I Will Be Cremated

Baby, who turned the temperature hotter?


Oven guy came from here


What’s your take on ashes?

I mean, of the human kind?

Should the “cremains” of your loved ones be scattered or stored? Perhaps you’d prefer to eat them or shoot them off into space?

Cremains are the cremated remains of a dead body. These flecks of burned-up skin and bones are often kept in a tasteful urn and displayed discreetly on a shelf or mantel.

Except sometimes this happens:


Horrifying urn comes from Personal Solutions



Yes. That is a personalized urn, designed from a photograph provided by a well-meaning loved one. The deceased’s features are meticulously re-created to . . .


Sorry, but did you SEE that thing? Surely no one actually puts that in their HOUSE where they LIVE, do they? Because I will tell you now: if I woke up in the middle of the night and saw my loved one’s creepy HEAD stuffed with ASHES (and why does the candle look like part of the head?) I’d need a second urn.

Because I would die of fright, is what I’m saying.

And, look, I speak from experience. We kept the remains of my beloved dad in a plain urn for several years before scattering his ashes sort of illegally. Would my dad have wanted his ashes kept in an urn that looked like his head? No. Would I want my dad’s head-urn in my house? No. I remember what he looks like. I have photos. Personally, I’d rather FORGET what my dad looks like than have this ghoulish scooped-out HEAD as a reminder.

I’ve told people I want to be cremated, but really, I just DON’T want to be buried. Because as everyone knows, it’s almost a given that you will be buried alive. Of course, you can be cremated alive, too, but that’s quicker. No, I don’t care what happens to my body after I die. Toss it in a ditch. Throw it in a lake. Chop it up and feed it to the wolves.

But for god’s sake, PLEASE don’t put it in a JD Head-Urn.

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67 Responses to “I Will Be Cremated”

  1. 1 Muskrat

    That head….is truly awful.
    .-= Muskrat´s last blog ..son, your government’s writing checks the muskrat just cashed =-.

  2. 2 Mrs. Mecomber

    WOW. WHAT a post, rofllllll!!! Um, I’m glad THIS post wasn’t chosen for you to read (speak) aloud, since everyone else would have been barfing, too. Ewww that head urn makes me queasy!

    By the way, did you notice that your Entrecard ad for today suits today’s post PERFECTLY. OMG.
    .-= Mrs. Mecomber´s last blog ..It’s a Little Messy… =-.

  3. 3 Janine

    Ok, finally something I know something about (unfortunately.)

    Cremation. Sounds practical and even green, right? Well, think again. First of all, there are all kinds creepy solutions in regards to storing the remains (ashes.) there’s even jewelry that opens up (like a locket or those poison rings) and this allows you to SHARE the ashes with several family members. Even the grief stricken realize there is something rather wrong about this.

    There are all kinds of urns in every style to blend with your decor. Problem is – it’s still a container for the burnt remains of a loved one. And sooner or later you are going to want to find a final resting spot because let’s face it, you too will die one day and if you don’t find a place for these ashes now, you’ll need to leave them to someone in your will. (you can see where this is going right? next thing you know, someone has five generations of family members stored on a shelf in the basement.)

    bottom line – you will eventually have to plant the deceased. SO you should find out where he/she would like to go when you are ready to let go because even though you may think (at first) that you’ll keep him/her around in a tasteful decorative container, you will eventually want your privacy back.

    sorry – just sayin’.

  4. 4 Amy

    OMG the look on the urn’s face – he’s like, why are you doing this to me??

  5. 5 Anne

    Both of my parents were cremated and I kept the remains. I actually have them stored in a clock in my family room. It is extremely discreet because the last thing I wanted was a creepy head that screamed dead parents when people came over. With my clock, my husband knows what it is, but nobody else does.

    I am not sure what I want to happen to me when I die. I think I like the idea of being sprinkled somewhere illegally. Now I just need to find a place.
    .-= Anne´s last blog ..Jillian Michaels and Farkle, What a Combo! =-.

