This is the first of the “I Do Things By Request” series.
Recently Jen from Redhead Ranting made a humble request of I Do Things:
Would you find me a worthy date on Match.com? I’m already a member but am far too lazy to peruse all the different profiles. I’m also not too good at picking out men as you might have noticed.
Oh, YES! Never mind that it’s been over 20 years since my man-hunting days. I have long been intrigued by Match.com. If I were to find myself Suddenly Single, I’d have no qualms about going online and finding me a rich sugar daddy.
According to the ads, people who use Match.com are all young and good-looking, with user names like “CuteBritChick,” who say quirky things like “Mowing the lawn is therapeutic.”
You know who would be great in a Match.com commercial? Jen. She’s gorgeous, bright, and witty. Her quote would be “I like money.” Isn’t that refreshing?
Now, it’s easy to make fun of online dating services like Match.com, but I know two people who found a match online and they’ve been with their respective partner for over 5 years. So this stuff does work. I just have to make it work for Jen.
There are a LOT of men on Match.com. May I take a quick moment to offer some advice? Men, if you don’t post a photo, you’re automatically disqualified. Other grounds for disqualification include quoting Winnie the Pooh and listing “butt” as your best feature. Please don’t call yourself “amazingly handsome” unless you are really, really amazingly handsome. And I’m just not sure that “Lesbian stuck in a man’s body” is the best tagline.
Let’s see what kind of man I can get for Jen with the following profile (based on her likes and dislikes):
About Me and Who I’m Looking For:
- I am: a real redhead. No, you may not check to see if the drapes match the carpet.
- I am not: a passive wimp. I tend to speak my mind and am able to do so with wit and intelligence. I’d like someone who can keep up with me intellectually.
- I like: money. I’m not going to lie. I’ve been without money enough to know that life is easier with it. I work hard and appreciate a similar work ethic in a partner.
- I don’t like: working out every day. If you do, please look for someone more compatible.
- My beliefs: I’m more conservative than liberal. I do have a liberal attitude toward many social issues, but I am incredibly fiscally conservative. I love my country. If you’ve burned any flags lately, please look elsewhere.
- You are: A man, not a kid. It’s cool if you have kids, but please be an adult. Preferably a somewhat “manly man.” The image of a lumberjack comes to mind. An intelligent lumberjack.
- You are not: married, living with your Mom, or living with your ex.
- You have: a job that pays reasonably well. Independently wealthy is perfectly acceptable.
- Your hair: is not a mullet, a comb-over, or longer than mine (and mine is past my shoulders). Otherwise, anything goes. Except redheads. They creep me out. Hypocritical? Maybe, but I don’t want to feel like I’m dating my brother.
- You like: good conversation, good people, and good hygiene.
- You don’t like: NASCAR, taking advantage of others, lying.
- We are: not the same height. I am fairly short, so please be at least 5’10”.
- We are: not the same weight. My weight is perfectly appropriate for my height. That’s all you need to know about that. Trust me: If you weigh less than me, you shouldn’t even be alive.
- We are: not fighting for mirror space. And I don’t spend all day in front of a mirror, either. Take a shower, wash your hair, brush your teeth, and go. Skip the cologne. If you’re clean, you don’t need it.
- We are: on equal ground. I’ve been through some tough times, and maybe you have, too. But I don’t expect anyone to try to fix me, and I’m not looking for someone to fix.
I’m far from being a helpless princess in a tower, but if you’re a self-confident knight in somewhat shining armor who can wash his own clothes and maybe even cook a little, I wouldn’t mind if you came along on your white horse to whisk me away.
Cross your fingers for Jen! And please check her blog for updates—and possibly a WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT!