From the top of the pole I watch her go down

maypole

May pole dancers come from here

You know the lady I mean. Every class has one. The know-it-all. The can’t-shut-up. The teacher’s pet. In my Zumba class, that person is me! Hahahaha. But so what? Until I read a post titled “I’ve About Had It with that One Lady in My Zumba Class,” I’ll say my piece. I’ll say it anyway, because shut up.

Anyway in this class we’re all gathered around a pole. Not that kind of pole. You wish! (Sidenote: I’ll always be afraid to try pole dancing because I know I’ll end up somehow just slo-o-o-o-o-wly sliding down awkwardly, my legs making an embarrassing SQURRRRRCHCHCHNG noise.) No, we use a core pole: a heavy pole with flexible bands that we grab while circling the pole like Queens of the Sweatiest May ever. It’s actually a great workout, except for that one lady.

We do shoulder pulls, tricep lifts, squats, obliques, crunches, everything. It truly is a magical pole. It would be fun, too, if that one lady could just shut up. But she constantly feels the need to anticipate or correct the instructor every five seconds: “Aren’t we supposed to do shoulders next?” “You didn’t count to ten on that side.” “This isn’t the same music as last time.”

Steady on, JD. She’s not talking to you. Deep breaths. Stay calm. Tighten your glutes.

But then that lady crossed the line.

We were doing lunges. In a lunge, your back foot is supposed to be up on its toes. But I can’t DO that because my left toe STILL hurts from bunion surgery. So guess what? YUP! That lady noticed I was doing it “wrong” and she. spoke. to. me. JD.

“You’re supposed to be on your toes.”

I’d like to tell you I stabbed her right there on the spot, but all I did was pull out her hair and punch her in the throat. OK, that’s not true. I grabbed her band and wound it and her around the pole until her head popped off. A slight exaggeration. What happened was, I gave her a steely glare and flexed my bicep. She shut up. For the time being.

I’m waiting for her to tell me to stand up straight, which is something I really cannot quite do. Oh, that will be a violent day, my friends! Teeth will fly, and this time, they won’t be mine.

So, what was the point of this post again? Oh, yeah. Who wants to be a pole dancer?!


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45 Comments


45 Responses to “I’ve About Had It with That One Lady in My Pole Class”

  1. 1 Ann's Rants

    “because shut up”

    loved that. very funny post, yet sobering as I have a piece of that “helpful” annoying woman in me. I try to shut her up, too.
    .-= Ann’s Rants´s last blog ..Free Association Friday: Wendi Aarons =-.

  2. 2 Junk Drawer Kathy

    “I grabbed her band and wound it and her around the pole until her head popped off. A slight exaggeration.”

    Oh, man. What a rip. I really wanted to know everyone’s reaction when her mouth-flappin’ head went rolling across the floor. Can a head still talk when it’s decapitated? I bet hers could.
    .-= Junk Drawer Kathy´s last blog ..Windy Haikus =-.

  3. 3 absepa

    That woman is also in my church choir. She points out to our director when someone has changed seats and when she thinks the pianist is playing at the wrong tempo (as well as many other “helpful” comments, too numerous to mention). Her most egregious offense to date, however, was when she told the pastor that my sister and I wear our skirts too short to sit on the front row of the choir. I’m still waging an internal battle between “love your neighbor” and “shake a bitter old lady until her teeth rattle” over that one.
    .-= absepa´s last blog ..Just one more of Mother Nature’s cruel jokes… =-.

  4. 4 Candice

    Oooooh, I HATE people like that!! I would have told her, “I recently had surgery on my toe and actually can’t do that, but thanks.” I like to try and make people feel bad about what they said when they’re all nosy and butting-in like that.
    .-= Candice´s last blog ..The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time =-.

  5. 5 Daisy the Curly Cat

    You should tell her “Politeness: You’re doing it wrong!”
    .-= Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog ..Fashion Friday: A Frilly Skirt! =-.

  6. 6 kathryn

    …And here’s where our moms would say “Just ignore her, dear.”
    Obviously, this woman has issues: She’s DYING for attention, she’s DYING to correct everyone for their “mistakes” and she’s DYING to have someone surgically (or maybe non-surgically if the person she pisses off truly goes off the deep end) remove her vocal chords.

    I shall make the following prediction: She lives alone, or with an animal that cannot talk back or run away. She spends an inordinate amount of time on the computer and believes she’s pretty much the expert’s expert. No-one will take a tour or evening class with her because her questions would make everything take 3 times as long as it should. She has to have the last word in everything.

