I’m like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Man, I’m sorry, but this happened and you’re gonna have to read about it.
The other day, I got tired of navigating the hairballs and dust bunnies and tumbleweeds that have taken up residence in our home, so I decided to vacuum. After about ten minutes, the vacuum cleaner started to let off a horrifying combination of stenches. My sensitive nose twitched. Burned rubber . . . dusty catnip . . . old shoe . . . something vaguely Italian. Lasagna? But mostly the unmistakeable aroma of burned hair.
I spent the next half hour unwinding gross hot hair from the brushy-rollery-thing . . . y. You know that thing. By the time I finished, there was this:
(stapler in photo for scale)
____________________
Man, that’s almost a whole head of hair. OK, I’m exaggerating a bit. It’s not all hair. There’s other stuff in there, which I do not feel obligated to comment upon. (Lasagna?)
Dave noticed the smell as soon as he got home.
“Are you cooking rubber?” he asked.
Uh . . . let me think.
I explained that the vacuum cleaner, despite having been cleaned out thoroughly only 2 weeks ago, was once again not eating my hair. You see, this has happened before. We literally have to take the damn thing apart every time we vacuum to pull out the hair. Luckily, we don’t vacuum that often. Hey, I wonder if we vacuumed more often . . . nah.
I showed Dave the bag of hair and he drew back in revulsion.
“Throw that away!”
“I will, I just have to take a picture of it.”
But now I’m regretting throwing it away. I could have donated it to Locks of Love or perhaps to their lesser-known but still worthwhile sister charity Garbage Wigs. Or, I could’ve kept it on hand whenever I needed to make the point that someone was dumber than a bag of hair. OR, I could’ve let Dave make another doll with it.
Oh, well. I’m sure I’ll have more in a week or two.
So, who’s weirder? Me for posting this or you for reading it?
I think we all know the answer to that question.
EXTREME CLOSE-UP!!!
41 Comments
Maybe you need a Dyson?
dcr’s last blog post..Retro Week: Waffle Iron
Nature abhors a vacuum. I do, too.
I am so very frightened. That’s it. I am NEVER looking inside my vacuum. Never.
janine’s last blog post..Sometimes it’s good to be older. But not very often really
Oh JD, I’ve seen worse, though not in quantity. A vacuum cleaner is meant to pick up dirt and rubbish, so what’s so bad about that? Maybe the fact that you’re molting is more of a concern – or do you only vacuum once in a blue moon? ;O) Every couple of days is a good idea to avoid hair balls haha!
babs – beetle’s last blog post..Double trouble?
Despite frequent (okay, bi-annual) Swiffering, the entire floor of my apartment is covered in a fine coating of hair and dust. After going barefoot for 10 minutes, I look like a hobbit.
Ilana’s last blog post..After All
When I was a kid – correction – a dirty stinky little kid who didn’t wash his hair for days – I’d try to put my head under the vacuum to get rid of the dandruff.
Next time you think about donating your lasagna, think about somebody like the Alopecian Muse
Jaffer’s last blog post..Canada Post – You Suck !
ummm…aaackkk, cough, cough, gagging noises…i got a bit queasy reading this post. not because i am any kind of a neat person, but because thinking about donating dirty vacuum hair to charity makes my tummy flip! i think it’s the length of your hair that clogs up the roller brush. we had a bigger clogging problem when daughter still had long hair. it got easier when she cut her hair and much easier when she moved out!
oliie says hey! he is on my lap right now, snoozing.
)
have a good day!
hugs,
puglette (one of the unemployed masses, again)
Puglette’s last blog post..More Changes
I find something very similar after I shower. I keep wondering if I am balding, but there always seems to be more hair. I hate to vacuum so I usually convince my husband to do it. I don’t know if he finds hair or not.
It happens with a Dyson, too. We’ve gotten rid of almost all our carpets, so we mostly sweep now or use our two Roombas. But my long hair is always everywhere.
Actually, this post made me feel a little better. I was starting to feel like the only woman who constantly sheds.
Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..For Davida: Pseudonym or Not?
I’d rather be on chick watching duty than see another vacuum hair picture like that again.
C.B.Jones’s last blog post..One of life’s unanswered questions.
When my hair was long, we had problems with the vacuum, too. Especially once we added the three Cocker Spaniels to the mix, because they shed like crazy. It did seem to help (a little) when we switched to a bagless vacuum, but everything is much better since I cut all my mop off. I don’t have to unclog the shower drain nearly as often, either. (Sorry to those who are easily sickened by the hair thing. I know that was all pretty gross, but that’s how it is when you have a big, crazy mop of hair.)
absepa’s last blog post..Out of the Mouths of Babes
I think we know precisely who is weirder, but I’ve never held it against you. You can’t help it.
