I Will Make a Match

Look through your book,
And make me a perfect match

match

This is the first of the “I Do Things By Request” series.

Recently Jen from Redhead Ranting made a humble request of I Do Things:

Would you find me a worthy date on Match.com? I’m already a member but am far too lazy to peruse all the different profiles. I’m also not too good at picking out men as you might have noticed.

Oh, YES! Never mind that it’s been over 20 years since my man-hunting days. I have long been intrigued by Match.com. If I were to find myself Suddenly Single, I’d have no qualms about going online and finding me a rich sugar daddy.

According to the ads, people who use Match.com are all young and good-looking, with user names like “CuteBritChick,” who say quirky things like “Mowing the lawn is therapeutic.”

You know who would be great in a Match.com commercial? Jen. She’s gorgeous, bright, and witty. Her quote would be “I like money.” Isn’t that refreshing?

Now, it’s easy to make fun of online dating services like Match.com, but I know two people who found a match online and they’ve been with their respective partner for over 5 years. So this stuff does work. I just have to make it work for Jen.

There are a LOT of men on Match.com. May I take a quick moment to offer some advice? Men, if you don’t post a photo, you’re automatically disqualified. Other grounds for disqualification include quoting Winnie the Pooh and listing “butt” as your best feature. Please don’t call yourself “amazingly handsome” unless you are really, really amazingly handsome. And I’m just not sure that “Lesbian stuck in a man’s body” is the best tagline.

Let’s see what kind of man I can get for Jen with the following profile (based on her likes and dislikes):

About Me and Who I’m Looking For:
  • I am: a real redhead. No, you may not check to see if the drapes match the carpet.
  • I am not: a passive wimp. I tend to speak my mind and am able to do so with wit and intelligence. I’d like someone who can keep up with me intellectually.
  • I like: money. I’m not going to lie. I’ve been without money enough to know that life is easier with it. I work hard and appreciate a similar work ethic in a partner.
  • I don’t like: working out every day. If you do, please look for someone more compatible.
  • My beliefs: I’m more conservative than liberal. I do have a liberal attitude toward many social issues, but I am incredibly fiscally conservative. I love my country. If you’ve burned any flags lately, please look elsewhere.
  • You are: A man, not a kid. It’s cool if you have kids, but please be an adult. Preferably a somewhat “manly man.” The image of a lumberjack comes to mind. An intelligent lumberjack.
  • You are not: married, living with your Mom, or living with your ex.
  • You have: a job that pays reasonably well. Independently wealthy is perfectly acceptable.
  • Your hair: is not a mullet, a comb-over, or longer than mine (and mine is past my shoulders). Otherwise, anything goes. Except redheads. They creep me out. Hypocritical? Maybe, but I don’t want to feel like I’m dating my brother.
  • You like: good conversation, good people, and good hygiene.
  • You don’t like: NASCAR, taking advantage of others, lying.
  • We are: not the same height. I am fairly short, so please be at least 5’10”.
  • We are: not the same weight. My weight is perfectly appropriate for my height. That’s all you need to know about that. Trust me: If you weigh less than me, you shouldn’t even be alive.
  • We are: not fighting for mirror space. And I don’t spend all day in front of a mirror, either. Take a shower, wash your hair, brush your teeth, and go. Skip the cologne. If you’re clean, you don’t need it.
  • We are: on equal ground. I’ve been through some tough times, and maybe you have, too. But I don’t expect anyone to try to fix me, and I’m not looking for someone to fix.

I’m far from being a helpless princess in a tower, but if you’re a self-confident knight in somewhat shining armor who can wash his own clothes and maybe even cook a little, I wouldn’t mind if you came along on your white horse to whisk me away.

_________________

Cross your fingers for Jen! And please check her blog for updates—and possibly a WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT!



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49 Comments


49 Responses to “I Will Make a Match”

  1. 1 Regan

    I love it! It’s really funny, so who does’t like that? *crosses fingers* Good luck out there, Jen!

    I also have a suggestion, not a very good one, but still a suggestion. I would like to speak my mind for a day. Like, tell those really annoying people who I don’t like that I don’t like them and that they are really annoying. But I’m 12, so I’d get in lots of trouble. Could you speak your mind for a day so I don’t have to?