    Can you wear headphones during this workout? I’d wear ‘em, even if there’s no music device attached to ‘em, altho I’d play my tunes as loud as it took. Just to drown her out.
    .-= kathryn´s last blog ..The Stumble Theme =-.

  7. 7 CatLadyLarew

    I think you should definitely throttle the bitch and then tie her to the pole and leave her as a warning to others. It would be a service to the community.
    .-= CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..The Light that Launched a Thousand Ships =-.

  8. 8 OM

    We can just hope the next class she takes is sniper class.
    .-= OM´s last blog ..Reincarnate This, Weirdo! =-.

  9. 9 Grace

    The next time just say, ever so nicely “And this is your business – why?”
    .-= Grace´s last blog ..Am I old? Hell, yes. =-.

  10. 10 TW

    Growl. I hate people who just have to correct other people for no good reason.
    .-= TW´s last blog ..Tofu Hummus =-.

  11. 11 Barb - WillThink4Wine

    She must be the eldest of 8 kids and the Office Manager in a Branch of 42 where 40 of them couldn’t remember how to do their jobs from one day to the next. Oh. No. Wait… That was me.

    Loved Daisy’s suggestion!
    .-= Barb – WillThink4Wine´s last blog ..The only thing constant is change =-.

  12. 12 The Hawg!

    A potential fight at a pole class? I love it!

    By the way, I tend to turn people who mess with me over to my wife (she’s ex-Army, you know). I can be the fun loving, laid back The Hawg and she’s got the rep for being the mean one.

    Life is good…
    .-= The Hawg!´s last blog ..Foreclosed – a few words about my Wordless Wednesday entry =-.

  13. 13 Bingo

    I hate those girls, be patient and just ignore her.
    .-= Bingo´s last blog ..Feng Shui and luck =-.

  14. 14 Pricilla

    I really think I could make money by renting out Abby.
    Rent a Butt-er
    Hmmmm
    What do you think?

    I Sent a Butt-er in to Take Care of an Obnoxious Woman So You Don’t Have To
    Hmmmm

  15. 15 Jen

    I love Daisy’s answer.

    At least you get to pole class, just reading about it made my glutes hurt. I think it was my glutes, it could be my abs too.

    I say pop her next time she speaks up. The death stare works for only so long before you have to take real action, either switching classes or confronting her.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..The Tooth Fairy Dropped The Ball =-.

  16. 16 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    You know what sucks butt the most about this annoying hag? That if you were to give her what for, then YOU’D be the bad person. Gawd, she’s acting like a 10-year old. Poor idiot. Thinks she’s helping. Or else she’s got OCD like those people who can’t stand it when there is a crumb sitting on the table and they want to wipe it off. If you are not on your toes, it’s all she can think about. She HAS to say something. The poor hag.
    .-= Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog ..NGIP “Sits” Down With Saltwater Buddha, Jaimal Yogis =-.

  17. 17 JD

    Ann’s Rants: Well, there’s a lot of room on the spectrum between points “helpful” and “annoying.” I bet you’re closer to “helpful.” This lady? Beyond “annoying.”

    Junk Drawer Kathy: If ever there was a decapitated head that could jabber on, it would be hers. Annoyingly.

    absepa: Hee! I personally veer toward the latter choice, but then I don’t even to go church, so you probably shouldn’t listen to me. You should wear a micro-mini one of these days.

    Candice: Hey, there! We have a lot in common. I like to make people feel bad, too, in those circumstances. And I should’ve—she had it coming to her. I think I was afraid to say anything, for fear of being truly mean.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: HA! I love that. Maybe I’ll have it printed on a T-shirt and wear it to class. I doubt she’d get the hint, tho.

    kathryn: YEAH! I would wager your prediction is spot-on. Perhaps I’ll ask her. And I love the headphones idea. It’d be funny, actually, to just wear headphones connected to nothing but act like I can’t hear her.

    CatLadyLarew: Wow, I like the way you think. It’d be rather fun to have her dead body just kind of hanging there as we worked out. Hmmm.

    OM: Oh, no you di’n't! Well, if she does take a sniper class, I’ll be ready. And knowing her, she’ll piss off the sniper instructor to the point of getting sniped herself.

    Grace: Hee! Y’all are coming up with such great come-backs. Where were you when this all went down? I never think of the snappy reply until it’s too late.

