I’m Getting Death Threats


death-threat-elmo

Cor dear, as Gordon Ramsay and other British people say.

I always knew it would happen some day, I just hoped it wouldn’t be so soon.

Yup. Your beloved JD has received a death threat. I’m sure it’s the first of many.

According to TV shows (by whose gospel I pretty much live my life), you shouldn’t call the cops or tell anyone.

But aren’t you always screaming at your TV: CALL THE COPS! TELL SOMEONE!”?

In that spirit, I’m sharing this death threat with you in its unaltered, original form:

—– Original Message —–
From: workshop
Sent: Saturday, December 19, 2009 8:08 AM
Subject: YOUR LIFE IN DANGER

Hey,
My name withheld, I am emailing to you for very important information about your life. There is secret information that has a lot to do with your life. I came across this secret accidentally.
There is a group of secret cult members mixed with assassins. They held a meeting on how to track your family; they planned on how to hit you first before any other person in your family. I have had a means to cover their meeting discussions on how to eliminate you, right now I have the tape and I know you would like to have this tape so that you can solve the problem before they take your life.
I use to be one of them but now I decided not to allow you die this way for some reasons.I have the tape and you need not to report the case to police yet, we need to arrange on how you can get the tape immediately .If you report this case to police or any security service, mind you they will not spare your life and family reply me immediately……do not try to run because they are monitoring you I know the time they planned to hit you, you need to reply me immediately……you are closely monitored!!!

Shite! (as Irish people say)

Despite the casual, almost friendly salutation, this is pretty terrifying. And despite the terror, I’m a little flattered. They’re going to hit me before anyone else in my family? I’m being closely monitored? In the final moments of my life, at least I’ll feel special.

But in the meantime, I’m gobsmacked! (I’ve been watching a lot of Gordon Ramsay this week). Why would a group of cult members AND assassins (that’s a bad combo right there) want me dead? And why me before my family members? My brother’s eyesight is bad; he’ll never see them coming.

“Name Witheld,” who ARE you? Oh, yeah. “Workshop.” What a mundanely dastardly name! And how did you come across this secret information? Oh, yeah. You said. “Accidentally.”

I know what you’re thinking. Oh, JD! This is one of those popular e-mail hoaxes we’ve all heard about. Oh, yeah? Well, that’s what I thought.

So I Googled “Your Life Is At Risk” and came up with the following:

Your Life Is At Risk Extortion Letter

Counterfeit Check Fraud

Nothing. Nothing about secret assassins and/or cult members.

Then I searched Snopes. Snopes lists EVERY scam available. Surely a few key words would reveal this all to be a hoax.

First I tried “death threat.”

There are a LOT of “death threat” scams out there. In fact, please don’t even click that link. But none of them described what I was dealing with.

Then I tried “your life in danger.”

Nada.

So, the unavoidable conclusion is: This is a legitimate death threat. By the time you comment, I’ll probably be dead. But please comment anyway!

If you don’t, the terrorists win!

Bonus Terrifying Hoaxes!

__________________

Elmo came from here

Share on Facebook

Stumble Upon Toolbar

Be Sociable, Share!



67 Comments


67 Responses to “I’m Getting Death Threats”

  1. 1 Tracy

    I can’t wait for Chris Hansen’s next series “To catch an internet secret ninja cult assassin death squad”.

    I would be flattered if somebody thought I could come up with a solution to cult assassin elimination.

  2. 2 Jaffer

    I’ve never heard of a death-threat hoax ! I learn something new everyday – and here I was … (please read my latest tweet)
    .-= Jaffer´s last blog ..Monday for meeting… tuesday for talking… =-.

  3. 3 Grace

    That stuff winds up in my spam folder so I never get to read such interesting letters…at least it’s a good laugh.
    .-= Grace´s last blog ..Sunday Serenade =-.

  4. 4 Jay

    Never mind the death threats, I’m interested in the restroom hand dryers. I’m convinced that they DO spread disease, on account of I read somewhere that some person had done a study, yeah, and they put filters in the dryers, yeah, and they put dye in the toilets, right, and the filters came out blue.