    Regan’s last blog post..Girl Scout Cookies

  2. 2 absepa

    Ooh, this is fun! Hopefully Jen will have good luck, with your awesome assistance, of course. I know several people who have found lasting relationships on eHarmony and match.com, so they must be doing something right. I’m looking forward to the rest of the “by request” series!

    absepa’s last blog post..Do You Have a "Movie Moment"?

  3. 3 babs - beetle

    Oh that’s good! It just about says it how it should be :O)

    I haven’t forgotten my request you know. I await it with bated breath ;O)

    babs – beetle’s last blog post..Going back in time – part 1

  4. 4 Jen

    The profile is up on Match.com!

  5. 5 Daisy the Curly Cat

    Good luck, Jen!

    Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..Photo Hunters: Yellow

  6. 6 Stephanie Barr

    Woohoo! Let me know how it goes and I’ll give her and her new beau a Tarot reading.

    Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..Hard-Hearted Hanna

  7. 7 Juliet

    I love that profile! Hilarious and honest all at the same time. Perfect! Good luck, Jen.

    Juliet’s last blog post..This Just In…

  8. 8 Tiggy

    It’s a heck of a wish-list, but good luck!

    And if this perfect guy has a brother, please let us know…

    Tiggy’s last blog post..Tiggy’s Hit Parade – Hot Muffins with Country Church

  9. 9 Puglette

    ooohhh what fun! good luck to you, jen. i will tell you something that we don’t tell many people…hubby and i met through personal ads. we have been together for 17 years! you can do this!

    jd, let us know your progress.
    hugs,
    puglette
    :o)

    Puglette’s last blog post..Warmest Wishes

  10. 10 Kathy

    I think it’s obvious that you need to provide this service to others on match sites. You could write a description that’ll actually get people hooked up!

    Winnie-the-Pooh guy scares me more than the Lesbian stuck in a man’s body. And, Jen, you must let us know what comes of this! If you find The One you get to tell everyone JD brought you together!

    Kathy’s last blog post..Delurkify Yourself

  11. 11 flit

    you’re so good…I can’t wait to see how it all plays out…do you get to vet the possibilities?

  12. 12 Florida Girl In Sydney

    Awesome profile for match.com– my hubby used to work for one of the companies owned by the same company that owns match.com — and it seems like a great place to meet someone– I think he told me once there were just tons and tons of people who met and married from there.

    Florida Girl In Sydney’s last blog post..Little boxes on the Hillside, Little boxes made of Tickytacky

  13. 13 Florida Girl In Sydney

    I just left a long comment, but it’s not showing up??

    Florida Girl In Sydney’s last blog post..Little boxes on the Hillside, Little boxes made of Tickytacky

  14. 14 Florida Girl In Sydney

    Um, okay what I originally said was– awesome job with the match.com profile! MY hubby used to work for one of the companies owned by the same parent company as match.com (did that even make sense?) and he said lots and lots of people met and eventually married who met on the site.

    Florida Girl In Sydney’s last blog post..Little boxes on the Hillside, Little boxes made of Tickytacky

  15. 15 seafoodpunch

    Let me tell you a story. My roommate (not the one i want to strange…but just the one i want to slap to his senses) put an ad out on eharmony…and is now engaged to a russian lady, living in Oklahoma after having met her in person 4 months ago. He lives in california, as do i. So…apparently there is something to a computer finding your true soulmate. Of course the last time he did something like this…the chick ran off with what little money he had…so we’ll see what happens this time!!

    GOD. I need my own place…

    seafoodpunch’s last blog post..Lettuce Sleep Well

  16. 16 Lola

    Excellent profile! If this works out you should consider writing profiles professionally. What am I saying? I should look into doing that. I’m quite good at it and I could use the money!

    I found Anastasia on planetout.com. It’s like a gay only match.com. And I did get quite a few dates during my single days from match.com. Anastasia and I will be together 5 years in May. I’ll be doing a post or series of posts about how we met around our anniversary.

    Lola’s last blog post..Thank You! And an Update

  17. 17 JD

    Regan: Yeah! Everyone likes funny! Oh, boy, would I love to speak your mind for a day. Just give me a list of your complaints.

    absepa: Jen has already gotten a couple nibbles, but I suspect it’s more that picture of her and her glorious red hair than anything else!

    babs – beetle: I haven’t forgotten either. You’re next on my list!

