I Was Saved By Firemen

You’re poison runnin’ through my veins

So I just discovered that there’s this thing called an “alarm” and it gets you out of bed!

Oh, STOOPID JD, I can hear you yell. Everyone knows that an alarm clock will wake you up.

Well, who’s stoopid now because it was NOT an alarm clock that got my lazy ass out of bed. It was a much more exciting method, one I will share with you now.

Wake Up the JD Way

Buy a carbon monoxide monitor and hang it on the ceiling in your hallway. Right outside your bedroom door.

Wait. Two years if necessary.

Finally, you will be rewarded with a strident chirp-chirp-chirp that will guarantee you wake up, most likely in a cold sweat as you try to figure out whether or not you’re dead from the fumes that must be filling the air or why would the damn monitor go off???

Ugh. The carbon monoxide monitor. We have two, and the basement one started chirping a few weeks ago. In my frustration, I simply opened all the windows and ripped it out of the wall.

Then the upstairs one started in. You might be wondering why I wasn’t worried about CO poisoning. Well, the cats were fine. Isn’t that how it works? If the small mammals don’t keel over, the larger ones are probably OK?

Also, we didn’t have the furnace on, so where was the source? After replacing the batteries, Dave actually took the damn monitor OUTSIDE, where it continued to chirp.

Finally, we just screwed it back in place and figured when it came time to turn on the heat, we’d have our answer.

But our answer came sooner than planned.

When the monitor went off at 4:30 AM, I, of course, pretended not to hear it. But once Dave was up, turning on all the lights and swearing loudly, it was hard to pretend to be asleep. But I did anyway. Only when I heard him calling the fire department did I bolt upright.

Because . . .

FIRE TRUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was like Christmas! I leapt out of bed and ran to the chimney . . . er, front window. Soon I was rewarded with the sight of the BIG kind of fire truck pulling up in front of our house. I was jumping up and down with excitement and terror and possible carbon monoxide poisoning. I even unwrapped Prudence from her burrito blanket so she could see, but she took off downstairs with Gus right behind her.

(Why didn’t I take any pictures? Because it was dark outside, and I may have had carbon monoxide poisoning.)

Three (3!) firemen came up the walk. I had begged Dave to lock the door so they would have to break it down with an ax, but he stubbornly refused.

Hmmm. None of them were cute. And they smelled. Not like fire and danger and chili but like stale clothes and morning breath. My fantasy was quickly deflating.

How It Went

Three boring firemen who stank walked around our house, looked at our monitor, and determined we had no levels of CO. Just a faulty device.

How It Should’ve Gone

Three hot and hunky firemen (think Jon Hamm, Gerard Butler, and Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn) break down our door and storm into our house. One of them (preferably Aragorn) scoops me up and carries me outside to safety. Thank god I’m wearing my flattering sweatpants! Dave is somehow absent from this version. Anyway, then all the neighbors come out to see what’s going on and bring me juice.

“MY CATS!” I scream before fainting. Then I wake up and stagger bravely to what used to be my front door but is now a shambles of broken wood and twisted metal.

“Ma’am, you’d better stay outside.” Except, wait, they don’t call me “Ma’am.”

“Miss, you’d better stay outside. We’ll find your cats.”

And they do! Is there a more rewarding sight than a fireman carrying a cat? Especially one that’s wrapped like a burrito? While Aragorn and Gerard Butler battle the CO poisoning or whatever, Jon Hamm lets me wear his fireman hat and gives me a ride in the truck, while my neighbors look on in envy.

The house is declared uninhabitable and I get to go live at the firehouse and slide up and down the pole all day. And yes, that IS a double entendre.

And, so, my friends, that is what you do in case of carbon monoxide poisoning.

*        *       *

But wait! This isn’t the only fireman-related story I have to share. The other one has even MORE firemen, MORE juice, and LESS flattering sweatpants! And photos! But you’ll just have to be patient.

_______________

Fireman came from here

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94 Comments


94 Responses to “I Was Saved By Firemen”

  1. 1 Ron

    “and I get to go live at the firehouse and slide up and down the pole all day. And yes, that IS a double entendre.”

    Bwhahahahahahahaha! Holy SMOKE, you KILL ME, girl!

    “one started chirping a few weeks ago. In my frustration, I simply opened all the windows and ripped it out of the wall.”

    Funny you should say that because last year the one in my apartment started to doing the same (I think it needed a new battery) and I finally got so frustrated, I RIPPED the front cover off and RIPPED out the battery, until I could replace it.

    Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

    Anyway, glad to hear it was just a faulty device. However, I loved your “How it should’ve gone” story – HA!
    .-= Ron´s last blog ..Does Size Really Matter =-.

  2. 2 Shieldmaiden1196

    Couple of things–one serious, the rest silly:

    1) CO is heavier than air. So its not as helpful as you’d think to have the upstairs monitor on the ceiling. Cause once that one is going off for reals, you are in deep and likely unconscious doo doo. You may want to move it to, say, socket level.

    2) Firefighter turnout gear: Imagine a quilted oven mitt. Imagine a quilted oven mitt covered in a piece of old canvas tent. Now expand that oven mitt until a six foot two 190 pound man (or a 250 pound man, if you have a volunteer department) can fit in it. Then imagine what it smells like when that man spends several hours sweating into the interior layer while the odor of flaming garages seeps into the old canvas tent layer. Add to that the fact that turnouts only get washed if they get soaking wet and filthy or soaked in bodily humours because they have to be washed in a special machine and then take like a week to dry and you have to snap the stinky layers all apart and back together again. Even my turnouts that I put my delicately-flowered self in are funky.

    Even so, the idea of Gerard Butler in them makes the back of my knees all sweaty, though the sad reality is, if in my department we tried to do one of those hot firemen calendars, we’d only make it to March or April, and that’s only if we photograph the twins seperately.
    .-= Shieldmaiden1196´s last blog ..202-549 =-.

