I STILL Do Things (damn it!)

I’m back in the saddle again
I’m BAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!

Wake up your neighbors, lock up your children, dress up your cats, and start frying the bacon.

JD IS BACK (and better than ever? YES, duh!).

Phew. So, how do you blog again? I know it has something to do with words and pictures.

Deep-fried Twinkie

There! Am I done? Geez, that was easy. Why the huge delay? Except it literally took me 10 minutes to remember how to insert a picture.

Yeah. It’s been a while. And yeah, I, too, am damn sick of looking at that same fireman post. MOVE IT, fireman post!

I appreciate the thousands of cards and letters and gifts of cash that came streaming in mere hours after my last post. I shan’t bore you with the details of my absence . . . or shall I? No, I shan’t. Mostly because I love saying “shan’t.”

Let’s go back in time, shan’t we? (Doesn’t work — ed.) To an almost interminable (for you) three months and 11 days ago:

OCTOBER 17, 2010

At the time, I didn’t realize it would be my last post of the year. I also didn’t realize I’d get 92 comments on that post — most of them bitching about where was I and why wasn’t I doing things? No worries, I thought. I was sure I’d post again . . . any day now!

Every now and then, I’d peer into my drafts folder for inspiration. Ooh! Here’s “Ideas for Return Post.” Bingo how fun! I knew it would be jam-packed with funny and cute and sparkling gems and bon mots and such. Here’s a screen-shot:

No, you’re not blind. There’s nothing there. Why I felt the need to save a draft post filled with pure emptiness is a question for larger brains than mine.

Oh but then OK! I found “Ideas for NEXT Post.” Whew, this is it. Anticipatingly(?), I opened it to find an array of one-line ideas for posts:

  • I can’t find that one gray shirt (insert photo of other gray shirts)
  • I have a superefficient method for storing cords (photo of tangled cords in basket)
  • I hog all the dressing (photo of tiny amount of dressing I left for Dave. Dressing vs. stuffing?)

. . . ?

After a while, I was afraid to even go to my site, for fear I’d see something like this:

Time passed. My brain grew emptier. Even my Facebook updates were lame:

Julia DeGraf is thankful she didn’t throw up in a hot yoga class of 50-plus.

Hahahahahahaha . . . ha . . . ha . . . no.

But comments and e-mails continued to roll in, like this comment on my Mad Cow post:

hey b**ch mad cow disease aint funny people die from it b**ch i hope for all you do get the disease you stupid uneducated sl*t

to which I gleefully responded:

The very fact that you are unable to see the humor in Mad Cow Disease is clear evidence that you, in fact, suffer from Mad Cow Disease.

Then there was this perfectly reasonable e-mail from a disgruntled Kindle user:

I love your blog, but I’ve had to drop it from my Kindle since you haven’t posted anything new since October! Even a dollar a month is too much to pay for nothing. Hope you start posting again, soon.

to which I gleefully responded:

The very fact that you would even pay a dollar a month to read my blog is clear evidence that you, in fact, suffer from Mad Cow Disease.

NO! Kindle users, please come back! Those dollars pay for my much-needed sushi! I love you — I love you all!

And I’m sorry.

Sorry for not being here to do things so you don’t have to.

Some of my Facebook friends (who apparently weren’t completely repulsed by my lame status updates) came to my rescue with suggestions of things I could do: Eat some mealworms! Go into outerspace! Learn German! Pee your pants during Laughter Yoga! (done, only it was Bikram yoga), Skydive! Ride a motorcycle! Interview a clown (aw hell no). Eat crickets! Eat by yourself! EAT A DONUT CHEESEBURGER!

Whether or not I will do any of these things remains to be seen. What is certain, however, is that I will continue to do things.

Things!

Glorious, stupid, frantic, sizzling THINGS!

Wondrous, magical, fantabulous, cray-zay things, the nature of which . . .

OK, I’m probably just gonna write about that time I ate a deep-fried Twinkie.

But admit it: You’re glad I did it, aren’t you?

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52 Comments


52 Responses to “I STILL Do Things (damn it!)”

  1. 1 Christa

    Cool. What pose were you in during Bikram that made you pee your pants. Inquiring giggly minds want to know. *crickets*

    I’m glad you’re back and I don’t even have Mad Cow disease!

    Just remember. Do things to make YOU happy first. At the beginning, middle and end of the day, it’s really just all about YOU anyway. :-D

    Now go flame a marshmallow and fling it into outer space so I don’t have to….capiche?

    word to your momma and s**t like that!

    gmao (giggling my ass off)

  2. 2 Stephanie Barr

    Yay! Always a pleasure to see you!

