-.

  30. 30 Kathleen Kaufman

    You have successfully given Cars a much darker edge. I like it though, and it’s nice to have an expert take my queries seriously, unlike The Husband who keeps repeating that its just a movie and I need to suspend my disbelief…pfffttt….

    Alright, you approved my cremation story and you only have yourself to blame.

    Here it goes:

    I met a girl some years back who told me this story and I have absolutely no proof that it’s true, except that it was a little too specific to be a lie by the normal standards.

    She was a biker and one of her biker friends had passed away. He was cremated and their whole group of biker friends had promised to take his ashes up on a mountain road and scatter them as they soared down the highway on their motorcycles.

    So they’re all soaring down the highway, and the guy in the lead had a girl on the back of his bike who had the ashes and was in charge of spraying them up to the heavens at just the right moment, so everyone behind them could watch.

    She opened up the container and without really looking inside started shaking them loose….except no one had told them that there are still significant chunks of bone in the ash….so instead of a beautiful memorial flag of dust in the wind….the people immediately behind the leader were blinded with clods of ash, then smacked in the face with chunks of bone. As they started veering out of the way, the whole formation started veering to avoid them and pretty soon it was a 10 motorcycle pileup.

    Probably not what the dearly departed had in mind.

    Again, I have no proof of the truthiness of this story….but unlike Cars…I have no desire to prove it wrong either.

    There ya go….you were warned.
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..We Are All Whoopi Goldberg =-.

  31. 31 cardiogirl

    This post. Was. Most. Excellent! This was my Most Excellent Surprise of the day!

    I’m coming off 48 hours of no electricity, 93 degree heat and everything in the refrigerator trashed and lost. I now have power, coffee cream and a functioning coffee maker, so life is good again.

    Okay, these just escalated from funny to hilarious and then we took a hairpin turn into OMG.

    Uh, the dude who used his parent’s sex toy (it’s a guy, you just KNOW it is) seriously freaked me out and made me exclaim out loud and then laugh hysterically.

    Thank you for ushering me back into the land of the living, JD.

    No question, just a boatload of thanks.
    .-= cardiogirl´s last blog ..The book of questions- Volume 99 =-.

  32. 32 Lisa

    Sooooooo…is it bad to be on the computer when on supposed camping adventure?

    Yeah, yeah…I do the outdoorsy stuff like hiking and stuff, but I can’t wait to find some wi-fi and log into the net.
    .-= Lisa´s last blog ..Pop-up’s Up =-.

  33. 33 meleah rebeccah

    I am CRYING laughing at some of your replies. There are actual tears running down my cheeks!

    I think ONE of my favorites questions was :

    “I never wanted to be topless”

    And YOUR reply:

    “This may actually be the title of a Lifetime movie as opposed to a question. Either way, my answer is: Maybe.”

    Oh and also, your explanation on how to grow potatoes fucking rocked.

    Thank you for giving me the best laugh of the day!!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Writing Rituals And The Muse =-.

  34. 34 Jen

    I can answer the tongue question, the middle one I think, the one about more than two tongues and who goes where. It’s just like coming to an intersection where everyone has a stop sign. You defer to the right. Meaning, you put your tongue in the mouth on the right, unless you are in London and then you go left, but I am assuming this is for American tongues. Otherwise, whoever got there first goes first. It’s not too challenging once you get the hang of it.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Enough With The Rain and Some Great Reads Too =-.

  35. 35 Patricia (Who is a true beauty)

    Doctor, Doctor, Gimme the News…

    (Actually I’ve just had my handful of MD doctors so I’m gonna stick to having you be a professor doctor right now.) If I may, I’d like to add the following suggestions to your cerebrally-challenged questioners…

    1. Cleaning a vomitful shower curtain is fun and easy! Wash it down with a hose and make an awesome hillbilly slip n’ slide! Weee!

    2. Uh…after professor J.D. does her…ahem…preliminary investigation, it’s best that an expert take a look…that expert being my husband. (SNAP!)

    3. Surgeon Plastic Brazillian Butt-Implants/Lift necessary! (Freshmen English is cool, too, and works out the bum nicely.)

    4- Just give her some vodka and Hawaiian punch or a Sex on the Beach until she sticks out her tongue–then she’ll show all the ‘hardware’ a going over.