  3. 3 Daisy the Curly Cat

    One of our smoke detectors kept chirping, too, so we took it down. We have about 15 other ones in the house, anyway. And why do they always malfunction at 3:30 am?

    I am not worried because I know just what to do in case of a fire/fire alarm: run under the bed and hide.
    .-= Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog ..Getting Ready for Halloween! =-.

  4. 4 Lauren

    ROFLMAO!!! hahahahahaha! If only the CO alarm went off at the same time as my alarm clock, but it prefers unleashing its bleeping, uh, er, beeping noise at the ungodly hour of 3 a.m. Every time the CO alarm starts beeping, we remove it from the ceiling, take out the batteries, hunt for said batteries, usually become distracted by other things, like sleep, and then forget to insert new batteries.

    However, the smoke alarm is useful. It beeps every time I need to clean the oven. My smoked chicken is superb!
    .-= Lauren´s last blog ..Mentamucil-The Natural Brain Laxative =-.

  5. 5 Jaffer

    I was rather hoping you were wearing your holey shorts instead of the sweatpants in your fantasy – err … our fantasy.

  6. 6 Stephanie Barr

    We’ve had a similar issue. We have a bunch of monitors all tied together so if one goes off, they all do. Oy! Lee found the flaky one and removed it and now the rest are behaving themselves.

    Any humorous story involving firemen automatically makes me think of this. I have no idea why.

    http://www.snopes.com/critters/disposal/catchday.asp
    .-= Stephanie Barr´s last blog ..What Moves You =-.

  7. 7 babs - beetle

    Oh poor JD! Smelly firemen?

    When I had cause to call them out once, I got six, yes six, big hunky firemen, come into my home and they were lovely and chatty too. Of course it was when I was young and slim. I doubt they’d spend time bothering to talk to me now :)
    .-= babs – beetle´s last blog ..I keep my promises! =-.

  8. 8 Kathy

    Hilarious! Love your fantasy, esp. Jon Hamm. He’s very yummy and I’m sure his suit would not be rank, no matter what Shieldmaiden says. In my dreams about him, he smells like cotton candy and chocolate chip cookies. Oh, wow. Viggo as Aragorn looks just like Jesus. That’s one hot Jesus.
    .-= Kathy´s last blog ..To Burp the Impossible Burp =-.

  9. 9 Flit

    So glad your critters are okay and sorry that your firemen stink.

    And loved your double entendre.

    And Stephanie’s link! If you didn’t follow it, go back and do it. Seriously.
    .-= Flit´s last blog ..Argh! =-.

  10. 10 Halomomma

    When I was like 11 or something, our fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. So I innocently open the door to what I hoped was my brothers room completely destroyed. But instead what I got was my father stark naked trying to rip the alarm apart. So thanks for reminding me of that! I also recommend moving to someplace with better looking firemen, I mean these things are IMPORTANT!!

  11. 11 seafoodpunch

    hahah! Hilarious as always. I dont know about sliding around on taht pole all day though. is that even healthy?!

    I was rescued by firemen once! I used a walmart raft in a river and ended up stranded on the other side of a bank slowling getting hyporthermia. These firemen wern’t hunky either, and i was forced to straddle one while shimmied over on a rope and shimmied back with me firmly attached to his belly. It smelled fishy, but it might have just been the water.
    .-= seafoodpunch´s last blog ..Warning- Bats are Terrible Kissers =-.

  12. 12 cardiogirl

    Wow, Viggo really does look like Jesus. Huh.

    I loved the idea of you running, like an excited kid, to the window to watch the firetruck arrive.

    Firemen are overrated, I think. You know the cute ones are gonna look awesome in the hat but as soon as it comes off you’re going to see the male-pattern baldness and then you’ll wish the hat was back in place.

    Regardless, that chirp is enough to drive you insane. (Haven’t had coffee since Saturday. Sorry if this is incoherent.)
    .-= cardiogirl´s last blog ..The book of questions- Volume 111 =-.

  13. 13 Florida Girl in Sydney

    This is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time… and in related news, I have several half-written blog posts about that insanely horrifying/annoying/torturous chirp, it’s like satan in a sound.

  14. 14 JD

    Ron: Hee! “Holy Smoke”! I see what you did there. I truly hate these things. Why don’t they work? Is it all just a scam to keep us buying more useless devices? At least with smoke detectors you can easily remove the batteries. CO detectors, you really do have to practically break it into a million pieces to get it to STOP.

    Shieldmaiden1196: Huh. I did not know that. I kind of wanted to get a plug-in monitor, but Dave said NO, they have to be on the ceiling. Now I have a good counter-argument. I am laughing out loud at your description of your fireman calendar. HA! “The twins.” Yeah, there is something about a fireman in his gear, but maybe the idea is not to get too close. Unless he’s Gerard Butler.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: That’s right, Daisy! That’s exactly what Pru and Gus do whenever the alarm goes off. We currently have NO monitors right now, but I also know for a fact we don not have any CO in the air.

    Lauren: We have the same situation with our smoke alarm, except we just ignore the “CLEAN OVEN NOW” warning, peer into its depths like we don’t know there’s a big glob of burned pizza cheese on the bottom, and shut the door. And run. After dismantling the smoke alarm.

    Jaffer: HA! Those holey shorts are long-gone, I’m afraid. Otherwise, you KNOW I would’ve worn them.

    Stephanie Barr: Oh, my gosh! Multiple bleeping alarms! That would drive me nuts. We only have two (now, zero), and that’s bad enough. It’s like a string of X-mas tree lights that all go out when there’s one bad bulb. (EDITED TO ADD): Flit pointed out your link, which I did indeed miss the first time. I think my brother sent me that story some time ago, and I thought it was about HIS cat, who is also named Rudy. It’s a great story. Thanks for sharing. EVERYONE! Read the link!

    babs – beetle: I know! I was like, Cool, firemen! Then . . . EW! Get outta my house! Wow, you must’ve been something to attract SIX hunky firemen. I bet you still would. Why not try it? (It’d make a great blog post!)

