Old man came from here
Come on, give me a break.
I know it’s not ALL your fault, but still.
You could be a little more considerate of those around you.
Everywhere I go, old people are ruining my otherwise joyful, carefree, laughter-filled life.
Just the other morning, I was doing my grocery shopping. Oh, how happy I was. Madonna’s “Express Yourself” was playing, and I was pretending that Adam Lambert and I were shopping together and singing along as we slammed our carts into displays of SlimFast.
But when I got to the checkout lane (by which time I had moved on to another fantasy involving Don Draper), there was an old man.
An old man WORKING, as in bagging my groceries. Why is this old man working? Why isn’t he at home, surrounded by rosy-cheeked grandchildren and a faithful lap dog? Why is he my slave? Yes, I can bag my own groceries, but I tend to bristle at that thought. I have a job. I am not above yelling, “We need a bagger at lane 4!” although this has never actually resulted in a bagger showing up.
And I don’t want to insult the old man by pushing him aside to do it myself. Maybe he likes working.
Oh, you KNOW he doesn’t!
My day? Ruined. My Don Draper fantasy? Evaporated.
I hate that old people have to work. Sometimes I like to scare my mom by telling her that she’s going to have to get a job as a hostess at Chili’s. If you think I’m making this up, go to any Chili’s. I guarantee there’s an old lady waiting to seat you. She’s wearing heels even tho she’s on her feet all day. Her back is killing her. She can barely hold those giant menus thanks to arthritis. Enjoy your freaking baby-back ribs.
I’m a hearty eater, but nothing kills my appetite faster than an old person eating alone. Especially an old man. An old man wearing a suit. At McDonald’s. Most likely his wife died and his kids ignore him, but I like to pretend that his wife is a shrew and his kids are jerks. These little outings are his only respite from a miserable life. Aw, heck. There’s no winning with old people.
Are you crying yet?
There is no end to the selfishness of old people. Consider the tattooed old lady or the old man in Speedos. Cruel! When will they stop thinking of themselves? We have to live on this planet, too.
Please, old people. Think of someone else for a change.
Stop being so selfish.
Stop ruining my life.