    What? Yes, the dye was blue!! Stop nitpicking!

    LOL!

    I really don’t think you have any need to fret about your life just yet though. Not unless you use those dastardly restroom hand dryers. They probably have burundanga in them.

  5. 5 feefifoto

    I’LL SAVE YOU J.D.!!@!
    .-= feefifoto´s last blog ..Will There Be Anything Left To Put In It After Paying For It? =-.

  6. 6 babs - beetle

    Oh gor blimey! As we English say ;) That’s the first I’ve heard of death threat spam. I might have been tempted to answer, and beg for the tape. Just for the laugh.
    By the way, did you know that Gor blimey is derived from ‘God blind me’?
    .-= babs – beetle´s last blog ..Hot off the ice! =-.

  7. 7 CatLadyLarew

    How come nobody ever wants to kill me… I’m feeling a little neglected here!
    .-= CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..It’s Blogoversary Time Already! or Great Moments In Stalker History! =-.

  8. 8 Angelika

    Cool! I’ve never met anyone who was on a cult member/assassin’s hit list!
    .-= Angelika´s last blog ..I’m scared, y’all. =-.

  9. 9 Patricia

    I agree with Angelika. It’s cool to be on a hit list. And how can this possibly be a scam if they’re not asking you for money? It absolutely must be real. I’d take cover.

  10. 10 injaynesworld

    There’ll be no gifts from Santa under that guy’s tree…
    .-= injaynesworld´s last blog ..injaynesworld it’s "Sunday Recap" time… =-.

  11. 11 Regan

    Maybe it’s because of the fetus. It all leads back to the fetus. It obviously has mind control powers or there’s something else special about it. So some cult wants this fetus because they also want world domination.

    And since said fetus is on your driveway, they want to kill you. Why they don’t just take the fetus in the middle of the night, I do not know. Maybe they’re practicing being powerful for when they need to take over the world.

    This would make an amazing movie.

  12. 12 Pricilla

    Man, at least the threat of the butcher never hangs over your head. I didn’t see ninja assassin BUTCHER in that letter.

    I guess I am just not a cool goat.

    The publicist though had her windows shot out when she lived in NJ. The person running against the male person in the local council race didn’t want him to run so they kept calling and saying “you’re gonna die if you don’t leave the race.” And when that didn’t work they shot out the windows of her sunroom. It was not very nice. But the male person won the race anyway. With all 600 votes. It was such a big town.

    People are idiots.
    .-= Pricilla´s last blog ..Luke Enjoys His Corn =-.

  13. 13 Daisy the Curly Cat

    Blimey! I hope that wasn’t from Mr. Shrill.

    The whole time I was reading the e-mail, I was thinking “tape” referred to duct tape! Like, once you get the tape you will be safe because how can they try to kill you without the duct tape?
    .-= Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog ..Sunday Comics with Daisy! =-.

  14. 14 Shelly

    Maybe it’s a rogue elf and the lead assassin is really Santa?
    .-= Shelly´s last blog ..Follow up to hypothetical question =-.

  15. 15 Kathryn

    Okay, sweetie.

    I seem to be the only one who is not laughing (at the email! just the email…you know that you’re hilarious!!).

    I’ve seen some pretty bizarre and random spam emails, but never one that’s threatening.

    Would you ever consider reporting it to your email provider and letting them trace this guy? For I can only assume it’s a “he” for they are naturally the more violent of the genders….and only a stupid guy would send such a stupid email.

    I’ll be you anything that if you watch your search keywords over the next week, you’ll see other ppl googling the same thing. You just started looking too soon.

    Seriously. I realize it’s a stupid hoax email, but still. I’d give ‘em hell.
    .-= Kathryn´s last blog ..Nor’easter =-.

  16. 16 Shane

    Isn’t getting a death threat one of those milestone markers when you know you’re a “real” writer, or something? Love the picture of Elmo. He seems like the perfect secret agent for a group full of secret assassins and cult members.
    .-= Shane´s last blog ..Carp Fishing Rods | Carp Rods | Greys Carp Rods =-.

