How many times has this happened to you?
You’re at the airport, heading home after a wonderful vacation in a tropical land, when all of the sudden:
“FREEZE! DROP THE BAG! HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD! ON THE GROUND!”
I reckon if it’s happened at all, it’s only happened once. Because after this? You’re in a foreign prison for the rest of your life.
In other words, you are:
Locked! Up! Abroad!
I think we can all agree that being locked up is bad. But being Locked! Up! Abroad! is much, much worse. If you don’t believe me, you’d better start watching my new favorite show on the NatGeo channel:
(OK, the title doesn’t have all those exclamation points, but it should, because it’s just that awesome.)
Each episode features one of two scenarios:
- Hapless Western tourists are taken hostage in a foreign land
- Stupid Western tourists try to smuggle drugs from a foreign land
Scenario 1 is harrowing. Here are these innocent people who are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. They’ve done nothing wrong. They are truly victims.
But the people in Scenario 2? They are STUPID IDIOTS! They are lured by money and a vacation to STRAP illegal drugs onto their person (or sometimes INSERT illegal drugs into their person) and transport those drugs into another country.
The stories are the same. Bored Westerner wants adventure and money. Decides to travel to exotic locale. Meets up with shady character. Agrees to “carry a package.” Regrets decision but feels trapped. Sweats a lot. Has at least one opportunity to back out but blows it. Heads to the airport.
For maximum tension, they always make it past one checkpoint. Maybe they fool the drug dog or get through customs. But then comes the long arm of the law. No, I mean, literally, this long arm reaches from off-screen and nabs the would-be mule.
We’ve all watched that scene from Midnight Express. Is there anything more delightful than smugly sitting in your living room, knowing you have done and will do many, many stupid things in your life but nothing so stupid as this?
And now it’s time for the foreign prison scenes. It boggles my mind how people even survive one day of this, much less years. What would you do? I’d curl up in a corner and pretend I was dead. I simply couldn’t function. From what I’ve seen of prison movies, you have to act tough. I suck at acting tough. It’s hard to act tough when you’re trying to pretend you’re dead.
But these people survive. They serve their time and are eventually released. But their lives are never the same.
Drug traffickers must HATE this show!
Not Scared Straight Yet? Watch These!
- Brokedown Palace. Will Claire Danes take the fall so Kate Beckinsale can go free? WOULD YOU?
- Return to Paradise. Will Vince Vaughan go back to Thailand to reduce Joaquin Phoenix’s sentence? WOULD YOU?
- Oz. Will Beecher hold still for his butt tattoo? WOULD YOU?
If You Want to Avoid Being Locked! Up! Abroad!
- Don’t wear sunglasses through customs.
- If the soundtrack music suddenly turns into a rapidly increasing heartbeat, they’re on to you, man!
- Don’t get too cocky once you’ve passed through security. They’ll get you on the tarmac!
- Stop sweating! They’re on to you, man!
Everything is perfectly legal at Humor-Blogs.