    TW: And I love people who growl. Perhaps that would’ve been the appropriate response?

    Barb – WillThink4Wine: No! Stop it! You’re not like this woman, I am quite sure. I don’t know what her deal is, but I’m sure she’d be more than happy to tell me.

    The Hawg!: Well, can I turn this lady over to your wife? My husband is not much help in these kinds of situations, being peace loving like yourself. Maybe your wife can come to my pole class?

    Bingo: I try, I try. If only she’d skip even ONE day. But she’s always there. ALWAYS.

    Pricilla: There is definitely something to this. I could just calmly walk into class with Abby and she could take care of the rest. Butting-style. Yes. I like it.

    Jen: Yeah, the pole class is an equal-opportunity pain-maker. But nothing trumps the headache I get from this annoying lady.

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): Settle down, there! But you’re right. It does indeed suck butt. I can just hear her, all indignant, “I was just trying to HELP.” Help THIS, lady!

  18. 18 Anne

    Oh please! I have never understood the need to put oneself into everyone else’s business. You should have embarrassed her for drawing attention to your toes. Although, I do like Daisy’s response too.

  19. 19 C.B. Jones

    Two paragraphs in, I wanted to charge you for false advertising. Then I realized a may poll routine still features women doing stuff near a big ole’ pole. It’s close enough to being the same thing, only I asume there’s no stripping…

    ….Or is there?
    .-= C.B. Jones´s last blog ..Mindful Tip: Why Edition. =-.

  20. 20 Regan

    These are like the people when you’re in kindergarden and want to make the sky pink, they point out that the sky is supposed to be blue.

    Or the same sort of people who can’t really grasp the concept of sarcasm, and are Caption Obvious.

  21. 21 Lena

    I firmly believe that there comes a point in time when obnoxious people who have no internal filter need to be schooled in the fine art of thinking about what one says before one opens ones large, obnoxious mouth. If these people cannot be reasoned with, they may need to be ‘handled’ (like, with someone’s hands) until they come to understand the logical point of view.

    Don’t think of it as “assault.” Think of it as “doing the world a huge favor.”

  22. 22 Shieldmaiden1196

    I was in a pole class. Only we called it ‘jo’, and the actual intended purpose was smacking the living bejeebus out of each other. So its too bad it wasn’t that kind of pole.

    I prefer looking directly at the person then slightly unfocusing my eyes. It makes you look a little nuts. And they usually stop talking.
    .-= Shieldmaiden1196´s last blog ..Its all happening on ‘The Bus’ =-.

  23. 23 shakespeare

    Speaking to the other part of your blog–I love Zumba, too! I even made myself a bellydancer’s belt (complete with obnoxious coins) to wear during the workout.

    Thanks for the blog.
    .-= shakespeare´s last blog ..The End of Kings =-.

  24. 24 Lin

    I love a good “Shut the hell up!”, but I guess that wouldn’t be appropriate. Sigh.
    .-= Lin´s last blog ..Square Through Four Hands Around =-.

  25. 25 Stephanie Barr

    For the obnoxious among us, I’m the answer (unless you feel I’m the obnoxious among you, in which case you’re SOL). I’m the queen of sarcasm and I ain’t afraid to use it. Many have been shattered by my wit. I could explain (and will next Thursday if you ask me to). Including some I-think-I’m-hot-sh*t hotshot who failed to see his logical fallacy in his little taradiddle and some dirty old men who thought I was easier to embarrass than they were. Surprise!

    This was a lovely story. I was quite sympathetic.
    .-= Stephanie Barr´s last blog ..Trivia Break: Asking You a Question =-.

  26. 26 Lola

    Is that May Pole Dancing? Lol! Is that seriously a workout? Wouldn’t traditional pole dancing be more of a workout? I hear it’s a wicked painful workout even though it looks so easy. (At least they make it look so easy.)

    Our first Christmas at our house in the burbs I conspired with Anastasia’s sister and Mom to get old childhood photos and do some photo collages and a photo album. Going through the old photos we found one of Anastasia, about 9 years old, hugging a light pole. Her sister referred to it as Anastasia’s pole dancing days. It quickly became a theme for her Christmas gift. The last box to open was that photo framed, with a DVD copy of “Striptease” with Demi Moore. The box was wrapped in red foil paper with homemade pasties festooned on the box. And…I made her open it at the family gift opening at her Mom’s house.