    Kathy: Yup. Is it wrong to say “hot Jesus”? If so, I don’t want to be right. To me Jon Hamm smells like (good) aftershave and whiskey, but then I’m probably thinking of Don Draper.

    Flit: Yes, the cats’ welfare is way more important than our own. And thank you for pointing out Stephanie’s link, which I did miss. HILARIOUS!

    Halomomma: Oh, gawd. I’m sorry I made that traumatic memory resurface. And you’re so right about finding a better fireman town. I’m on it.

    seafoodpunch: I don’t know if it’s healthy or not. As long as it’s well lubricated, it’s probably OK. OMG! Your story is terrifying and exciting! I’m so jealous! I’m glad you didn’t die. Can you imagine?

    cardiogirl: Not incoherent. Tho I haven’t had coffee in a few days either. I think one of my stank firemen actually wore just a baseball cap. One was bareheaded and had a full head of hair, the other, I can’t remember. But in my fantasy . . . well, you know how it goes.

    Florida Girl in Sydney: Aw, thanks. I think everyone can relate to that annoying chirp that always seems to go off at some ungodly hour. Write those posts!

  15. 15 Anne

    We have a volunteer fire department so ours aren’t hunky either. In addition, we have no fire hydrants so if we have a big fire, all the fire department can do is bring marshmallows. Apparently, here in the Small Town, that is the main reason to have a pool, so the fire department has somewhere to get water of there is a fire.

  16. 16 moooooog35

    The best thing about not having Carbon Dioxide detectors is the awesome sleep you get to have even if you have children.

    I’ll take rest any way I can get it.

    *turns on gas stove
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Wrapping Up the Week – October 17- 1010 =-.

  17. 17 absepa

    Great post! At least I think the ending was great…I got kind of woozy around the part where you mentioned Gerard Butler and Aragorn. Sorry none of your firemen were hot. Isn’t it just an accepted thing at this point that all firemen must be hot?

    I’m curious as to why Prudence was wrapped up like a burrito–is this a standard practice for cats? Is it a calming thing, like a swaddle for babies?
    .-= absepa´s last blog ..Now appearing in a nightmare near me =-.

  18. 18 CatLadyLarew

    Maybe I should plug the fire and CO2 detectors back in… I could use a few manly (but not smelly) men. Bring on Viggo!

    Or maybe I’ll just get a canary.
    .-= CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..Why Ill Never Become a Crash Test Dummy =-.

  19. 19 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    Well, apparently I’m living life on the edge because I don’t even have a Carbon Monoxide poison monitor. Or maybe I do. How the hell would I even know? We’re renting.

    In any event if I stop blogging it will probably be from carbon monoxide poisoning because we don’t have a monitor. Either that or it will be from sheer boredom because you can only rewatch the entire box set of Seinfeld so many times before it kills you.
    .-= Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog ..Mushrooms Blech But YOU Go Ahead =-.

  20. 20 LJ

    I have to preface this by saying that there is nothing so sweet as a good looking fireman ….

    Now – because my house is across the street from a “Retirement Village”, and in our province “First Responders” are always the fire department – All the bells and whistles and toots and pops and noise and …. then comes the ambulance …

    Needless to say – I kinda don’t get excited when I hear the sirens anymore. Do you realize how often “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” applies to retirement establishments? More often than I’d care to count and at least 4 times a week.
    .-= LJ´s last blog ..Hunkering Down For Winter =-.

  21. 21 LJ

    Also – I’m glad there isn’t a home version of a Carbon monoxide detector. Especially outside of our bathroom – it would constantly be going off every time the hubby stepped in there. Don’t ever tell him I said that.
    .-= LJ´s last blog ..Hunkering Down For Winter =-.

  22. 22 Lola

    My kids were like 6 and 8 when we had to call the fire department at my old house in Chicago. We came home after church (I swear! It’s true! Ok, we went rarely, but this happened to be one of those rarities.) and smelled smoke. Couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. It smelled all over the first floor. Since we couldn’t find the source we dialed 911. About 4 minutes later 8 firemen in full gear come to the front door and then ceremoniously trudge through the first floor, basement and 2nd floor. As they all trudge along they are touching the walls (everywhere) looking for a hot spot that might indicate a fire inside the wall, like an electrical fire. (Yes, I asked!) So all 8 firemen, trudge all through, find nothing and tell us to call back if we smell it more. Then they leave. 5 minutes after they leave I discover the source. ‘Member how little kids make tissue flowers? Yeah, tissue flowers should not be put propped up against a lamp…a lamp that is turned on…the bulb getting hotter and hotter. Tissue is highly flammable. Duh! And no, my firemen weren’t hunky. (Yeah, I still would have noticed. And no female firefighters. Dang!)
    .-= Lola´s last blog ..Company Coming =-.

  23. 23 Surfie

    Boy, what a bummer to have your fireman fantasy denied like that. Major props for providing that yummy picture of Viggo though. *drool* I had a fireman experience at work once! I was making toast in the breakroom upstairs, and it set off the fire alarm. Nobody had ever told me that for some stupid reason you can’t use a toaster up there. It has nothing to do with burning toast, either. I like mine lightly toasted, so there is no chance of smoke coming out of the toaster, but sure enough that stupid thing started shrieking. And since this was a bank, the alarms are all tied into the fire department so we get a visit whether we want one or not. It was kind of embarrassing, because the guy (cute! and not smelly!) had to examine my toaster (not a double entendre) to make sure it was safe to keep using. My coworker was ready to through herself from the balcony as he was on his way back to his firetruck so he could save her. :)
    .-= Surfie´s last blog ..Job Hunting Is Depressing =-.

  24. 24 JD

    Anne: Oh, dear. I hope you never have a serious fire in Small Town. But if you do, let me know. I’ll bring my own marshmallows.

    moooooog35: You make an excellent point. I will NOT be replacing my monitor!

    absepa: Thank you! Yes, Gerard and Aragorn do have that effect on women, even without CO poisoning. Prudence is just so cute and sweet that I can’t help but roll her up in a blanket. I swear, she loves it.

