Stud hunters, c‘mon, drop your pants
Stud hunters, here’s your big chance
I know Stud Hunters sounds like a reality show where teams of TV fame-whores vie to find the stud of their dreams and then shoot him in the head BUT! it’s actually a porno movie from those sex-ay folks at online adult toy store Eden Fantasys. Thanks, y’all!
I chose to review this particular film because it was described as being tasteful — porn-lite, if you will. If you won’t, then just imagine a naked Lifetime movie. But with a better-looking Tori Spelling. AND in the spirit of tastefulness, I’ve gone to great pains to avoid non-ladylike terminology, while still resisting “pee-pee” and “ta-ta’s”.
OK! My original plan was to screen this 83-minute opus for my movie club, Flix for Chix. Six chix were signed up, but one by one they dropped out. Suspicious! It reminded me of an old Dr. Seuss rhyme from my childhood:
Six chix like flix
Six chix fun mix
No chix get kix
No chix watch dix
So it was down to two brave chix: me and the hostess of the evening. When I arrived at her house, bearing enough snax for the original six chix, I found her 29-year-old son planted on the sofa.
Now, I am a huge fan of this guy, so I was delighted to see him. A third person! Maybe this movie night won’t be a blow-out after all. But . . .
Not gonna lie. Watching porn with your friend and her son is a bit weird.
Nevertheless, we were committed, the three of us, to watching this porno-lite so you don’t have to.
In order to protect everyone’s anonymity (including mine), all participants are referred to here by their “porn name.” Thus, I am Dixie Division (lame), my friend is Sue Fair (not bad), and her son is . . . wait for it . . .
No, really, WAIT FOR IT . . .
. . . Friar Longwood.
While I continue laughing my butt off, here’s a brief synopsis of Stud Hunters.
Director Carla Divine and her star, Giselle Lorgnette, search for the perfect stud for their upcoming erotic movie. Like Stud Hunters itself, THEIR movie will be made by women for women, full of soft glowy light and tasteful lovemaking scenes. A bunch of weirdos show up to audition, and things get HI-LARIOUSLY out of hand when stud applicants wander off to have tasteful glowy sex with various women. At the end, however, Carla gets her “revenge,” which involves having sex with ALL of the stud applicants.
Are you with me?
Here we go.
Scene 1. Carla and Giselle are on their way to the casting call for their erotic movie. Carla is on the phone with the forever-mysterious Stu. We know his name is Stu because she shouts it into the phone 100 times. We decide to take a drink every time someone says “STU!” but none of us drink and the “Stu” scene ends abruptly.
Friar: I watched The Changeling last night. Angelina Jolie was fantastic. This? Is a bit of a step down in terms of acting.
Carla and Giselle arrive at their audition site, which consists of a chair, a bare mattress, and a vaguely disturbing reporter whom Friar likens to a creepy Mexican George Carlin. The obligatory sexy yet innocent assistant, dressed in a schoolgirl skirt and glasses, rolls her eyes along with the three of us when Carla asks if THIS is her audition room.
Nine minutes in, we’ve finally got male frontal and backal (?) nudity, as the wannabe studs begin their auditions.
Marcus Oralious (geddit, geddit?) is promising. A seemingly homeless man announces he’s “here for da [insert crude name for lower lady part].” Johnny Taco recites a scene from A Streetcar Named Desire. Rod promises the director, “I can last and last and last.”
Friar: Not a lot of man-scaping going on, apparently.
At this point, Sue’s boyfriend comes downstairs, only to get an eyeful of bushy male frontal.
“What’re you guys watching?”
We ask him his porn name, and he’s surprisingly quick to answer: Blitz Laythrop! (Bwah! What is it with this family?) His phone rings, and he returns upstairs to answer it. “THIS IS BLITZ” the three of us scream after him.
The auditions continue, and next up is the break-out star of the movie: Grego!
Friar: I bet this guy’s agent asked him, “Hey, Greg, what do you want your actor name to be?” “Uh, I dunno. How ’bout Grego.”
One of the studs, Brian, acts out a scene with Giselle.
Giselle: “I don’t seem to have any money, delivery man.”
Brian: “Oh, that’s OK.”
Giselle: “Will you accept . . . a cup of coffee?”
Sue: Is she just flat-out reading the script?
Friar: No, it’s a scene-within-a-scene. Like Hamlet!
