I Welcome the Living Dead

Hey, what’s that sound, spin around
Who dat?

Normal person’s prayer:

Dear ____: Please keep me and my loved ones safe, healthy, and happy. Please end all the wars and natural disasters and bring peace to the land.

JD’s prayer:

Dear ____: Please keep me and my loved ones safe, healthy, and happy. Please end all the wars and natural disasters and bring peace to the land.

Oh, and please let me live long enough to see the day when zombies rule the earth. Amen.

How many nights have I dreamt that I would awaken the next morning, shuffle into my office, and turn on the morning news to hear:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I repeat, they are eating the flesh of the living!”

None. None nights. Because, you see, I don’t watch the morning news. The dream really goes like this: I shuffle into my office, turn on the computer, and read the CNN headline on my home page:

Tell the people for God’s sake to get off the streets! Tell them to go home and lock their windows and doors up tight! We don’t know what kind of murder-happy characters we have here!

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

I welcome the zombie apocalypse. Oh, it’s coming. Whether it will come in my lifetime is what worries me. You know it would stir things up around here. Separate the men from the boys, the fast from the slow, the living from the dead. Put things into perspective. Maybe Charles Gibson could interview a zombie. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, a zombie attack would unite this crazy country.

This isn’t the Republicans versus the Democrats, where we’re in a hole economically . . . or we’re in another war. This is more crucial than that. This is down to the line, folks, this is down to the line. There can be no more divisions among the living!

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

How about a little love for our undead brethren? Because, really, deep down, aren’t we all zombies? The living dead aren’t so very different from the living alive; we just move a little faster, have better skin tone, and don’t crave brains . . . much.

They are us.

Day of the Dead (1985)

Zombies are really misunderstood. To me, a zombie is kinda like that bad boy in high school, and I’m the only one who understands him—the only one who can change him. I see myself facing down the head zombie: He stops in his tracks, tilts his head with a kind of vague understanding, looks at me with a glimmer of intelligence, and then shoots himself between the eyes before he kills again.

Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies?

Shaun of the Dead

Can you freaking imagine if corpses started reanimating and lurching around? I mean, seriously! Think about it! Think about just kind of standing around a corpse, as you do, and all of the sudden, it gets up. If your first reaction isn’t “COOL, MAN!” then maybe you’re the zombie.

The problem doesn’t seem to be that people are waking up dead, but that dead people are waking up.

Diary of the Dead

The medical experts would be stymied. They’d try to blame it on lupus or nuclear waste or Hillary Clinton. You’d see some doctor on CNN, talking about puffer fish and tetrodotoxin and suddenly Anderson Cooper would just lean over and eat his brain.

So what seems to be the problem, doc?

Believe it or not—zombies!

Zombie Strippers!

But what if it all somehow goes terribly wrong and zombies do start actually wreaking havoc and killing everyone? I’m not worried. I bought this

and taped to my office door.

Zombie, zombie, zombie, ee, ee, ee, eh, eh, oh, oh, oh

The Cranberries

When the zombie apocalypse comes—and it WILL come—y’all know where to go. I can fit maybe 20 people in my office. Bring your own bottled water and Twinkies.

If You Want to Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse:

_____________________________

They’re coming for you, humor-bloggers!

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47 Comments


47 Responses to “I Welcome the Living Dead”

  1. 1 Daisy the Curly Cat

    The one thing that I do not really enjoy about zombies is they have no fashion sense.

    Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..Fashion Friday: My Two-Piece Outfit

  2. 2 Wayne

    Ok, no mention of Rob Zombie forces me to leave this meaningless comment with with the only noun being a man named after a zombie.

    Actually, I can expound on that a little. Wouldn’t you think that Rob Zombie would be elected President if zombies were able to vote? I mean, there must be a whole legion of zombies that double or even triple our current living numbers.

    When they come, they will rule the world, so thank you for giving them such a nice welcome so I didn’t have to.

  3. 3 Woody

    Do they have memories of their life before they were zombied? Zombified? Had a zombilism? If so, there are a couple of zombies that I really wouldn’t want to run into!!

  4. 4 Jaffer

    I’d like to reserve a spot in your Zombie Shelter – just in case.

    I do think Zombies are misunderstood especially when I see them march in my city raising money for charity.

    Yes they don’t know how to dress – I asked one to fix her hair and she spat blood (silly string) on me. LOL !