  3. 3 Babs

    Now I want (need) to know what a Twinkie is, and don’t think I’ve forgotten that you owe me one. No, not a Twinkie. You thought I’d forget if you left it long enough, didn’t you?

    Glad to see you back :)

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  4. 4 Ron

    Holy cow, I’m just so freakin’ glad you’re back I could poop!

    When I saw you on my reader, I JUMPED for joy, “Yaaaaaay…JD is back!!!!”

    “OK, I’m probably just gonna write about that time I ate a deep-fried Twinkie.

    But admit it: You’re glad I did it, aren’t you?”

    Yes, but no matter what you write about….I’ll be here, girl!

    Sooooooo happy you’re back! Have a super weekend!

    X

  5. 5 absepa

    JD’s back–squeeeee! I was so glad to see your new post in my feed reader, I could have hugged you. Thanks tons for eating that Twinkie…I think they’re kind of gross, even in their natural un-fried state.
    absepa´s last blog post ..How do I hate thee- AT&ampT Oh- Im going to count the ways

  6. 6 Linda

    Welcome back! I was getting tired of doing things for myself. ;)

  7. 7 Kathleen Kaufman

    I don’t know where you actually get the crickets….I suggest you catch the crickets, dry them and season them with your choice of spice so I don’t have to! Yay!

    Actually, I’m no fan of crickets, but I don’t think I’d be able to look in their little beady cricket eyes and spice them up with the intention of eating them. How do you even dry a cricket? Toaster oven? I suppose that would be a toasted cricket then….

    Actually I have a new suggestion for you that doesn’t involve eating anything jumpy. Can you wait for the motherfreakin’ repairman that is keeping me hostage in my house whilst I wait for him to come and fix the heat so I don’t have to? I’ve been waiting since yesterday, he promised to come before 11am,but it’s on the ugly end of that promise and he’s still not here. If you come by, you can raid my fridge, drink all my beer, and take care of my 100yr old cat (that’s cat years, not human years…)
    Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog post ..Why Tiger Mothers Are Superior At Selling Books

  8. 8 Stephanie Barr

    Hey, since you’re back and all, would you do my taxes so I don’t have to?
    Stephanie Barr´s last blog post ..A Little Perspective

  9. 9 Anne

    I would love to read about you eating a deep friend Twinkie, mostly because anything deep fried is fabulous. We have definitely missed you! Welcome back.

  10. 10 Stacie Najera

    You shan’t not leave us like that again, JD. It’s just not right. However, I am more than thrilled to see a new post!
    Stacie Najera´s last blog post ..Well- that figures

  11. 11 puglette

    hello!! so happy to see your blog again. :o) i am afraid i have lost all writing ability for good. even my comments are bland and flavorless.

    oh! i do have a request, would you explain to employers that 53 is not too old? that at 53 a woman has experience and will be a more dependable employee than a 20 something party animal?

    yes, i am still crabby and unemployed. dammit!
    but sooo happy to hear your voice again.
    hugs,
    puglette
    :o)

  12. 12 flit

    I can’t believe I just sat here in my car and typed all that just so that I could see if my blackberry will let me tell you how happy I am to see that you are still not dead! Welcome back.
    flit´s last blog post ..SENT!

  13. 13 Surfie

    Hooray! It’s so good to see you back. :) I did something today so YOU don’t have to! (Unless you already have. In which case my efforts were wasted. Almost.) I got a tattoo! Two, actually. :)

    I can’t wait to see what things you’ll do next. Welcome back!
    Surfie´s last blog post ..Motorcycle Mayhem- Part II

  14. 14 Grace

    Glad you are back!
    Grace´s last blog post ..Fun in the snow not! and More strange semi-dreams

  15. 15 LJ

    No need to apologize. You must know that you were missed, and are dearly loved – at least by me.
    LJ´s last blog post ..A New Read!!!

  16. 16 Peter Glickman

    Welcome back. Nice to see that you are active and posting again.
    Peter Glickman´s last blog post ..How To Make Green Tea Metabolism Work For You

  17. 17 Jeanie

    Great to have you back. I was worried.

  18. 18 Jen

    I want to see you eat the donut cheeseburger. That one almost sounds good.

    I’m so glad you are back, I really missed you.
    Jen´s last blog post ..I want to live in a hotel

  19. 19 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    Well if 20 freakin’ comments already on your first day back doesn’t tell you how much you’ve been missed, girrrrrrrrrl….

    Also? “Even a dollar a month is too much to pay for nothing” is awesome. I love that person whoever they are. Do they have any idea how possibly unintentionally hysterical they are?

    Welcome back. Gawd, I’ve missed you.

    ((HUGS AND KISSES AND MORE HUGS))
    Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog post ..Goat Thing of the Day- Nanny Goats in Diapers

  20. 20 Kathy

    Well, howdie girl! It’s so good to have you back. Remember when I told you how great it felt to be poking around last week looking for your nude beach posts for friends of mine? How great it felt to be here, even if you weren’t? Well, that feeling just got ratcheted up ten notches. I missed your voice too (as someone else put it). You didn’t miss a beat. I feel all cozy and comfortable again, settling back into your blog. It is a good day.

    p.s. I want to know what happened to that one gray shirt, so don’t nix that one, OK?
    Kathy´s last blog post ..Adventures of Bacon- The Blog!

  21. 21 Laura

    Glad to see you back. :)

  22. 22 Pricilla

    Welcome back. You could always come visit and get butt by Abby.

    I’m really happy to see you here again. we all missed you
    Pricilla´s last blog post ..AbbyDay – I Share Mallorys Story of Her Life Here at the Happy Goats Farm

  23. 23 cardiogirl

    JD, where were you when I needed you?

    Last week you could have written, “I Clean Vomit and Shit for Seven Days Straight So You Don’t Have To.”
    cardiogirl´s last blog post ..The book of questions- Volume 123

  24. 24 cardiogirl

    Oh yeah, welcome back.
    cardiogirl´s last blog post ..The book of questions- Volume 123

  25. 25 Daisy the Curly Cat

    Hooray, you’re back. I misseded you. You know, I actually think mealworms taste a little bit delicious. Bert & Ernie love to eat freeze-dried mealworms. It looks like they are eating sketti.

    ps: Bert & Ernie are gerbils.
    Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog post ..Gone Fishin

  26. 26 Jaffer

    Oh no ! Now I must read new posts for ‘JD Entertainment” instead of poking around the rest of the blog for nude beach photos !

  27. 27 JD

    Christa: Y’know, there’s so much sweating going on in Bikram, I figure I must’ve peed my pants at some point and just didn’t know it. *crickets*

    Stephanie Barr: Thank you!

    Babs: No, I haven’t forgotten. You would never let me forget! A Twinkie is a delicious preservative-laden snack cake that apparently never expires. Deep-fry it, and the cream center turns to delicious ooze. Shall I mail you one now?

    Ron: HI RON!!! (Did you poop?) It’s great to be back. You have a good weekend too, my friend.

    absepa: YAY! I think I felt your virtual hug. It was sweeter than a Twinkie (which, I have to confess, I rather love).

    Linda: Thanks! I know, I know. Nobody has to do anything anymore.

    Kathleen Kaufman: I think I’m only interested in packaged, pre-spiced crickets. With the eyeballs removed. And the legs and arms. And wings. Do crickets have wings? I regret ever agreeing to this. Yes, I think I’d even rather wait for your stupid repairman. God, tho, I hate that. But I would love to spend time with your 100-year-old cat. Maybe he/she can tell me where to find the crickets.

    Stephanie Barr: Er . . . no. But I highly recommend Dave. He does ours, and we usually seem to come out somewhat even most years.

    Anne: Thank you! I agree with your deep-fried philosophy. I hope you won’t get your hopes up too much tho. The Twinkie was kind of meh.

    Stacie Najera: HAHAHA! No, I shan’t.

    puglette: NO! Your comments are never bland and flavorless, and if you feel like writing again, you will. I’m so sorry you’re still unemployed. I agree that experience trumps youthfulness in the job market; I don’t know why employers don’t see it that way. I’m sending you good luck vibes. XO

    flit: Hee! I’m glad your BlackBerry allowed you to determine my status. ALIVE!

    Surfie: Wheee! I’m jealous! I want to get two small tattoos on either wrist, but as of now, I am tattoo-less, so your efforts were not wasted AT ALL! What are the tattoos? Pictures?

    Grace: Thanks, Grace!

    LJ: Aw, thank you. That means a lot.

    Peter Glickman: Thanks! It’s good to be back.

    Jeanie: No need to worry! Ol’ JD is fine.

    Jen: I missed you too. I missed everybody! And yes, I definitely will eat that donut cheeseburger. Even if I have to make it myself.