    Needless to say, Anastasia’s pole dancing continues to be a running joke in the family.
    .-= Lola´s last blog ..TGIF VGNO! =-.

  27. 27 Urso Branco

    This is one of the funniest posts you have done yet. All it lacks is photos, especially of the evil spinster with pursed lips.

    I particularly love all the lovely suggestions of your helpful friends. Aside for all the physical retorts I think you need to ponder this deeply and come up with a really good comeback. Think W.C. Fields. Or maybe George Carlin. They had some great comebacks. Winston Churchill had some wonderful ones but she sounds so dense she would think you are complimenting her.
    .-= Urso Branco´s last blog ..Brewing Coffee in a Drip Coffee Machine =-.

  28. 28 Ungirdled Passion

    Oh, no she DIDINT! That is a “Hold my wig!” moment for sure. Sounds like a good workout though. I will check it out.
    .-= Ungirdled Passion´s last blog ..New Breastfeeding Doll Keeps Things Tit For Tat With Bottle-fed Dolls =-.

  29. 29 JD

    Anne: I think Daisy wins the “Best Response” award. Tho there have been quite a few good ones. I know this lady thinks she’s being helpful, but there’s a line, and she crossed it.

    C.B. Jones: You assume correctly. That’s a whole ‘nother pole and a whole ‘nother post. I’m not saying it won’t happen some day. But today is not that day.

    Regan: I hate the Captain Obviouses. You’re wasting my time and yours. Also, sometimes the sky IS pink, kindergarten “teachers”!

    Lena: Now that is sensible. A good “handling” (with, as you point out, someone’s hands) is exactly what’s called for in this situation. And maybe a good footing, too.

    Shieldmaiden1196: Oh, man, that sounds AWESOME! I want to take one of these “jo” classes, but only if that lady is in the class. And I may try the unfocused stare, too. That sounds like something I would do well.

    shakespeare: WOO! Zumba! I love those bellydancer’s belts! I don’t have the nerve to wear one in class. Our instructor wore one once, and we all yelled at her to take it off, ‘cuz it was so loud. But good for you. SHAKE IT, BABY!

    Lin: I don’t know. It might’ve been perfectly appropriate. I love that response too. I would’ve loved to see the look on her face. Who knows? She just might’ve shut the hell up.

    Stephanie Barr: Heh. I WILL ask. The bad thing about a biting sarcastic wit is that a lot of dumbasses don’t even get it. Still, it’s a very satisfying quality to possess.

    Lola: HA! Anastasia has GOT to be a good sport. Unfortunately, this class isn’t may pole dancing. It IS a good workout, tho. Perhaps I’ll show up in pasties one of these days.

    Urso Branco: Thank you! And, yes, I agree: my commenters are the BEST. I like your George Carlin suggestion. He’s one of my favorites. It’s gotta be just right, or YES! She won’t get it.

    Ungirdled Passion: HAHAHAHA! “Hold my wig.” Good one. Yes, check it out. I don’t know how many places have it. I’ve been doing various workout classes for years, and this is the first I’ve seen. But it’s pretty good.

  30. 30 babs - beetle

    I looked for an appropriate song but couldn’t find one to fit this time :)

    What an obnoxious woman! I definitely think that more than a steely stare is needed next time :)
    .-= babs – beetle´s last blog ..I dread upgrading WordPress. =-.

  31. 31 Maureen

    “You’re supposed to be on your toes.”

    “And YOU’RE supposed to shut the hell up.”

    or

    “And YOU’re supposed to stop being so frickin’ annoying.”

    Yeah. I would love to have the guts to say something like that, but would have responded EXACTLY the way you did.

    But I think a T shirt with Daisy’s response on it would be awesome.
    .-= Maureen´s last blog ..House Call =-.

  32. 32 Eric "Speedcat Hollydale"

    I am confused … as always!
    .-= Eric “Speedcat Hollydale”´s last blog ..BIG ROCK =-.

  33. 33 Florida Girl In Sydney

    Sounds like someone needs to pour her a nice big steaming hot mug of shut the fuck up. Ugh, you really should have bitchslapped her.
    .-= Florida Girl In Sydney´s last blog ..International Superstar or Complete Freakshow? You decide. =-.

  34. 34 Florida Girl In Sydney

    Oh my, did I say something wrong– pardon my french…
    now it says my comment is awaiting moderation. I must have tripped the switch. :) :(
    .-= Florida Girl In Sydney´s last blog ..International Superstar or Complete Freakshow? You decide. =-.

