I Will Pimp My Snack
Published by JD May 4th, 2008 in , I Eat Stuff.Roll in the Benz with me, you could watch TV
From the backseat of my V, I’m a P-I-M-P
(NSFW or my mom)
So you never truly believed that my I Do Things services extended to pimping, did you? Well, buster, when it involves food, you’d best believe I will pimp a snack upside the head if need be. Whatever that means.
Really, it all started with the Pimp That Snack site, which used to be called the far superior Pimp My Snack until legal issues forced a change. And I’d love to provide a direct link, but the annoying music on the opening page would kill your appetite, which you’re gonna need.
Oooh, it’s a ginormous “faerie” cake, which is what British people call cupcakes. (They also call Christmas lights “faerie lights.” Aren’t British people whimsical? I bet they make terrible pimps). Anyway, the idea is to take a small, ordinary snack and turn it into a ridiculously exaggerated version that can, according to the Faerie Cake Pimp: “fead 15 people.” (Yo, it’s hard out there for a pimp—they can’t be worried about spelling, especially when they’re baking faerie cakes!)
Well, sir, I am not 15 people and frankly the last thing I need in my house is a cupcake the size of a washing machine, but a few weeks ago, I had the urge to trick out an everyday snacklet into something a little more special.
Unfortunately, I got this idea on a Saturday, when Dave was home. During the week, I can get away with all kinds of food craziness, but on weekends I have to sneak around. Dave already found my secret Cap’n Crunch stash; I didn’t want him to know that I hide candy in the closet.
Dave! Stop reading!
Materials
A good pound cake needs no embellishment, but this was not a particularly good pound cake.
O
The perfect embellishment: caramel-filled Hershey Kisses, and lots of them.
O
Step 1
Melt Kisses in microwave. I recommend unwrapping them first, which is tiresome but results in a smoother texture.
Step 2
Spread mixture on pound cake. Eat in bathroom so Dave doesn’t find out how pathetic I am.
Results
Hmmm. Surprisingly not that pimpalicious. Maybe I should’ve used regular Hershey Kisses. Maybe I’m just not pimp material. Maybe the bathroom doesn’t provide the best ambience to enjoy a pimped snack.
Maybe next time I’ll just buy cake that’s already frosted.
If you want to Pimp Something:
-
Pimp Your Name! I was very disappointed to learn that my pimp name is Trick Magnet Julia Clinton, which . . . what? That doesn’t sound very pimpy. You can call me Cakey J.
* * *
They’re always pimping something at humor blogs, yo.
whimsical? me? Nahhhhh! What about ‘Hershey Kisses’? What exactly is a Hershey and would I really want to be Kissed by one?
My pimped name: Professor Truth B. Trump
babs (beetle)’s last blog post..Nauseating aromas
oooh, that’s some snack. i can do one or the other, but not both together. you’ve got guts…..
yeah the cake that’s already frosted. you’re making me hungry for snacks. pimp a rice cake.
Natural’s last blog post..Everything You Always Wanted to Know About WordPress (But Were Afraid to Ask)
Hah! Eating in the bathroom… I can relate. Right now I am snacking IN THE OPEN as daughter is working and hubby is napping.
Ah, the freedom!
Glad to see you unwrapped those kisses first. Otherwise, it may have been a tad chewy.
Great. Sure. This is what I need. I don’t know how I got to be so old and didn’t think to melt Hershey’s kisses, the caramel kind no less! This is sheer brilliance, I hope you know.
p.s. There’s a reason it’s called pound cake. Just saying.
p.p.s. Hidden candy goes in the car, not the pantry. But only in cooler months, if you have food that can melt or become soggy. Yes. I’m a professional food hider. Is that bad?
Kathy’s last blog post..I Married a Movie Star
Hmmm I’m not sure I would want that particular snack in the bathroom. I mean it could be a little reminiscent of something…
Gizmo’s last blog post..Walk While You Work
Master Pimp T. Flow in the house!
You definitely want to unwrap those babies, or you will be producing “faerie” tinsel in a few hours.
Tim’s last blog post..Hit Me With Your Best Shot - I Can Take It
Devious Honey Gartner Glide (that is the worse pimp name ever) it sound like sex lube???
SO why are you eating in the bathroom, because your people roll off with yo snak or sumpting???
I don’t get it?
Michelle Gartner’s last blog post..Vintage Video of the Day: Mr. Rogers Was a Marine Sniper…
Cakey J. - Looks like a nice snack. I’d make it after school if I had the ‘correct materials’. Oh well. I’ll make something else really awesome and pimpilicious then tell you if it tastes good.
I was at a place where they sold candles yesterday, they had like 3 apple ones. That green apple, that red apple, and apple pie. (yum)
babs (beetle): Your pimp name is sho ’nuff pretty awesome. That does take the “whimsical” right out of the equation.