  17. 17 Lin

    Wow. Does this mean that you have hit the big time? I mean, who’s watching you? Crap, nobody around here knows I’m alive–well, unless they need something washed or dryed. I’m pretty impressed. Goodbye, JD. It was nice knowing you.
    .-= Lin´s last blog ..Guest Post Today! =-.

  18. 18 Kevin

    I wonder what his “reasons” are for not letting you be murdered?

    “Should I tell her my ‘reasons’? No.. no, she’d never understand…”
    .-= Kevin´s last blog ..Wordle! =-.

  19. 19 Kathy

    I’m quite sure the meeting discussion was short. “We can find her at McDonald’s. She loves their coffee and cat puke hash browns.”

    So my advice to you is lay off McD’s for a while.

  20. 20 expateek

    Well, the weird thing is that this “workshop” appears to be from Poland (@vp.pl). Having lived in Poland for the last couple of years, I say that unless they’re planning on force-feeding you pierogies, you don’t have too much to worry about. Good luck, JD.
    .-= expateek´s last blog ..Procrastination is an Art Form. Really! =-.

  21. 21 Jeff

    Mmm, “secret cult members mixed with assassins.” That’s my favorite cocktail! Of course it’s WAY better when you add a dash of Tabasco and some green olives, but that’s just me.

    Anyway, I think you should host a contest where we write responses to him, and you pick your favorite. I already have one composed in my head that is SURE to get you killed! Oh, this could be so much fun.
    .-= Jeff´s last blog ..10 Most Overlooked Benefits of Winter =-.

  22. 22 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    I guess I’m still not clear. Does this guy have a tape or not?
    .-= Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog ..Goat Thing of the Day: Zebra and Chocolate =-.

  23. 23 BK

    They are getting better each day and very creative I must say. :)
    .-= BK´s last blog ..Peace Starts from Within Us =-.

  24. 24 Surfie

    Well, Crikey! Now who’s going to do things for me after you’ve been rubbed out?

    Do they actually think that it would be so easy to foil their dastardly plans so long as you just watch the tape? Really? Is their plan that simple and easily thwarted? I guess we’re not dealing with a brain-trust assassin-filled cult. (Lucky you!)
    .-= Surfie´s last blog ..Super-Chocolate Hot Cocoa =-.

  25. 25 David

    It’s the bathroom hand dryers that will kill you. *nodding sagely*
    .-= David´s last blog ..The Peculiarities of Fate =-.

  26. 26 Heather Kephart

    What on Earth! I poop on that death threat! Mr. Workshop, you can take your “Hey” and shove it where the sun don’t shine.

    These things only happen to you, Julia lol
    .-= Heather Kephart´s last blog ..Goals for 2010: Blogging or Writing? =-.

  27. 27 Stephanie Barr

    I’ve just spent the weekend traveling (by car) with my family. The worst part about a death threat was if it turned out to be hoax.
    .-= Stephanie Barr´s last blog ..Video Break =-.

  28. 28 Leeuna

    Oh no! They can’t kill you JD. Who would do all these things for us? And besides, you don’t have time for all that. Don’t they know it’s a holiday? Stupid, assassins. (hahaaa. I never realized until now how funny the word assassins looks when typed. AssAssIns.

    Oh yeah, be careful and stay out of dark alley ways and crowded malls and elevators and….well you know.
    .-= Leeuna´s last blog ..It’s A Wonderful Life (except on occasion) =-.

  29. 29 Mike Foster

    Hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday season and amazing 2010!

    peace,
    Mike
    Happy Holidays from livelife365
    .-= Mike Foster´s last blog ..Happy Holidays =-.

  30. 30 moooooog35

    It’s like ‘Death Threat Monday’…although on my site, it’s more like ‘Death Wish’ than ‘Death Threat.’

    poTAto..poTAHto
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Tis the Season – You are a Dick =-.

  31. 31 JD

    I AM ALIVE . . . SO FAR!

    Tracy: It’s the most evil problem NO ONE knows about!

