I Take Drugs

And the ones that mother gives you
Don’t do anything at all *


Oh, not those kinds of drugs, you big ninnies! At least, not anymore (that’s a whole ‘nother post). No, I’m talking about strictly legal but nevertheless potent and delicious drugs—the kind your doctor (if your doctor is a drug pusher, like mine) is more than happy to fork over.

But lately I’ve begun to wonder: is it actually possible to take too many pills?

Last time I checked, I had definitely not turned into one of those querulous old people who hang out at the pharmacy, so there had to be another reason for the horrifying event that took place when I went to the drugstore to pick up a prescription.

The pharmacist addressed me by name.

People, she knew me! On sight! And it’s not like I live in Mayberry, nor was she even one of the full-time pharmacists. She knew me, because I’m there every other freaking day. Pickin’ up my pills.

I laughed kind of nervously and said, “Oho! That’s not a good sign! You don’t want to be well-known at the pharmacy!” She smiled as if she agreed with me. Damn! Now I’m being judged by pharmacists? I grabbed my pills and ran out, swearing never to return, but of course I’ll have to go back . . . let’s see, probably tomorrow.

And before you say anything, I do get some pills by mail. It’s cheaper and there is far less judging involved. But sometimes you just have to make the transaction in person.

Pills are easy and they usually get the job done. Sometimes they have side effects, but if you don’t operate heavy machinery or mind a little vomiting, those are not so much an issue. Often, you get bonus side effects, like drowsiness. Drowsiness is good! Y’all are all way too stressed out as it is.

Most people keep their pills on a shelf in their bathroom. I require an entire kitchen cabinet. Dave, who is rarely sick, was looking for Emergen-C or something similar to stave off a cold. He began the intrepid journey through my stockpile of pills, but was quickly frightened away.

“What all have you got in there?”

It’s no wonder he was freaked out. Take a look at his medicine cabinet:


And mine:


Please bear in mind: I don’t take all of these (at once); some are old prescriptions that I like to keep around . . . just in case. Some are buy-one-get-one free supplements. But, yes, there are some hardcore drugs in there. For which I have a bona fide prescription. From a trained medical doctor.

The weird thing is, I actually have a lot of faith in Eastern medicine. I’ve had acupuncture, massage, even healing touch, and I’ve usually gotten good results. But . . . pills are so easy.

People complain about those of us who depend on pills to ease our aches and pains. “Oh, they just want a quick fix.” Um, yeah. I do. Take another look at that sentence. It contains the words “quick” and “fix.” Should I be looking for something that will take years and might not work?

Plus, it’s so easy to get pills. I never leave my doctor’s office without a prescription or samples. Recently I saw an orthopedist about back pain and headaches. Before I knew it, I had a bottle stuffed with Vicodin and a handful of Neurontin. You remember my procedure from last month? Well, I was originally s’posed to have it done in a doctor’s office, heavily dosed with Vicodin instead of anesthesia. The venue was moved to the hospital, so, theoretically, I didn’t need that prescription. And yet, there I was, with another jam-packed bottle of Vicodin. Score!

I do make an effort to lessen my dependency on pills. I recently bought a book called Break Through Pain, but I have yet to crack it open. Because, you see, there are pills for that. And as long as that’s the case, I’ll put up with judgemental pharmacists to get my fix.

If you want to take drugs
  • Make sure your drugs are the legal kind. That street meth is nothing but trouble. So I hear.
  • Bone up on your drug interractions. I recently took an antibiotic that clashed with something else I was taking. The prescribing doctor should have known that would happen. Luckily, I didn’t die, but for three days, I wished I had.
  • Try not to become a total addict. There are lots of good alternatives . . . BUT THEY’RE SLOW AND INEFFECTIVE (kidding!)

* Today’s lyrics are courtesy of Jefferson Airplane

I bet the folks at humor-blogs take a lot of pills.

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24 Responses to “I Take Drugs”

  1. 1 Natasha

    Heya JD,

    I have to admit that your post made me smile a bit… I kept thinking, “I can’t believe she wrote a post on how she loves to pop pills.”