    CatLadyLarew: It’s at least worth a try. You might get luckier than I did. Altho it’d be hard to trump my fantasy version.

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): You ARE living on the edge! Get a CO monitor — if only to have it go off at 4:30 AM so you have to call Aragorn. I’m jealous of your Seinfeld box set. Can I come over and watch it with you? I’ll bring the CO monitor.

    LJ: Yeah, I can see how the firetruck thing would get old (heh) after a while. I wonder why the fire department has to come first when an old lady falls in her shower? Seems like overkill. (No, I won’t tell your hubby what you said. HEE!)

    Lola: Oh, my god, EIGHT firemen? And not one of them hunky? Your story is hilarious, my friend. And I do believe you were at church. (And glad no one was hurt or nothing other than the tissue flower was harmed.)

    Surfie: HAHAHAHA! “Examine my toaster” is TOTALLY my new double entendre. You’re so lucky you got a cute one. I set off the smoke detector at my workplace some years ago when I left some microwave popcorn in there for too long. We didn’t get the fire department tho. I just got yelled at by the janitor. Dang.

  25. 25 Jen

    Very flattering (it should have been story). You should write a fiction or something (unless you already have one). You’re are so good telling stories. I loved it.

  26. 26 meleah rebeccah

    Your imaginary version ROCKED! Sorry the real life version was so disappointing. And now I cant wait to see the OTHER version with photos!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Just A Quick Update =-.

  27. 27 Barb

    Dibs on the Gerard Butler fireman!

  28. 28 Kathleen Kaufman

    Reason #917 Why I’m Going Hell:

    When my toddler, Mr. Adorablepants, went to the ER for stitches a couple weeks ago – after he was all taken care of and The Husband was still inside signing all the papers and whatnot, and I was walking around outside with a newly calm, and stitched up, Mr. Adorablepants – I was weak kneed over the shockingly cute paramedics who kept filtering in and out. It didn’t help that they kept coming over and handsome tough guy style, tousling Mr. Adorablepant’s hair and saying things like ‘Hey little guy, how ya doing?’

    I asked The Husband if we could stay for a while longer, but for some weird reason, he wanted to go home……
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say =-.

  29. 29 FFMag

    Hilarious! The fantasty is great! I love how you make yourself faint – so dramatic, awesome!
    .-= FFMag´s last blog ..Fashion Goes Back To The Future =-.

  30. 30 JD

    Jen: Aren’t you nice. Or perhaps you’re being sarcastic. Either way, you’ve inspired me to write a romance novel starring me and three hot and hunky firefighters. Perhaps I’ll serialize it here.

    meleah rebeccah: THANK YOU! How I wish it had really happened that way. And . . . YES! The other fireman story is kinda cool, tho I’m not sure any of them were cute either.

    Barb: HA! OK. As long as I get Jon Hamm AND Aragorn.

    Kathleen Kaufman: You are not going to hell. You are going to sit down and write your OWN fantasy version of what might’ve happened if The Husband had conveniently been out of the picture. I’ll need photos and detailed descriptions. I’m waiting.

    FFMag: Yes, the fainting was key to the whole scene, I believe. But then who wouldn’t faint after being rescued by Aragorn?!

  31. 31 Kathleen Kaufman

    Hmmm….you asked for the fantasy version, and luckily, I have a crapload of stuff to do, so I’m totally up for a good procrastination:

    I was walking across the street wearing my best tiny black cocktail dress and those high heels with the red on the bottoms that I see in movies….scratch that, I’m walking a blind old woman across the street while wearing unbelievably flattering levi’s and a top that magically gives me cleavage….shoeware undecided….

    I stumble (the blind old lady disappears completely) and twist my ankle. A hunky paramedic comes immediately running over, dewy eyed from watching my good deed unfold. He catches me (he looks a little like that fireman from Roxanne – the hunky dumb one…) he immediately swings me into the front seat of the Ambulance (cause I want to see how everything works…) and wisks me to the ER where Dr. Kovatch and Dr. Ross are waiting at the door. They dispense with the gurney and take turns carrying me Gone With The Wind style into the examining room (which is decorated in soft candlelight and shades of auburn…) I insist I’m okay, but at the exact moment that I try to speak, I swoon (just a little) and fall back into my soft, fluffy white pillow and 1000 thread count sheets with just enough starch to keep the bed crisp while not feeling rough on my senstive, sensitive skin…. In the background, a little vintage John Denver begins to gently play (don’t judge) and Dr. Kovatch gently dabs my face with a moist washcloth while repeating random medical terminology in his slightly muddled eastern european accent.

    I’m not sure how to work my ankle into this anymore….and I’m not sure my insurance covers ambience……
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say =-.

  32. 32 Jon Hamm

    Oh, Julia, Julia my love,

    Come with me, let me carry you out of your smoke-filled bedroom, ‘Officer and a Gentlemen’ style in my non-stinky fireman outfit? I would even let you wear my helmet…my, you do look fine in your worn, flannel pajamas. Did I mention I have a fetish for women in worn, flannel pajamas?

    Oh, did I not mention that when I’m not spending my time being a handsome television star, I’m also a volunteer fireman? And a volunteer lifeguard, police officer, and answer children’s letters to God in my spare time. I also cure cancer with my tears…and I shed tears when I think we cannot be together…

    Did I mention I love cats wrapped burrito style? Yes, I could watch you wrap your cats like burritos all night long. Oh, and that hair, that luscious hair!

  33. 33 Patricia (Wow! Jon Hamm!)

    Amazing, Jon wrote you! I’m so envious…so envious. Ask him if he can slip me the number of John Slattery? I have a Daddy complex…

    Ahem. Anyway. My brother-in-law is a fireman. I’ve had a tour of his firehouse and, sadly, they no longer have the awesome pole, they just have to run down the stairs. That could waste precious seconds that could save a life. He actually does little firefighting (we live in a small community) and a good deal of time doing things like searching for children and the elderly that wandered away. He once found an elderly gentleman enjoying relations with a German Shepherd. *sigh* You can’t save them all.