  6. 6 Rob O.

    Okay, that is creepy, but I’m not sure it’s any worse than LifeGem where your departed loved one’s cremated ashes are used to create a diamond or other gemstone.

  7. 7 Shieldmaiden1196

    Jesus on a surfboard, please tell me this isn’t a real thing.
    At least the face has an appropriate “Holy crap, I can’t believe my family did this to me” face.

    I’m all about the ‘slightly illegal’ ash scattering. A certain grandma, who was a huge Sound of Music fan, was recently scattered up at the Von Trapp family farm. No one I know, though. Nope.

  8. 8 absepa

    My husband has strict instructions not to have me cremated (I’m ascared of fire-had a bad burn as a kid). Other than that, though, I couldn’t care less what happens to my remains. I told him to do whatever was cheapest.

    My aunt had her beloved horse cremated, and she keeps the remains in a decorative box/urn thing. Here’s what I found kind of interesting: the box is REALLY big. I mean, I’ve seen the containers for human and large dog cremains, and they’re not really that big, all things considered. Apparently horses make a lot of ashes. (Sorry if that sounds insensitive. I just think it’s kind of odd.)

  9. 9 Bingo

    That urn is horrible and ugly, I want to be creamed too but I hope my “cremains” will be scattered.

  10. 10 Daisy the Curly Cat

    Oh my Cod, that head/urn is scaring me. It kind of reminds me of that scene in the movie “Hannibal” at the dinner table…

    I wish to be cremated, myself. Or else made into a pretty ring.

  11. 11 Barb - WillThink4Wine

    I plan to be cremated, too! Oh! Oh! I know – maybe I could have one of those made for my ex-husband! LOL!

  12. 12 Karen

    Yucko! That is just plain wrong!! Who would do that? I just want to be buried with my sewing machine so I will finally have time to get some projects finished.

  13. 13 shakespeare

    I’d much rather be cremated than buried traditionally, if only because of all the creepy things they do to bodies to prep them for burial.

    I’ve asked my hubby to wait three days before burning me, though…

    Wow, this is a pretty creepy subject. Almost as creepy as that cremation urn/head/monstrosity.

  14. 14 Puglette

    wow, that is a seriously frightening urn. and the flesh colored candle…is that made with the ash of your loved one too?

    my brother has the ashes of my parents and older brother in his garden shed. they are just hanging out. when my sister in law passed, her daughter, my niece, received a lovely catalog of urn selections. i preferred the garden urns, a nice garden gnome for me, please.

    i always enjoy reading the comments here, bingo wants to be creamed…in a nice sherry sauce perhaps?
    have a great weekend,

  15. 15 Kathy

    OK, but consider this. If you got one of these heads, everyone could admire your pretty head of hair, too. See, we’re all looking at that scary guy. We have to imagine it’s YOU. It doesn’t seem so scary then. Although you probably still wouldn’t want to do it, at least not around me. I have a tendency to fill any bowl with a lid with candy.

    Oh, and the buried alive thing? Have you seen Hitchcock’s “Final Escape?” {shivers}

  16. 16 stephanie B

    Me, I’m waiting until I die to be cremated.

    Actually, your attitude toward your dead body is much like mine (except I’ve told them to take any piece parts out of it first that someone else could use).

    My father was kept in a cookie jar. I think that’s cool.

  17. 17 Grace

    Now I see I don’t think that is so awful. It needs hair and somewhat more realistic eyes but other than that – Cool. I love the idea of Life Gems. Years and years ago I told my brother that when I died I should be cremated and my ashes put in a lucite cube that would sit out on the coffee table so I would always be a part of the action. (I was so ahead of the times.) My then sister-in-law thought that was creepy but as she got to know me better she said she was okay with the idea.

