I Went to a Nude Beach

Come my little peach,
Together we’ll go down to nude beach . . .*

bandaid-on-foot-on-nude-beach.JPG

“What spirit is so empty and blind, that it cannot recognize the fact that the foot is more noble than the shoe, and skin more beautiful than the garment with which it is clothed?”

—Michelangelo

Clearly Michelangelo has never been to a nude beach.

I’ve read that the people you see on a nude beach are the same people you see at Wal-Mart. So if you’re like Dave, you’ll be disappointed not to see a bunch of tall and tan and young and lovelies (unless you go to Ipanema). If you’re like me, you’ll feel right at home.

Dave and I recently went to an all-inclusive resort in Negril, Jamaica, where, in addition to the big, beautiful, white-sand main beach, there was a dinky seaweed-covered strip of sand hidden by shrubbery on one side and a fence on the other. Dave was fascinated. I was . . . flabby. Of course we knew about the nude beach before booking our trip (it was, in fact, one of the reasons we chose this particular resort), so it’s not like I wasn’t prepared. But I’m realistic. Even 3 months on my self-styled “Nude Beach Diet” wasn’t going to make me feel completely comfortable.

We got to the beach. And . . . there were naked people there! Nay-ked! Dave’s main concern was that of every healthy, normal, naked male who finds himself surrounded by naked women—I’m sure I don’t need to spell it out for you. Suffice it to say that suntan lotion was applied most carefully. My main concern, as a woman, was not focused on any one part of my anatomy but rather all of it. Regardless, I hauled my Wal-Mart ass to a chair and began to strip.

I felt surprisingly good. This naked thing was kind of fun. It was nice not to have to keep tugging my bottoms down or adjusting my top. It was all hanging out already. And maybe, as I liked to tell myself, the chub looks better when it’s allowed to swing free rather than being squeezed out of the confines of a swimsuit.

The nude beach had its own bathrooms and bar. The bartender was clothed and, I’m sure, more than accustomed to seeing these crazy white naked people. For all his initial bravado, Dave felt it necessary to go to the bar and the bathroom with a towel slung casually over his shoulder. Mind you, it didn’t cover anything, but it made him feel less nude. For all of my initial nervousness, I was just all nude, all the time.

We later found out that “clothies” (our derisive term coined not 10 seconds after flinging our clothes onto a tree branch) are actually referred to by nudists as “textiles.”

It was a small group. And, yes, most of them were Wal-Mart people, except for a nice-looking and completely (and I do mean completely) hairless British guy and his “harem” of 2 pretty young women, one of whom we dubbed “Third Wheel.” At one point, Dave said, “Third Wheel stood up and I checked out her ass. Is that OK?” I was too busy discreetly gawking (oxymoron?) behind my mirrored sunglasses at an attractive older man who’d just arrived. How did he get his balls so tan?

I never knew I could be so interested in and curious about other human bodies. Look at that old skinny guy! And that lady over there . . . whoa! Does mine do that? I know it’s not polite and definitely goes against nude beach etiquette, but I couldn’t help staring. If anyone stared back, I didn’t notice. I guess if I were in my 20s or 30s not being stared at would bother me. At 46, I’m simply grateful.

We wanted to go in the water. That, to me, was the appeal of a nude beach. Floating in the clear blue ocean, unencumbered by a clingy suit. But to get to the water, we had to pass (naked) through the steady stream of tourists, hotel employees, and ganja salesmen walking along the beach. You see, between our little patch of nude heaven and the water was the “main drag,” where people from all the resorts walked. And gawked. The thought of dashing (naked) through those walking, gawking, clothed people to splash awkwardly into the water was unappealing. But we worked up our courage. I don’t know if Dave was screaming, but I was—in sheer terror and joy.

Woooooooo!!! We’re naked! Screw you, textiles!

And this is just Part 1. In Part 2, you get to hear about my Haulover Allover.

If you want to go to a nude beach

Don’t

    freak out over how you look. It’s not a beauty contest, it’s naked time! Have fun with a new experience and revel in the sun on your body and the sand up your butt.

Do

      find an

online forum

      either on the resort’s site or a travel site like

Trip Advisor

      and read what people are saying.

 

Don’t

      plan on taking pictures. Even of yourselves. We did take a few pix on the regular beach where some women went topless. I wanted a picture of me, topless but from behind, arms stretched out in celebration of my free spirit. Uh, bad idea. Even after heavy Photoshopping, that picture will never see the light of day.

 

Do make eye contact and conversation. Nudos are a friendly bunch.

Don’t stare, point, drool, or make innapropriate comments.

