. . . I just love to watch the celebrities. The squirm-inducing red carpet interviews, the hair do’s and don’ts, the dresses, the tuxes, even the boring speeches. I can easily bring myself to tears imagining my own acceptance speech. Seriously. I can’t cry at a funeral, but lying on my sofa in front of the TV, imagining myself in a sparkly gown and fantastic updo, I can bawl off and on for hours.
Anyway, I watched “The Golden Globes” in real time, which meant enduring over 7,000 commercials for He’s Just Not That Into You and at least 5,000 L’Oreal commercials, just to bring you my exclusive “Golden Globes: Hot or Not?” post.
Hot or Not? (in no particular order):
Salma Hayek: Probably the hottest of the lady celebrities (resists urge to make innappropriate Golden Globes joke). Ladies, you want a boob job? Take this picture to your plastic surgeon. Accept nothing less.
Old Benjamin Button: Not hot. Young Benjamin Button: STILL not hot. How do you like that, Brad? I don’t think you’re hot. Maybe if you hadn’t left your wife for Pointy McElbowsons, I’d be a little more tolerant. (Go, Team Jen!)
Mickey Rourke: Uhhh. Man, he used to be so hot, right? Talking about what did or didn’t happen to his face is old news. To pull off his outfit of non-conventional tuxedo with sparkly scarf and chunky highlights, I’ll have to go with hot.
(When did Pierce Brosnan start talking like James Mason. Also? Not that hot.)
Shirley Maclaine: I’m going to bestow a title of Honorary Hotness on ol’ Shirl, but seriously. Who told her to wear Zac Efron‘s hair?
Jon Hamm: Hot—but only as Don Draper. And it sucks he didn’t win. Still, he was up against Hugh Laurie (hot, but only as House), so unless there was a tie and the two of them ended up making out, I s’pose it’s all for the best.
Johnny Depp: Hot! He’s hot! He’s the hottest hottie who ever hotted (Please, Johnny Depp fans! Don’t hurt me!)
Robert Downey Jr. Usually hot, but not tonight. Wearing sunglasses inside is only cool if you’re doing a lot of coke OR if you’re Mickey Rourke, who probably did do a fair amount of coke before this show. And speaking of coke . . .
Colin Farrell: HOT. Except when he does that fake-gum-chewing thing. Not hot? Making jokes to explain why he’s sniffling: “I’ve got a cold. It’s not the other thing it used to be.” Colin! Kate Winslet’s children are watching!
Tina Fey: (faints from the hotness)
Jonathan Rhys Meyers: I can never decide if he’s baked or just wants to kill me. I also can’t decide if he’s hot or not.
Tracy Morgan: Funny is always hot.
Paul Giamatti: Wait for it . . . yes . . . he’s HOT! I know! What kind of crazy world do we live in?
Sandra Bullock: Kind of hot, but what’s she done recently? She makes one of my most-hated faux pas by pronouncing “Barcelona” the Spanish way—Barthelona. Leave that for Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz, Sandy.
Sting: Hot. Sting’s beard: Not hot. Nice jacket, tho.
Renee Zelwegger: Between the old lady hair and see-through top (which reveals . . . a flesh-colored corset?): not hot.
David Duchovny: Some residual hotness from his Mulder days.
Don Cheadle: Another hot baldie! But stop complaining about not being in a Coen brothers film, Cheads. Haven’t you been in, like, every other movie?
Did you watch “The Golden Globes”? Who were your favorites? Did I miss anyone? And what about me? Hot or not?