I’m Seeing a Therapist

Gonna need a shot of vitamin E
By the time you’re finished with me


As in physical therapist. Oh, I’ve seen brain therapists too, but that’s another post. Or posts. Or blog. And, no, sadly, my PT doesn’t look like the one in the picture, but I don’t look like that girl, so we’re even.

Soooo, my back still hurts, I don’t want surgery, I don’t want to give up Zumba, and although I love my Vicodin, I think I’ve been loving it a little too much lately. Enter: Physical Therapy!

Appointment number one. I walk into this wide-open space where the beds, exercise equipment, and medical gadgetry are set up. I can see everyone, and, presumably, they can see me. It’s all old ladies, so I immediately feel competitive. I can beat these old ladies! At what, I don’t know, but who cares. I’m wearing a baggy T-shirt to hide my shameful deformity, so, comparatively speaking, I look young and strong. (But that doesn’t mean I don’t get a Vicodin refill this month.)

The PTs deal with several people at a time. My PT, Scott, tells me to warm up on the upright bike for 10 minutes while he attends to a woman picking up marbles with her toes.

For a place packed with old ladies, I’m not sure blasting VH1 Classics on the TV is the best choice, but it suits me just fine. The bike hurts my knees, but as soon as Rod Stewart’s “Hot Legs” video comes on, I start some serious pedaling.

A sweet old lady gets on the bike next to me, which is a signal for me to go even faster. She pedals at a leisurely pace, oblivious to the fact that she’s racing with a 47-year-old 12-year old.

“Slow down,” Scott yells from across the room. But I can’t. There’s too much at stake.

The lady next to me tells her PT she’s tired, and I shoot the room a triumphant look. I win!

Damn. I only burned 44 calories.

“How’s your back?”

“Fine, but my knees are killing me.”

“Next time don’t pedal so fast.”

Oh, do shut up.

Now it’s on to shoulder pulls. I didn’t realize there would be this much work. I thought I’d just get a massage or sit in a whirlpool. Scott shows me how to do this exercise, and I kind of want to kill him a little, because this is baby stuff. But I do my shoulder pulls (in time with ZZ Top’s “Gimme All Your Lovin’”) while Scott watches approvingly.

He’s not one for small talk (good), so I wonder why all of the sudden he mentions how warm it is. Then I realize he’d had his hand on my back. I reach back and touch my shirt. Ewwwwwwwwwww! It’s soaking wet. I’m not supposed to be one of the gross ones!

“OK, lie down on this bed.”

Finally! A bed. I sink down gratefully. Maybe he’ll rub my aching knees or play with my hair. But no. More damn exercises. Hamstring stretches, lower ab strengthening . . . this is hard. The lady next to me is getting a massage. I want a massage!

“3 sets on each side, 30 seconds each.”

Do you have any idea how long 30 seconds is? And I have to count on my own, which is harder than you might think with Kiss blaring throughout the room. Not to mention that all this exertion isn’t exactly helping my drenched T-shirt to dry off. But it’s all worth it when he wheels up the TENS unit.

“Have you ever had electrical stimulation?”

Have you ever had electrical stimulation? Man, it’s the best. They stick these patches on your skin that deliver some delicious electrical zaps to your muscles. If I can’t get a massage, it’s the next best thing.

Scott puts the patches on my lower back—and when I say “lower,” I mean that we’re not even technically in back territory any more. He then asks me if I want a “female” to put the pads on my shoulder blade. What? Why? Dude, you’ve seen my butt crack, I hardly think my nude shoulder is going to get you all horny. (Later I realized he was probably praying I’d ask for someone else so he wouldn’t have to touch my gross, sweaty back).

Anyway, the TENS unit does its magic. I make Scott turn it up to its highest setting, because I’m still competing here. I may be sore tomorrow, but damnit, I’m going to win.


I hear humor blogs is the best therapy.

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38 Responses to “I’m Seeing a Therapist”

  1. 1 Daisy the Curly Cat

    Thank goodness you had the PT so I do not have to do it. It sounds a little bit Not Fun. But I like your competitive approach to healing!

    Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..Sunday Comics with Daisy!

  2. 2 JD

    Daisy: I don’t know how much you would have enjoyed the PT, so I’m glad I could do it for you. Competition makes everything fun!

  3. 3 Babs - beetle

    Is this what they give you for a bad back? I’m not going to the docs with mine then. The old lady would beat me hands down – then I suppose I am that old lady ha ha!