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): HUGS AND KISSES TO YOU!!!!! I actually wrote a very polite response to the Kindle e-mailer, but yeah, it was pretty freaking funny. And I totally agree!

    Kathy(-bell): You’re such a sweetie. Thanks for the kind words — they mean a lot to me. And yes, I will definitely follow through on the gray shirt issue. I’m sure you’re not the only one concerned.

    Laura: Thanks, Laura! Good to be back.

    Pricilla: Oh, I plan to come over and visit Abby and everyone else. But she doesn’t necessarily have to butt me, does she?

    cardiogirl: I saw that! Look, posts like that one are EXACTLY why I took a hiatus. Seven days? I would’ve lasted one hour.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: HI DAISY! I hope you know that, even though I haven’t been commenting, I’ve been keeping up with your and Harley’s adventures. I know all about Bert and Ernie. I will send them any mealworms I may come across.

    Jaffer: Yes, no need! I’ve got some photos of my own . . .

  28. 28 Lauren

    I was so happy to finally see the firemen go away. They’ve been working overtime on the taxpayer’s dime, uh, er .999999% of a penny. After Dr. JD went away, I had no choice but to use the Google to answer pressing questions on zit popping and puss related issues. Thank God your back!!!
    Lauren´s last blog post ..P&G Swiffer Picks up Playboy Dust Bunny at Seedy Hollywood Bar

  29. 29 lin

    Criminy, you’ve been gone so long, I had to re-enter all my info here before I could comment. Yikes.

    Just glad you are back. :)
    lin´s last blog post ..The Cow is Dry

  30. 30 CatLadyLarew

    Well, it’s about damn time. I was getting pretty tired of having to do all those things you usually do for me! Welcome back!
    CatLadyLarew´s last blog post ..Step Right Up- Chelle!

  31. 31 Shieldmaiden1196

    Yaay!
    I too have experienced ‘a dryness’….otherwise known in my case as ‘a laziness’….lots to churn over in my head, but not so much about the synthesizing and writing business. I’m working on it though. Its great to have you back!

  32. 32 Babs

    JD, you don’t really have to do that thing. I’m teasing you. I know you’ve been on a break from blogging, so you are released from the burden ;)
    Babs´s last blog post ..I hate shopping for clothes

  33. 33 Nicky

    I shan’t make suggestions for your next post (although you raising my children so I don’t have to would be REALLY, REALLY funny).

    I shall just sit here and smile because you are back. :-)

  34. 34 JD

    Lauren: Yes, those poor firemen have finally been put out of their misery. Dr. JD will be back, I think, so if you have any medical issues, maybe hang onto them. I’d HATE for you to rely on the Google!

    lin: Sorry for the inconvenience! I’ve had to do the same for all the blogs I haven’t been visiting lately, too. IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK!

    CatLadyLarew: I know. I’m sorry. Maybe you can bill me?

    Shieldmaiden1196: Thank you! Yeah, I figure all the best bloggers have gone through an . . . absence of some sort. I hope this will be my last one for a while.

    Babs: I know, sweetie! But I truly haven’t forgotten, and I truly DO want to do it. I just never seem to have just the right topic.

    Nicky: Ah. An appreciative smile. I love it. Now what’s all this about children???

  35. 35 Regan

    JD! I missed you! I too was getting tired of that same fireman post. But I’m super happy you’re back :) I’ll take anything you post, even if it is just about a deep fried twinkie, which are awesome, by the way.

  36. 36 annofthejunkdrawerblogfamily

    So glad you’re back. I never took you off my favorites side bar. I had faith. You are number 2…right after Junk Drawer….sorry family first.

  37. 37 Dorn

    Welcome back! Paula Deen has your recipe for “The Luther” If you don’t have a coronary after eating your donut cheeseburger I’d love to hear how it goes.

  38. 38 dcr

    I appreciate the thousands of cards and letters and gifts of cash that came streaming in mere hours after my last post.

    Wait a minute… You got gifts of cash… For NOT blogging? How did they even know that was going to be your last post of the year? I’ll stop blogging if it means gifts of cash, especially cash numbering in the thousands. Do tell me more…
    dcr´s last blog post ..You Think I’m Clicking on THAT

  39. 39 muskrat

    You drive off kindle users so I don’t have to. Thanks for that.

  40. 40 Stephanie Barr

    It says something, I think, that you can be gone 3 months and have forty comments on your return post. We must really love you.

    I know I do.