    I really can’t see wasting perfectly good land to bury decaying flesh. Cemeteries are basically landscaped landfills. Just sayin’

  18. 18 Kathy

    Oh, and before you say they can’t put your real hair on your fake head, the site says “Personal urns come with a bare scalp ready for a suitable wig, which we can provide.” I think you could have your hair made into a wig and then supplied to the company.

    Why do I keep thinking about this? I have to go now.

  19. 19 georgie

    OMGosh…I am speechless…seriously…

  20. 20 Noelle

    I don’t even like 2-D pictures of dead people in my home… That thing is just messed up, and I don’t even what to know who thinks that’s a good idea.

  21. 21 babs - beetle

    Hahahahahahahaha! I’m sorry but the first picture made me laugh OUT LOUD for quite a time! Just as well, because what followed gave me the shivers!

    We had our parents cremated and scattered immediately. Well as soon as you can. I respect other peoples wishes but no way did any of us want to keep (and look at) the ashes of the people we loved most in the world. Being reminded constantly that their bodies got burned up. I had bad enough visions every time I closed my eyes, without reminders.

    The head is monstrous in my opinion.

    Now that first picture…… Hahahahahahahaahahahahaha!

  22. 22 Patricia

    What with overpopulation and ecological concerns, we probably all should plan to be cremated. I do. My sister does too and she has a great idea. She wants her ashes released at a Nebraska Cornhuskers’ football game right when Nebraska scores a touchdown. She says that’s where many of her happiest memories occurred and she loves the idea of her ashes floating in the air surrounded by thousands of happy football fans.

  23. 23 Pricilla

    True irony in your entrecard ad today…

    My mother is in the Atlantic Ocean. My father is with his girlfriend (he died after my mother).

    I have said I wanted to be cremated and planted in the garden. Heck, might as well perform SOME kind of post – death service eh?

    That head is just plain morbid. Seriously. The person is dead. Having a head there isn’t gonna bring ‘em back. Except in drunken/too many donut nightmares.

  24. 24 C.B. Jones

    Death is such a depressing subject. I assume the head-urns are meant for people you just plain don’t like. It’s sort of the new age version of mounting animal heads or something.

    It’s like some kind of twisted trophy for those who have “doesn’t play well with others” more than a half dozen times in their permanent records.

  25. 25 roschelle

    The Head-urn is a bit much…ewwww!!!

  26. 26 JD

    Muskrat: Indeed. I think it’s the facial hair.

    Mrs. Mecomber: HA! Can you imagine. Of course they’d have to have an overhead projector so everyone could see the photo.

    Janine: No, you’re absolutely right. That logic is what spurred us to finally scatter my dad’s ashes. We don’t have kids, and we were like, Hmmm. We may actually die some day too. Better take care of these. No matter how you slice it, death is just plain inconvenient.

    Amy: I know, right?! The indignity.

    Anne: Ah! I like the clock idea. No, there’s something about “DEAD PARENTS” as a decor theme that is just wrong. Good luck finding your illegal scattering spot.

    Rob O.: Oooh, pretty! But no. In theory, it’s kind of a neat idea, but as Janine pointed out: it’s still someone’s dead body all crushed up. No thank you.

    Shieldmaiden1196: I’m sorry. It is indeed a real thing. I think! Soooo . . . this “grandma” of whom you speak. That is awesome. Where IS the Von Trapp family farm anyway? Oh, I forgot. You wouldn’t know, would you?

    absepa: That’s very interesting. WHY do horses generate so much ash, I wonder. When I picked up my dad’s ashes, I was surprised at how heavy they were, but it turns out it was the urn that was heavy. I need you to look in your aunt’s box, if you would be so kind, and confirm that it really is filled to the brim with horse ash. Thank you.

    Bingo: Scattered is definitely my choice, too. As for being creamed, I’m not sure that would sufficiently reduce the body enough to fit into a small container suitable for scattering. But I could be wrong.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: Yes, me too!!! A head that comes off like a lid. shivers Daisy, I want to say that you would make a very pretty ring, but I don’t even like to think of it.