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Six quirky things about me

  4. 4 JT

    ROFL! Thank you, JD, I needed that image of you laying there all sweaty while the PT guy is putting the patches on, and wondering if he should call a woman over!
    My PT guy is kinda hot and I find it a little disturbing when he puts his hands on me. Not hot in the classic good looks way, but my god, that bod! I’m a sucker for built arms and a flat stomach, just makes my toes twiddle. :) I fully admit, I have never admitted this to my b/f, I enjoy my little torture sessions if only for that.
    And thanks for your comment, I’m slowly coming around and not wanting to hit someone quite as much :).

    JT’s last blog post..I would do it again

  5. 5 Kathy

    “oblivious to the fact that she’s racing with a 47-year-old 12-year old.” You slay me.

    I’ve heard horror stories about PT. And now you went and added electrical stimulation to the mix. I’ll trust you that it feels good. But, I’m sorry, it sounds like a torture device.

    Good luck kicking everyone’s butt in therapy! I know you can do it. Do they have like a Patient of the Month award or something? And you get a face on a wall plaque?

    Kathy’s last blog post..Bloggy Things

  6. 6 jennypenny

    I’m not supposed to be one of the gross ones!

    LOL! This is SO the story of my life … just when you want to be all prissy and excel at everything, you realize you’re so common you actually sweat.

    Oh, do shut up. LOL! You’re hysterical. One of your best posts, JD.

    jennypenny’s last blog post..HEY HEY! HOLY COW!

  7. 7 Tiggy

    Can you put those electrical stimulation patched in other places too?

    Tiggy’s last blog post..Tiggy’s Word Of The Day – Teetotal

  8. 8 JD

    Babs – beetle: I’m pretty sure you could beat that old lady. And you wouldn’t necessarily have to do all the crap that I did. I think they sensed how physically superior I was, and tried to break me.

    JT: I wish I had a hot PT guy! Tho then I suppose being gross and sweaty would be even more embarrassing. He doesn’t even have a good body, which I think all PTs should have.

    You’re welcome. You did such a kind thing. I’m glad to hear you’re feeling a little better.

    Kathy: Well, for all the times you’ve slain me, I figured I owed you one. It’s really not that bad. It’s just more work than I expected. And I luuuurve my electrical torture device. If they don’t have a Patient of the Month award, guess who’s going to be the first?

    jennypenny: Aw, you’re so nice! Thank you. These kinds of things just sort of lend themselves to being written about.

    I never would have believed that I could be one of the gross ones. Boo!

    Tiggy: When I get my very own machine, I will definitely let you know. But as long as I have to get hooked up in front of all the old ladies, I’d rather not find out.

  9. 9 Jeff

    Ooh, now you got me singing Hot Legs in my head (great song!)

    So you hoped he would play with your hair eh? Too funny.

  10. 10 Cathouse Teri

    Play with your hair…. hahaha…. that totally made me laugh!

    Cathouse Teri’s last blog post..Feels Like The First Time

  11. 11 cardiogirl

    All this time I’ve been competing with the people at the YMCA with varied results — there are mostly 40-somethings and above there. But you’ve got your PYTs who have more stamina than a competitive 40-year old woman with three small children who is trying to work out some internal angst on the elliptical all the while trying to last on the damn cardio machine longer than. Each. One. Of. Them.

    And all along, I should have thought about my target market.

    If I go into a physical therapy place like that, it would be like shooting fish in a bucket! Now all I have to do is figure out how to get my doctor to recommend PT.

    Hey, maybe I can tell him it would help with my mood, help lift my depression…

    Lastly, you have verified that we were separated at birth with the following statement:

    “A sweet old lady gets on the bike next to me, which is a signal for me to go even faster. She pedals at a leisurely pace, oblivious to the fact that she’s racing with a 47-year-old 12-year old. …The lady next to me tells her PT she’s tired, and I shoot the room a triumphant look. I win!”

    Go JD, way to represent!

    cardiogirl’s last blog post..I wonder if Dr. G Medical Examiner could figure out the Elbow Incident

  12. 12 Natural

    well i had a similar experience of an old man racing me on the treadmill, only thing is, HE won.

    oh yeah electrical stimulation is eyes rolling in the back of my head great. i go again this friday, even fell asleep the last time and offered to buy the machine from my chiropractor.