Hershey (or “Hershey’s) Kisses are absolutely essential to all cultures! How are you living without them? They are delectable chocolates in the shape of NIPPLES wrapped in foil and eaten in huge quantities by Americans. Order some today!
Natural: Yes, it takes guts to unwrap all those Kisses in a sneaky fashion. It would take WAY more guts than I have to try to pimp a rice cake and make it taste good.
Maureen: I envy your freedom! I’m glad to see I’m not the only one to appreciate the joy of guilt-free, non-hiding snacking.
Kathy: Well, you know I am older than you, and it only just occurred to me. It is pretty brilliant, isn’t it?
Oh, the car! But that’s so far away. Plus I have to park outside, where deadly sun rays can kill delicate chocolate. Regardless, after this post I have to come up with a better hiding place. As a fellow professional food hider (no, it’s not bad), I’m always suspicious.
Gizmo: Don’t think I didn’t consider that. I was actually hoping the association might keep me from stuffing the whole thing in my mouth, but no such luck.
Master Pimp T. Flow: Yo! Do you speak from experience when it comes to faerie tinsel? I’m intrigued . . .
Michelle Gartner: I have to agree: your pimp name is the worst I’ve heard so far . . . OK, ever. “Glide”? But, hey, you can talk the talk, at least. The bathroom eating is to keep my peeps (aka husband) from knowing what a pig I am. Except now he knows. Such are the downfalls of blogging . . . for a pimp.
Regan: Woo! Thanks for the respect, yo. I thought it was a pretty good snack—maybe a little too much work for the lazy snacker. I’d love to hear about any snacks you create—good or bad.
(And did those three apple candles each smell different?)
Its a lot less trouble to pimp pound cake with Nutella.
Or to just eat Nutella out of the jar while making small noises of pleasure.
Shieldmaiden96’s last blog post..The Catskills: Where No One Has ‘Gone’ Before
Professor Truth McCardle Shizzle here. I’m not 100% sure that we even have them here in Canada but I would say that if you are going to pimp your snacks, you’ll wanna start with a ‘Ho-Ho’ Base. No?
Oh and yo’ - eatin’ in the john is way wack fo’ sure. You need to be rollin’ is the kizzle with that fly sammy. represent aa-ight! etc …
I just saw a Food Channel program on dough-covered, fried candy bars and Twinkies. Pimp-a-licious! (That’s not to be confused with pimple-a-licious, although both probably apply.)
Carla @ WordPlay’s last blog post..Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms Who Blog
Well, one I invented a while ago is a cold pie. You will need Cool Whip, two packs of chocolate pudding, and a box of Nilla Wafers. First the Cool Whip should be thawed. Then, put it in a smallish tray-thing. Spread it out so it covers the bottom and is somewhat smooth. Next, you must mix the pudding packets. Put a crushed up layer of Nilla Wafers on the cool whip. Put a layer of pudding on that. Then more crushed up nilla wafers. Finally a final layer of pudding. Enjoy! Serves 3-4 hungry people, 20-25 people who care about their weight, 10-20 people who are’t hungry but want to eat anyway.
I’m not that picky - I’ll take what you don’t eat of your pimped out pound cake.
Alice’s last blog post..Nachos…? THIS IS SPARTAAAA
My pimpified name is much better than yours:
Tricktickler S. Kicks
What if you poured the melted kisses onto cookies instead of pound cake? Is there such a thing as Oreo nachos? It IS Cinco de Mayo, after all.
Susan’s last blog post..I Hear Voices
Shieldmaiden: Oh, yeah: NUTELLA! Much easier. I was going to say I forbid Nutella in my house, but then why are there so many Hershey Kisses? Nutella on waffles—that’s what brings on the small noises of pleasure for me.
Canucklehead: Man, I shoulda had you write this post. Your pimp name AND pimpspeak is so far superior to my lowly skillz. And you’re absolutely correct, sir, about the Ho-Ho base. I had to make do with the materials on hand, but next time, I promise you: a pimped-out Ho-Ho extravaganza.
Carla @ WordPlay: “Pimple-a-licious,” indeed! That’s actually a much more apt phrase when talking about deep-fried Twinkies (which I’ve never had and would LOVE to try) and melted Hershey Kiss frosting. Mmm . . . The Food Channel always makes me hungry.
Regan: Holy cow, that sounds GOOD! I will definitely make that. Anything that easy and no-bake is right up my dessert alley. Thanks for the idea. (I’m pretty sure my cold pie scenario will involve only one hungry person who cares about her weight but wants pie now!)
Alice: You’re on! Um . . . it’s still in the bathroom, is that OK?
Susan: Your pimp name is WAY better than mine. Why is mine so crappy? Does it bear even the slightest resemblance to your real name? Oreo nachos? Are you the Einstein of desserts or something?
