I’m Going on a Crazy Diet

Bite that bun
Bite that pie
You better drink that shake before you die*

red-pepper.jpg

So I’m going to Vegas in a few weeks and I want to drop some poundage. For one thing, I want to make room for all the buffet food I plan to eat (not to mention those Nutella crepes they serve in our hotel’s coffeeshop—SWOON!). Also, I want to fit into my favorite pair of green pants. I wore them on our flight to Vegas last year and have fond memories of dancing around the driveway at 4:00 AM in the headlights of the cab, as the driver looked on, unimpressed. I want to dance! In my green pants! And eat! Las Vegas is home to M&M’s World, people!

Here’s the plan:

SlimFast shake (or similar weight-loss shake of 190 or fewer calories) for breakfast, mid-morning, and mid-afternoon. A serving of fruit for breakfast. For lunch and dinner, diet frozen dinner with fewer than 180 calories, along with 2 servings of fruit OR vegetables. And you gotta walk or exercise for 45-90 minutes every day. I’ve been walking for an hour as soon as I get up in the AM, so that’s no biggie. I like to do other stuff, too, but I doubt I’ll manage it on a measly 1,080 calories a day.

Supposedly you can lose 40 pounds in 12 weeks. I don’t need to lose 40 pounds; I just wanna wear my green pants. Plus, there’s no WAY I could keep this up for 12 weeks, nor do I think it’s particularly healthy to do so. I figure I can realistically do it for one week and then do a week with some modifications, like adding a Big Mac at lunch and a large pizza at dinner. No, seriously, maybe add a serving of brown rice, or throw some yogurt in the SlimFast, maybe a bowl of hi-fiber cereal.

I don’t usually try crazy diets. I lost 35 pounds on Weight Watchers several years ago. It took about 6 months and it really wasn’t too hard. But through determination, effort, and sheer gluttony I gained it back. Surprisingly, I’m not all that unhappy about it, except for those green pants. Still, I’m not exactly happy. I’d like there to be a little less of me. But it’s hard to lose weight/keep it off when you love food, have no willpower, and keep having to see stuff like this at the store.

A Few Observations after My First Day on the Crazy Diet
  • It is easy to make a frozen dinner under 180 calories when the main ingredient is red peppers.
  • You literally cannot buy a frozen dinner without red peppers.
  • Contrary to what diet frozen dinner makers may think, red peppers have no flavor.
  • Healthy Choice Slow Roasted Turkey Breast and Smart Ones Chicken Santa Fe are not bad at all. But oh, so tiny!
  • SlimFast is kind of terrible. Why can’t they make it taste better? Maybe I’m s’posed to be drinking it out of an attractive soda glass instead of the can. I didn’t expect it to taste like a strawberry shake; I was hoping for strawberry milk, but it was more like strawberry . . . feet. I checked the ingredients and didn’t see “rancid foot odor flakes,” but those label people can be tricky.
Crazy Diet Pros . . .
  • No dishes!
  • No cooking!
  • No feeling uncomfortably full!
. . . and Cons
  • No energy!
  • No happiness!
  • No feeling uncomfortably full!

Hey! If you’re gonna be in Vegas in mid-September, look me up. I’ll be the one in the green pants dancing in the buffet line.

If you want to go on a crazy diet:
  • Drink lots of water. Supposedly this fools your stomach into thinking it’s full. This is a lie. But water is good for you, especially if you’re eating 65,000 grams of sodium in one sitting.
  • Get lots of sleep. Studies have shown that people who get more sleep are more likely to lose weight. Also, you just do not want to be awake during this hell.
  • Reconsider. Life is short. Food is delicious. SlimFast is evil.

* Today’s lyrics are courtesy of The Chills . . . again!

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23 Comments


23 Responses to “I’m Going on a Crazy Diet”

  1. 1 Ernie

    Hey, thanks for going on this diet on my behalf. I really wasn’t looking forward to the diet frozen dinners.

  2. 2 JD

    No problem, Ernie! Happy to do it. Actually, most of the diet fro-dins haven’t been too bad (but for God’s sake, stay AWAY from Lean Cuisine’s Garlic Beef with Broccoli), just really, really small. And salty. Have a beer for me, will ya?

  3. 3 Jac

    I eat frozen diet food a lot, because no one told me the obligation to get fat is written in small print on marriage certificates. I have found the best ones by far are Lean Cuisines, but stay far away from any of them that are “Asian-y” or claim to be “spa food”. They are liars.

    Good luck!

  4. 4 JD

    Jac: I had an “Asian-y” one last week and BLEEUUURRGGH! The “beef” was not even remotely in the meat family; it had the disturbing texture of mushrooms. Smart Ones chicken quesadillas aren’t bad, especially slathered in salsa and melted cheese (with a side of McDonald’s).

  5. 5 Rob O.

    When going the liquid diet route, protein is key.

    I might recommend that you replace the crappy SlimFast shakes with something more substantial. Sure, the calorie count in SlimFast is low, but they’re loaded with carbs/sugar and offer little protein. (You can easily get as much protein as is in a SF shake by eating a handful of almonds or walnuts.)

    Instead, I’d suggest you try one of the shakes aimed at atheletes like Myoplex Ready-to-Drink shakes. Now, they’re pricey and the calorie count is triple that of the SF shake, but the serving size is huge too. So if you only drink half of one of these at a time, the calories is back down to reasonable and you’re getting twice the protein & fiber and still about half the sugar.

    Even better – and less expensive – try Reset Weight Loss Shake Mix. You mix this with water or milk (I recommend milk) and it tastes so close to actual milkshake, you’ll be amazed. But the calories are back down to SF shake level and you get 2-3 times the protein & fiber along with half the sugar.