    “Oh, do shut up.” funny JD. I’ll have to use that today, seems like a phrase you would say with an english accent.

    Natural’s last blog post..Friends and Money

  13. 13 JD

    Jeff: It’s a catchy song, all right. Especially when you’re engaged in a death-battle on the upright bike. “I LOVE YA, HON-AY!”

    Cathouse Teri: Yeah . . . I don’t know. It just seemed like something that might happen. Maybe next week.

    cardiogirl: Woo! Separated at birth—I always suspected. You’ve GOT to get some PT. Beating those old ladies has been more satisfying than any prescription drug I’ve ever taken. Fish in a bucket indeed.

    Natural: Oh, it’s bad when the old men win. He was probably on steroids.

    I think you can get the TENS units on eBay, but . . . would you want to?

    And you’re dead on about the English accent.

  14. 14 Shieldmaiden96

    A friend of mine, doing PT after a car wreck, tearfully called her therapist a sadistic bastard. He hunkered down, looked her in the eyes and said, “Do you want someone to paint your toes and talk about the soaps or do you want your mobility back?”

    He was no fun, but she has no pain anymore…so that’s somethin’!

    Shieldmaiden96′s last blog post..Thanks, Bo….

  15. 15 Babs - beetle

    Well I, of course, read it with an English accent “I dooo shut uuup!”

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Six quirky things about me

  16. 16 Regan

    Hehe. It’s always nice to know you beat some old lady out there in physical therapy.

  17. 17 Maureen

    OMG, you had me laughing out loud. Brilliant!

    And congrats on beating the old lady on the bike; because yes, that IS what it is all about.

    I have had TENS on my neck; oh, how I want one of those machines at home (er, for my NECK… Ahem!) My PT let me hold the control and increase it as much as I could stand… I was cranking that sucker up to max in no time.

    Hope your back is feeling better. But if not, make sure to take down those old biddies again. I’m rootin’ for ya.

  18. 18 ann of the shampoo bag

    I’ve experienced the pulsifying stimulation of the TENS, also. I totally want one for Christmas.

  19. 19 Natural

    I didn’t know you could buy a TENS Unit on line. OMG. I just did a search and look:


    and they’re affordable, to me. I’m drooling a little bit over here.

    this machine may just get rid of a few people…there’s almost nothing like it. almost. i said almost.

    Natural’s last blog post..Friends and Money

  20. 20 JD

    Shieldmaiden96: Aw, your poor friend. I hope she’s doing OK now. The thing is, these exercises weren’t even that difficult. I was just being a big baby.

    Babs – beetle: Well, of course you would! I bet you sounded just perfect.

    Regan: Yeah, I feel a real sense of satisfaction

    Maureen: Oh, thank you.

    Y’know, between you and Tiggy, you’re really giving me some ideas about the TENS unit—fascinating ideas… Did you see Natural’s link to the online TENS store?

    ann of the shampoo bag: “pulsifying”—what a great word. That sums it up nicely. Thanks to Natural, we have a link:


    Natural: Oh, my god, that is awesome. For some reason I just assumed they were really expensive or available only on eBay. Thanks for the link—I’m checking it out for SURE!

  21. 21 ann of the shampoo bag

    Natural: I’m sending that link to my husband. For the girl who has everything…

  22. 22 Alice

    I laughed out loud about the little zappy pad placement! Too funny.

    I had the cutest guy for PT when I had ankle problems. Too bad he was about 6 inches shorter than me because I was totally hot for him.

    Alice’s last blog post..Blog Lull Funk Randomness

  23. 23 JD

    Alice: Ah, the tragedy of the too-short cute guy. I actually got the hot massage therapist today, but his massage was so terrible I can never look at him the same. Also, my back was all sweaty again.

  24. 24 Toe Picker Upper

    Um, I’m not sure what this says about me, but I got stuck after I read about the woman picking up marbles with her toes. LOL… How is that therapeutic? I do that all day, but with socks and dog toys. :-)

    Toe Picker Upper’s last blog post..Happy Birthday Best Friend

  25. 25 JD

    Toe Picker Upper: HA! I knew as soon as I saw this user name who “Toe Picker Upper” was . . . and why. I think what you’ve been doing with socks and dog toys is preventive therapy. Keep it up, and you’ll never have to pick up marbles with your toes!