    His favorite holiday is July 4th, because so many people see smoke and call 911, not thinking that ‘hey, people are grilling out because it’s the 4th!” When the okay sounds, they’re always invited to chow down on burgers and potato salad.

    It was awesome, though, when they had the firetruck at their wedding and made for some neat pictures. And scaring the crapola out of it whenever whomever was in charge let a child honk the horn. After a couple of drinks, I honked the horn, too.

    Our pet store sells a reflective sticker that one may put on a door or window that says “PLEASE SAVE MY…” and then you can check dogs, cats, birds, or ‘other.’ We have one that my husband checked–please save our two dogs–and checked “other” as well–two humans.

  34. 34 JD

    Kathleen Kaufman: OK, you lost me a little with John Denver, but otherwise: AWESOME! And helping the old lady cross the street is a nice touch. I do appreciate your attention to detail. Thread count and the proper lighting is SO important. Forget your ankle — they’re tending to your obvious frail state (evidenced by all the stumbling and fainting). They’ll have to run a lot of tests. And insurance is not part of this fantasy.

    Jon Hamm!!!!!!!!!: OH MY ZOD! Jon Hamm reads my freaking blog! And comments! And . . . apparently LOVES me! Is it selfish of me to wish that we could be together always and that your cancer-curing tears would thus never fall? I don’t care! A man who loves burrito-wrapped cats and worn, flannel pajamas . . . and who incidentally is JON FREAKING HAMM, well, I am powerless. Yes, you may touch my hair.

    Patricia (Wow! Jon Hamm!): I know, right! I almost thought it was a fake, but it so clearly sounds like Jon Hamm. I used to have a bit of a thing for John Slattery too. We’ll have to double-date. Maybe the Whiskey A-Go-Go? That’s so funny about your BIL. I’ll reserve comment on the old guy and the dog. But, boy, for a small community, he must have some great stories. Your BIL, not the old guy. Or the dog. Man, I would honk that horn stone-cold sober. I don’t care if I got arrested. Get me in the vicinity of a firetruck and I WILL honk the horn. And possibly climb on the ladder. I have those stickers too, and I never thought to add “Please also save the humans.” You should probably never assume.

  35. 35 puglette

    hello! hubby wanted me to relay one of his (our) fireman stories before the fireman post went away. since he is on the road, i will tell you this true tale of romance.

    when hubby and i started dating, nearly 19 years ago, he was also seeing other women. shocking, i know! hubby and i were getting pretty serious, however, and he wanted to shake free of one especially clingy girl.

    since he was a volunteer fireman, he had to listen for his station call on his scanner. so one night while we were “listening” in bed, he got a phone call from the clingy girl. she was trying to get him to come on over to her house. well, that wasn’t happening as we were really enjoying “listening” together. he tried to convince her that he was not going to be there, but she was persistent. finally, she called again to tell him that she needed his help getting up off her bed, that she had hurt her back. she needed the big, strong fireman to rescue her. she said her door was unlocked and he should come right on in to the bedroom.

    well, hubby decided she would have a fireman help her…he called the fire department to aid a woman in need. and told them about her door being open and all about being trapped on her bed. we continued “listening” and really listening and heard the station call out to her address and also the instructions that hubby had given.

    needless to say, he never heard from her again. and 19 years later we still giggle about it. yes, i know it was kind of mean, but honestly…she was really being pesky and we were in the early phase of our long lasting love affair. so…there you go.

    hubby and i celebrate our 19th anniversary together next month. i am very glad he did not call the fire department to my house. :o)
    hugs,
    puglette
    :)
    .-= puglette´s last blog ..Pug Stuff =-.

  36. 36 Sleepless

    Hehehehehe I love your story about what should have happened. I’m definitely looking forward to the follow up with more firemen…
    .-= Sleepless´s last blog ..you rarely catch up- but can never get ahead =-.

  37. 37 Sleepless

    Oh and Puglette, that’s hilarious! Kind of mean, yes, but funny as h*ll.
    .-= Sleepless´s last blog ..you rarely catch up- but can never get ahead =-.

  38. 38 lilsisboombah

    I just found this blog last night when I really, really needed a laugh. Thank you for existing! I will be back. Although I’m a little intimidated because the other commenters are so witty. I rarely get to do this before midnight so that will be my excuse for now.

    We also have a volunteer fire department, and they are boring and probably smell, but they are friendly and responded promptly the time my husband ran over the gas meter. Speaking of carbon monoxide. Probably every alarm in the neighborhood was going off. I really wanted a cigarette, but it did not seem like a good idea.
    .-= lilsisboombah´s last blog ..Friday cat blogging =-.

  39. 39 v

    scary.

    made me laugh and this sounds right:

    If the small mammals don’t keel over, the larger ones are probably OK?

    the next time i die from CM, (yes, i died once before by accident, but my stubborn arse came back to life because it wasn’t my time) i’m going to tell the mortician that jd gave me the animal tip and that’s why i’m dead on his table with my butt in the air waiting to be stuffed with formaldehyde. exhale.

    i like your fantasy of how it should have gone. darn firemen.

    take care and open a window.

  40. 40 Katherine

    I am SO glad you are OK. I’m thinking in your version you should have been wearing a French Maid outfit… like you just collapsed after your Halloween party or something. Of course if I had one of those on they would have taken the dog and left me. But this was YOUR story! :)
    .-= Katherine´s last blog ..Dog Training Fail =-.

  41. 41 JD

    puglette: Oh, that is a truly awesome and romantic story! Serves that clingy girl right! I wish you and your husband a very happy anniversary and many more years of “listening” together!

    Sleepless: Yeah, when it comes to firemen, sometimes fantasy is better. (I loved Pugette’s story, too!)

    lilsisboombah: Welcome! I’m so glad you got a laugh from my humble fireman fantasy. Don’t let the other commenters intimidate you (some of them are professional commenters whom I pay a hefty fee!) “I wanted a cigarette . . . ” — now who’s being witty?!

    v: I’m glad your stubborn arse didn’t let you get away with dying that first time. How annoying.