LMAO! Yes, that is my pimp name. I’m having cards and a t-shirt made immediately.
I don’t really know what to say about the pound cake thing, but it scared me a little. Keep it up though- it was fun to see!
Pimptastic Corrina Wicked’s last blog post..When Collagen Attacks
You can call me “Fine Ass J. Smooth”.
Hey, don’t blame me… that pimp name generator came up with it.
I forgot to pimp my name until just now. I love it!
Sincerely,
Fine Ass K. Glide
Kathy’s last blog post..I Married a Movie Star
Hey, Jeff can’t be a Fine Ass if I’m a Fine Ass. I think we need an ass-off and a judge.
Kathy’s last blog post..I Married a Movie Star
Okay, you killed a piece of perfectly good pound cake. I JUST know you can do better — try again.
I am now pimped out as “Dopetastic C. Flow”!! What a funny site.
Kathy - So the pimp name generator knows a fine ass when it sees one. Who are we to argue?
Pimptastic Corrina Wicked: Oh, that is totally awesome! How come everyone gets a better pimp name than me?
Pound cake can be scary. I’m still working on this whole pimp my snack thing, so keep checking back.
Jeff: Does that mean I can’t call you “Fine Smooth Ass” anymore? Hmmmph.
Kathy: Yours sounds a little porny. But I think there’s room for a male Fine Ass and female Fine Ass, right? This is sounding even more porny. Regardless, I’m all for holding an ass-off. Shall we say the Ponderosa Sun Club?
Carol All right—I’m determined to come up with the most dopetastic pimp ever. Y’ALL WAIT AND SEE!
Cup-cakin’ ain’t easy, but it sure is fun. I need someone to pimp my pimp; he’s just so plain and bland and he’s only got two ho’s. It’s just sad.
Ernie’s last blog post..A Brand New Champion
Whoa that snack looks pretty bad ass in the calorie department
I’m from Britain and I can assure you our pimps are most awesome, they roll in smoking jackets and often say things like “bitch yo’ be getting me a cup o’ yorkshire tea now!”
I’m joking, most our pimps are not even British nationals, see we are far too whimsical for that
Nice post though, I am now thinking about how I can pimp other snacks, including the flapjack in my desk draw.
I was the one person who cares about her weight, but ate the whole Cool Whip Chocolate Pudding Nilla Wafer Cold Pie thing. It is really good, and I’m not saying that just because I’m Regan’s mother.
BTW, love the pimp name site. I haven’t decided what my pimpilicious name will be. I couldn’t stop at just one, kind of like snacks….mmmm, snacks….
J.D your Pimped Snack could use a little more Bling!! Where’s the edible gold leaf and the silver luster dust!
Cindy Lietz, The Polymer Clay Girl’s last blog post..More Ideas for Polymer Clay Plastic Storage Boxes
Ernie: Two ho’s? That is sad. What’s his pimp name? If it’s as lame as mine, it’s no wonder.
Hank! Hello, and welcome. Thanks for clearing things up about British pimps—a culture I’d always wondered about. Now, about that flapjack in your desk. Are you actually pouring syrup into the drawer?
Ann of the Shampoo Bag: HA! I believe you. How can you go wrong with pudding, Cool Whip, and Nilla Wafers? Regan has obviously inherited her mother’s and aunt’s excellent taste in calorie-laden desserts. Let us know your pimp name when you pick it out!
Cindy: And you’re just the person to embellish my snack with friffery and snazzles and bric-a-brac, right? I’d love to see one of your pimped-out creations!
Hey Cakey J … yes, you are pathetic and I’m pretty sure Dave already knows it, BUT … great post on a still-greater blog. No pimping necessary. Now pass what’s left of them kisses, ‘k? I’ll try to remember the unwrapping part …
jennypenny’s last blog post..Congratulations, Erica!
I just had to go back and find out my pimp name:
D. Magical Maureen Squeeze
Good thing I didn’t get anything with “Ass” in it. I’d hate to kick Kathy AND Jeff’s asses in an “Ass-Off”.
jennypenny: You’re right: even if Dave didn’t read this post, he knows how pathetic I am. Oh, well. Thanks so much for your kind words—they are very much appreciated. I ate all the caramel Kisses, but I have a bunch of dark truffle ones. Here they come!
Maureen: Yes, let’s leave the “Ass” monikers to Jeff and Kathy, shall we? I wish the pimp name generator would just leave out the regular name; “D. Magical Squeeze” sounds awesome!
Thanks for coming back to let us know your pimp name!
Well my pimp name beats ALL of yours.
Pimptastic Lear Skillz
It even says I’m pimtastic!!
Regan: I should’ve thought to make this a contest: You’d be the winner!
JD- I’ve decided on this pimptastical name…..Funk Master A. Quick. FunkMaster A. for short. It dovetails nicely with my anthem song, “Play That Funky Music”.