Wow! It’s time for . . .
10 Mysterious Christmas Facts about JD!
- I once “ruined Christmas” by finding an unwrapped Crissy doll in my mom’s closet. Crissy dolls had hair that you could make longer by pulling it out through a hole in the skull. I pulled a little too hard.
- I don’t like A Christmas Story.
- I don’t like Crissy dolls.
- Although I can’t remember the year I learned there was no Santa Claus or even how I felt about it, I do recall with frightening clarity the exact moment I discovered that the Partridge Family didn’t all do their own singing. Devastating. “I MUST sleep over at Marcia’s!” I dramatically proclaimed to my mom.
- My favorite gifts are cash and, apparently, foreign cake:
Is that only 5? Well, look, y’all, this is my busy season. I’ve been donning the halls, walking in a winter wonderland, asking people, “Do you hear what I hear? (the voices . . . THE VOICES!), going to a birthday party at the home of Farmer Gray (it really was the perfect ending to a perfect day), eating figgy pudding (thanks, HEATHER!), checking my list . . . oh, wait, that’s Santa.
My point is, this is no time to be ungrateful. Lookit all I’ve done for you over the years!
Since July 2007, your JD gave to you:
11 lawsuits pending
9 rock star bulges
8 meaty prime ribs
7 hairy inches (EW!)
6 cookies baking
5 VI-CO-DINS! (X 5,000)
4 cat puke hash browns
3 Bumpits bumping
2 sardines stinking
And a JD on a nude beach!!!
Merry Christmas, everyone!