    Barb – WillThink4Wine: HA! YES! Do it, I dare you. Don’t even wait until you’re dead—just send it to him with no explanation. At the very least, he will have nightmares for life.

    Karen: Maybe you can have your ashes stored INSIDE your sewing machine. Or maybe that’s just getting too complicated. I’m not sure how this all works.

    shakespeare: Oh, that 3-day rule is a good idea. I’ll have to add a clause to my last will and testament.

    Puglette: That candle really bothers me. It looks like a slice of head. The garden gnome is kind of a nice idea. I wouldn’t mind being scattered in a garden. (Hee! I liked Bingo’s “creamed” comment. Everyone has their preferences!)

    Kathy: Don’t tempt me to Photoshop my face (and hair) onto that thing. I don’t see why this head-urn couldn’t double as a candy bowl. The ashes are usually packed in a Ziploc bag anyway. I’ve had nightmares about being buried alive ever since I watched “Dark Shadows” as a child. No, I have NOT seen “Final Escape,” nor do I care to. OK, maybe I’m curious. BLAM! It’s on my Netflix queue.

    stephanie B: Yeah, I thought I might wait until I died, too. No sense rushing things. I DO want to donate any donatable parts before my carcass gets thrown to the wolves, tho by that time my liver might be useless. Cookie jar! I love it!

    Grace: Oooh, a lucite cube! Aren’t you creative. I get that, in theory, but I said before, I’m still rather creeped out by dead body remains, whatever form they may take. But a lucite cube . . . you may be on to something here.

    Kathy: Oh, hello again. Trust Kathy to go digging around the site for the fine print. I won’t consider this matter closed until I hear back from you that they can stick am MP3 player in the head so the deceased appears to be singing their favorite song.

    georgie: It’s pretty bad, isn’t it? Happy nightmares tonight!

    Noelle: I keep thinking of it as a weird type of Jack-o-Lantern that you could stick a candle in and have it light up through the eyes and mouth. Think of how terrifying THAT would be at Halloween.

    babs – beetle: GOOD! I’m glad you got a laugh before you got the creeps. Cremation is not a fun topic, but it beats the alternatives, I think. Just make sure you’re “done” before you open the oven door!

    Patricia: I agree that cremation makes more sense than burial. I’m not just sure how happy those thousands of football fans would be to have your sister’s ashes floating in their beer.

    Pricilla: I know! Isn’t it awesome! I didn’t plan it, I swear. “Too many donut nightmares,” eh? We seem to have a lot in common.

    C.B. Jones: Y’know I didn’t think of it that way, but you’re right. What better way to commemorate your enemy than with a head urn? You could even use it as a wastebasket!

    roschelle: A bit. They’ve gone too far this time. Give us our nice, plain, discreet urns or toss us in a ravine!

  27. 27 Jay

    Oh … EWWWWWWWW!!!! Please tell me that’s a practical joke on us? Please, pretty please?

    I think that if it isn’t a joke, it’s quite possibly the most tasteless and ghastly thing I’ve ever seen created by human hand in the name of art. Scuse me while I beat my head against a wall to try to dislodge that image.

  28. 28 Pippa

    Why did I read this just before I went to bed?

  29. 29 Leeuna

    I don’t mean to sound insensitive but the first thought that came to mind when I saw that hideous head urn was “is that a scented candle and does it smell like burning flesh?” Total gross-out!

    Cremation is by far the cheapest, but I’ve always had this thing about being burned. It makes me shudder. I guess in the end it’s up to those we leave behind what they do with our remains. We’ll never know the difference anyway. :D

  30. 30 The Mother Tongue

    There’s this new alternative to cremating called “promession”. No kidding, they freeze you with liquid nitrogen, then shake the resulting corpsicle until it turns into dust. Not even joking, here’s an article about it: http://u.nu/9m7v

    Anyhow, I know how I want it all to go down after I die. I want to be cremated, stored in a coffee can, and scattered on John Goodman’s face. YES.