    Jaffer: See above. Your latest Tweet . . . the suicide one?

    Grace: This one is unlike any I’ve ever received. I usually delete them, but I thought this one might be a keeper.

    Jay: HA! Hey, I’m not nitpicking — I believe you about the burudanga and the dye in the toilets and the GERMS THE GERMS! Phew. Death threats are nothing compared to germ threats.

    feefifoto: ZOMG! Thank you! Remember, tho, I’m being closely monitored. Wear a disguise!

    babs – beetle: I DID know that! I swear I did. But what about “Cor dear”? I’m skeered to answer the e-mail. All the TV shows tell you not to.

    CatLadyLarew: Shall I forward you the e-mail? I know it’s not the same . . .

    Angelika: I KNOW! I feel pretty awesome about it. I must be more important than I ever dreamed!

    Patricia: Right . . . right. They’re not asking for anything. Maybe that’s the next step? Either way, I’ma take cover.

    injaynesworld: YEAH! That’ll teach him! Tho . . . he IS trying to help me, isn’t he? Oh, this is so confusing.

    Regan: Boy, you’re right about one thing: this WOULD make an amazing movie. But the fetus is long gone. I can only assume that the assassin/cult death squad is angry about that. Maybe. Sniff. And I never even KNEW the fetus had magic powers.

    Pricilla: Oh my GOSH! Talk about an amazing movie! That’s really quite scary. It makes my stupid death threat look puny. Harrumph. But I’m lglad everyone’s OK and that the male person won. JUSTICE PREVAILS no matter the size of the town.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: HAR! Oh, me too! Do you think Mr. Shrill is capable of such skullduggery? Hmmm. I didn’t think of duct tape, but you COULD be right. Or not.

    Shelly: Brrr. Now there’s a scary thought. Don’t tell the children!

    Kathryn: Thank you for your concern, my friend. I know, I thought it was a little weird myself. My instincts tell me to just leave it be (“Is that why you wrote a blog post, dumbass?”) for now. Meanwhile, the computer on which I got the e-mail seems to be virused.

    Shane: I do feel rather honored. I suppose this means I’m finally a real blogger, even tho Elmo and his cohorts never mentioned that fact.

    Lin: Good-bye. I’m glad I could do SOME things in my short life. Don’t cry for me. It’s what THEY want.

    Kevin: I know! He sounds surprisingly sensitive . . . or deranged. I guess the machinations of a secret assassin/cult member death squad are way over my stupid head.

    Kathy: But I always use the drive-thru! You’re right, tho . . . they could bomb my car from a helicopter or something. Yes, it’s far too risky. I’ll have to make do with Burger King for at least a week.

    expateek: Mmmm . . . pierogies! Now this is all sounding pretty damn exciting! Although I AM on a diet, so I don’t like the idea of being force-fed. Especially something fattening, like pierogies. Hmmm.

    Jeff: Wow! What a great idea! Who else wants to play? Hellooooo? OK, Jeff, you win. What’s your winning entry? Your prize is a year’s supply of green olives.

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): Feel free to respond to his e-mail. I wouldn’t mind a little more information myself. You can pretend to be my lawyer or something. Maybe drop the “Nanny Goats,” tho. That doesn’t sound very lawerly.

    BK: Indeed. This one was worthy of a blog post!

    Surfie: HA! I do feel lucky that this alleged tape is all I need to “solve this problem.” But dang. I really must need that tape. Someone find me the tape! THE TAPE! I NEED IT!

    David: I know! I knew that even without the sage nod (tho I do appreciate that thoughtful touch). That’s why I avoid public bathrooms. Also assassins hide in there.

    Heather Kephart: WOO! That’s the spirit! Death threats are made to be POOPED on! Uh oh. You revealed my true name. It’s all over now!

    Stephanie Barr: Oh, dear. I mean, Cor dear. That does sound pretty awful. Do you want me to forward you the e-mail in case of future car trips?

