So I just discovered that there’s this thing called an “alarm” and it gets you out of bed!
Oh, STOOPID JD, I can hear you yell. Everyone knows that an alarm clock will wake you up.
Well, who’s stoopid now because it was NOT an alarm clock that got my lazy ass out of bed. It was a much more exciting method, one I will share with you now.
Wake Up the JD Way
Buy a carbon monoxide monitor and hang it on the ceiling in your hallway. Right outside your bedroom door.
Wait. Two years if necessary.
Finally, you will be rewarded with a strident chirp-chirp-chirp that will guarantee you wake up, most likely in a cold sweat as you try to figure out whether or not you’re dead from the fumes that must be filling the air or why would the damn monitor go off???
Ugh. The carbon monoxide monitor. We have two, and the basement one started chirping a few weeks ago. In my frustration, I simply opened all the windows and ripped it out of the wall.
Then the upstairs one started in. You might be wondering why I wasn’t worried about CO poisoning. Well, the cats were fine. Isn’t that how it works? If the small mammals don’t keel over, the larger ones are probably OK?
Also, we didn’t have the furnace on, so where was the source? After replacing the batteries, Dave actually took the damn monitor OUTSIDE, where it continued to chirp.
Finally, we just screwed it back in place and figured when it came time to turn on the heat, we’d have our answer.
But our answer came sooner than planned.
When the monitor went off at 4:30 AM, I, of course, pretended not to hear it. But once Dave was up, turning on all the lights and swearing loudly, it was hard to pretend to be asleep. But I did anyway. Only when I heard him calling the fire department did I bolt upright.
Because . . .
It was like Christmas! I leapt out of bed and ran to the chimney . . . er, front window. Soon I was rewarded with the sight of the BIG kind of fire truck pulling up in front of our house. I was jumping up and down with excitement and terror and possible carbon monoxide poisoning. I even unwrapped Prudence from her burrito blanket so she could see, but she took off downstairs with Gus right behind her.
(Why didn’t I take any pictures? Because it was dark outside, and I may have had carbon monoxide poisoning.)
Three (3!) firemen came up the walk. I had begged Dave to lock the door so they would have to break it down with an ax, but he stubbornly refused.
Hmmm. None of them were cute. And they smelled. Not like fire and danger and chili but like stale clothes and morning breath. My fantasy was quickly deflating.
How It Went
Three boring firemen who stank walked around our house, looked at our monitor, and determined we had no levels of CO. Just a faulty device.
How It Should’ve Gone
Three hot and hunky firemen (think Jon Hamm, Gerard Butler, and Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn) break down our door and storm into our house. One of them (preferably Aragorn) scoops me up and carries me outside to safety. Thank god I’m wearing my flattering sweatpants! Dave is somehow absent from this version. Anyway, then all the neighbors come out to see what’s going on and bring me juice.
“MY CATS!” I scream before fainting. Then I wake up and stagger bravely to what used to be my front door but is now a shambles of broken wood and twisted metal.
“Ma’am, you’d better stay outside.” Except, wait, they don’t call me “Ma’am.”
“Miss, you’d better stay outside. We’ll find your cats.”
And they do! Is there a more rewarding sight than a fireman carrying a cat? Especially one that’s wrapped like a burrito? While Aragorn and Gerard Butler battle the CO poisoning or whatever, Jon Hamm lets me wear his fireman hat and gives me a ride in the truck, while my neighbors look on in envy.
The house is declared uninhabitable and I get to go live at the firehouse and slide up and down the pole all day. And yes, that IS a double entendre.
And, so, my friends, that is what you do in case of carbon monoxide poisoning.
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But wait! This isn’t the only fireman-related story I have to share. The other one has even MORE firemen, MORE juice, and LESS flattering sweatpants! And photos! But you’ll just have to be patient.
Fireman came from here