    Yet here’s a sad truth, there’s nothing humorous about many of the drugs on the market. Till this day, I believe that it was the medications that my mother was own that left her in the condition that she is in today. So yes, in some way they do bring a quick fix, but at what cost? Just something to think about.

    Natasha’s last blog post..A Letter to My Mom

  2. 2 Jackie

    You don’t have to worry about taking pills so I don’t have to. I rather enjoy doing that myself.

    Legally…. even if the prescription is old… I still got ‘em legally.

  3. 3 JD

    Natasha: You’re absolutely right. I’m glad you saw my post for what it is–something to make you smile and hopefully think. I’m so sorry about your mom. I agree: there are too many dangerous drugs out there and too many doctors willing to prescribe them. We all need to take responsibility for our health and try not to rely too much on doctors and pills.

    Jackie: Well, that makes me feel better . . . sort of.

    JD’s last blog post..I Take Drugs so you don’t have to

  4. 4 Kathy

    Quite frankly, I see no reason anyone should suffer in pain if a pill will alleviate it. What purpose does it serve to let people live an agonizing existence? Yes, there is the risk of dependence, but for some people. if they’ve tried lesser remedies that haven’t worked, then it’s off to the pharmacy!

    As for me, I’m a cheap date. I’m lucky that a very small dose of any pain pill is enough. Many are not so lucky.

    JD, I think you have enough drugs in that cabinet to cover all the readers of your blog! Are you willing to share?

    Kathy’s last blog post..My Co-Worker Farts

  5. 5 Marie

    I had a natural childbirth (water birth) with my daughter, and it was actually less painful than the medicated one with my son. But the afterpains were so horrible I had a seizure. It didn’t occur to me until later that it might have helped if I’d at least popped a freaking Advil.

    Marie’s last blog post..How Mad is MadMad?

  6. 6 Corrina

    Vicodin is a wonderful pal to have. If I didn’t have it, for 4 days every month, I would surely hurt someone.

    And thank you for adding me to your blogroll! Ya big sweetie pants!

    Oh and I’m stealin’ the CommentLuv plugin thing. (Even though nothing ever seems to find my feeds!) :-)

  7. 7 JD

    Kathy: Thanks, Kathy. I’m not necessarily proud of my pill-popping habit, but it’s certainly made my life easier in about a hundred ways. And I’d be more than happy to share . . . my vitamins. Hands off the Vicodin!

    Marie: Oh, my GOSH! That sounds awful. You must really have been suffering. Yes, sometimes all it takes is a freaking Advil to feel better. I hope you never have to experience that kind of pain again.

    Corrina: Yup, I loves me some Vicodin. Taken as needed, of course. And you are so welcome–you absolutely belong on EVERYone’s blogroll (aw, you called me a big sweetie pants!) Isn’t CommentLuv great? I wish everyone used it.

    JD’s last blog post..I Take Drugs so you don’t have to

  8. 8 Canucklehead

    Even as someone living in the (relatively) moderate country of Canada – I still refuse to post any comment here .. oh wait, there’s a knock at the door ….

    /shuffles off to flush stash

  9. 9 cyberpunk

    I don’t have qualms with taking pills when I feel sick. Some people insist on not taking medicine and I roll my eyes at them.

    But my medicine cabinet looks more like Dave’s, not yours :D

    cyberpunk’s last blog post..Seven Weird Things About Me

  10. 10 Tim

    Did you say that the doctor prescribed meth is much less dangerous? I’m not sure if I can get behind that ;)

    Tim’s last blog post..Red Deer Digest: Local Red Deer News & Events

  11. 11 JD

    Canucklehead: Hey, a lot of my drugs come from YOUR country, so never mind the secrecy–we know you’ve got the goods!

    Cyberpunk: Yup, I do a fair amount of eye-rolling myself. Still, I think it’s probably healthier to have an empty-ish medicine cabinet than one so stuffed you can’t find your vi . . . tamins.