    Jaffer’s last blog post..The last ten nights of Ramadan

  5. 5 Athena

    Please put me down for a reservation in the Zombie Shelter as well, please.

    While I don’t exactly share your enthusiasm for the living dead, it would be pretty sweet to watch Anderson Cooper devour some brains.

    Athena’s last blog post..How to look totally crazy just to win a camera – in three easy steps!

  6. 6 Meg

    What I want to know is whether you did some research for this post or whether you’ve actually seen all those movies.

    Either way–impressive!

    Meg’s last blog post..Not Quite Hot Enough?

  7. 7 Angi

    Ooh, I’d like a room in your zombie shelter as well, please.

    I hope you’re arming it with baseball bats and crowbars because everyone knows those are really the only two useful weapons in a zombie attack…

    Shaun of the Dead = great movie.

    Angi’s last blog post..Friday Freak Show: Hey, Baby Daddy!

  8. 8 dcr

    The zombie apocalypse will be nothing like the movies. In fact, the zombie apocalypse has already begun and zombies in prominent positions have financed those zombie movies so people won’t even realize zombies are already running things!

    They’ve secured positions of power in Congress, as well as in the governments of many other countries. They run the media too. And, they’re all over Hollywood. Why do you think plastic surgery is so popular? Look at some of the bad face lifts and stuff you see on celebrities. You think those people are trying to look younger? NO! They are trying to look alive! You see their eyebrows up in the middle of their forehead and you laugh at their plastic surgery, but really the joke is on you because you completely overlooked the fact their skin is painted in lively flesh tones!

    So, go on. Build your little zombie shelter. It’s already too late. The zombies are already here, unliving amongst us.

    dcr’s last blog post..C’mon, Get Happy!

  9. 9 Jamie

    I always likes zombie movies. And then I got another disease – playing zombie games. There are many of them and you can find them online all the time. There is something special in fighting those brain eating monsters, especially if they are more aggressive then usual.

    Jamie’s last blog post..Waverly Curtains

  10. 10 Jay

    Hahaha! You know you’re completely nuts, don’t you? LOL!

    I like Terry Pratchett’s zombies. They’re really quite useful members of society except … bits keep falling off them. They have to keep their own Igors to sew them back together again.

    Jay’s last blog post..Photo Friday – Spontaneous!

  11. 11 Regan

    I call one of those spots! I welcome the zombie apocalypse, too. And I will bring bottled water for everyone. Or I will bring lots of bottled water just for me. And don’t worry – I’ll definatly bring my own snacks.

    IDEA! We can make zombie shelter in a supermarket! They have tons of food, and in most, bakeries! Which means OVENS! Dare I say this, Wal Mart would be a good choice because they have microwaves and clothes, too. And much more. I don’t like Wal Mart, but I would survive there if the zombie apocaylpse came.

  12. 12 Babs - beetle

    I’ve never seen any zombie movies. The only thing I’ve seen is Michael Jackson’s Thriller and I found that a tad scary when it first came out ha ha! I would neeeeed a shelter please ;)

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Don’t listen to Babs!

  13. 13 Stephanie Barr

    I have also never seen a zombie movie. On the other hand, I work with civil servants every day.

    I may have already lived your scenario. After a few meetings, I feel like my brain is at least half gone…

    Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..What’s Wrong with Our Manned Space Program, Part 1

  14. 14 Kathy

    Save a spot for me in the shelter if there’s room left. Thank you for providing links to excellent tutorials on zombies. I had no idea you could kill one if you chopped of its head. I get such an education here at I Do Things. Now where’s my ax?

    Kathy’s last blog post..There’s Always a First Time

  15. 15 Carrie

    Bring on the zombies!

    Carrie’s last blog post..You gotta fight. For your right. To serve this country?

  16. 16 Tim

    Mondays I see a lot of zombies, but they come back to life by noon usually. I hold off on the crowbars till the afternoon just to make sure.
    Must be nice to have the office close enough to shuffle to!

    Tim’s last blog post..I Do Things Like Send JD a Gift Basket!

  17. 17 ann of the cellphone bag

    Thank you for raising my zombie awareness. Walmart sounds like a good option for my family, since it is a SuperCenter and only 5 minutes from our house. However, the last time I shopped there, I believe that I was surrounded by actual zombies, masquerading as shoppers. They shuffled along pushing their carts in a uncoordinated fashion, making my own store navigation a nightmare. On second thought, I’ll just come to your house with axes and water.