    5. Never want to be topless? Wear your nicest bra in the shower–it cleans and you don’t feel nakkie….wait, maybe you and the butt lady should get together and trade parts? Wait…maybe the butt lady should talk to the thong lady who should talk to topless lady. In the end, wear a comfortable over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder and comfy nude colored granny panties. And stick out your tongue when you work out.

    Hmm…I’ve consulted Dan Quayle and…the fetus blob is a fucking potatoe, your mom accidently poisoned you by letting you eat bugs in your cereal about 19 years ago, and if you want a ‘j.d.,’ I suggest buying a relaxing swim in the horny male dolphin pool at SeaWorld. ;)

    Any questions?

  36. 36 Lauren

    Why do people waste their time asking such dumb ass questions about potatoes and tongues. And who the hell cares how the fuck potatoes grow anyway. I thought they just materialized in bags on supermarket shelves. The stand-alone potatoes, or strays, are orphan potatoes and likely cast offs from the bagged potatoes. Jeff Probst just told me, “The potato tribe has spoken.”

    Did you know that dogs have knees and elbows? My dog busted her knee, and my other dog sticks his pointy elbow into my chest whenever he sits on my lap.

    He’s convinced that he’s a lap dog even though he weighs as much as a Volkswagen. Not really. But it hurts when he sits on my lap. End of rambling thoughts and off to play dog nurse.

    My pointy elbowed dog also has dry eyes and sees a doggy opthamologist. My other dog with the bum knees sees an orthopedist. And I wonder why I’m losing my mind. Maybe I should see a doggy shrink. At least I wouldn’t have to speak, just roll over a couple of times.
    .-= Lauren´s last blog ..Boston Med Songs at ABC Music Lounge – No Snacks or Booze! =-.

  37. 37 Lauren

    Better Jeff Probst potato line: The spud has spoken. I can’t believe that I powered up my computer just to add this. My brain never shuts up.
    .-= Lauren´s last blog ..Boston Med Songs at ABC Music Lounge – No Snacks or Booze! =-.

  38. 38 carissa

    I didn’t get to comment on this the other day but it literally had me laughing my ass off at my desk. I don’t understand how people come up with this shit! It seriously scares me about the future of our planet.
    .-= carissa´s last blog ..I’m still not a twi-hard… Poo can suck it… and your mom =-.

  39. 39 JD

    J.: I don’t think I’ve ever used “lol” in private or public, so I am deeply flattered. Do let me know how you like the Pentagon-shaped crackers. I’ve been wanting to try them for some time now.

    Kathleen Kaufman: I love that story like no other. It has GOT to be true. It’s too awesome (and, as you say, oddly specific) not to be. I did peek in the urn holding my dad’s ashes, and I have to say, I did not see any chunks of bone, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen. As Professor JD pointed out: bones don’t burn, so . . . hmmm. I hope none of the motorcyclists were hurt — either by flying bone chunks or the subsequent crash. Awesome story.

    cardiogirl: No questions needed. I mourn for your electricity-less period. I can’t even imagine. On the other hand, I’m picturing myself eating ice cream by the gallon while sitting on the kitchen floor in the dark. It’s not an unpleasant thought.

    Lisa: Professor JD says it’s bad to be on a camping adventure, period. Haven’t you heard of the Blair Witch? No amount of free wi-fi will save you from THAT.

    meleah rebeccah: TEARS? Then my work here is done. I loved “I never wanted to be topless.” It sounds so sad and hopeless. Thank YOU!

    Jen: I assumed this question was about American tongues, too, but you make an excellent point about London. Also, I would think if you were making out in the southern hemisphere, there might be some sort of counter-clockwise thing going on. Thank you for your assistance.

    Patricia (Who is a true beauty): HA! You have successfully answered all of these questions in a much more succinct manner than Professor JD ever could. And now I need to find me a horny dolphin. With tongue.

    Lauren: HA! Of COURSE you had to get in that much-improved Jeff Probst line. It’s what any good blogger/writer would do. I expect no less. I did NOT know dogs had knees and elbows. From now on, if Professor JD get any dog questions, she will send them on to you. Tho it sounds like you are spending way too much time with dogs as it is.

    carissa: I hear you, sistah. And this isn’t even half of it. I’ve got more — WAY more. And they keep coming in, every day. Seriously sick and weird and grammatically challenged people out there, I’ll tell ya.

  40. 40 kathcom

    Cremated coffee–I can’t stop laughing at that!
    .-= kathcom´s last blog ..From World Cup to D Cup- Soccer the American Way =-.

