Hey, dude, I’m trying to sleep!
The whole point of weekends is to sleep late, right? But I can’t force myself to sleep later than I do on weekdays. Perhaps that’s because I get up whenever I want during the week. Yeah, suckers, that’s right. I don’t set an alarm, I just rooooll outta bed when the mood strikes me. The fact that it’s usually around 6:00 AM should do nothing to alleviate your jealousy.
So what is the trick to sleeping late, or, as some cultures say, “sleeping in,” on weekends? I haven’t mastered it. Instead, I lie there, thoughts running through my head instead of sheep. I try counting backwards, repeating a calming mantra, breathing deeply, but those thoughts, those THOUGHTS! Maybe if I list them here, you can tell me how to prevent them from ruining my weekend mornings:
- If I lie on my left side, my achingly full bladder doesn’t feel like it’s going to explode.
- Prudence’s bite can now penetrate 4 layers of blanket.
- Will I work out today? No. Will I work out tomorrow? No.
- I am a fat loser.
- How can a bunion hurt so much when it’s not even doing anything?
- If I think hard enough, coffee will magically appear.
- Don’t make eye contact with Gus. His pleading “give me breakfast” eyes will be the end of me.
- Apparently “Black Betty” will be running through my head all day.
- Dave is such a polite sleeper, that, unless I roll over (which I’m not about to do, see #1 re: bladder) I don’t even know if he’s still there or if he’s been driven downstairs by my snoring
- Yeah, I snore. Wanna make something of it?
- If my soaking-wet nightgown is anything to go by, those hot flashes are back.
- Donuts or muffins donuts or muffins donuts or muffins donuts or muffins? Croissant?
- Did I just snore? I’m awake! Can I snore while I’m awake?
- Where is the magic coffee?
- When was the last time I washed my hair? Does it still smell like coconut?
- Most definitely not.
- Prudence can bite my foot as hard as she wants, I’m not getting—OW!!!
- Seriously, is Dave still over there?
- donuts donuts donuts donuts. Oooh, maple frosted donuts donuts donuts
- “Black Betty had a child (bam-a-lam) The damn thing gone wild (bam-a-lam)”
- 100, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95—OOF! How does Gus know exactly where my bladder is?
- What if I roll over and instead of Dave, it’s someone ELSE? What would I do? Pretend it’s cool?
- Should I buy an audiobook or get one from the library?
- Is my library card still valid?
- I’ll just buy an audiobook.
- If I go out for lunch, will I still be able to eat that entire frozen pizza for dinner? I can’t have leftover frozen pizza in the house on a Monday. But I can’t have an entire frozen pizza in the house either. I’ll have to eat it all tonight, regardless.
- “She’s so rock-steady (bam-a-lam) And she’s always ready (bam-a-lam)”
- I am now CONVINCED Dave is not in bed with me. Either I’m alone with these two troublemaking cats or I’m lying next to a stranger who is going to kill me as soon as he wakes up.
- Why is that not motivation for me to get out of bed?
- God, I love my pillow.
- I feel like I could almost fall asleep . . . almost . . . almost . . .
- Ow! Ow! OWWWW! PRUDENCE!!!
- Oh, boy. Just wait till Prudence wants to take a nap today.
- Are those noisemakers still in the basement?
- DONUTS! I want six!
- “My bladder’s full (bam-a-lam) And that ain’t no bull (bam-a-lam)”
- Never EVER buy this kind of underwear again.
- La la la la . . . I’m asleep . . .
- Dammit! I just looked at Gus. No one can look at his “feed me” face and turn away. It’s all over. I’m up.
What are your tips for sleeping late? Going back to sleep? Trying to ignore biting cats? And most important:
Donuts or muffins?