  18. 18 JD

    Daisy the Curly Cat: You are so right about that. I hope if you ever encounter a zombie, you can give him or her some good fashion tips.

    Wayne: Oh, boy. If I started talking about Rob Zombie, I’d have to go into my love for Devil’s Rejects. And that would be a whole ‘nother post. But you’re absolutely right: Rob Zombie would be president—nay, KING of the zombies.

    Woody: I think science and movies have shown us that zombies do remember a little bit about their former lives (that’s why they all head to the mall in Dawn of the Dead). So watch out. Your zombie past may be coming to GET you!

    Jaffer: You got it. And I hope you didn’t get any of that zombie blood in your mouth or eyes. Have you been feeling strange lately?

    Athena: Your reservation has been approved. And, yes, Anderson Cooper might lead the Zombie Media Forces, although there are certainly some news people whose brains I’d like to see get EATEN!

    Meg: HA! I can happily say I’ve seen all these movies (and more!) except Zombie Strippers!, which, after reading the synopsis, is now in my Netflix queue (along with Zombie Holocaust and I Drink Your Blood).

    Angi: OK, that’s 3 spots taken! 16 left. Yes, we’ll have plenty of baseball bats and crowbars. If I can get my hands on a crossbow, I will.

    dcr: God, that’s actually quite terrifying! Have you written the screenplay yet? Because this would be an AWESOME zombie movie! If you could get people like Michael Jackson, David Gest, Greta van Sustern to star, you’d have a hit! And then, people would understand the true zombie situation.

    Jay: I may be nuts, but I WILL BE PREPARED! OK, now I have to find out who Terry Pratchett is. . . ooh! Looks interesting. Thanks for the tip!

    Regan: You got it, Regan! You know I’ll always make room for you. I’m glad you’re onboard with the whole zombie apocalypse. I may need you as one of my henchmen. And, YES! I can always un-tape my Zombie Shelter sign and move it to a supermarket. What a great idea. Your suggestion of WalMart is excellent. Or maybe we can do like they did in Dawn of the Dead and just take over an entire shopping mall? We need to work on the details . . .

    Babs – beetle: You’re in. And I hate to tell you, but most real zombies don’t do choreographed dancing.

    Stephanie Barr: Your life is a zombie movie. Maybe not one of the gorier ones, tho. You’d better book a spot in my shelter, just to be safe.

    Kathy: Oooh, the shelter is filling up! Well, not really. There are what, 6 of us? Anyway, yes, please bring an ax if you can find one. Guns are good, but less interesting.

    Carrie: YEAH! Now you’re talking.

    Tim: Yes, well, it’s a home office, so there’s never really any need to break into a full walk. I do a lot of shuffling. And you’re very smart to keep that crowbar handy. ONE OF THESE DAYS, those zombies will NOT come back to life.

    ann of the cellphone bag: Your WalMart doesn’t sound like a safe option. See, the zombies of the new millennium are getting very clever (see dcr’s comment above). There’s still room in my shelter, and as long as we have axes, crowbars, and water, we’ll be fine.

  19. 19 Mackey

    Oh I have the site for you.
    It’s called “Survive the Outbreak”
    U think u can handle Zombies?
    Check it out.
    You get to decide what you would do next in a situation where zombies are coming. Your decisions determine your survival.
    I died at my second choice=P
    Good luck!

    http://www.survivetheoutbreak.com/

    Mackey’s last blog post..Friday Fiver

  20. 20 kathcom

    With the state of the nation and the world right now, a zombie uprising sounds like a breath of fresh air.

    Lincoln could come back and disown the Republican party. One of McCain’s war buddies could talk about how good he was at crashing planes and how that might be a bad omen for his economic policy.

    God, the possibilities are endless. I feel better already.

    kathcom’s last blog post..Open for Business!

  21. 21 Luxor

    I am so there in your Zombie Shelter – can someone bring some cat food along? (I like Stinky Goodness.) ;-)

    Luxor’s last blog post..A rerun

  22. 22 Fancy

    I don’t like zombies. Stephen King made them seem all too real in “Cell”. Did you read that? If not, you should. It’ll freak you out. Which it seems to me that you might enjoy!