(I dare you to figure out which is weirder from that statement. You can’t do it.)
I’ve decided, after years of watching myself lose an entire head of hair a day, that I actually have a very thick head of hair, and if it didn’t fall out so much it would be down to my butt and would weigh ten pounds. It only falls out to save my neck from strain.
shakespeare’s last blog post..The Cat Flew… I Mean Flu
dcr: Hey, my blog loves you again! AND you are the first to comment! I feel like throwing a party, but then I’d have to vacuum up all the confetti. A Dyson, you say? Is that the one made by that annoying British fellow? I’ll look into it.
Daisy the Curly Cat: HA! Aren’t you the clever one. It’s true, tho. Our cats abhor our vacuum cleaner and hide under the bed until the smell of burning rubber has lifted.
janine: Boy, did I ever NOT want to turn that thing over and look. I was pretty sickened. I’m sorry you had to see it, but . . . you had to.
babs – beetle: I must be molting! The problem is, it DOESN’T pick up my hair. My hair balls are made up of such long hairs that it gets twisted and wound around the brush thingy at the bottom, so it never gets sucked up. And then it clogs up the brush thingy from picking up anything else! Of course, vacuuming every couple of days is good advice — for CLEAN FREAKS!
Ilana: HAR. Yeah, I have learned not to walk around barefoot if I don’t want to have hose down my feet before getting into bed. (And don’t you just love the Swiffer? So easy, but really so ineffectual.)
Jaffer: Oooh, lookit her! Ain’t she pretty! I’ll have to spend some more time there and figger her out. And see if she needs any lasagna. As for trying to vacuum your head, I’m wondering if I should try that. Maybe if the vacuum doesn’t have to try so hard to suck the hair up, it’ll be easier all around.
Puglette: Oh, Ollie! I bet you’d love me despite my stupid hair. No, I’m sure you’re right: it’s too darn long. If I didn’t want to try to set a record and not get it cut for a year, maybe I wouldn’t have this problem. (Just a little more than 2 months, tho!)
Anne: Your husband may indeed find hair, but unless you smell that burning rubber/hair smell, you’re probably OK. I once wanted to post what my husband pulled out of my drain, but I couldn’t do that to you guys.
Stephanie Barr: HA! We need to start a Facebook group with Anne (above) called Women Who Shed (but who still mysteriously keep growing new hair). I would love to get rid of our carpets and get a Roomba. How fun!
C.B. Jones: Be careful what you wish for, mister.
absepa: You speak the truth, sister. A big, crazy mop of hair leads only to gag-inducing messes. There is just no way around it. Maybe I’ll get mine cut at least to shoulder-length one of these days. At least it’d give me a blog post.
shakespeare: You fell right into my trap! Which was . . . well, now I don’t know. But regardless: great answer to my question. And now I’m all confused. I guess you’re lucky that your hair took it upon itself to deal with your anatomical stress. But still: an entire head of hair a day? That’s like Chia magic!
Our resident feline furball, aka Sophie, sheds like mad. Our vacuum cleaner just doesn’t pick up the hair at all.
We use a rubber broom called a Sweepa. http://www.simplygoodstuff.com/rubber_brooms.htm
I’ve also seen them sold at Targhay. They also sell them at State Fairs.
Before we vacuum, we Sweepa. When I do the stairs, when I’m done, I’ve got enough hair for a kitten. No lie. And to look at the stairs before, it really doesn’t look like there could be that much hair, but there is. The next time I do the stairs, I should take a photo.
When we clean the carpets we always sweepa first, otherwise it the hair clogs the carpet cleaner.
Get a sweepa.
Lola’s last blog post..if I had only known – they watched so I didn’t have to
What happened to my post?
Lola’s last blog post..if I had only known – they watched so I didn’t have to
Dang it!
Our resident feline furball, aka Sophie, sheds like mad. Our vacuum doesn’t even pick up her hair, it just gets caught up in the roller brush part.
We use a Sweepa before we vacuum.
http://www.simplygoodstuff.com/rubber_brooms.htm
They also sell them at Targhay and at State Fairs.
When I Sweepa the stairs, I end up with enough hair for a kitten. No lie!
When we clean the carpets we have to Sweepa first too, otherwise it clogs up our upright carpet cleaner.
Get a Sweepa, you’ll be amazed at how much hair your vacuum doesn’t even pick up (if indeed it was picking up any in the first place.)