    Leeuna: HAHAHA! We got YOU, AssAssins! We’ll just make fun of your name! Luckily, I never go out. Except for Zumba. Do you think that one woman with the shifty eyes and too-tight leggings is actually a cult member/assassin?

    Mike Foster: I hope we do! ALL of us. And the same to you, of course!

    moooooo35: I saw that . . . What’s with all the death going around lately? I HATE DEATH!

  32. 32 Kathy

    Oh, and I forgot to mention nothing says warm fuzzies like Death Threat Elmo. I don’t know why I love that picture so much. I shouldn’t.
    .-= Kathy´s last blog ..Windy Stands Alone =-.

  33. 33 Jaffer

    Yes, that one ! LOL – And thank goodness you are (still) not dead (yet) so that you can still do things so that I don’t have to !
    .-= Jaffer´s last blog ..Monday for meeting… tuesday for talking… =-.

  34. 34 Tiggy

    If you’ve received a death threat, that means you’ve made it. Congratulations!

    I would recommend getting a bodyguard, just to be on the safe side.
    .-= Tiggy´s last blog ..Kids Say the Funniest Things: Dear Santa =-.

  35. 35 Condo Blues

    Hmmm…with all of that extortion money changing hands, you think they’d upgrade their technology. I mean, really – who uses tape anymore? Criminals are trying to commit crimes with salsa music?

    Actually I think you got it right with the photo. I blame Elmo. The guy has a cult like following because he claims to teach children about reading and grammar yet he refuses to use pronouns. Definitely Elmo. Definitely.
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..Sew Easy Homemade Gifts for Girls and Guys =-.

  36. 36 Christa

    Wow, death threat by email. The world never ceases to amaze me.

    Of course you are closely monitored, DUH. Do they not realize YOU have a cult following.

    These terrorist types are so stupid. I blow my nose at them…
    .-= Christa´s last blog ..Giggle survives Spazzy Herpe Ball =-.

  37. 37 Barb - WillThink4Wine

    Oh gosh! I hope I’m not too late! My nephew just got engaged to a Ninja. I’m sure she could take ‘em. Should I call her?
    .-= Barb – WillThink4Wine´s last blog ..If it’s my Dad’s Birthday… =-.

  38. 38 Bingo

    I think this is a new way to swindle people on the internet. Don’t worry, you will be ok. Hugs! :)
    .-= Bingo´s last blog ..Superstitions Chapter 7 – The four-leaf clover =-.

  39. 39 dcr

    Okay, so he accidentally came across this information from a cult of assassins? How do you sneak up on a group of assassins? One would think they’d be pretty good about security.

    And, if you’re being monitored closely, might they be reading your eMail? In which case, you’re in big trouble now.

    Don’t worry, though, as others have gotten this message:

    http://antifraudintl.org/showthread.php?t=30855

    http://www.aworldofpoker.com/forum/post-247058.html
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Enter the Vampire =-.

  40. 40 Lidian

    Oh, dear – Elmo’s looking a little hostile. I knew he was bottling it all up inside, but this is just too much.

    Elmo doesn’t express himself in writing all that well, either, it would seem.
    .-= Lidian´s last blog ..Santa Takes A Break =-.

  41. 41 carissajaded

    I’m a little jealous too!! I KNOW I’ve pissed off a few people in my lifetime, but I’ve never been threatened. That being said, I will be panickly awaiting your next blog post so I know that you are ok. In the mean time you should really be contacting Liam Neeson to come and protect you. He’s the best person for the job.

    Maybe now that I have commented the people will see the connection between us and come after me too?
    .-= carissajaded´s last blog ..Surprisingly Chipper? Yes I am. =-.

  42. 42 ann

    Wow you’re first death threat. The only emails I get are the ones from banks that say my account has a problem or from paypal that they are going to cancel me if I don’t contact them immediately. I never knew anyone before who actually had a death threat.
    .-= ann´s last blog ..I can hardly wait =-.

  43. 43 meleah rebeccah

    I’ve never heard of a death-threat hoax ! Seems like YOU and MOOOG35 have a couple of Nut Jobs on your hands!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..When Is Enough? Enough. =-.