    Fancy’s last blog post..Monkeys

  23. 23 chat blanc

    saaaaave me!!! I’m creeped out by zombies mainly because they’re so unhygienic. I mean, eeewww, shower your undead ass once in a while would ya!!

    chat blanc’s last blog post..The death of chocolate!

  24. 24 JD

    Mackey: Oh, man, that was FUN! I was so sure I’d live, but, nope. I died after my 4th choice, I think. Damn! Thanks for the link. Everyone! Go play!

    Jamie: Ooh, I gotta look up more of these zombie games. What are some of your favorites?

    kathcom: Wow, you are really taking this to the next level. I hadn’t even thought of Zombie Lincoln coming back, but that would be awesome.

    Luxor: No problem. And don’t worry about the catfood. My cats only eat Stinky Goodness.

    Fancy: Yes! I read Cell! And you’re right: It freaked me out, and I enjoyed it. I think there’s s’posed to be a movie coming out soon . . .

    chat blanc: Do you think they’d be less scary if they were clean and smelled like a field of roses? Maybe then we could really learn to love our zombie brethren.

  25. 25 online money buzz

    This is a cool post. I am not a big fan of zombies because they are scary but list of zombie movies are cool. I love shaun of the dead. Its hilarious. I didnt see 28 days later or is it 28 weeks later. That was a really scary zombie movie.

    online money buzz’s last blog post..Earn Free Money and Prizes Online

  26. 26 Natural

    I’m too scared to comment. If I have a nightmare, I’m calling you, JD.

    The lord is my shepard and I will not be afraid as long as my weapon is loaded.

    Natural’s last blog post..Do Excuses Negate Responsibility?

  27. 27 JD

    online money buzz: I agree, Shaun of the Dead is hilarious. I didn’t mention the “28″ movies here because there has been some argument over whether the “undead” are truly zombies. Either way, they are SCARY! (and fast.)

    Natural: Scared? Of zombies? Oh ho ho. There is nothing to fear from our undead friends. Besides, there’s still room at my Zombie Shelter. C’mon over!

  28. 28 Sunshine

    The mention of zombies triggers this earworm for me… I thought I would share! In case you have not heard it, here is a great song about Zombies by Jonathan Coulton. Can I reserve a spot too, please?

    http://www.jonathancoulton.com/2006/03/24/thing-a-week-26-re-your-brains/

    The song is Re Your Brains

    (and it’s free)

  29. 29 The Hawg

    That’s honestly one of the oddest posts I’ve read from you in some time. Of course, I enjoyed it.

    Ah, but I’m going to do you one better. My wife is reading this series of books about a vampire who falls in love with a human. I swore to trump that by writing a story about a zombie-werewolf-vampire-Martian-ghost-Nazi.

    She told me such a ghoul just isn’t possible because vampires and werewolves are mortal enemies and there’s some trouble with a creature being both a zombie (undead) and a ghost (plain old dead), too.

    I didn’t realize we had strict guidelines to follow when dealing in the realm of fiction.

    At any rate, top that fictional critter if you can…

    The Hawg’s last blog post..The Hawg’s cat naming skills are rendered useless

  30. 30 JD

    Sunshine: I’m listening right now! Awesome! “Here’s an FYI, You’re all gonna die—screaming”! HA! Thanks for turning me on to this guy. He’s hilarious. And it’s a good song! The comments are just as great. Cool!

    The Hawg: Hmmm, boy, I don’t think I can do it. She’s right, tho. Monsters have strict guidelines, too, just like people. How about a Nazi zombie-werewolf-cyclops-Godzilla-Creature from the Black Lagoon? I don’t think I’m breaking any rules with that one . . . ?

  31. 31 Scratch Bags

    Do you know that I Do Things is ‘ Blog of the Day’ on Fuel My Blog? No you don’t know?

    Okay now that you know, pass me the cake please.

    Scratch Bags’s last blog post..Mighty Mouse or Nimble Pen?

  32. 32 Dee

    I had breakfast with two zombies this morning! No, wait, that was my kids…

    Dee’s last blog post..Carnival

  33. 33 Hosting

    This is a cool post. but, wahhh! I hate zombies :S

    I’m always scared about dream with zombies.

    Regards,

    Hardy Hernandez
    Mejor Hosting

  34. 34 Bucky

    I anxiously await the zombies.

