Yes! I went to college. I majored in . . . something. And I lived in a dorm and then . . . some other places, with some people . . .
I know I had fun. I may have learned some stuff. Or not.
Did I go to college? It’s actually kind of hard to remember. Oh, wait! I have photos to prove it. Yes! I went to college!
Of course you already know that in college I was a dumbass Hoosier, right? Here is further proof:
Please note the “Late Night Beer,” toast on a stick, and autographed Slim Whitman photo. My mullet, made even more egregious by a Mike Reno-style bandana, was in its prime during this, my first senior year.
But long before I was a dumbass Hoosier, I belonged to a top-secret, super-elite, totally made-up sorority:
Undeterred by the fact that we lived in a dorm, our floor of enterprising young women founded the Tri Fox sorority. Our logo (?) was three running foxes. Because we were foxy. We even had a song, which began “Tri Fox ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah.” I can’t remember the rest. Maybe that’s because . . .
Do you remember poppers? Of course you don’t. No one does. But this photo proves they exist. The directions said something like “Remove lid and let the fumes waft around the room.” We were really more into snorting than wafting.
Of course, it wasn’t all poppers. There was a lot of this:
All of which was usually followed by this:
Don’t be so judgmental! The partaking of such recreational substances allowed us to explore our innermost selves and engage in creative and uninhibited activities:
Little-known fact. The Rockstar Bulge . . .
. . . began with a sophomore JD.
Did you have sky-beds in your dorm? Sky-beds were like bunk-beds only they were called sky-beds. Here are my freshman toes, dangling in front of some questionable taste in music. Yes, that’s Styx and Cheap Trick. Too bad you can’t see my kickass Robert Plant poster. It’s the one where he’s holding a dove.
My roommates and I were greatly entertained by a hi-larious book called “Why a Cucumber Is Better Than a Man.” We even felt compelled to act out several of the reasons in a photo montage:
GET IT? The cucumber and I had a nice glass of wine and then we had sex.
But even a bow-tied cucumber was no match for my true college love:
Yes, this is me and Daryl Hall. What? You think it’s just me standing in front of a poster? Now who’s on poppers?
Back in those days, I could eat as much Pig Cake as I pleased:
Because apparently I had the figure (and hair) of a boy:
When we weren’t “having a ball” in our dorm . . .
. . . we ventured out to the Sugar Shack, where the highlight was being held aloft by a sweaty male stripper:
Ah, good times.
I miss college. At least, I think I do.
Eh, maybe not.
Indiana University came from here