Cor dear, as Gordon Ramsay and other British people say.
I always knew it would happen some day, I just hoped it wouldn’t be so soon.
Yup. Your beloved JD has received a death threat. I’m sure it’s the first of many.
According to TV shows (by whose gospel I pretty much live my life), you shouldn’t call the cops or tell anyone.
But aren’t you always screaming at your TV: CALL THE COPS! TELL SOMEONE!”?
In that spirit, I’m sharing this death threat with you in its unaltered, original form:
—– Original Message —–From: workshopSent: Saturday, December 19, 2009 8:08 AMSubject: YOUR LIFE IN DANGER
Hey,My name withheld, I am emailing to you for very important information about your life. There is secret information that has a lot to do with your life. I came across this secret accidentally.There is a group of secret cult members mixed with assassins. They held a meeting on how to track your family; they planned on how to hit you first before any other person in your family. I have had a means to cover their meeting discussions on how to eliminate you, right now I have the tape and I know you would like to have this tape so that you can solve the problem before they take your life.I use to be one of them but now I decided not to allow you die this way for some reasons.I have the tape and you need not to report the case to police yet, we need to arrange on how you can get the tape immediately .If you report this case to police or any security service, mind you they will not spare your life and family reply me immediately……do not try to run because they are monitoring you I know the time they planned to hit you, you need to reply me immediately……you are closely monitored!!!
Shite! (as Irish people say)
Despite the casual, almost friendly salutation, this is pretty terrifying. And despite the terror, I’m a little flattered. They’re going to hit me before anyone else in my family? I’m being closely monitored? In the final moments of my life, at least I’ll feel special.
But in the meantime, I’m gobsmacked! (I’ve been watching a lot of Gordon Ramsay this week). Why would a group of cult members AND assassins (that’s a bad combo right there) want me dead? And why me before my family members? My brother’s eyesight is bad; he’ll never see them coming.
“Name Witheld,” who ARE you? Oh, yeah. “Workshop.” What a mundanely dastardly name! And how did you come across this secret information? Oh, yeah. You said. “Accidentally.”
I know what you’re thinking. Oh, JD! This is one of those popular e-mail hoaxes we’ve all heard about. Oh, yeah? Well, that’s what I thought.
So I Googled “Your Life Is At Risk” and came up with the following:
Nothing. Nothing about secret assassins and/or cult members.
Then I searched Snopes. Snopes lists EVERY scam available. Surely a few key words would reveal this all to be a hoax.
First I tried “death threat.”
There are a LOT of “death threat” scams out there. In fact, please don’t even click that link. But none of them described what I was dealing with.
Then I tried “your life in danger.”
So, the unavoidable conclusion is: This is a legitimate death threat. By the time you comment, I’ll probably be dead. But please comment anyway!
If you don’t, the terrorists win!
Bonus Terrifying Hoaxes!
- Are criminals in the U.S. using burundanga-soaked business cards to incapacitate their victims?
- In a word: no. In more words: There’s no such THING as “burundanga,” except for the awesome song by salsa queen Celia Cruz!
- Warning cautions that gangs are using bloody car seats to lure female motorists out of their vehicles as part of a “National Gang Week” activity.
- Gross! Also false.
- Do restroom hand dryers spread disease by blowing germs and bacteria around?
- You think this sounds terrifying? It is! Its status? UNDETERMINED!!!
Elmo came from here