    Bucky’s last blog post..A Package From Georgia

  35. 35 Maureen

    Aw, crap… real zombies don’t dance? And here I was going to hide in their midst when the they took over the world. (back row, on the left)

    Dammit! I thought I was all set since I still have my 1980′s red and black jumpsuit and I’ve been told I dance like a zombie…

    Maureen’s last blog post..Cat Scan

  36. 36 Donna

    My first experience at killing zombies happened when I was pregnant. My best friend was Freddy Krueger and, using a pack of smokes, I smashed heads like there was no tomorrow….oh, yeah, there probably wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t smashed heads. Well anyway, Freddy was my “look out man” and we were an awesome team. [I had serious badass dreams when I was pregnant - it was either the hormones or the cold turkey from smoking] So, you can bet that I’ll be there….donuts anyone?

    Donna’s last blog post..Menopause Or Is It “MANOPAUSE”

  37. 37 JD

    Scratch Bags: WOO! Thanks for pointing that out! I gotta get more active in Fuel My Blog. And . . . here is your cake!

    Dee: It can be hard to tell the difference. Did they seem to want brains instead of cereal? That’s one way to know.

    Hosting: Hmmm. Thank you! Don’t hate the zombie! He can’t help being undead. He did not ASK to be reanimated. But you’re right to be scared about zombie dreams, because . . . they can still GET YOU in your dreams.

    Bucky: You and me both, my friend.

    Maureen: Well, maybe you’ll just have to update your dance style to a more shuffling, shambling lurch. Or are you telling me that’s what you do now? If so, you’re all set! (Please wear your red and black jumpsuit to the Zombie Shelter.)

    Donna: Ooh, please bring donuts! But I’m afraid the Shelter is a no-smoking zone, so I hope that won’t be a problem for you. If it is, at least we might all be entertained by your weird dreams.

  38. 38 fracas

    Quick… A few days ago, I nominated you at FMB for Blog of the Day, and today, you’re it. Go check out the page here:

    http://www.fuelmyblog.com/index.jsp?l=blog

    If you miss it, I took a screen cap for you. Let me know.

    XO

    Now I can go read this post. Thanks in advance for the dead thing… I hate having to welcome the living dead so I can hardly wait to read how you do it for me.

    fracas’s last blog post..Will you ’survive’ if you don’t see Marcus Lehman’s penis?

  39. 39 Florida Girl In Sydney

    Maybe we need to buy some foreclosures in Florida (I heard they’re selling them cheap :) — ya know, for additional zombie shelters.

    Florida Girl In Sydney’s last blog post..Flip Flop Friends with Benefits

  40. 40 Hosting

    hehehehe, JD good analysis ;)

  41. 41 kouji

    i love zombie films like crazy… but zombie strippers? good grief. :O

    kouji’s last blog post..haiku poem: others (about me)

  42. 42 JD

    fracas! Yes! I saw! Thank you so much! Scratch Bags (above) alerted me to the awesome news. I always thought the “Blog of the Day” was just random; I didn’t realize you could nominate people. That’s so cool of you. And I hoped you learned a lot about zombies today.

    Floriday Girl in Sydney: That’s not a bad idea. Actually, I think I’d rather hang out in a Florida zombie shelter than a Midwest one. Winter’s coming, you know.

    Hosting: Thanks. You know where to go for all your zombie news and needs.

    kouji: Zombie strippers don’t sound too appealing to me either. But you can be assured that movie is in my Netflix queue!

  43. 43 Corrina

    I took a quiz once that told me how likely I was to eat my friends in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse. I would rather not eat my friends, so I hope your prayers aren’t ever answered. LOL

    Corrina’s last blog post..My Hotness Is Fierce

  44. 44 kouji

    indeed. maybe i’ll give zombie strippers a try. :D running out of survival horror flics to watch. :(

    kouji’s last blog post..halimbawa ng haiku

  45. 45 JD

    Corrina: YES! I’ve taken that quiz too. I, too, displayed a rather disturbing readiness to eat my friends. But I just always assumed I’d stay human during a zombie apocalypse!

    kouji: It’s not actually available yet, but if you have Netflix you can save it. I may even review it once I watch it . . . so you don’t have to.

  46. 46 the super bongo

    Thank you for your great zombie entry!!! Absolutely what I needed today!

    the super bongo’s last blog post..Ennui

  47. 47 JD

    the super bongo: You are welcome! Zombies always cheer me up.


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