    Jen: YAY!!!

    Daisy the Curly Cat: Thank you for chiming in, Daisy!

    Stephanie Barr: YES! That would be awesome!

    Juliet: I can’t take full credit for the profile. Most of that came straight from Jen.

    Tiggy: Are you up for a double date with Jen and Mystery Man (and Mystery Man’s brother)? Is Minnesota too far for you?

    Puglette: Thanks for sharing that! My brother and his lovely girlfriend whom we all LOVE met online, as did a good friend of mine. Both couples are still going strong.

    Kathy: I wish I could take credit for the whole profile, but Jen came up with the best parts. And yeah, if this works, contact me, people!

    flit: Oh, yes, I’m vetting. So far no one very promising, but it’s early. Go, Jen!

    Florida Girl In Sydney: (Oh, I hate that). Yay! I believe it. These online sites have a kind of stigma attached to them, which is unfair. When you think about it, it’s really a great setup. Yeah, you have to do some weeding, but hopefully it’s worth the work.

    seafoodpunch: Wow. You’d better provide updates of your own. That sounds intriguing. Tell him to hide his wallet.

    Lola: I think there’s definitely a need for profile writers (tho, again, I have to credit Jen for most of the profile info). Actually, you should write profiles for some of the men out there. THEY NEED HELP! That’s so cool that you and Anastasia met online. My anniversary is in May, too. HAPPY ALMOST-ANNIVERSARY!

  18. 18 Regan

    You know those really annoying people who can’t seem to shut up, so you just sit there and not paying any attention, but you actually wish to just tell them to SHUT UP already? For once, I’d like to actually tell them to shut up.

    Or those fast food people who can’t get your order right. Some people might just walk away like it is. I want to just say ‘Hey, you screwed up my order. Fix. It. Now.’

    Or those people who stand right in the middle of the aisle at grocery stores. Instead of just saying excuse me and trying to slip through, ‘Hey, your not the only one in the store! Move to the side!’ (Because you know you think it every time :D)

    And many other things I’d just like to speak my mind about for a day, but since I’m 12 no one will take me seriously and will write it off as some teenager mood swing.

    Regan’s last blog post..Girl Scout Cookies

  19. 19 Prefers Her Fantasy Life

    Can I be next?

    Prefers Her Fantasy Life’s last blog post..Another Damn Thing To Make Me Feel Old

  20. 20 Lin

    Geesh, I cannot even imagine what she’ll find out there. Winnie the Pooh….really? I wish her the best. I’ll be anxious to hear what treasures she’ll find on her journey. I’m sure there are blogging tales galore in that one!!

    Lin’s last blog post..Making a break for it

  21. 21 Kevin

    May I suggest going to Canada to find a lumberjack. Also, try the year 1885.

    True, you are limiting yourself somewhat by doing that, restricting yourself to late 19th century Canadians. But anything less would be “settling.”

    Kevin’s last blog post..Meat (and Potatoes!)

  22. 22 Grace

    If the men are honest (stop laughing) the right guy will respond to that excellent profile.

    Grace’s last blog post..Deja Vu All Over Again

  23. 23 Jen

    So far we have had a couple of handfuls of hilarity. First and foremost if they don’t have a picture they aren’t even considered. Sorry, fair is fair. Second, if they use their work badge for the picture it kinda says something about them. Specifically that they probably have SMTWThFS pocket protectors. One guy, who was way over the age limit, like grandfather over the age limit, and not all that hot went on and on about how women lied about their weight. Dumba$$.

    One guy, whom I normally would flock to because he has a Harley and his picture included puppies, had spelling issues. Women=wimmen and that was only the beginning. JD deleted him and made me promise her that I would not contact this person ever.

    Jen’s last blog post..I Need a Man

  24. 24 JD

    Regan: Hey, I take you seriously. All those things bug me too. Especially fast food mistakes. I recently asked for a hamburger with lettuce, tomato, ketchup, and mayo, and got ketchup, mustard, and pickle. WHAT?

    Florida Girl In Sydney: Is this your missing post? For some reason, Akismet thought it was spammish. I left it up JUST to make your point again that online dating CAN and DOES work!

    Prefers Her Fantasy Life: Send me your CV!

    Lin: Well, that’s what we were hoping for. Goal #1: a nice, decent man. Goal #2: blogging fodder for both of us!