    Katherine: Oooh, a French maid outfit! I’ll work on that fantasy, believe me.

  42. 42 Lola

    Had another “incident” 2 weeks ago. For some reason my son thought it would be a good idea to play with the butane fire starter that we use to start the grill. He burned a huge ass hole in my living room carpet. No firefighters were called. I was home at the time (sneaky little devil.) I now I have a not so artfully placed throw rug over the offending burn spot.

    Come stop by my blog and check out my Halloween costume.
    .-= Lola´s last blog ..Happy Halloween! =-.

  43. 43 forcryeye

    I was delighted at your choice of firemen…esp Gerard and Viggo as Aarrogorn…or however you spell it! glad you are ok! I had a real fire with firemen, and they too erased my fantasy because…get this…they were grumpy and not friendly…all but the fire chief.
    .-= forcryeye´s last blog ..Bring Your Own Art at Lisas &amp an Introduction! =-.

  44. 44 Nicky

    I’m so glad that your okay! I really wont know what to do if i were in your shoes! and Firemen are so great! They are the bravest kinda men around!
    .-= Nicky´s last blog ..The 7 Most Cool Headphones of 2010! =-.

  45. 45 Staci at Just Bloggled

    At least you didn’t call because you thought you had a gas leak but all you had were a bunch of smelly candles that got too hot in the garage and stunk it up. I almost called once for that because they were near my gas hot water heater, and I was convinced gas was leaking. Luckily, I figured out it was the candles before calling 911. I would have probably made some Top 10 list at the fire house with that.

    BTW, I’ve given you the Versatile Blogger Award on my blog. Congrats!
    .-= Staci at Just Bloggled´s last blog ..The Versatile Blogger Award Times Two =-.

  46. 46 Tarrant

    So we are waiting to learn what has happened in your life since the faulty CO2 monitor!

  47. 47 LJ

    Ok – We haven’t heard from you in two weeks. Are you ok? I miss you when you’re not around.
    .-= LJ´s last blog ..A Very Creative Weekend!! =-.

  48. 48 JD

    Lola: Oh, boy. With kids like that around, who needs faulty CO monitors? Thank zod for throw rugs. (I LOVE your Halloween costume!)

    forcryeye: GRUMPY?! They’re not allowed to be grumpy, for crying out loud. Aragorn doesn’t cry. Geeez. I’m sorry your fantasy was ruined too.

    Nicky: They are brave, aren’t they? Especially when they hafta get outta bed at 4:30 AM to walk around someone’s house with a CO monitor. Too brave to brush their teeth, I guess.

    Staci at Just Bloggled: I never realized smelly candles could smell like a gas leak. That’s weird. At least you didn’t make that call. I doubt Jon Hamm would’ve let you ride around in the firetruck. Thanks so much for the award!

    Tarrant: I’m here, I’m here! Been a tough couple of weeks. But the CO poison has not yet killed this blog.

    LJ: Aw, thanks, that’s sweet. I miss you guys too. These last few weeks have been crammed with grossness. But I will emerge, phoenix-like, from the CO fumes!

  49. 49 Lola

    We are impatiently waiting for a new post!
    .-= Lola´s last blog ..Always The DumpeeNow The Dumper =-.

  50. 50 dcr

    Yes, we wait impatiently for your triumphant return, because we’re getting rather tired of doing things for ourselves that we don’t really want to. Plus, we often don’t do them because we don’t want to. So there’s a number of things piling up for you to do so we don’t have to.

    But, you know, no pressure. ;)
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Tippy Canoe and Tyler 20 =-.

  51. 51 Kat Cannon

    “(Why didn’t I take any pictures? Because it was dark outside, and I may have had carbon monoxide poisoning.)”

    I love this – and I think it might be a good excuse for the not-doing of many things. I’m going to try it next time my boyfriend asks me why I didn’t do the dishes.

    New reader here & loving the blog! Thanks

    -KC
    .-= Kat Cannon´s last blog ..Yahoo Answers – Giving back to the community 1 =-.

  52. 52 Jenn of Many Cabbages

    What I don’t understand, JD, is you have CATS. You will never ever need an alarm EVER. You have a CAT Alarm.

    They will get you up before the fire. Before the CO2. Before the Real Alarm would go off, preferably 45 minutes or so before you ever ever would want to be awake.

    It’s their job.
    .-= Jenn of Many Cabbages´s last blog ..Toyota Highlander Geek Family Kid Versus Supernanny Smackdown =-.

  53. 53 Ron

    Hey JD!

    Just wanted to stop by to see how are are.

    Miss ya!

    Hope all is well.

    X
    .-= Ron´s last blog ..When your life is going down the toilet- just flush =-.

  54. 54 JD

    Lola: I know, I know. I’m trying. Just having trouble juggling everything lately. Thanks for your patience . . . oh, wait, I mean IM-patience!

    dcr: UGH! Things are piling up! This is driving me nuts. But I’m making a list. I can’t promise I’ll do EVERYthing on it, but I’ll try. You people. So helpless.

    KC: Welcome! Yes, carbon monoxide poisoning has gotten me out of a lot of dreary chores. It’s also helped to explain why I sleep 10 hours a night.

    Jenn of Many Cabbages: These cats of ours are very unreliable. They slept right through the CO alarm. Wait . . . maybe they weren’t asleep?

    Ron: HI RON! Thanks for stopping by. I’m still here. I miss you too, but I’m out there lurking. And I WILL post again!

  55. 55 flit

    Just stopping by to make sure you’re still not dead.

    Hope things are getting somewhat better!
    .-= flit´s last blog ..More about Jess’ Lemon Dell =-.

  56. 56 JD

    flit: Nope! Still not dead! And yes, things are getting better, thanks!