  44. 44 V

    LOL, that’s so cute, look at little elmo saying he’s going to kill you. where is his knife?

    and don’t scare me like that again. people on the web are crazy, i mean the killing crazy kind of crazy. you’re famous, you know. i thought someone was stalking you.

    your life is in danger and this fool sends you an email. i think he/she should have called you at home, with at least the palm of his hand over the mouth piece to disguise his voice.

    not even a hey JD, but hey. now i feel like beating on his *** just for sending that email. what’s his number, or his email address.

  45. 45 Your Daily Cute

    Oh, I do love Celia Cruz.

    That said, if you need a hand taking out this workshop dude, you let us know. Who knows how many people are in his assassin cult (What was that Angelina Jolie movie? Maybe they’re hot like she is…), but if we get all the blog pallies together, I bet we can take them.

    Or maybe we’ll get to meet Angelina Jolie. Either way, a win!
    .-= Your Daily Cute´s last blog ..Smart Kitten Opens Bedroom Door =-.

  46. 46 Spektor12

    Apparently the cult of assassins has discovered an unknown relationship between us because I got the same e-mail. Mine was more cryptically signed “W” though. My only concern is that they might be invisible ninja assassins, then were in trouble.

  47. 47 KC

    I’m also glad you are not dead. These spammers need to hire consultants who are native English speakers.
    .-= KC´s last blog ..Dear Santa, =-.

  48. 48 JD

    Kathy: It’s so wrong yet so right. I think Elmo has a lot of deep, hidden resentment. He’s gonna go off one day.

    Jaffer: Still not dead yet! And still doing things so you don’t have to! Right now I’m preparing to do last-minute X-mas shopping. FOR YOU!

    Tigy: Thank you! I’m really touched. And scared. I asked for a bodyguard for Christmas. There’s a large and suspicously bulky package under the tree.

    Condo Blues: Wow, you make an excellent point about Elmo. I never realized how truly subversive he is. The only logical conclusion to draw here is that he is indeed a trained assassin and/or cult member. “Cultassin”? The only way I’m dying by salsa music is a heart attack from dancing. And that really COULD happen.

    Christa: HA! Here, wait, lemme get a tissue . . . HONK! Woo! I blow my nose at them too! (I first typed “I blog my nose at them.” I think that would work too.)

    Barb – WillThink4Wine: YES! Please call her. And, uh . . . more details please. “My Nephew Married a Ninja.” I sense a movie. Or at least a blog post.

    Bingo: Aw, thank you. Those hugs are more protective than the heaviest bulletproof vest. (But I’m wearing the vest too, just in case.)

    Lidian: I think we may have found the root of Elmo’s hostility. His problem with language. Of all . . . creatures to work on a children’s show, too. No wonder he’s bubbling over with murderous resentment!

    dcr: Well, he DID say he had once been a member, so maybe they still trust him? Tho that doesn’t seem too likely. Oh My God, thank you! I couldn’t find ANY other references to this scan. PHEW! I feel much better. Now I just gotta deal with Elmo.

    carissajaded: Gasp! Liam Neeson! Cancel that bodyguard I ordered for Christmas! YES! I want Liam Neeson. We’ll see if he can work on a split rate, because, yes: you are now in grave danger too.

    ann: I feel pretty darn special. And now, thanks to dcr, above, I see that others have received similar threats, but I still consider myself the first. I get those PayPal ones too. As does my mom. Try telling HER they’re just a scam.

    meleah rebeccah: Yeah, I’m in good company! Wait. No, I’m not. I think moooooo35′s nut job is way scarier than mine, actually. At least mine didn’t call me “short.”

    V: You’re going to have to get in touch with Liam Neeson, as he’s representing all my bodyguard issues. He’ll tell you want to do. I’ll be honest: this one freaked me out a bit. But then I realized all the hits I might get from using “death threat” in my blog title, and I forgot all about my fear.