    Kevin: If time travel is necessary, I’m sure Jen will be up for it. And I know she doesn’t want to settle.

    Grace: I know he’s out there. Somewhere among the lesbians trapped in men’s bodies.

    Jen: The work badge picture kills me. As do all the self-photographs. It makes me wonder if they have friends or family who might take a picture of them once in a while. Jen, I’ll repeat it if I have to: Stay away from the puppies. DON’T be taken in by the puppies!

  25. 25 The Hawg!

    Every time I see a reference to Match.com or anything else about dating, I’m reminded how great it is to be married.

    No more dating for The Hawg. Oh, yeah…

    The Hawg!’s last blog post..Is the Arkansas tax code archaic or draconian?

  26. 26 Swedishskier

    Some red flags when online dating:
    1. The phrase “I’m not a loser…” anywhere, anytime. If you’re not, you don’t need to say it.
    2. “I’m a great guy” See #1.
    3. Pictures of his car in his profile, especially if his car is a Firebird or a Hummer
    4. Back handed and ignorant sounding comments in first messages, i.e. “I can’t believe you’re as smart as me.”
    5. Comments where he openly reveals how insecure he is. “I’m sure you probably won’t be interested in me but…” “I hate how nice guys always finish last.” etc.
    6. Bringing up an ex in first messages, “My ex wife ruined my life but I’m ready to let that go.” Really?
    Best of luck! Definitely good fodder for blogging!

    Swedishskier’s last blog post..Friday Quotes!

  27. 27 Natural

    well dang, jen, call me. 555-1212. uh i’m kidding. i swing from a vine, not from a bush.

    hey JD that was good. the carpet matching the drapes. lol.

    surely someone has to be beating her email door down after this write-up.

    i’ll have to remember to go check her blog and see how it works out.

    Natural’s last blog post..E is for Episode

  28. 28 why?

    Good Luck to you Jen, this could be a very interesting ride. Can’t wait to watch this one play out.

    why?’s last blog post..Another Interesting Tattoo

  29. 29 absepa

    JD, I think it’s awesome that you booted one of the prospects for bad spelling! “Wimmen”? Really? That’s pretty awful.

    absepa’s last blog post..Do You Have a "Movie Moment"?

  30. 30 Tim

    “going to Canada to find a lumberjack” – what?
    You know you guys have trees down there too :) If what you want is a big sweaty lumberjack, try Montana or Washington.
    Funny thing is, I used to cut down trees for a living, and I am in Canada, but I’m married and I’m only 5′ 8.5″. Guess I’m out of the running.
    The modern day equivalent to lumberjack is construction worker. These days, many of them make quite a bit of money and are smart enough to figure out computerized heavy equipment. I have no idea if they use Match.com tho.

    Tim’s last blog post..Deskercise To Burn Off Those Greasy Pepperoni Snacks

  31. 31 Jenn Thorson

    I’m certainly rooting Jen– and you– on.

    I tried one of those online dating sites once and the whole process made me so miserable I decided I probably should work on cultivating some innovative Eccentric Old Lady niche now, so I have it for when I need it.

    Nothing like getting an early start!

    Maybe I’ll collect those lawn ornaments shaped like geese you can dress, and make them my own special “goose couture.” :)

    Jenn Thorson’s last blog post..The Day I Hydroplaned Without a Car

  32. 32 Thermal Labels

    This was a great idea, and good luck to Jen! JD it sounds like you’re good at this, maybe you really should offer this service to the lazy/busy match-seeking people of the internet. I’m sure there are lots of great people who are just too busy to browse through all the options on Match.com and similar sites. -Carla

  33. 33 dcr

    Did you at least sign Jen up through my affiliate link? I like money too. ;-)

    You should put up your own profile. And one for Dave. See if you get matched. ;-)

    dcr’s last blog post..Happy Third Day of Spring

  34. 34 Mama Needs a Cosmo

    Damn! Too bad she’s looking for a male. I’m in need of a good wife. My husband just isn’t cutting it anymore.

  35. 35 JD

    The Hawg!: Yeah, both my husband and I look at each other and say how grateful we are not to have to go thru that. Not exactly declarations of love, but it works.

    Swedishskier: Those are all awesome red flags (and I believe I saw a few of those in some of the profiles). “I’m a great guy . . . no, really—ask my ex!”