    Tim: Errmmmm . . . not in so many words, I didn’t. You have to read between the lines here.

    JD’s last blog post..I Take Drugs so you don’t have to

  12. 12 Jeff

    This reminds me of that commercial where the woman was spying on the guy’s medicine cabinet and the glass shelf broke and all the crap crashed to the floor. Or was that Seinfeld? Hmm, now I don’t actually remember.

    Jeff’s last blog post..No, really… it wasn’t me!

  13. 13 Sabrina's Money Matters

    @ Jeff – I think that was a Snickers commercial – whoever has that tagline “Wanna get away…?”.


    Sabrina’s Money Matters’s last blog post..Friday Frustration!

  14. 14 JD

    Jeff and Sabrina: Hmmm. Now that’s gonna bug me. It sounds familiar…runs off to Google/YouTube for the rest of the day…

    JD’s last blog post..I’ve Seen David Strathairn in His Underwear so you don’t have to

  15. 15 mlm

    The ad was for Southwest Airlines. They had a whole campaign based on hilarious ads like that…

  16. 16 Stephanie Barr

    Glad you’re doing this for me. I take as few pills as I can get away with and I’ve had a dozen prescriptions for vicodin I’ve never taken.

    Of course, after the botched epidural when my youngest was born, I would have HAPPILY taken one then for the five day spinal headache. But, this one and only time, no one gave me a prescription.

    Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..What do you know about tin whiskers?

  17. 17 Kris

    Thanks for the good work guys,i am glad to see finally what you have been working on all these months

  18. 18 Diana

    Heya, JD…

    I too have to take a boatload of meds. Ain’t it fun? Seriously, though, I sure can empathize ’cause I’m there. Five meds for illness “x”. three for illness “y”, and so forth and so on.

    I sure hope you don’t mind my linking to the woman/pill bottle image at the top of this post. It fit today’s blog perfectly. (If it is not your image, please let me know whose it is so I can get an OK from him/her.) Thanks mucho.


  19. 19 JD

    Diana: I’m sorry to hear you’re a pill-head, too. The image (thanks for asking) is more or less mine. It belongs to my husband’s graphic arts collection. I’ve never had to credit the source, so feel free to use it. It’s a fun one, isn’t it! Good luck with your own giant pill bottle!

  20. 20 Buy Multivitamins

    I get horrible headachs and my doctor has given me medication and it is not working. Do you have any advice on certain medications I could take or anything natural that may help?

  21. 21 Lori

    There are so many negative side effects that I stay as far away from them as possible.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..Contact Us =-.

  22. 22 old hippie Gemma

    Hey JD:
    I saw you mention in one of your blogs that you had herniated discs. I too have five ruptured lumbar discs. The pain is freakin’ excruciating unless I am on drugs (legal like yours). Of course you and I will probably have to have surgery at some point but my Neurosurgeon told me to try to hold off as long as is humanly possible. The recovery from spinal fusion is almost a freakin’ year. There are many judgmental people out there who think we should “suck it up” but I’d like to see them feel the kind of pain we have 24/7 for even a second! Who’s the big guy then, I ask? It’s great that you are doing Bikram Yoga because that happens to be the ONLY thing other than morphine and vicodin that helps me at all. I’m glad you are not afraid to blog about stuff like this; there are alot of us out there who don’t give a CRAP whether we are “dependent” on pills; I’m upright, aint I? Big whoop.

  23. 23 JD

    old hippie Gemma: YAY! I love your attitude, you old hippie! Thanks so much for stopping by. Yes, drugs, Bikram, and also Rolfing have all kept me from pretty much giving up, so I am grateful for them all. But especially the drugs. KIDDING! No, I’m not. But yeah, I don’t think a lot of people really understand the type of pain involved here. And I hope they never do. A good attitude helps, as well, and it sounds like you have that in spades. Best of luck to you, and thanks again for writing.

  1. 1 Oh, those little details! « Guatemala 101


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