Lola’s last blog post..if I had only known – they watched so I didn’t have to
I’d say this is really weird and gross and stuff–but when my daughter had long hair, I was always cutting it off the roller of the vacuum cleaner. And digging it out of the drains. It seems like it was everywhere! Ick.
Maybe you could just shave your head. Well, it’s an idea.
Lin’s last blog post..Showdown at Big Sky
hey JD,
You’re about twenty years too late, or you could have invented the Flowbee! ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flowbee )
Steve, the trade show guru
Trade Show Guru’s last blog post..The Dirty Little Secret to Designing Great Trade Show Exhibits
girlfriend, that’s enough hair to make a wig and sell it on ebay. i hope you did not throw that good hair out.
you’ll have to sell the wig “as is” or slightly burnt though.
Natural’s last blog post..I’m Not Dead, yet
2 suggestions: Only comb/brush your hair outside OR vacuum every other day.
Angelika’s last blog post..I’ve never understood the whole "age" thing.
i think there is more hair in your vacuum cleaner bag in that picture than I have on my head. And it is way too fine, too – mine, I mean, not yours… my ~darling~ daughter likes to taunt me for it…
“look mom, I can see your scalp”
SHE also has very fine hair…but many millions of times more of it than her sister or I do.
Life is just unfair sometimes, eh?
flit’s last blog post..Another Reason to Love Living in Cottage Country
Hahahahaha! We have the same problem in our house, only it’s OH’s hair that clogs things up. It’s long, you see, and very fine. He tries to say it’s mine, but mine is not silver!!! LOL!
I’m sure I can see a devil face with glowing eyes in that extreme close up. Probably best Dave didn’t make a doll with that lot …
“…but still worthwhile sister charity Garbage Wigs.” Har!
For the record, I shed enough hair when styling my tresses in the morning to make a new Kathy head. When I’m done, I gather all the little tumbleweeds, ball it up and chuck it. My garbage can looks much like yours. Every. Day.
Now, my stylist says I should never pluck my gray hairs or they might never grow back in and I’ll be BALD one day. Fat chance. I have enough hair to go around. Still trying to figure out how I can transplant the hair I lose to the head of my hairless husband. We’re supposed to recycle, aren’t we?
Kathy’s last blog post..In Case of Donut Emergency
Lola: ACK! Sorry. Akismet strikes again. Sweepa, eh? Never heard of it, and it looks AWESOME! I’m going to Target today so I may check it out. Thank you. (It was worth three comments, wasn’t it?) I’m gettin’ a SWEEPA!
Lin: Oh, how I would love to shave my head. It’s not just an idea, it’s a GREAT idea; unfortunately, I signed a contract when I got married that I would never cut my hair, never mind shave it. “Ick,” indeed.
Trade Show Guru: HA! You know, I never really knew exactly what a Flowbee does, so THANK YOU for that link. Why, did you know the Flowbee can also be used on long-haired dogs such as Maltese or Bichon Frise? And now . . . JD!
Natural: Heh. Yeah, definitely “as is” or “Condition: Acceptable.” I don’t think most people would mind wearing a Garbage Wig. Baldies can’t be choosers.
Angelika: OK, the second suggestion is completely unrealistic (but thank you!) and the first suggestion is brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that? It might get a little uncomfortable in winter, but who cares?
flit: Hmmm. You might want to remind your “darling” daughter that because she takes after her dear old mom, she can likely look forward to the same hair fate. Maybe life isn’t so unfair?
Jay: I think you’re right. Maybe hair goes through some kind of evil transformation once it’s been wound around the vacuum cleaner brush. I’m glad now I threw it away.
Kathy: Yeah, what is it with losing all this hair but never achieving baldness? And your stylist is right! Or so I’ve heard. Stop plucking! You and I both need to find a way to transplant our hair onto our bald husbands. (I’m not sure your Dave could rock the black ringlets, tho.)
Yes. I am familiar with the concept of vacuum bags stuffed with hair. I have 3 cats, two dogs and a bird. No, not a hairy bird. Peety supplies the feather part of the jam-crammed vacuum bag.
Yesterday my vacuum simply stopped picking up anything. So, I opened it up and the bag almost attacked me. If something is not under my nose, literally, I don’t notice it (nor does my husband.)
If I had a ton of hair, from my own head, to suck up I would be thrilled!!!!
Have a great day!
Viveca
Viveca’s last blog post..3 Free Ways to De-Stress Today!
You’ve outdone yourself on this one. You had me at “horrifying combination of stenches.”