  57. 57 Master Dayton@Freelance Writer Blog

    Yeah, I stopped using them because they only went off when the batteries got low. And based on some of my buddies who used to be volunteer firemen, I’m guessing a LOT of beer cuts and intermittent cussing.
    .-= Master Dayton@Freelance Writer Blog´s last blog ..I Havent Updated My Resume Since 2006 =-.

  58. 58 sheila

    I have seen some hotties in action when the condo upstairs burned down because the new people who were moving in set a box on the stove and the burner wasn’t shut off all the way and then they left – BIG FIRE – I can understand all the clothes when they are putting the fire out but I don’t understand why they don’t come running out when they are done and rip their shirts off (only the hot ones of course).

    In my dream they would have to look like Henry Cavill, Daniel Craig and Clive Owen.

    In reality all I usually see is firemean Burt and Ernie, shopping at the grocery store, every morning – planning their day of lounging, tv watching and feasting.

  59. 59 Shaky Jake

    I had a similar instance with our smoke alarm recently, wherein the only logical choice was to take the batteries out and hope that if our apartment ever started on fire, our cat would let us know. I think you and I both made the right choice.

    Oh, and “Thank god I’m wearing my flattering sweatpants” is the best line I’ve read in a looooong time!
    .-= Shaky Jake´s last blog ..Jean-Claude Van Damme- The Quest to Dress Like a Male Prostitute not such a Hard Target for a Timecop Could Have a Double Impact Bloodsport!!! =-.

  60. 60 A Daft Scots Lass

    Love your blog!!!!

  61. 61 dana

    I just read your story to Joe, cuz we’re both retired from the fire department.

    There’s NOTHING more handsome than the ugliest firefighter when one comes storming through the door to save your ass…or your cat’s ass. lol
    .-= dana´s last blog ..Thank you Simone – My pain in my ass helper and tormentor proofreader =-.

  62. 62 JD

    Master Dayton@Freelance Writer Blog: Sounds about right. We replaced our malfunctioning unit with a plug-in. This should cut down on the cussing. But not the beer drinking.

    sheila: Oooh, I like your fantasy trio! YES! They’d really be doing the public a service by running out and ripping off their shirts (and pants?) Just a little extra something for the traumatized near-fire victims.

    Shaky Jake: Thank you! Flattering sweatpants are so important. I hope these cats appreciate the trust we put in them.

    A Daft Scots Lass: Thank you, you daft Scots lass!

    dana: You make an excellent point. I doubt I’d be too picky if I were burning alive and Not-Aragorn came sweeping in.

  63. 63 Wendi

    You have so many great lines in here. The one time the firemen had to come to our house, my husband kept saying “Backdraft!” under his breath like Rainman.

  64. 64 kelleyand

    Ok, I totally feel like a “grammar nazi” but I have to know – was it a faulty carbon dioxide detector or a faulty carbon monoxide detector because you say dioxide (CO2) but type monoxide (CO) and I have never heard of a carbon dioxide detector. Picky, picky I know, but now I am worried I need a dioxide detector too!

  65. 65 JD

    Wendi: HA! That’s hilarious. So . . . was there actually any backdraft?

    kelleyand: Oh, dang. No, you’re not a grammar nazi. My bad. Thank you for your pickiness. I’m gonna fix it now.

  66. 66 Tippy

    Last week I woke up at 1:40am to the sound of a car window being smashed, followed by the sound of the car alarm. I looked out the window to see if I could spot the person that was trying to steal someone’s stereo…

    Instead, what I saw was a car ON FIRE! That’s right…F-I-R-E!

    I’ve learned 3 things from that night:

    1. A brand new convertible BMW burns with a 10-12ft fire ball in about 3 minutes.

    2. It’s no fun trying to flirt with firemen/policemen when you’re wearing your glasses, wiping the sleep from your eyes and checking for really early morning breath.

    3. You can totally get your bra on while calling 911.

  67. 67 Tarrant

    So you get rescued by firefighters and leave us hanging…hmph.

  68. 68 dcr

    @Tarrant: That’s because she kept the firefighters and locked them up in her basement. Instead of blogging, she goes downstairs and stares at them through the one-way glass mirror. ;)

    She’s doing that so we don’t have to.
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Pig Headed Bald Guys of the World Untie!!! =-.

  69. 69 JD

    Tippy: Damn, your story is way more exciting than mine. A car on freaking FIRE? Such a sight would almost — ALMOST — take my attention away from Aragorn. Oh, and it’s good to know about the bra thing.

    Tarrant: dcr’s right again. This fireman-watching thing has taken over my whole life. But I do intend to blog about it. Oh, yes. There will be blogging.

    dcr: How do you know these things? Are you staring at me through a one-way mirror? If so, can you tell me what I did with my sunglasses?

  70. 70 dcr

    Nope, not staring at all.

    By the way, your sunglasses are on the top of your head.
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Ode to a Pig Headed Bald Guy =-.

  71. 71 JD

    dcr: D’oh!

  72. 72 dcr

    You’re welcome. Was there a reward for finding them?
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..He-Just-Wanted-To-Let-You-Know =-.

  73. 73 JD

    dcr: Um . . . my undying gratitude?

  74. 74 Ron

    Hey girl….just wanted to stop by to wish you a Merry Christmas!

    (((( JD ))))

    X
    .-= Ron´s last blog ..Im alive- and Merry Christmas! =-.

  75. 75 dcr

    Okay, cool. You know what would be awesome? A gratitude exchange. That’s where we could take the gratitude people have for us and exchange it for cash.

    What do you think?

    And Merry Christmas too!
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..He Just Wanted to Let You Know About the Pig Headed Bald Guy =-.

  76. 76 JD

    In theory this is an excellent idea, but I’d have to get a better idea of the exchange rate. In the meantime: Happy Holidays!

  77. 77 Whitney

    Haha, I just stumbled on your blog. Nice work. If it was me, the CO detector would have gone off, I would have taken out the batteries, died, and THEN the firemen would have come. Hot guys usually come when I’ve just died.