    Your Daily Cute: YES! She’s awesome. AZUKA! Or whatever. I think all assassins are hot. Except for Elmo. It’s just the whole badass nature of the job. I’ll let you meet Angelina Jolie. I’ll stick with Liam Neeson. Or James McAvoy, who was in that assassins movie with Angelina. WIN!

    Spektor: Yikes! While I feel better that I’m not alone, this is making me realize that this is a widespread and therefore professional organization. If they’re invisible (or Elmo), we’re screwed. I dare you to reply!

    KC: Yeah, you’d think that might’ve occurred to them by now, right? The poor English and missing words really makes the whole thing quite a bit less terrifying. But then look who their leader is: Elmo!

  49. 49 The Hawg!

    You have every right to be afraid. Thank God the sender of that decided to drop out of that fiendish group and warn you! Count your blessings, JD. Just count them up…
    .-= The Hawg!´s last blog ..Twisted Sister — “Oh Come all ye Faithful” =-.

  50. 50 Anne

    Was there more? It doesn’t tell us why they want to kill you. Is it because you do things so I don’t have to? Do they want me to have to do it myself? Don’t they realize you are performing a public service? You are a giver? You sacrifice yourself for the good of others? Maybe it was the old lady you dropped your laptop on.

  51. 51 wngl

    This might be an attempt to kill you with laughter. Secret ninja assassin cults get away with it all the time. We need to form a stealthy countercult of elite and lethally sober Shaolin monks!

  52. 52 dcr

    Anne may be on to something. Looks like the sender was from Poland. Did the old lady you crippled look or sound Polish?

    If you do a search on Google for a Polish assassin, there are 2,220,000 results! Whoa! You might need to track down that old lady and buy her a Hoveround or something, and apologize profusely.

    In Polish.

    “Przepraszam! Przepraszam! Przepraszam!”
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..One Step Into the Future, Fantastic and Scary =-.

  53. 53 Christie

    enjoyed your post!

  54. 54 Katherine

    Awww, if they kill you, can I have your blog? ;)
    .-= Katherine´s last blog ..It WAS…. The SMIRK =-.

  55. 55 Secret Agent Mama

    Oh Holy Hell!! That’s downright scary. Guns. Get guns.

    :P
    .-= Secret Agent Mama´s last blog ..Weekly Winners {The Megan, Deb, and Mishi Edition} =-.

  56. 56 Ron

    Shitola (as Italian people say)

    ….”you are closely being monitored!!!”

    OMG….that gives me the CREEPS.

    Well…it’s been two days since you’ve posted this and I see that you’re responding to comments, so you must still be alive.

    Or….could it be THEM responding?!?!?

    Is that you, JD????

    Tap twice if it’s YOU.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
    .-= Ron´s last blog ..Merry Christmas Everyone! =-.

  57. 57 JD

    The Hawg!: I am, believe me. I just wish he’d gone one step further and actually told me WHY? WHY does this shadowy group want me dead? What did I ever do to them?

    Anne: Oh, man, I forgot all about that old lady! You’re right: that’s the only person who could be responsible. She put the evil eye on me! Why else? Because I am, as you say, a giver.

    wngl: I like your plan. Shaolin monks are NOT to be messed with. I never even realized that secret ninja assassins used the dastardly weapon of laughter. Except . . . I’m not laughing.

    dcr: YES! Well, definitely Eastern European. Oh, this is all falling into place now. Przepraszam! Geez, that’s a lot of “z’s” for a simple “Sorry.”

    Christie: Thank you!

    Secret Agent Mama: I’ve got a few guns. They’re water pistols, but I bet being “closely monitored” doesn’t mean THAT close. They’ll never suspect.

    Ron: Tap. Tap. It’s me! I swear. They’ll never get me! It is kind of creepy, tho. And thanks for teaching me a new Italian word!

    Katherine: You’re so sweet to think of my blog! Aw! No one . . . NO ONE has been so considerate and selfless to contemplate what might happen to . . . hey, wait a MINUTE!

  58. 58 Jenn of Many Cabbages

    My gosh– WHY? WHY? WHY, JD? Did you do one thing so someone didn’t have to and they didn’t want it done?