  31. 31 Maureen

    Ewwwwww… I can’t believe you wrote about this.

    Well, actually I can. Who else could make me LOL at such a gross subject?

    I too prefer cremation. But never, ever kept in a lookalike head jar! Accckkk!

  32. 32 Florida Girl In Sydney

    Omigod, that is so so wrong. Though as a gift you could have one made for every member of a family as cookie jars or cotton ball holders. That wouldn’t be weird at all, would it? What? What’s weird about that? I

  33. 33 babs - beetle

    Just one more thing. Those eyes are stary! That would really creep me out! They probably follow you around too.

  34. 34 Tippy

    At least they’re not using it as a soup tourine…

    Have you ever heard of this ceremonial ‘burial’?? Check it out…complete with photos! Yum!


  35. 35 Alice

    You echoed my sentiments on cremation exactly. I don’t want to be buried either.

    And the head is creepily bald so you can put your own wig on it. DUH! ; ) (so says their website)

  36. 36 JD

    Jay: I wish it were a joke. It’s not. There is actually a company out there who re-creates people’s heads and stuffs them full of their ashes. Cute! Can you imagine walking into someone’s home and seeing that? And arriving at the natural conclusion that it is some sort of novelty joke item? Awkward!

    Pippa: Happy nightmares! Remember, it’s not a real head. OR IS IT?

    Leeuna: HA! I’m sure you’re not the only one who wondered just WHAT that candle does smell like. If not burning flesh, then perhaps the deceased’s favorite cologne? Being burned is probably not very fun, but as you say, we won’t know. But I would definitely know if I wake up in a coffin buried six feet under.

    Maureen: HEAD JAR! You know the minute I saw this, I HAD to write about it. I hope there was more LOL than Ewwww. Or at least an equal amount.

    Florida Girl In Sydney: Oh! Or how about a set of nesting dolls for each family member? From oldest (biggest) to youngest (smallest)? Excuse me while I write to this head urn company real quick.

    babs – beetle: AND they probably glow in the dark, too, wouldn’t you think? Cripes!

    Alice: God. Your own wig of your own hair, I guess. That is going dangerously into a somewhat fetishistic area. I don’t like to think of my husband stroking my the dead hair on my head urn as he watches the Discover Channel. Brrr.

    Tippy: But they totally COULD use it to serve soup, right? That head’s actually quite utilitarian. Oh. My. Freaking. God. I thought “sky burial” was going to be something nice involving a plane or something. And the pictures!!! JESUS! Thanks for not leaving anything to the imagination, Tibetan monks! Damn. Also, thank you! That was rather awesome.

    The Mother Tongue: Y’know, I wouldn’t mind being freeze-dried. It sounds better than being burned (and is better for the environment) AND you wind up in pretty much the same state as you would being cremated. Hmmm. Interesting.

  37. 37 Patty

    If you’re frightened of being buried alive you may not want to read this recent news story…


    Also, if you don’t want to be cremated and don’t care what happens to your body, it’s worth thinking about giving your body to your favorite medical cause to further research. (May I humbly suggest people with tongues too large for their mouths?)

  38. 38 Ungirdled Passion

    NO THEY DIDINT! Thanks for the heads up on this sick product. I get fired up thinking of how creepy that is!

    Good point on being cremated alive v. buried alive. You provide valuable community service here. I am always dying to see what your next post will be! You’re bury funny!

  39. 39 The Mother

    That head urn is, well, creepy. Creepier than the usual ones, anyway. Glad you’re doing it so I don’t have to.

  40. 40 Will

    That head is so bad, it could be just a sick joke! Tried the link but the site would not open for me. If you do this and blog about it afterward, I bet your site goes viral. Please though, no hurry, we can wait…. a long time.