Do apply suntan lotion. This can be done in full view of everyone to ALL parts of the body (you don’t want to burn your bits).

Don’t indulge in PDA. Remember how grossed out you were by that couple making out in the movie theater? Now imagine them naked.

And remember: No one cares what you look like. Except me. If I’m there, I’ll be gawking.

* Today’s lyrics are courtesy of the B52s

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18 Comments


18 Responses to “I Went to a Nude Beach”

  1. 1 Andrew Moorhouse

    What a fun article JD!

    You have a great sense of humour!! Loved reading of your experiences. It’s really quite the different experience than you expect, heh.

    Thanks for sharing.

  2. 2 JD

    Thanks, Andrew! I appreciate the comment. I liked your article Nude at the Day Spa. Maybe my husband and I will head out to Australia for our next nude excursion!

  3. 3 Tim

    I’m very glad you went to the nude beach, because I never want to have to do that myself! Once again, you have spared me….

  4. 4 JD

    Tim: I am going again in February, so you are spared for the year 2008 as well. Not sure yet about 2009, so you may want to start planning your nude beach debut.

  5. 5 RT Cunningham

    Been there, done that. Except… it was at Blacks Beach (I’m not even sure if that’s the real name) in San Diego, CA circa 1982. Everyone looked better in southern California back then. Or maybe I just had raging hormones (I was 21 or 22).

  6. 6 JD

    RT: I’ve never heard of Blacks Beach, but please don’t tell my husband about it, or that will be our next vacation destination.

    I bet if you were to return today, the people wouldn’t look quite as great. Unless your hormones are still raging, that is!

  7. 7 cardiogirl

    Oh.

    My.

    God.

    JD.

    I am SO THANKFUL you went nude so I didn’t have to.

    Favorite, favorite, favorite line:

    I wanted a picture of me, topless but from behind, arms stretched out in celebration of my free spirit. Uh, bad idea.

    cardiogirl’s last blog post..I win! I beat Britney, Justin and Delta to the Psych Ward!

  8. 8 JD

    Cardiogirl: You cannot imagine how different my imagined picture looked from the real thing. It was rather shocking. Even after Photoshopping.

    JD’s last blog post..I Am Easily Annoyed so you don’t have to be

  9. 9 art brighton

    We have a nudist beach in Brighton UK, but it is always filled with old men. Plus because it is a pebble beach they ahve to wear shoes, so they are naked except for running shoes. When it gets cold they wear jackets, but keep naked from the waist dwon. all rather odd.

  10. 10 JD

    art brighton: HA! Yes, they’re tenacious, aren’t they. Keep as much naked as possible. I saw a similar thing at a nude beach in Toronto. It wasn’t cold, but there were a fair number of older gents, many of them inexplicably in shoes and T-shirts and carrying their wallets. Not a great look. Thanks for stopping by!

  11. 11 raj

    hey you motivated me to go nude completely atleast once.. am gona try this today

  12. 12 DestinVisitorGuide

    I went once to a nude beach! Wasn’t quite what i was expecting :( Only old people and things that i never want to see again :) A very rough experience!

  13. 13 JD

    DestinVisitorGuide: Clearly you went on a day when I wasn’t there.

  14. 14 foolery

    I’ve been on a clothing optional beach. Unfortunately, while my brand-new husband was there, so were five other family members, including The Parentals. Being naked bother me less than running into people I know on the beach, in any stage of undress!

    This was hilarious, JD.

  15. 15 Chad

    Loved this post, what a riot!!!

    I blog about travel some of it being “all natural”.

    Chad
    .-= Chad´s last blog ..Romantic Travel help for the fellows… =-.

  16. 16 Attilla

    I can’t believe so many people don’t know about nudism – it boggles the mind.

    Think Fat Man, one who loves the beach, loves to swim, hates sand in his drawers. Instant nudist, sand gone, and I dry wrinkle free . . . well, not really – I’m one of the old men. I have 5 Children, from 42 to 11 . . . I became a nudist to get away from much of that. Unfortunately, ‘that’ followed me. Never felt better. Nude, in fact, as I post this . . .

  17. 17 JD

    foolery: Oh, my god. I couldn’t do the nude beach thing with friends, never mind FAMILY! NEVER NEVER NEVER! It’s gotta be just me and Dave and strangers. Or preferably no one.

    Chad: Thank you! It’s hard to write a post about nudism that ISN’T a riot, in my opinion.

    Attilla: I agree: sunbathing in the nude solves so many pesky problems. Aaaand, thanks for letting us know you posted your comment in the nude!

  1. 1 bloggingzoom.com

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