  26. 26 Natural

    I’m printing out the information on their website and taking it to my chiro tomorrow to see what he thinks. I want one for real. I will be so fixed! It never occurred to me to check online until you mentioned it JD. TY

    Natural’s last blog post..The Rise of the Freemale

  27. 27 JD

    Natural: Let me know what you find out. Here’s the site my doc pointed me to (you need a prescription):


    We will both be so fixed! Thanks for looking it up. I think I checked online a while ago, and they were either really expensive or available only from shady vendors.

  28. 28 RG

    Very funny stuff… lol… no… I mean I really did laugh out loud :-D

    And… Thanks for droppin’ by and commenting on my blog…

    I’ll be back again

    RG’s last blog post..Wordless (OMG) Wednesday

  29. 29 Tracy

    Do you take requests?

  30. 30 Formerly Fun

    Just a few requests:

    Can you tell off my mother in law so I don’t have to?

    And maybe have hernia surgery so I don’t have to(last c-section left a hole for my guts to pop out)?

    Last one, could you do that thing my husband asked for for Father’s Day so I don’t have to?

    Thanks, you’re the best.

  31. 31 DVS

    I love this blog..the title is a work of genius! Keep it up!

    DVS’s last blog post..HALF DEAD AND DANCING. CHAPTER 19

  32. 32 JD

    RG: Wow, a genuine “LOL”! I’m always suspicious that people aren’t really LOL-ing when they write that. Anyway, welcome, and thank YOU for dropping by. Your blog is really interesting (and you certainly deserve a LOL), so I’ll be back. Viva EntreCard!

    Tracy: Yes! Yes, I do. But you should probably consult this first:

    I Won’t Do These Things

    Then ask away!

    Formerly Fun: Welcome, and . . . no longer Fun? Hmmm. OK, let’s see:

    Tell off your MIL: you betchya.
    Hernia surgery: Only if I get lots of painkillers, preferably liquid morphine.
    “That thing”: I’m gonna need more details. But probably, yes.

    DVS: Wheee! Thank you! I’m a checkin’ out yours too.

  33. 33 Susan

    TENS and Vicodin, what else do you need?

    Best line: 47-year-old 12-year old

    Tagged you for a meme.

    Susan’s last blog post..2/3 of a Meme

  34. 34 JD

    Susan: This 47-year-old 12-year-old don’t need NOTHIN’ else.

  35. 35 MichelleSG

    Sorry you didn’t have a good time at PT, I had always heard that it was like scheduled torture sessions so when I had to go to a live in PT rehab place for a week I did not have high hopes. Picture this, 34 yr old woman, AVM (ie anurysm, stroke, brain surgery) goes into rehab, is younger than everyone else there by at least 40 yrs. Man that place was depressing. All the PT’s there stare at me and I can read their faces, they are thinking “Man, she looks fine, I could be that woman. Damn I’m glad I’m not that woman.”. Totally freaky. So look at it this way, it could be way worse. I ended up leaving there 14lbs lighter though and seeing as how I’m a wee person I’m not sure what the heck they did to get that weight off. Keep at it but don’t sweat, it’s not pretty…

    MichelleSG’s last blog post..Turbo, a Power Rangers movie

  36. 36 JD

    MichelleSG: Wow! I hope you’re doing well now. That sounds like a pretty tough situation. You’re right: it could definitely be worse. In fact, I’m pretty lucky. PT is going better (different therapist) and there was actually a teenager in there the other day, so I didn’t feel so out of place.

    Take care.

  37. 37 Tens unit girl

    TENS units are great!!! And yes you can totally put them on different areas of pain so they’re great for a lifetime of fun and relief – apart from the fact that they work in relieving pain of all types: menstrual pain, sports injuries, aching joints, back pain and neck pain etc you’re in control!!! No more PT fiddling with your bits, altho sounds like u didnt mind too much JD ;) which means total control for u and a one time fee for the little lovely machine as opposed to a billion PT session fees!!!Yay!
    Check them out here: http://www.bodyclock.net OR http://www.tensunit.com (see there is no ‘s’ on the end)
    The ones in the sites above are medically approved and super value for money as they are real high quality and low return rates and they’ve got a good range so shop away :)

  38. 38 JD

    Tens unit girl: No, I didn’t mind the fiddling too much (!) but I was thrilled to get my own TENS unit (Empi), that is, until my insurance took it away. But we’ve got new insurance again, so I’m hoping to get another one. GOD, how I love it. Thanks so much for the links. I hope everyone will run out and get one!


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