This is the story of a laptop who died and the brave woman who struggled to find meaning in a life with no laptop.
(Hint: I am that brave woman. And the laptop who died? WAS MINE!)
(Yes, I refer to my laptop as a “who,” not a “what.”)
I believe it was the wise-beyond-her-years Cardiogirl who once said, “Trying to blog on a strange computer is like trying to take a crap in someone else’s bathroom.” Or she might’ve said “dump” instead of “crap.” Or she might not have said this at all, but someone did. And it’s true.
Turns out I cannot blog anywhere but on my laptop (who is not only a “who” but a “she”). I sat at my decrepit desktop computer (definitely an “it”), and the words just wouldn’t come. So I couldn’t blog. I couldn’t even read other blogs, because that decrepit desktop? Is really uncomfortable to sit at.
I couldn’t watch my beloved Hulu, listen to Mel Gibson’s mad rantings, or watch Lindsay Lohan beg for mercy. Because that decrepit desktop? Has no sound.
Why don’t you just put me in one of those sensory deprivation boxes and LET ME DIE???
Because I cannot die. I have things to do. So you don’t have to.
Like what, you ask? Well, when you don’t have a laptop, you watch a lot of TV. That’s just basic math. I believe the equation looks something like this:
no laptop = more TV
If that equation is too complicated, just move on.
TV comforted me and showed me many wondrous things.
- VH1′s Two-Hit Wonders reminded me how cute that guy in Jesus Jones used to be and how awesome that OTHER song by Fine Young Cannibals is.
- BBC’s Kitchen Nightmares taught me that Gordon Ramsey’s f-bombs get bleeped, but he can apparently call someone a “limp dick” with no repercussions.
- The Game Show Network has the “new” Newlywed Game! Sample question: “Men, if your wife was a car, and you had to follow the rule of putting your hands at 10 and 2 on a steering wheel, where would your hands be?” All men: “SIX!!!!!!!” (Really, “six”? I would’ve thought, like 9 and 3.)
But the most awesome TV experience had to be my discovery of On Demand. Oh, I knew you could watch movies via this magical channel named “1,” but I did NOT know I could catch up on Top Chef, rewatch old Mad Men episodes, or grind along to (head explodes) EXERCISE TV!!! With each click of the remote, a new and awesome choice revealed itself. Choices I felt compelled to scream at Dave every five seconds as he tried to work in the office.
“OHMYGOD you can watch Naked News!!!”
“OHMYGOD you can watch Styx! IN CONCERT! Wait. They only do one song. BUT IT’S ‘RENEGADE’!!!”
“OHMYGOD you can watch MTV’s True Life! And it’s the one about the porn industry!!!”
And it was all free! Well, except for Naked News.
- I also read. I slurped up the 2d and 3d books of Stieg Larsson’s trilogy like delicious melty ice cream.
- I contracted Humidity Sickness.
- I managed to get covered in tar (more on that later).
- I put up a new shower curtain and is it just me or is that the most horrible of tasks? The standing! The raised arms — aching for relief! The things that won’t poke through the little holes! Oh, my patience was tested that day, my friends.
But mostly I watched TV.
And now I’ve got some big decisions to make. Hulu’s Hell’s Kitchen? Or On Demand’s The Sperminator?
It’s going to be a busy day.
* * *
Can YOU write or be creative on a strange computer? Does anyone use pen and paper anymore? And what about Mel Gibson? Crazy? Racist? Misogynist? (Answer: ALL OF THE ABOVE.)
AND! Coming soon on I Do Things: “How to Get a Lot of Comments.” (It has something to do with leaving the same post up for three weeks.)
Dead computer came from here