    If I disappeared for three months, I’d have mostly that little cricket sound and maybe two comments, one of which would say, “Oh, were you gone?”

    (Yes, I’m jealous)
    Stephanie Barr´s last blog post ..Always Gotta Be Different

  41. 41 v

    welcome back to the blogging world. i bet the break was nice too, but you can’t stop writing, you must write as long as i will live. we sheep need someone to do things for us, literally. like, i haven’t washed my rump since your last post. can you take care of that please?

    and pass me a bar of soap.

  42. 42 meleah rebeccah

    Oh JD! Im so happy you’re back! Welcome home to blogville. You have been sorely missed. Im glad you’re doing things again so I don’t have to. And really, whoever doesn’t think MAD COW is totally funny – must be suffering from the disease!
    meleah rebeccah´s last blog post ..Where’s The Fire

  43. 43 JD

    Regan: Regan: HI REGAN! I missed you too! I’m glad to hear you’re not too picky. I do have some food posts up my sleeve.

    annofthejunkdrawerblogfamily: I understand (barely) about family. I’m honored to have the cherished second place under the esteemed Junk Drawer. Now. What do I have to do to knock her out of her top spot?

    Dorn: Oh, good. I’ll look that up. Trust Paula Deen to have that recipe. I’m excited. Two of my favorite foods. How could it POSSIBLY go wrong?

    dcr: Yeah, I can’t explain it. It’s as if people somehow knew I wouldn’t be posting for a while, and sent me cash as an incentive. Try it and see!

    muskrat: Crap. I hope my Kindle readers have a sense of humor. But still . . . 99 cents???

    Stephanie Barr: Aw, thank you, Stephanie. (But I think at least 35 of those commenters are just people who are too lazy to do their own things!)

    v: Uhhhh. I draw the line at rump washing, unless it’s my own, and sometimes even then. Regardless, it’s good to be back. I’m not planning on going anywhere (of course, I wasn’t planning on going anywhere this LAST time either!)

    meleah rebeccah: Thank you! I’m so happy to be back. I’ve missed everybody else in blogville too. Here’s to Mad Cow: HAHAHAHAHA!

  44. 44 Inked281

    When are facebook status updates not lame?
    Inked281´s last blog post ..If the past didnt stay in the past

  45. 45 julie

    I’m just signing on so I haven’t missed a thing… but hell, I’m gonna catch up because you had me at “deep fried twinkie.” zomg.
    julie´s last blog post ..The Dog

  46. 46 Jay from The Depp Effect

    Well, look at that! A POST!! Where have you been? What took you so long? And various similar questions, all designed to disguise the fact that my own blog has been pretty thin on the ground too and I’ve not been over anyway. LOL!

    So. You’re back, then? ;)
    Jay from The Depp Effect´s last blog post ..Che peccato!

  47. 47 Shaky Jake

    So proud to have you come back after all this time. I thought maybe you’d retired from blogging because the whole thing had become too political and/or not lucrative enough.

    But you’re back! You’re like the Jay-Z of blogging!
    Shaky Jake´s last blog post ..I Still Love the 90s Hard

  48. 48 JD

    julie: Nope, you haven’t missed a thing, but I do indeed recommend you dig through the archives. If you love deep-fried Twinkies, well . . . there’s a lot of that kind of stuff here. Welcome!

    Jay from The Depp Effect: Yes. I’m back. And so are you! So we’re even, aren’t we? Except I need to get out into blogland and reaquaint myself with all my faves.

    Shaky Jake: Well, it sure hasn’t been lucrative, but DANG, I will accept the title of Jay-Z of blogging. Thank you!

  49. 49 Lola

    {hugs} Welcome back!

    Hey can you look for a job for me so I don’t have to? Girl! It’s a beyotch out there!

    I won’t ask you to look for a partner so I don’t have to, cuz even though that’s frustrating as hell at times, sometimes it’s actually fun. Lol!

    Glad to see you back! You and Lin and I need to get together after snowmageddon is an old memory.
    Lola´s last blog post ..Snowmageddon At Lolas Diner

  50. 50 MomZombie

    See what happens when I take a nap? I miss the return of JD. Welcome back!
    MomZombie´s last blog post ..Xin Nian Kaui Le!

  51. 51 JD

    Lola: Yes! A springtime meet-up is just what we need. Name the time and place, and I’m there. As for job- and partner-searching, well, it sounds like you’ve got the latter covered. As for the first, geeez, tell me about it. GOOD LUCK!

    MomZombie: Wakey, wakey! And thank you!

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