    Whitney

  78. 78 Anna's Adornments

    December 27th, 2010
    Hi!
    I haven’t visited your blog for quite a while. Now i don’t understnad why. You erite very funny stories!
    I’m speechless.
    Best wishes,
    Anna
    .-= Anna’s Adornments´s last blog ..A Rabbit-Inspired Treasury! =-.

  79. 79 Anna's Adornments

    Sorry about all the spelling mistakes in my comment. My six year old daughter decided to sit in my lap and block my view to the screen
    Anna
    .-= Anna’s Adornments´s last blog ..A Rabbit-Inspired Treasury! =-.

  80. 80 dcr

    The exchange rate is like Forex; it is variable and sometimes volatile. Variable becomes some gratitude is less gracious than others and volatile because some people don’t like their gratitude being offered up in the gratitude exchange (Grex).
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..The 1-000th Day =-.

  81. 81 kathryn

    Okay. So, I thought *I* was bad at keeping up here in blogville…I’d peripherally realized on some unconscious level that you’d disappeared for what felt like an enormously-ridiculous amount of time…but I figured maybe my reader (feeder? meter?) had a fight with your reader (seeder? heater?) and they weren’t….you know, talking.

    So, where the hell are you?? Did you email me to explain your absence? Cause I have like, 300 emails I haven’t gotten to yet. I hope you’re not buried in there…but I’m thinking you’re not.

    This is soooo not like you. No tweets, either? I mean, take a vacay…you’re entitled….BUT not without written, prior approval from all of US. I mean, really.

    Da nerve.

    You’d betta be okay. You’d betta shoot me an email telling me so…or, so help me God.

    Don’t make me come back there…

    xo
    ~kathryn
    .-= kathryn´s last blog ..How Backing Up Can Backfire =-.

  82. 82 JD

    Whitney: So just how many times HAVE you died? Maybe next time you can fake it; you know, pretend you’re dead then pop up and yell “SURPRISE!” when the hot guys show up . . . ?

    Anna’s Adornments: Thank you! You and your precocious daughter are very welcome!

    dcr: This is beginning to sound like something from Dr. Seuss . . .

    kathryn: Let’s not blame our feeders for this. E-mail is on the way. Delete those other 300 e-mails so you can find mine easily. XOXOXOX (I am fine)

  83. 83 p. cook

    Outstanding humor! I’ve tried to make a living out of humor writing but I was never this damn good! How do you do it?

    By the way, the romanticized fireman rescue reminds me of those overblown scenes in romance novels… not that i read any of those… hehe
    .-= p. cook´s last blog ..Easy Fish Recipes – Fried Fish With Cottage Cheese =-.

  84. 84 Brandy

    I’ve always wanted to slide UP a pole…thats what she said…
    .-= Brandy´s last blog ..10 Things you should never say in the bedroom =-.

  85. 85 Mandi

    Firemen always ruin my fireman fantasy by being around in reality.

    Also, you’re way to funny to not update. I am mediocre and I update. So update. If you want. Please. If you want.
    .-= Mandi´s last blog ..My boyfriend is now the perfect android! =-.

  86. 86 jenn @ t1 service

    They ALWAYS go of at four in the morning! I swear I did a facebook status post that said that just the other day. Meanwhile, they always wake me up but not my husband. If I am ever out of town and the house catches on fire, he is dead meat for sure! (Yikes!)
    .-= jenn @ t1 service´s last blog ..More People Prefer FireFox over Internet Explorer =-.

  87. 87 dcr

    Uh-oh. Now JD has disappeared from the comments too.

    Which is rough for us all, because the list of things we need her to do so we don’t have to continues to grow. Hopefully, all is well and she’s just too busy doing stuff so we don’t have to that she can’t get time to post about it.
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..A Skip- A Hop and A Jump =-.

  88. 88 JD

    Whoa. I figured I’d better chime in here real quick in case you REALLY think I fell off the map. Going on vacation next week. When I come back, you may present me with the list of all the things you’ve had to do. I WILL be back!

  89. 89 Slager

    No pressure (really!), but I hope there’s a new post eventually. Only because every time I visit this page and see the firefighter picture, I remember the post, and think of morning breath, and then I am grossed out.

  90. 90 CourtneyP

    I’ve always wanted to be rescued by a beefy fireman. But the local volunteer firemen never look quite as good as the hunky ones in the NYC Firemen calendars, do they?

    But seriously … how did you not spaz out at the possibility of having CO poisoning? Just putting an alarm in my house would cause me to obsessively count down the days before I drop dead.

    Kudos to you, girl!

  91. 91 dcr

    According to my calculations, you should now be back from vacation and, as such, ready for the presentation of our lists.

    First, apparently you need to update your CommentLuv plugin because your blog is currently telling me this:

    “Sorry, this version of CommentLuv (v276) is no longer supported. Please update the CommentLuv plugin that is installed on this site. Click here to visit the download page or use the automatic update in the WordPress dashboard. (If you are commenting, please tell the webmaster of this site that their CommmentLuv plugin needs updating!)”

    Next, the next big thing is apparently eating insects, like fried grasshoppers or mealyworms. So, I would like you to do that for me so I don’t have to. Thanks.

  92. 92 JD

    Slager: I’m so sorry. I’m sure everyone is sick of looking at this post. I hope my latest won’t make you think of anything gross (like MEALWORMS!)

    CourtneyP: I think there need to be higher standards for fireman positions. Bravery, strength, skill, and compassion are just not enough. WE NEED HUNKS! I guess I never freaked out because I figured if the cats were OK, then we were. If ever one of my cats keels over, you can bet I’m out the door.

    dcr: I’ve updated CommentLuv, and it looks like it’s working — only on comments that came in AFTER the update, tho, of course. I’m considering some sort of deep-fried insect, but mealyworms are OUT.

  93. 93 Matthew

    LOL, this post is freakin HILARIOUS! You seriously crack me up…
    Matthew´s last blog post ..Betta Fish Care – Your Betta Fish First Aid Kit

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