Isn’t it time you took your appetite on a romantic protein getaway?
No? Well, maybe you and your appetite are having relationship problems. It happens. But the Beef Industry wants you and your appetite to get it on, protein-style, with a little help from the vocal stylings of Matthew McConaughey. I’m sorry to tell you it involves lying side-by-side—with your appetite—under sirloin skies.
Please, just listen to this and tell me if that doesn’t get your appetite AND libido revved up.
OK, if you listened to that and it got your appetite and libido revved up, you’re insane. If, however, your reaction was the same as mine: utter gross-outedness, squealing noises (not the good kind), and the desire to rub sandpaper over your ears, then you and your appetite are probably going to be just fine.
Beef. It’s what’s for . . . bedtime? I dunno. Why the sexification of beef? McConaughey sounds like he’s enjoying his beef just a little too much ifyouknowwhatimean. Do you? I’m sorry, that was gross. But it’s weirdly innappropriate, this relationship with beef. Can’t us meat lovers just eat a damn hamburger, without actually having to go to The Land of Beef and gaze at rump roasts floating through the sky?
Yes, folks, there is, apparently, a Land of Beef. Check out these print ads showing various beef landscapes. Beef mountains, beef plains, beef cliffs. Really? I don’t like the thought of eating meat that people have been hiking over in their muddy boots.
I do love my meat (not like that), but believe it or not, I was actually a vegetarian for six months. It all started when I realized that the rack of ribs I was serving to a customer was nothing more than a ribcage on a plate. Say that phrase to yourself. Doesn’t sound too appealing, does it? (Maybe if you say it in a Matthew McConaughey voice . . . nope, doesn’t help.) Anyway, from that point on, I couldn’t eat any kind of meat that looked like a body part. And then I just stopped eating meat entirely.
Do you know what is partially made of meat? Yes. Big Macs. Whoppers. Even Arby’s roast beef sandwiches are, I believe, at least meat-flavored. This was what I missed: junk food meat. And gradually, real meat followed, including, as the above photo illustrates, giant dripping hunks of bloody-rare prime rib.
So, yeah, I’m a meat-eater, but I’m certainly not militant about it. I believe there’s plenty of room on this planet for carnivores and herbivores. But in The Land of Beef, sadly, only carnivores need apply.
Why don’t you and your appetite make a humor getaway, instead?