    It’s always the good ones, I tell you, that get the raw deal!

    Sniff.

    Sob.
    .-= Jenn of Many Cabbages´s last blog ..Doctor Who Versus the Daleks Verus the Dickens Christmas Village =-.

  59. 59 erin

    Nooooo!! Not our beloved JD! You MUST comply with them immediately! :)
    .-= erin´s last blog ..Tasty Holiday Treats: Church Windows =-.

  60. 60 Maureen

    Oh oh… looks like my Cookie Deadly Forest Ninja is on the loose. First Jeff’s tree, now you.

    Better be on the lookout for sparkly green sugar crumbs.

    Happy Holidays JD!!!!!

  61. 61 dcr

    I think we’re figuring it out…

    You crippled that old lady.

    She made some calls to her friends in Poland.

    They had a meeting, and decided to hire a gang in America to carry out their plan.

    That gang, of course, was the infamous Sesame Street Gang. That is where Elmo enters the picture.

    The guy who contacted you was Kermit the Frog, using servers hosted in Poland so as not to be suspected by his former associates.

    You see, Kermit the Frog used to be associated with the Sesame Street Gang, but then he allied himself with the Muppets, who later joined Disney.

    And Disney isn’t into assassinating people.

    However, times are rough, so Kermit is looking for some extra cash. Thus, he wants you to buy the info from him so he can buy Miss Piggy something nice for Christmas.

    Furthermore, the Sesame Street Gang also wants your blog. Just think about how they can expand their grip on children by cornering the “I Do Things” angle. “I Touch a Hot Stove So You Don’t Have to.” “I Jump Off a Roof Because My Brother Told Me I Could Fly with This Blanket So You Don’t Have to.” “I Eat Paste and Learn That It Tastes, Oops, Not too Bad, But, Um, So You Don’t Have to.”

    So, I think we’ve put all the pieces together here. You better be careful. Elmo is everywhere.
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Could We Have Some Balance? =-.

  62. 62 Chris@TheSnackHound

    What about the lady that emails you to say that it is so important that you contact her because she has cosmic information that you are going to come into money, but you need to contact her to find what the stars have to say about how you should go about getting it.

    Oh, and don’t feel bad about having assassins after you. I already got the email addressed to “internet user” saying that I am your last known heir and if I give up my bank account number, I will inherit an oil field.

  63. 63 aberjoe

    I’d hate to lose you now JD, I love having you do stuff so I don’t have to, heck I’ve even bookmarked your blog so I don’t even have to type it in. It looks like you’re getting some good advice, so I guess I don’t even have to do that, good luck.

  64. 64 JD

    Jenn of Many Cabbages: I don’t know? I keep trying to think what it could’ve been. And yet: I’m still alive. Perhaps I’ll get another e-mail?

    erin: HA! Your devotion is flattering. But I’m scared to reply. But I’m scared not to reply. Surely they won’t kill me till after Xmas?

    Maureen: It’s hard to be scared of a ninja made of sugar, but these days I’m not taking any chances. Happy Holidays to you!

    dcr: You’re scaring me and making me laugh at the same time. You know, some of those “I Do Things” ideas are possibilities for 2010. If I’m still here.

    Chris@TheSnackHound: What bugs me is that there’s no request for money OR my bank account number. They’re serious! Now what’s all this about an oil field?

    aberjoe: Bookmarked? Oh, thank you. Nope, you don’t have to do a thing now. Just wait patiently for my replacement.

  65. 65 mike

    Wow. Well, glad to see you’re still with us. I’m thinking that this secret cult probably partied too hard over the holidays and got too hungover for anymore stealthy assassin games.
    .-= mike´s last blog ..Last Year’s Admirable Few =-.

  66. 66 JD

    mike: Yup, I’m still here. But for how long? Maybe the assassin/cult group takes a break for the holidays? Keep posted . . .

  1. 1 Twitted by CatLadyLarew

Subscribe

Subscribe by RSS Feeds


I Do Kindle


Read my blog on Kindle



Read a Random Thing





Categories









Blog Widget by LinkWithin