Something’s been bothering me lately and, not surprisingly, it has to do with butts.
Butts. We all have one. Hopefully only one! Wait . . . nope! I knew it. There’s at least one poor guy out there with two.
Anyway, for those of us who have only one butt, it’s pretty obvious that this part of the anatomy was not exactly designed for ease of access by its owner. For example, notice how your butt is not on your face? There’s a reason for that. It’s because it’s a butt. It belongs behind you, and that is why it’s euphemistically referred to as your “behind” or “rear.”
Which makes the existence of suppositories even more mysterious and WTF.
I was once prescribed a suppository. I can’t remember what it was for, because nature provides us with amnesia for those situations. I do recall that I was able to hold the suppository near my butt; however, I never worked up the courage to put it in there, because . . . that’s my butt! I could get it close to the, you know, but I couldn’t make myself actually insert it. It’s like trying to punch yourself. Your body has a built-in defense mechanism to keep things like that from happening.
I also remember that I had to lie on my side. Think about it. There’s really no other way to get the job done. Because it’s BEHIND you. Like, wa-a-a-ay back there. And then also UP.
So I get confused and angry whenever I see Hollywood take the easy way out when depicting suppository scenes.
Twice now I’ve watched movie characters stick stuff up their butts as if they were shoving popcorn into their mouths. Remember the scene in Trainspotting, where Ewan McGregor’s character simply slips his hand down the back of his jeans and pops those pills up his butt? Same thing with Jonah Hill in Get Him to the Greek. When he’s asked to “put the candy in the jar,” he wanders behind a potted plant and, with just the slightest of grimaces, crams it up there.
It’s impossible! Standing erect, fully clothed, not even loosening the pants? It simply cannot be done, unless you have a extra-long giant arm or maybe are double-jointed.
It’s criminal to misrepresent this complicated and difficult procedure, especially when, according to the Worm Guru, we’ve ALL got gross, itchy butt worms and will need to not only make our own suppositories but learn how to get them up there.
I say, good luck with that. I’ll be swallowing my butt-worm suppository. It’ll get down there one way or another, right?
Please share your suppository and/or butt-worm stories. If anyone out there can do it standing up? I’m gonna need to see the video.
Pills came from here.