  41. 41 Your Daily Cute

    You’re right… that head urn is TERRIBLE! Horrible. Awful.

    But, that said, you had me laughing out loud about such a morbid subject. Great job, great post!

  42. 42 trade show displays guru

    hey JD,
    I want one of those head urns… but I want to enjoy it while I’m alive, not after I’m dead. Maybe I can keep my car keys and some change it it… I could even keep it on the entry table and everyone could rub my head for good luck when they come in the house…
    Thanks for the idea. I wonder how much they are…
    ~ Steve, the entirely-not-self-centered trade show guru

  43. 43 Steve

    I told my girlfriend I want to be wrapped in a carpet and put under a boulder. Oh, after having my organs scooped out for donation.

    What you could do with the ash-head that would be really respectful and neat would be to put it on top of a robot that walks around your house and cleans. For bonus points it should turn towards you when you walk into the room.

    Where’s my girlfriend? I need to tell her there’s a change of plans.

  44. 44 Secret Agent Mama

    Yeah, no. Gross.
    I just wanna be plain ole buried with a nice, simple headstone!

    My husband, now? He could care less. He said to chop him up and feed him to sharks (yeah, uhhhhh, no. gross.)

  45. 45 Daniela

    If you were gonna get sprinkled into a food as a garnish, what would you want it to be? you gotta think of these things.

    The only problem with getting eaten is what happens afterwards…but i guess if you’re sure that you won’t know the difference, I guess it wouldnt matter.

  46. 46 cardiogirl

    Totally creepy and yet I’m dying to know if they’re turning a profit.

    My head urn has to have a ponytail. It could be the handle to the lid for easy access to the ashes.

    I’d also like my ashes to be incorporated in the ashes used on the Ash Wednesday following my death. I’d get to go back out into the world until my ashes were washed down the drain into the sewer.

    Hmm, might have to re-think that one.

  47. 47 kathryn

    Yikes. I gotta say, though….if I’m sitting in the funeral parlor and the guy is walking the grieving fam thru the motions and he presented a pre-made look-a-like of the fam member that just died to use as an urn, I might just be out-of-my-mind enough to say “OH, YES! I WANT ONE OF THOSE! I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH, JUST ADD IT TO THE TAB.”

    You see my point?

  48. 48 JD

    Patty: Hey, you are on the ball, aren’t you?! You’re right: I should definitely donate my body to some sort of mutant tongue research center. Between that, my goiter, my waxy ears, and my square head, doctors will have a field day . . . and that’s only from the neck up! OK, off to check out this link against my better judgment. . . That was terrifying, but at least the baby is OK and he was probably too young to be scared, right? RIGHT?

    Ungirdled Passion: AHAHAHA! Excellent pun. I wonder how many people changed their burial plans after reading this post. Quite a few, I should think. Cremation, people! It’s quicker!

    The Mother: Brrr. I wish I hadn’t done it. I could’ve lived the rest of my life without knowing about this sort of thing.

    Will: It’s tempting. Is that what it would take for me to go viral? To die and have my ashes placed in a JD head-urn? Well, if I must . . . The link should work—the site is very slow to load. But then maybe it’s not that vital that you see it.

    Your Daily Cute: Thank you! It’s always good to laugh about morbid stuff. (And thanks for the nice EC review!)

    trade show displays guru: OK, NOW you’re talking. YES! I can actually see displaying my very own personal head but while I’m alive, and using it as a cookie jar or whatever. Great idea. If the site ever loads, let me know the cost. I’ll go halvsies.

    Steve: HAHAHAHA. I’d love to hear your girlfriend’s reaction to your request to have your urn-head placed on a robot maid. Who WOULDN’T want that in their house? Seriously, I’m desperate enough to get my house cleaned that I could almost see having an ash-headed robot . . . almost.

