Wake up your neighbors, lock up your children, dress up your cats, and start frying the bacon.
JD IS BACK (and better than ever? YES, duh!).
Phew. So, how do you blog again? I know it has something to do with words and pictures.
There! Am I done? Geez, that was easy. Why the huge delay? Except it literally took me 10 minutes to remember how to insert a picture.
Yeah. It’s been a while. And yeah, I, too, am damn sick of looking at that same fireman post. MOVE IT, fireman post!
I appreciate the thousands of cards and letters and gifts of cash that came streaming in mere hours after my last post. I shan’t bore you with the details of my absence . . . or shall I? No, I shan’t. Mostly because I love saying “shan’t.”
Let’s go back in time, shan’t we? (Doesn’t work — ed.) To an almost interminable (for you) three months and 11 days ago:
OCTOBER 17, 2010
At the time, I didn’t realize it would be my last post of the year. I also didn’t realize I’d get 92 comments on that post — most of them bitching about where was I and why wasn’t I doing things? No worries, I thought. I was sure I’d post again . . . any day now!
Every now and then, I’d peer into my drafts folder for inspiration. Ooh! Here’s “Ideas for Return Post.” Bingo how fun! I knew it would be jam-packed with funny and cute and sparkling gems and bon mots and such. Here’s a screen-shot:
No, you’re not blind. There’s nothing there. Why I felt the need to save a draft post filled with pure emptiness is a question for larger brains than mine.
Oh but then OK! I found “Ideas for NEXT Post.” Whew, this is it. Anticipatingly(?), I opened it to find an array of one-line ideas for posts:
- I can’t find that one gray shirt (insert photo of other gray shirts)
- I have a superefficient method for storing cords (photo of tangled cords in basket)
- I hog all the dressing (photo of tiny amount of dressing I left for Dave. Dressing vs. stuffing?)
. . . ?
After a while, I was afraid to even go to my site, for fear I’d see something like this:
Time passed. My brain grew emptier. Even my Facebook updates were lame:
Julia DeGraf is thankful she didn’t throw up in a hot yoga class of 50-plus.
Hahahahahahaha . . . ha . . . ha . . . no.
But comments and e-mails continued to roll in, like this comment on my Mad Cow post:
hey b**ch mad cow disease aint funny people die from it b**ch i hope for all you do get the disease you stupid uneducated sl*t
to which I gleefully responded:
The very fact that you are unable to see the humor in Mad Cow Disease is clear evidence that you, in fact, suffer from Mad Cow Disease.
Then there was this perfectly reasonable e-mail from a disgruntled Kindle user:
I love your blog, but I’ve had to drop it from my Kindle since you haven’t posted anything new since October! Even a dollar a month is too much to pay for nothing. Hope you start posting again, soon.
to which I gleefully responded:
The very fact that you would even pay a dollar a month to read my blog is clear evidence that you, in fact, suffer from Mad Cow Disease.
NO! Kindle users, please come back! Those dollars pay for my much-needed sushi! I love you — I love you all!
And I’m sorry.
Sorry for not being here to do things so you don’t have to.
Some of my Facebook friends (who apparently weren’t completely repulsed by my lame status updates) came to my rescue with suggestions of things I could do: Eat some mealworms! Go into outerspace! Learn German! Pee your pants during Laughter Yoga! (done, only it was Bikram yoga), Skydive! Ride a motorcycle! Interview a clown (aw hell no). Eat crickets! Eat by yourself! EAT A DONUT CHEESEBURGER!
Whether or not I will do any of these things remains to be seen. What is certain, however, is that I will continue to do things.
Glorious, stupid, frantic, sizzling THINGS!
Wondrous, magical, fantabulous, cray-zay things, the nature of which . . .
OK, I’m probably just gonna write about that time I ate a deep-fried Twinkie.
But admit it: You’re glad I did it, aren’t you?