    Natural: Yes, we all have to send positive vibes Jen’s way. Feel free to search around on match.com to see if you find anyone worthy.

    why?: Should be interesting!

    absepa: There are plenty of misspellings throughout these profiles, but the really egregious ones—like “wimmin”—are just straight rejects.

    Tim: Ooh, good idea. Jen, how do you feel about a hunky construction worker?

    Thermal Labels: Hee! I don’t know. We’ll see how this one works out. If I can find a man for Jen, who knows. I may change careers.

    Mama Needs a Cosmo: Well, there IS a section on “Women looking for Women.” Try your luck!

    Jenn Thorson: There you go! You know, my mom makes her own cloth geese and sews clothes for them. Just so you know you’re not alone.

    dcr: Your affiliate link? No! I didn’t know you had one. Jen signed up a while ago, on her own. But if I ever decide to sign up (withOUT Dave!), I’ll go thu your site.

  36. 36 Musing

    Best of luck to Jen!

    And JD you may have just found another career. :)

    Musing’s last blog post..Let’s see how many times I can use the word "three" in a post

  37. 37 Bearpaw Boots

    I love your list, funny yet true at the same time

  38. 38 Jay

    “I am fairly short, so please be at least 5?10”.”

    That’s the bit that made me laugh out loud! ‘Please be at least 5’10″‘ I mean, what the heck is the poor sap who is five nine and a half supposed to DO about that? ROFL!

    And I’ve never heard the expression ‘the drapes match the carpet’ but somehow I know exactly what you mean.

    That was really funny – good luck, Jen!

  39. 39 Wren

    Ok, so this is unrelated to this post, but your cat icon/button is adorable.

    Wren’s last blog post..The Save-Big Shopping Secret

  40. 40 Baron von Rochester

    Oh, I can’t wait to see how this plays out. I’m a living advertisement for the effectiveness of online matchmaking, having found my probable soulmate on Craigslist (no, really) with an ad requesting a woman who was “pleasantly neurotic.”

    And I’ll be darned … she really is. But in a good way.

    Baron von Rochester’s last blog post..In Which Thomas Tallis Accomplishes in Two Minutes What an Unskilled Apologist Cannot do in 80,000 Words

  41. 41 JD

    Musing: It’s nice to have a fall-back job—or blog. Hmmm. Do I have time for a 2d blog?

    Bearpaw Boots: Thank you. Congrats go to Jen, who came up with the information. I just made it look all fancy-like.

    Jay: The 5 foot nine and a half poor saps need NOT apply! And I bet you’re going to use that carpet/drapes expression yourself from now on!

    Wren: Thank you! That’s about the only thing I can draw. It really has very little to do with my whole site/theme, but I love it so much.

    Baron von Rochester: Aw. That warms the cockles of my heart. See, folks! Another success story. I’m glad you found someone. Actually, “pleasantly neurotic” would probably be one of my requirements if I were to become Suddenly Single.

  42. 42 Puglette

    hi jd, i did something so you don’t have to…hope you won’t mind! stop by if you can.
    :o)
    puglette

    Puglette’s last blog post..Signs of Spring and I Buy Tomato Trees So You Don’t Have To

  43. 43 JD

    Puglette: Oh, goodie! I’m on my way . . .

  44. 44 mlm

    I, too, met my husband on Match.com. We have been together for 7 years and have a 5 year old son. Actually, we first met in a bar, but I was still seeing someone at the time, so I kind of shot him down. 9 or 10 months later, he saw my profile on Match.com and sent me an email. About 3 emails into the thing, I suddenly remembered him from the bar and the crazy thing is, he STILL had my phone number. The rest, as they say, is history. True wuv…Awwww.

  45. 45 JD

    mlm: Awwwww, inDEED! It was meant to be. That’s really sweet. And encouraging. Thanks for sharing your tale of LOVE!

  46. 46 Venom

    Okay – I’m hooked.

  47. 47 JD

    Venom: Cool!

  48. 48 Ana@Dating Better

    Good luck Jen! Hope you find the one..
    You’re profile was good huh..lol
    I’m hoping you finally meet Mr. Right..

  49. 49 JD

    Ana@Dating Better: Maybe YOU can offer some tips, Ms. Dating Better!


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