Brian strips down and snuggles with Giselle. Nothing gross or tacky. This is what women want! To be nuzzled by the naked delivery man in exchange for goods!
Friar: Still no sex! Oh, my god!
Sue: This is for women!
Friar: No, it’s awful! What’s the point?
Dixie: Needs more Stu!
Scene 2. We find Giselle in a weirdly lit room, reading Candide (of COURSE!). She’s sitting on a tiny sofa and, as you would imagine, there’s an upright bass in the corner. Brian comes in. They proceed to tastefully undress in this incredibly bright yet gauzy light that shows the sofa pattern on Giselle’s butt. Seriously, this is the kind of lighting used in alien movies when someone is floating up from their bed and out the window.
Brian tells Giselle, “I can tell by the way you read that script that you’d make a great mother.”
Dixie: Ha! This is baby-making sex!
Brian continues, “I’ve been thinking about settling down and having babies.”
Friar: This is DEFINITELY not for men!
They make out. Tastefully.
Friar: At least it’s not like a porn kiss where they’re all — AAAHHHGGG!!
Dixie: No, I don’t need to see that much tongue.
Sue: I don’t need to see this much MOUTH!
They finally get to it and proceed to have missionary sex for I KID YOU NOT half an hour. We fast-forward eighteen minutes, and they’re STILL doing it.
Sue crabs: They’re just gonna do missionary the whole time. They’re just going to keep pumping!
Dixie: Until they make a baby!
Meanwhile, another sex scene is about to go down (HAR!): an encounter between the schoolgirl assistant and a stud. I think this is Marcus.
Sue and Friar argue about getting a new universal remote.
Marcus kisses the schoolgirl’s butt.
Friar: So if you wanted to watch porn with your husband, would you watch this?
Sue: No! I just want to watch f*cking.
We decide to take a much-needed pumpkin pie break, and Friar volunteers a little too enthusiastically to go get it.
(OK, I’m leaving this following sentence exactly as I typed it):
Now schoolgirl is getting gone down on.
Sue: I hate it when they look up at you while they’re doing it.
Friar and Sue argue about Thanksgiving.
Sue: Is that missionary couple STILL going at it? Could it be she hasn’t had an orgasm yet?
Dixie: That is NOT what women want: 60 minutes of dry labor and nothing to show for it.
Scene 3. Stud and female reporter. This is somewhat edgier than the other scenes. There are clothespins. There is light slapping. The guy is called a “dirty pig.” No talk of making babies between these two. Our stud seems to be having a bit of a problem.
Finally, Giselle and Brian finish their missionary marathon and announce to the director that they are getting married and having babies.
“I’m quitting. I’ve found my stud.”
Friar, Sue, Dixie: STU!
Scene 4. Here comes the “director’s revenge.” It’s basically a fivesome, with Carla Divine at the center of a confusing jumble of limbs with Grego, Brian, Marcus, and Rod.
Slightly more hardcore non-babymaking sexual activities ensue with lots of toys including dildoes because apparently with four men there aren’t enough penises in the room.
Sue: Oh, yeah. Women love THAT. (Use your imagination here.)
Dixie: Wow, that looks gentle. Like he’s playing a banjo.
Friar: Whose foot is that?
Carla, doing some kind of naked Twister pose, moans, “Who’s that rubbing . . . [peeks down] . . . oh, it’s you!”
Friar dies of laughter: That line made this whole movie totally worth it!
Sue: This is not really hot.
Friar: No, it’s not.
Oh, and Stu apparently winds up in jail.
* * *
- 30% bad
- 30% hilarious
- 30% boring
Wait, that’s only 90%. Well, I think the remaining 10% goes to “Strongly disagree.” Would I recommend this movie? YES! For a fun girls’ night where everyone is drunk and in another room watching He’s Just Not That Into You. Seriously, Stud Hunters, like Sex Casino (see below), resulted in more uncomfortable giggling than actual sexual feelings. But for women who like a little romance with their (MISSIONARY) sex, this might be for you. The studs are good-looking, the women seem to have real boobs, and there are a few “so-bad-it’s-bad” laughs.
But how reliable am I? I watched it with my friend and her son. That may have skewed my reaction a bit.
A huge thanks to Sue and Friar. This would not have been NEARLY as much fun without you.
- BUY Stud Hunters here
- WATCH a clip of (soccer) stud Hunter here (He’s three, sickos)
- READ my review of sex-ay adult game Sex Casino here