I Won’t Do These Things

But I said no, no, no, no-no-no


It occurred to me the other day that I was going to have to address the inevitable issue of just what I Won’t Do. I’d hate to disappoint you somewhere down the line by refusing to do something you really had your heart set on me doing so you don’t have to. So! Here is a shortish list, which will hopefully set some much-needed boundaries in our future relationship:

  • I won’t fly without pills. You can’t make me! These pills were prescribed for me, and I need them. They keep me calm and happy, even while other passengers are bouncing off the ceiling during bad turbulence. I have nightmares about flying pill-less. Truthfully, I don’t think anything bad would happen if I forgot my pills. But I don’t want to find out. And neither does that screaming baby sitting behind me.
  • I won’t get another Brazilian wax. Yes, I’ve had one, and yes, you’ll hear all about it at some point. And, although it is incomprehensible to me that I even need to answer this question: YES! It hurts! A lot! Think about it. Ew, no—don’t think about me, think about some generic woman and her lady parts. Think about what is being done to those parts. Does it hurt? (angry muttering)
  • I won’t try Alli. You know Alli, it’s that new sensation in diet crazes. I’m no stranger to a crazy diet, but when the manufacturer has to warn me:

You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it’s probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work.

Dark pants???!!! Are you kidding me? I hope you don’t need me to spell this out for you. Gah.

  • I won’t eat raisins. Raisins are just wrong. They are grapes gone bad. What good can come of a raisin? They pop up everywhere they’re not supposed to—just when you think you’ve got a nice mouthful of delicious coffeecake, CHOMP, there’s a disgusting chewy raisin.
  • I won’t think Matt Damon is the Sexiest Man Alive . . . of any year. I know he is popular with the ladies and he kicked ass in the Bourne movies, but to me, he looks like a baby. A kind of homely baby. And while I’m on the subject, throw in Leonardo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck. Leo looks like a pretty little girl and Ben is your classic Frankenhead.
  • I won’t ride a rollercoaster or any other scary, unsafe carnival ride. Why are people such bullies about this sort of thing? Why don’t they get that feeling sick to my stomach and worrying about being flung into space isn’t really all that fun for me? Do they not notice that the operators of these rides are stoned out of their gourds? Leave me and my funnel cake in peace.
  • I won’t get sucked into watching Big Brother. Look, I watch enough embarrassing reality TV, but I draw the line at this mess. I swore I wasn’t going to watch Celebrity Apprentice, and now I’m totally rooting for Piers to kick Omarosa’s butt.
  • I won’t give spinning another try. It may be great exercise, but, speaking of lady parts, it hurts, plain and simple. People have told me that you get over the soreness, that you don’t feel it any more. What—am I developing a callous there? I don’t even want to think about that. Padded shorts you say? Get real.
  • I won’t eat either Vegemite or Marmite. Thanks to Jeff for doing that so nobody else has to.
  • I won’t sky-dive, scuba-dive, jump off a diving board—anything involving diving, I pretty much won’t do. There’s a reason God put my feet on the bottom and my head on top. They’re supposed to stay like that. God also made me a land creature, so you won’t find me in water that covers my head. It’s not natural.

OK. There’s more, but that’s enought for now. Please check back later this week, when I return to doing things so you don’t have to.

If YOU want to do some of these things:
  • Try yourself some Alli. But read this first (caution: contains hilarious swear words).
  • Get a Brazilian. Watch one being done here (no, they don’t show any lady parts).
  • Jump on a rollercoaster. But you’d better bone up on some stats.


There’s nothing the folks at humor-blogs won’t do.

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17 Responses to “I Won’t Do These Things”

  1. 1 windyridge

    I m so totally with you on the sexiest man alive, the carnival rides, the flying, Big Brother and the waxing! hehe
    What pills do you take? Care to share so I can get some?

    windyridge’s last blog post..Rubix Almost

  2. 2 Jeff

    It would have been fun to title my post, “I ate Vegemite and Marmite so you don’t have to” but I was afraid of being sued for copyright infringement.

    I don’t like spinning either because it makes me throw up. But I DO like raisins!

    Jeff’s last blog post..Marmite VS Vegemite – The Taste Test Challenge!

  3. 3 Jay

    I thought I was the only person that had a totally natural aversion to the completely unnatural act of diving. You get just as wet going in feet first, so why all the drama? I do like the wax though – on other people.

    Jay’s last blog post..What’s Next, Trigital?

  4. 4 Shieldmaiden96

    I’m with you on the diving. I spent the weekend working topside & safety lines in an ICE DIVING CLASS.
    Yes, they were teaching rescue people how to recover bodies. We cut a hole in a frozen lake with a chainsaw, and these wonderful people dove in the hole and swam around. I stood there watching them, holding the rope, and restraining my panic. Wearing a life vest in case the ice broke.

    Shieldmaiden96′s last blog post..Chapter Eleventy, In Which We Examine My Ongoing Battles With Gravity

  5. 5 Kathy

    I just read some of that Ride Accidents web site. I’ve seen enough. I’m pretty freaked out now. Earlier I read your link to the alli article. Just thinking about a Brazilian wax makes my eyes tear up. And now I think I hate raisins. Your “won’t do” list is now my “won’t do” list.

    p.s. It’s time to copyright your blog name. I’m completely serious. People have done it. You should do it so we don’t have to.

    Kathy’s last blog post..I Can See Clearly Now

  6. 6 JD

    Jeff: I really thought it sounded like an “I Do Things…” type of post. I don’t know that I’ve ever performed such a valuable public service myself, so you certainly have the rights to the as-yet trademarked phrase. FOR NOW!

    You mean to say raisins make you throw up, right???