  35. 35 Elle

    I’m with Daisy and the Florida Girl. I mean really, who died and left HER Dr. Phil? I’d sidle up next to her all confidential-like and ask if she was wearing panties? Well, because there’s a hole in her yoga pants big enough for the sun to shine through… Then watch her insinuate herself out of class backside-first. What an ass.
    .-= Elle´s last blog ..The School Haircut =-.

  36. 36 Puglette

    oh dear, some people can’t stay quiet. sometimes i am that person, but usually if you’re wearing cute shoes or somthing. i don’t criticize (sp) in public, usually for fear that i will be the next victim.

    you can always say loudly that your foot is achey after surgery and go for the sympathy if she gives you the eyeball next time.

    although i would love to hear about a good head popping story any day.

    zumba on my friend.
    :o)
    puglette
    .-= Puglette´s last blog ..Professional Photography =-.

  37. 37 NaTuRaL

    i was all excited that i was about to learn some new pole dancing moves and you pulled the pole right out from between my legs. humph.

    okay well actually this type of pole dancing reads fun. which one of those lovely ladies is you in the photo up top? do you have to wear those dresses?

    there will be no punching, jd. i don’t want to have to use my pole dancing earnings to bail you out of jail. play nice. just tell her you injured your toe tight rope walking and to back the heck up.

    later!
    .-= NaTuRaL´s last blog ..Why I Miss The Rotary Phone =-.

  38. 38 JD

    babs – beetle: No, I have a feeling no song could accurately capture this experience! I’m working on a good comeback for next time. Because there will be a next time.

    Maureen: Oh, man I would LOVE to say both of those things, but then I could probably never go back to that class. Or maybe everyone would applaud, and I’d be a big hero. It’s hard to tell.

    Eric “Speedcat Hollydale”: Don’t worry. I guess it’s a girl thing. But then it’s also a pole thing, so . . .

    Florida Girl In Sydney: Oh, you guys are so awesome. I love you. Next time I just need to imagine all my blog friends backing me up, and I’ll have the nerve to say what needs to be said. (Don’t worry about the “F” word. Just about every single comment on this post got hung up in moderation, for some reason. It’s that lady!)

    Elle: Hee! Ah swear. You guys. I once did have a giant hole in my workout shorts, but that’s a story for another day. I’d love to see the look on her face as she made her way ass-first out the door. AND NEVER CAME BACK!

    Puglette: That’s my Puglette. Kind and considerate, but with that layer of evil lurking just beneath the surface. Who knows? Maybe I’ll have a good head-popping story soon?

    NaTuRaL: Har. Sorry to disappoint you, my pole-dancing friend. Save your hard-earned monies. I won’t resort to violence. I’ve gotten some great ideas from everyone here for the perfect comeback.

  39. 39 MomZombie

    Hmm, perhaps this is why I’ve avoided most of these exercise classes in recent years. The last one I participated in was the anti-exercise exercise class. The more you did it wrong, went the wrong way, etc. the better. In fact, if you showed up in proper footwear you were pelted with resistance bands until you wept.
    .-= MomZombie´s last blog ..Signs, signs, everywhere signs =-.

  40. 40 Chrissy

    There’s one in every crowd. Funny blog!

  41. 41 JD

    MomZombie: Geez, that sounds pretty sadistic. But . . . did you lose any weight?

    Chrissy: Thank you! And thanks for stopping by!

  42. 42 The Hawg!

    Well, JD, my wife might be inclined to take care of that woman for you — for a price. She’d have to have air fare, a snazzy costume to wear at a pole class, bail money (if necessary), etc.

    Defense from a skilled veteran like her doesn’t come cheap, you know? I had to marry her to benefit from her protection.
    .-= The Hawg!´s last blog ..This is the kind of thing that just drives me nuts =-.

  43. 43 JD

    The Hawg!: Hmmm. I’m not sure I can afford your wife’s services, which I’m sure are top-rate. Perhaps I can get a cheaper service and just have her call this woman and yell at her? Altho she wasn’t in class this week . . .

  44. 44 Florida Girl In Sydney

    As if I really would have said anything… everything’s just sooo darn easy in hindsight right?
    .-= Florida Girl In Sydney´s last blog ..City to Surf 2009 =-.

  45. 45 JD

    Florida Girl In Sydney: I know. But it’s fun to imagine what you MIGHT have said. Or done.


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