    With either one of these, you can make them even more filling by blending with some crushed ice and/or a few frozen strawberries. Makes ‘em more like a smoothie or milkshake.

    Also, the South Beach frozen stuff fares better than many of the others in taste and portion. And they’re specifically designed to be high-protein and use more nutrionally-dense sources for carbs.

  6. 6 JD

    Wow, thanks so much, Rob. I do feel kind of bad drinking those SlimFast shakes. I’ll definitely look for the Reset ones and give the South Beach fro-dins a try. I think you’re right to suggest more protein and fiber–empty calories and sodium aren’t quite getting the job done for me.

    Thanks again for taking the time to comment and give such great advice!

  7. 7 JHS

    Definitely crazy. And unhealthy. And whatever weight you lose will come back.

    Hope none of your readers follow your lead.

  8. 8 JD

    Hi, JHS!

    I absolutely plan to gain the weight back—as I said, I’m hitting the Vegas buffets, so, yeah, I’m guessing the 2 pounds I lost will probably come back. With interest.

    I’m the first to say it’s a crazy and unhealthy diet (“. . . there’s no WAY I could keep this up for 12 weeks, nor do I think it’s particularly healthy to do so. I figure I can realistically do it for one week and then do a week with some modifications, like adding . . . a serving of brown rice, or throw some yogurt in the SlimFast, maybe a bowl of hi-fiber cereal”).

    I think my readers are smart enough not to try this unless it’s on a very short-term basis, as I did (1 week).

    Thanks for the comment. I very much like your Health and Fitness Philosophy

  9. 9 JoLynn Braley

    Hi JD,

    I hope you have a lot of fun in Vegas, I love the shows out there!

    One thing I’d like to point out…..you can really bomb out your metabolism by dieting (restricting food and calories)….you need to eat and eat often throughout the day to lose weight and keep your metabolism burning. Of course, it’s highly important what kind of food you eat….whole foods, balancing your protein, carbs, fruit, and veggies.

    It sounds like you’re already aware that the way you’re following isn’t healthy, but I just wanted to mention this because there are a lot of people who think the way to lose weight is to limit your food intake. AND, you really can keep the weight off if you do it in a healthy manner and change your lifestyle. ;)

    Take care and have fun on your trip!

    All the best,

    JoLynn

  10. 10 JD

    Hi, JoLynn!
    Yeah, I’m really looking forward to Vegas. I always have fun there.

    You’re absolutely right about metabolism and the need to keep eating. I only did that crazy SlimFast diet for a week, just to see if I could drop a few pounds. Normally I do eat pretty healthfully and have just been discouraged lately by my inability to lose even a few pounds.

    Your site looks really interesting! I’ll definitely be reading and getting some more good advice!

    Thanks for the comment.

  11. 11 cardiogirl

    Oh JD how you make me laugh. I love your honesty, woman!

    I am with Rob on this. Protein will make you feel full for a good two hours or so. In addition to the protein shakes, might I recommend a protein bar from the Zone? Each one has about 16 grams of protein and roughly 200-225 calories.

    My favorite line, because it gave an awesome zinger I was not expecting: “But through determination, effort, and sheer gluttony I gained it back.”

    Considering the mood I am currently in, this is an awesome achievement to be able to make me crack a smile, much less laugh.

    You are definitely my kinda gal, JD!

  12. 12 JD

    Cardiogirl! Thanks so much for the great comment. I kind of regretted sharing this one after getting sort of reprimanded by a few people (I said it was a crazy diet!), but I’m glad it made you laugh, especially if you’re having a bad day.

    I’m definitely on the protein bandwagon. I got some protein powder to make healthy shakes, and I’ll look for the Zone bars – thanks for the recommendation.

    I’ll be writing a post soon about my upcoming not-so-crazy diet (time to get serious now), so check back!

    Thanks again – always great to hear from you!

  13. 13 ErMoo

    Very nicely done. I\’m book marking this site.

    ErMoo’s last blog post..Diabetes Diet Guidelines : Food Pyramid: Diabetes Diet Tips

  14. 14 JD

    ErMoo: Why, thank-ee!

  15. 15 SKF

    Sounds crazy, you may as well try the 3 hour diet, its crazy but at least its over quick

  16. 16 JD

    SKF: All right: you got me. What’s the 3-hour diet? I bet it involves laxatives, right?

  17. 17 Diet

    *bookmark*

    I`ve done something similar a few times before. When it comes to losing a lot of weight in a short time, anyway; my last diet wasn`t painful or stressing or crappy at all. It just.. worked. =D

    How did it go, did you get into the pants?

  18. 18 Fris Arvz

    Make your diet gradually… Lessen your food volume little by little. So that your body wouldn’t be SHOCK on eventual DIET.

  19. 19 Diet That Works

    Did you try one of those 24 hours weekend diet things? They aren’t really good for long-term success, but if you want to fit into those green pants, it might be just the ticket!

  20. 20 Gaby

    Oh god, I love food too, I would never do that to my body or mind! But, I needed to lose weight as well and found something which worked well for me without losing my taste buds totally…
    Have a look at my Squidoo Lens, if you are interested.
    .-= Gaby´s last blog ..Lose Weight Fast Diets – One That Works updated Mon Oct 26 2009 12:04 pm CDT =-.

  21. 21 Karen

    With reference to your comment: ‘Get lots of sleep. Studies have shown that people who get more sleep are more likely to lose weight’

    I only sleep around six and a half hours a night… maybe that’s why I cant shift the weight! I suppose the more you sleep, the less you eat.

  1. 1 MiddleAgeShed
  2. 2 Do You Believe You Must Stop Eating To Lose Weight? - The Fit Shack

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