Yes, in my version of a Polish wedding, I get to marry Gabriel Byrne while Claire Danes looks on in confusion.
But this wasn’t my wedding. Hell, we didn’t even GO to the wedding, because the deal was: wedding at 11:30, reception at 6:30, at a venue far, far away in another galaxy. We would have had to find something to do in between the wedding and the reception because, as Dave so poignantly said, “If we go home after the wedding, I’m not going back.”
So we chose the reception, but only after we were promised rare Meats of the East(ern Europe) and a House of Food.
Listen bubs, if you’re planning on attending a Polish wedding reception, the best advice I can give you is to bring a notebook. I used the Notepad app on my iPod to type a few notes, and this is what happened:
- Polisg reception
- Tying on old clothes
- Backup underwear
- T and h already married …. Wars the cockles
- Applying biofreeaze in car changing underwear
- Photo of purse that doesn’t zipin car taking notes told Dave “has anything happened yet “
Translation: I tried on some old clothes, tugged on a pair of Spanx, being sure to tuck a pair of backup underwear in my purse that I realized too late doesn’t zip close. Cockles of heart warmed by the groom (T) and bride (h), who, yes, were already married in a small civil ceremony but who wanted to do it right, this time with 400 guests and head cheese.
The Spanx didn’t even make it into the reception hall. They lasted about as long as it took to pull out of our driveway. Thank god for backup underwear. Thank god, also, for Biofreeze, which I applied liberally in the car, managing to get the jelly-like substance all over my skirt (and backup underwear).
And as I typed frantically away, Dave noted that “nothing has happened yet.” Oh, Dave. How little you understand the blog of JD.
ANYway, the bride was gorgeous, the groom was handsome, everyone was happy, blah, blah, blah and now onto the FOOD!
First, there were candy bars and mini champagne bottles on every other plate. I selected a candy bar plate!
There was also a platter of mysterious cheeses. Don’t be scared! JD tried each one so you don’t have to, and found them to be not only mysterious but delicious.
A bottle of vodka on every table.
The “House of Food”! Except it was more like a House of Scary Meats and Questionable Cheeses. Mmmm — is that a rib cage I see?
See that big round white thing? A cheese.
The meats of Poland!
Is head cheese a meat or a cheese? It really doesn’t matter, because who in their right mind would eat that?
As we started our delicious dinner (no photos), I anxiously eyed the dessert table. Surely after we ate, there would be a mad run on desserts. What if they ran out? I hate waiting in line! I want my desserts now!
My plate of desserts, which sat on the table, untouched, then traveled home with me on a paper plate covered in napkins, then sat in the fridge overnight, after which I promptly forgot about them.
As we watched the happy bride and groom on the dance floor, I sighed to Dave, “I wanna get married again.” “OK!” he said, more enthusiastically than I would’ve imagined. I continued excitedly, “We can renew our vows on the beach!”
“Oh, I thought you meant you wanted to marry someone else.”
“. . .”
I’m more than a little disturbed by that enthusiastic “OK!” I bet Gabriel Byrne wouldn’t let me marry anyone else.
Polish wedding DVD came from here