    Windyridge: Funny you should ask. I just saw my hairdresser, and we were talking about our anti-anxiety medication. When I told her what I take, she said, “Ooh, can you give me some to try?” I very coldly said, “That’s not going to happen.” I’ll give you the shirt off my back, but stay away from my pills! (How about a nice box of raisins instead?)

    Jay: Hello, and welcome! Thank you! I knew I couldn’t be the only one who thought any type of diving was totally unnatural. And yes, the wax is perfectly acceptable–to those not on the receiving end.

    Shieldmaiden96: Thanks for stopping by! Yeah, I think just standing near a hole in the ice would be enough for me. Yikes. Those are some brave people. I’m starting to hyperventilate…

    Kathy! Oh, no! But you’re supposed to do these things so I don’t have to! Will you at least still think Matt Damon is the Sexiest Man of the Year? Please?

    I’m gonna look into the trademarking thing.

    JD’s last blog post..I Won’t Do These Things so you’re gonna have to do them yourselves

  7. 7 Sabrina

    I can safely say that could have easily been a list I wrote. This is spooky scary. Those “movie stars” are exactly how you described them, I don’t get the attraction. In fact, there’s a bit in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back in which they both (matt damon and ben affleck) are making fun of that first movie they did that was so famous..good will hunting. It’s hilarious and that’s exactly how I saw it, a bunch of goons being pretentious. LOL! We do have all the Bourne movies though, but just because the movies themselves are awesome. Who cares who is in it?

    You echo my thoughts. Wow.

    Definitely behind you on the trademarking idea – you’re a hot commodity!

  8. 8 LOBO

    Automatic Link! (If you don’t mind).



    LOBO’s last blog post..The Ominous Comma Code CRACKED!

  9. 9 Corrina

    Ok- HILARIOUS as usual… Now here are my two and a half cents…

    1.) A friend of mine was taking “alli” and she told me about the pants crapping “side-effect”. Evidently if you go even a smidge over your fat-for-the-day quota- you crap it out. Even if it’s not convenient to do so. No thanks. And ick.

    2.) How is that crazy woman on YouTube laughing while getting waxed? Having endured several of those myself… I was NOT laughing. Ever seen 40 Year Old Virgin? It was kind of like that but not as dramatic. Or funny.

    And finally… Raisins are GROSS, Matt Damon is “meh” and Big Brother is just stupid. HA!

    Corrina’s last blog post..You Make My Day!

  10. 10 cardiogirl

    Echoing the sentiments of the rest, it has crossed my mind most recently to say I almost had heat stroke so you don’t have to, but then I thought, NO. That belongs to JD.

    You’re makin’ waves, baby.

    And I was with you on the roller coaster issue at least 20 years ago. My husband is a thrill-seeker. Me, not so much. I die a little inside every time I have to watch him ride a coaster.

    Which, thankfully, hasn’t been for over a decade.

    cardiogirl’s last blog post..In which I sort of praise myself for being a good Mom but with a lot of disclaimers

  11. 11 JD

    Sabrina: I’m delighted and surprised not to have rotten fruit thrown at me for my Matt Damon views. It seems like most people I meet really think he’s sexy.

    I haven’t seen the Jay and Silent Bob movie, but it sounds worth renting for that scene! For the record, I do think Matt Damon is a good actor. This is based only on recent movies like The Good Shepherd, The Departed, and of course, BOURNE!

    LOBO: Hmm. OK, as long as you solve the mystery of Brent.

    Corrina: I know! I didn’t get the laughing. Tho I do laugh when I’m nervous, so maybe that was it. Still. R-I-I-I-I-P = Hahahahahahaha? Don’t quite get it.

    Yay! Another raisin hater!

    Cardiogirl: I totally relate to your willingness to suffer heat stroke under the circumstances. And since it was to prove to some total yet stupid stranger how much longer you can stay in a sauna, I think it would have been totally appropriate to use “so you don’t have to.” As long as I get full credit, of course! ;-D

    JD’s last blog post..I Won’t Do These Things so you’re gonna have to do them yourselves

  12. 12 Kali

    Wow, I am with you all the way on all of these. Especially the raisins. I hate it when you bite into something yummy and suddenly realize that it’s not a chocolate-chip in your mouth but a yucky raisin.

    My husband desperately wants to go skydiving. I told him that if he does, I better not find out about it.

    Kali’s last blog post..Katsucon 2008

  13. 13 JD

    Kali: Hey! Boy, I am so happy to find so many raisin haters out there. I hear you about that whole chocolate chip fakeout. Unfair!

    JD’s last blog post..I Won’t Do These Things so you’re gonna have to do them yourselves

  14. 14 Natural Woman

    lol, you don’t have to do any of these thing since you always do the stuff we don’t want to do, for that we thank you.

    i’ll eat the raisins and no, i don’t think matt damon is sexy at all.

    funny post, love your blog.

    Natural Woman’s last blog post..We’re Not In Kansas Anymore

  15. 15 JD

    Natural Woman: Thanks for volunteering to eat the raisins. No one else around here seems to want to. Thanks for the kind words!

    JD’s last blog post..I Make Your Day so you don’t have to

  16. 16 Regan

    I hate roller coasters. My friends are always saying its not scary, but I’ve never liked roller coasters…

    Hehe, I watch Big Brother. I love it. It’s one of those shows you watch to pretty much fill up your time. I still like it though. =)

  17. 17 Regan

    Oh, and at play practice one time I had a box of raisins. I ate a few, then tried dumping the rest on a piece of paper. They stuck in the box.

    After me and my friend tried pounding the box against the floor, chair, etc., we still couldn’t get them out. It was pretty weird.


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