    Secret Agent Mama: Sharks, eh? How about vultures? (See Tippy’s comment, above.)

    Daniela: No one has proven that we DON’T know what it might feel like to die, be sprinkled on food, eaten, and then evacuated. Until we have some kind of scientific research on that, I think I’ll pass. If and when it happens? I’d like to be oregano.

    cardiogirl: The sewer part doesn’t sound so great, tho I like the idea of death-ashes as wearable art. I also like the ponytail. Mine would absolutely have to have my birds-nest hair or how would people know it as me?

    kathryn: I see it! Yes, it’d be hard to turn it down under those circumstances. ADD IT TO THE TAB! Heh.

  49. 49 flit

    oh now if they glow in the dark ….. I DO like to collect odd things that glow in the dark.

    Up until I read that, I was all in agreement and everything…but glow in the dark, now, hmm…..

  50. 50 Scrooge

    I gots a treat jar that looks like a dog and when She or He lifts the head up it plays musics and I knows to come running.

    Maybe the heads could plays music too!

  51. 51 nipsy

    WRONG, WRONG WRONG!!! There is no way in hell I would have the dead imitation head of my loved one filled with there cremains sitting around as a damn candy dish with a removable scalp…

    Who ever thunk this up has some serious issues and I bet a very high therapy bill.

  52. 52 Natural

    my solution is to never die. all i have to do is avoid death and i will never have to be buried or cremeated.

    what will people think of next. seriously? i want a store for people who just need to spend money on “stupid” stuff. i will name my store, “saw you coming”.

    i’m just too cheap to die. sorry.

  53. 53 CatLadyLarew

    I actually let out a full fledged guffaw on that one!

    The only cremains head I would ever want to see is one of my ex-husband. Then I could literally give back all the shit he gave me, thanks to the easy-open skull!

  54. 54 Kristen

    That is truly creepy. My dad says he wants to be sprinkled over the septic system at our cottage. His rationale is that he’s spent a lot of time in it living, why not spend all eternity there. Can you imagine one of these heads sticking up out of the septic field? The other option would be to flush it but I’m pretty certain that the Charlie Brown sized heads in our family would stop up the toilet pretty permanently.

  55. 55 JD

    flit: Kinda puts a different spin on things, eh? To me, the glow-in-the-dark eyes would make it more over the top and less like an actual human head whose top slices off.

    Scrooge: Good suggestion! It could play the deceased’s favorite song, perhaps. Or maybe “Going Out of My Head”?

    nipsy: I think we are definitely in agreement, my friend. There’s just SO much wrong here, and the removable scalp isn’t helping matters at all. I may need therapy myself after looking at this abomination.

    Natural: “Too cheap to die.” I think the way you think. Not dying would solve so many problems. No need to hire an organist or minister. Friends and loved ones wouldn’t have to go to all that trouble making casseroles. I plan to look into this option.

    CatLadyLarew: HAR! Between you and Barb – WillThink4Wine (above), I’m actually beginning to see a market for this.

    Kristen: HAHAHA! “Charlie Brown sized heads.” Good one. I guess there are worse places than a septic system, but . . . what? Well, in one of these head urns, I guess.

  56. 56 The Hawg!

    I, too, will be cremated and the idea of a head-urn makes me ill.

    I’ve already instructed my wife to place Cremated The Hawg in a Snoopy cookie jar.

    “Can I have a cookie, grandma?”

    “There aren’t any cookies in there — that’s grandpa!”


    Great fun.

  57. 57 Condo Blues

    Mr. Urn Head looks like a zombie version of the dead person. Not a good idea – haven’t we all seen zombie movies? Reanimated dead things just don’t work out well.

  58. 58 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    ohmygod you are KILLING me!!! Er, so to speak. Ya know, I talk all serious about my Mom’s ashes in this interview thing the other day because I can’t find a tasteful way to make it funny and you just blast (no pun intended) your way through the subject, taking no prisoners.