Our poor vacuum cleaner needs to be totally flushed out at least once every other month with an abundance of cat and human hair. I never knew I could have balled it all up and sent it to “Garbage Wigs.”
Kewl! I hope Targhay still carries them.
For a minute when I saw the title of this post, I also thought of the Flowbee. We actually had one (ex ordered it or scammed it for free), never used it. I think I have it in a box somewhere. If I come across it, it will definitely make for a good blog post.
Lola’s last blog post..I need to know what I’m getting into…
Eww, Eww, EWWW!
I have so say, I too abhore that roller thingy. I often have to take sharp scissors to it to cut away hair from not only three humans, but three cats and a dog…
Well, at least the fish don’t shed hair.
Gah. Off to take a Gravol and try to erase the images you posted from my memory.
Maureen’s last blog post..Math For Cat Owners
Eeeeew!!!
LOL
Daisy’s last blog post..Wednesday Wishes IX
and i thought i shed a lot of hair… you win! hahaha
30ats’s last blog post..Nostalgia: You’ve Got Mail
Viveca: Welcome to you and your hair (and feathery) menagerie! My hair doesn’t even make it to the bag stage, but the pounds of cat hair do. As for a hairy bird, that would be quite a sight. I think it would be fun to try to vacuum such a bird. It could be a challenge, trying not to vacuum him up entirely. Just thinking aloud.
MomZombie: Yeah, Garbage Wigs! For the less discerning bald woman. And now you know.
Lola: YES! Please blog about the Flowbee. It was mentioned previously . . . oh, yeah, Trade Show Guru. Anyway, I hope you find it. And maybe I’ll blog about my new SWEEPA!
Maureen: Sorry about your memory. Is the image gone yet? I guess you’ll want to skip my post titled “I Pull Hair out of My Drain so you don’t have to”?
Daisy: You said it!
30ats: I WIN! WOO-HOO!
JD:
I think we have you beat by many miles. You see my wife has a soft spot for abandoned animals, and there are very many here in Brasil.
Over the years she has rescue many. Since I arrived here 4 years ago we have lost 8 dogs but there are still eleven left. Hair? What is that? Is that white fluff on the floor, sofa, bed, chair.verandah or even in the laundry that returns within five minutes of sweeping or vacuuming?
I thought it was all angel hair just coming by to make life enjoyable.
We have a maid come by every second week and she spends the entire day cleaning up the angel hair. It is all back about a half hour after she leaves.
At least I don´t contribute to it. I discovered the joy of the Telly Savalas or Yul Brynner look. As the saying goes, God Loves Bald men . . the rest he gave hair to. LOL. I ask you one favour . . . . Please, never cut your hair. I adore women with long hair!
Urso Branco
I have a Roomba that I regularly have to dismantle and de-hair (although not as much hair, but then we don’t have cats and our dogs don’t shed). Still, I keep it around because I feel like Jane Jetson when I have it running. Now if only I could find that automatic manicure machine…
feefifoto’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Why Are So Many People Searching For Oompa Loompas?
Urso Branco: I love “angel hair”! I can certainly regard my pets’ hair as angel hair, but mine is more like Satan hair. But for you, I will never cut it! I promise! (And I love bald men. My husband is near-bald. I wish he had your good attitude about it!)
feefifoto: The robot on that show used to scare the hell out of me . . . Rosie! I think because there must’ve been at least one episode when she went berserk. ANYway, I still want a Roomba. AND an automatic pedicure machine.
I vacuum mine then glue it back on my scalp! … (why waste hair??)
Eric “Speedcat Hollydale”’s last blog post..Economic Tragedy of Epic Proportions in Hollydale Fueled by Speedcat’s Ponzi Scheme
Eric “Speedcat Hollydale”: Huh. But what about the garbage? Or maybe you keep a cleaner house than I do? Or maybe you just don’t care? I’m intrigued . . .
I’m just guessing here, but somehow I think Locks of Love might object to bits of pasta in the hair they receive. I mean, I could be wrong. But I think charities’ standards are a bit higher than they used to be.
Jenn Thorson’s last blog post..Aerobics for the Hopelessly Uncoordinated
Jenn Thorson: Pfffft. Who is Locks of Love to be so picky? They’ll take what they get and LIKE IT!
Wow, and I thought I was losing a lot of hair!
Liggy: Well, now, you still might be. My hair is pretty long. It looks like a lot more than it is.
Too funny!
As a salon owner, I rarely get grossed out by hair in the vacuum cleaner…but, with kids and animals in the house, I often find fur of unknown origin (perhaps bunnies the cat drug in)?