Welcome! Professor JD here. You might already be familiar with my esteemed colleague Dr. JD, who helps troubled and diseased souls across the Internet with their medical issues.
My role is similar. If you have a question, I will answer it! For free! As a professor of . . . things, I consider no question too bizarre or too personal.
So let’s get to it!
Just how often are you puking on your shower curtain? You do know you’re supposed to puke in the toilet, right? When it comes down to cleaning up puke or installing a new shower curtain, it’s a toss-up (see what I did there?) I suggest moving to a new house, one that has a shower door. But aim for the toilet.
Well, first you need to ask yourself if you even like porn. Maybe you’re one of those weirdos who doesn’t get turned on by photos of naked dogs posing on furry rugs. But if you’re not one of those weirdos, perhaps you have a collection of porn videos that is confusing and scaring you. Please forward these videos to Professor JD for a more in-depth resolution to your query.
Ending this question with an exclamation point makes me feel excited about big butts! Yes, I agree, you must get a big butt no matter what. If butt implants (WARNING: photos of butts!) are too expensive, consider either eating lots of donuts or eating lots of pizza or both. (It worked for Professor JD!)
Let the other person make the first move. It’s horribly embarrassing to find your tongue jammed into someone’s mouth when they were just going in for a polite peck.
It’s simple: One tongue goes in the opposite mouth. This is assuming we’re talking about two people. If it’s more than two, you’re just going to have to draw a diagram or something.
Men show their tongues when working out as a way to attract women, duh. Also, why all the interest in tongues? Tongues are better when you ignore them. Once you start thinking too much about your tongue . . . damn it.
This may actually be the title of a Lifetime movie as opposed to a question. Either way, my answer is: Maybe.
Are you responsible for that topless person from above? If so, give her back her underware. This game is no longer funny.
The thong may start out lying on top of the butt, however, chances are as you move around throughout the day, it will begin to slip inexorably up the butt. Some people claim that this sensation is not annoying. These people were obviously born without nerve endings in their butt cracks.
This question has baffled scholars and scientists for years. How the fuck potatoes grow is that you stick a potato seed in the fucking ground and wait a while. Then you pull it out of the ground and fucking eat it.
While this is not exactly a question, I feel compelled to point out that “netherregions” is only appropriate as a single word when referencing Robert Plant. Example 1: “My nether regions are all itchy.” Example 2: “Robert Plant’s netherregions look like they’d be all itchy.” (Because Robert Plant wears such tight jeans, is my reasoning.)
Yes, although in America we spell it “fetus,” which makes more sense because it has fewer letters. That “o” is totally unnecessary. Where are you from? I bet you pronounce “lieutenant” with an “f.”
Of course not! Who told you that? I hope Dr. JD isn’t filling your head with nonsense about green leafy vegetables and “high cholesterol” again.
Well, the statute of limitation on poison is nineteen years, so you are pretty much shit out of luck unless you happened to have a video camera set up in your bedroom. Did you? Were you able to capture any ghosts or other paranormal entities? Were the ghosts friendly or did they try to scare you? I’m beginning to think the ghosts were responsible for your poisoning, in which case, once again, you are shit out of luck.
I would imagine Amazon.com sells Pentagon-shaped crackers. They sell freaking everything. I’ve ordered Washington Monument-shaped crackers from Amazon, and man, are those things pointy.
If you see a moth that looks like a pork chop, you should run. If, by chance, you are feeling brave and creative, I would recommend that you compose a song about this moth to the tune of Aerosmith’s “Dude Looks Like a Lady.”
No. It’s a way of saying you are a pork chop.
Yes. If you listen to Metallica’s “One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Devil!” backwards, you will hear the line “How the fuck do (green) potatoes grow.” Any song that includes the F-word is automatically about the devil; hence green potatoes = the devil.
HA! Everyone wants to know this. Believe me, you wouldn’t even know what to do with a JD if you got one.
What I mean is, I like it burnt to the point of the liquid turning to ash, which is actually impossible, so I think then what I mean is that I like it really hot? (Does anyone else know the answer to this one?)
This is true. Many people erroneously believe that bones can actually burn if a fire is hot enough. This is absurd! Bones cannot burn! No, there is a giant bone dumpsite just outside of Newark. That’s where your bones (and too-hot coffee) go.
Cube heads can be the most difficult to shop for, especially when it comes to sexy underware. The thing to remember is, the shape of the head does not necessarily have anything to do with the shape of the nether regions. At least I don’t think so. Because, man, that would be bizarre, wouldn’t it?
Yes, you are. Sorry. Blood relatives who share sex germs usually end up with cube-headism, which may or may not affect your nether regions. I’ll have to confer with Dr. JD, but I think the only cure is to eat a steady diet of green potatoes.
What the hell kind of parent are you? You probably let your son play with your sex toys too. For god’s sake, pick out the bugs first. As for the bugs he’s ingested? It’s too late. I hope you feel guilty.
Ah, yes. I remember there was a bit of a kerfluffle when everyone forgot Prudence’s first birthday. Don’t let it happen again. Mark this down in your calendar: March 28. She will be three years old next year.
Yes. Yes, they do.
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Do YOU have a question for Professor JD? Does it have to do with tongues? If it has to do with tongues, please just Google it.
Mutant tongue came from here