  59. 59 April

    No.No.No. No.No.

    That isn’t creepy – that’s super creepy. Especially with that expression on his face.

    Why would you… just…gah.

  60. 60 Chris@TheSnackHound

    That urn is scaring me! I am going to have to close my browser!

  61. 61 JD

    The Hawg!: HAHAHA! I like your sense of humor. Kids need to learn about death as early as possible, so why not in the form of a cookie jar head urn filled with ashes?

    Condo Blues: Good point. And you know that thing comes to life after someone says the secret code word.

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): So to speak I should HOPE! Sometimes blasting is the best way. And I did do a fairly tasteful (for me) post on scattering my dad’s ashes. But it’s hard to be serious around a head urn.

    April: There are no words. Except “creepy” and “wrong.” And “no” repeated over and over.

    Chris@TheSnackHound: Sorry! Next post will less death-y.

  62. 62 David

    I guess the model urn-head-guy died tragically young … and while staring oddly as though permanently terrified. Then again, if the top of my head came off (more often than it already does) I’d be terrified, too.

  63. 63 JD

    David: I think the lesson here is to die with as normal as possible expression on your face. Then your urn-head won’t look TOO creepy.

  64. 64 ann of thejunkdrawerblogfamily

    I think that i may pre-order a head for my viewing. I can have my look-a-like head/urn sitting next to my ipod playing the Stones’ “You can’t always get what you want”. I’ve already picked out the funeral home. It has plenty of off-street parking, and it’s across from a grocery store and next to a bar. You can down a few drinks before and after the service, but still bring home milk.

  65. 65 dcr

    You’re all a bunch of quitters, except for Natural.

    First choice is immortality.

    Failing that (at least right away), the choice is between cryogenic suspension and freeze-drying. Both have their merits. Some claim that freeze-drying would be better because there is less tissue damage. Tough call. Hopefully someone will figure that out before the need arises.

    Then, people in the future can bring you back to life once they figure out how to (a) fix what caused your death to begin with and (b) reverse the storage method you chose, which means either thawing (and repairing said tissue damage) or rehydrating. In either case, I’m sure it’ll cause a bit of a headache.

    But, 1,000 years from now, I could be telling people all about their ancient history.

    Right before I sue them for not taking better care of my things! What? They didn’t think I’d really come back?

  66. 66 kathcom

    Her I was thinking that the Star Trek urns from Eternal Image were weird. http://www.eternalimage.net/star_trek.php

    I’ve told everyone I know that I want my ashes to be scattered from the window of a taxi driving up Madison Avenue so I can get in the lungs of spoiled Upper East Siders and make them cough.

    My husband doesn’t want to get in trouble with the NYPD. I told him if he goes first, I’ll dump him out of the open cockpit of a biplane at the Rhinebeck Aerodrome. (If he’s lucky, I’ll wait till he’s dead– ba dum bum.)

    My mother said she’ll do it for me if he won’t, which means I’ll have to die soon or she’s going to have to break some longevity records. If not, maybe I should punish my hubby by making him keep me in one of these head urns. Thanks for the info, JD!

  67. 67 JD

    ann of the junkdrawerblogfamily: How sensible you are. Always thinking ahead. Me, I’ve only thought of the music I want played during my video collage (“She” by Elvis Costello). Maybe I’ll just make things easy on everyone and use Julia Robert’s head for my urn.

    dcr: You make an excellent point. Best to bypass the whole cremation/head urn issue and opt for freeze-drying (which sounds more doable than cryogenic suspension to me). I hope I’ll be around in 1,000 years to watch you kicking everyone’s ass. Could you put your stuff in storage?

    kathcom: Wow, you’ve got some interesting options! I’d never thought of using my ashes to annoy people, but what a great idea. I bet my mom would do it, but, like you, I’ll have to kick the bucket pretty soon. I’m not quite ready. I s’pose you could hire someone . . .


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