  41. 41 Maureen

    Bwahahahaha! OMG some people are just too stupid to exist. Or, at the very least too stupid to be allowed to use Google.

    I think we need some Google police to round these idiots up so they can share a cell with Lindsay and Mel.
    .-= Maureen´s last blog ..Dont Believe The Myth =-.

  42. 42 Katherine

    Ummmm….. did you read my “party in my mouth” post? LOLOL! Bugs in cereal… LOVE it!
    .-= Katherine´s last blog ..Picture This =-.

  43. 43 meleah rebeccah

    I had to come back and read this again! Im STILL laughing out loud!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Writing Rituals And The Muse =-.

  44. 44 Anonymous

    You expect me to carry around a piece of my brain ? Who in the right mind does that

    Oh wait – that is what I am missing !

    - Jaffer

  45. 45 Monique

    And I thought I got all the crazy ones.

    My favorite though is “i never wanted to be topless”… it really just makes you wonder what the story behind that is. Wish you could track her or him down and do an interview. lol
    .-= Monique´s last blog ..I’m Fat =-.

  46. 46 babs - beetle

    JD! Why do you always catch me out?
    .-= babs – beetle´s last blog ..A post for Pam =-.

  47. 47 v

    hahahhaa. too funny, but seriously. my favorite:

    This question has baffled scholars and scientists for years. How the fuck potatoes grow is that you stick a potato seed in the fucking ground and wait a while. Then you pull it out of the ground and fucking eat it.

    OMG! hahahahhahah

    i have a question because i’m curious and inexperienced, but it’s dirty so i won’t ask it. hey how about i go to google, type in my question and hopefully it will lead me back to your blog and then you can answer it on the next go round. bet, i’m on my way.

    way fun, jd. thanks for the laughs. kinda hard to pay attention to jeopardy now. heck, i was sleepy, but not anymore.

  48. 48 JD

    kathcom: Someone pointed out it’s probably meant to be “cream-ated,” as in “coffee with cream.” But I like “cremated” better. Some people just like their coffee burned, that’s all.

    Maureen: I think they’d actually have a lot in common with Lindsay and Mel. Lindsay could demonstrate how tongues work and Mel could explain all about fucking potatoes.

    Katherine: Yes, I did! I loved it, by which I mean, I HATED it because it made me squirm with terror. Brrrr!

    meleah rebeccah: You’re so awesome, thank you!

    Anonymous: SEE! Just listen to Professor JD. She knows best.

    Monique: Oh, that would be so cool! Yes, I’d love to somehow contact some of these people and get the scoop. Especially on the guy who used his parents’ sex toys. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

    babs – beetle: A-HA! (I knew it!)

    v: I’m right, though, aren’t I? About the fucking potatoes? I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. Pleeeeeze ask your dirty question. I get so many thru Google; I may not find yours!

  49. 49 David

    I really like the strangely Biblical phrasing “take of her underwear.” Yea verily, I shall give her the pressing of the grape, and she shall take of her underwear to have sex.

    That works for me.

    And later we’ll have pork chop moths and fucking potatoes. Because that’s only right.
    .-= David´s last blog ..Portland to Chicago- Part 3 =-.

  50. 50 Maya

    What a funny blog idea. Some of these questions are just too funny, and others are just plain stupid. How entertaining. Nice work.

  51. 51 kathryn

    Um. Why should I go to the trouble of Googling tongues if it’s just going to bring me to your site anyway??

    I would like to know what’s happened to all the decent Thai porn.
    I heard a rumor that a mysterious person, going by the code name
    “DJ, Things Do I Should”, scarfed up all the good stuff and left all the
    crap for the rest of the world.

    I believe you may need to send this to your colleague, Detective JD.
    .-= kathryn´s last blog ..All Roads Lead to Jeffrey =-.

  52. 52 JD

    David: I hadn’t read that phrase in a “Bible” voice, but I like your interpretation very much. Is that in the Book of Revelations? Mmm . . . pork chop moths. When you put ‘em together with fucking potatoes, they sound so delicious.

    Maya: Thank you! I think even the funny questions are stupid, but that’s just me.

    kathryn: Aw, man, I HATE being the official Tongue Site. Ahhh . . . so you know about Detective JD, do you? Heh. Yes, I have a feeling she will be making an appearance soon and will clear up this whole Thai porn business ONCE AND FOR ALL!

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