Yeah, it took some help
With lots of machines, the experts could tell

laptop and flowers

Yup! I recently enjoyed a lovely stay at a 5-star hospital. And here’s what it was like.

My Digs

I had the best room on the floor. Far from the noise of the nurses’ station and set off so that the other patients couldn’t peer into my room when they walked around. I know this, because when I walked around, I could easily peer into theirs. Nevertheless, people still bothered me.

Hospital volunteer: “Harrumaharrumahoobaba?”

Annoyed JD: “Huh?

Hospital volunteer: “Whurrrhummanummabooba?”

Annoyed JD: “Old man say WHAT?”

Hospital volunteer: “Would you like a newspaper?”

Oh. Geez. I felt like getting up and offering him my bed. This poor old guy needed it more than I did.

JD drinks

I do love a strawed drink (note pinky finger).


The Staff

The nurses were awesome. Somehow I got on the subject of blogging (I SWEAR I didn’t bring it up) with the nurse who was inserting my IV, and she confessed to reading many blogs. “Have you heard of the Bloggess?” she asked. Damn it! I quickly gave her my card. “If you like the Bloggess, you might like my blog,” I suggested boldly AND SHE TOTALLY DID.

The Entertainment

Montel


I didn’t feel much like reading. Luckily, I had HDTV! Unluckily, not much was on, so I watched the Olympics. When one of the nurses commented on the fact that the Olympics were on, I said, “Yeah. I don’t usually watch them, but . . .” And she finished, “But now you have to.” That kind of summed up a lot of things about the hospital.

The Commode

I had a bad reaction to one of my medications and I ALMOST DIED. I may be exaggerating a bit. In truth, my heart rate and blood pressure plummeted to DANGEROUS lows (and I almost died). I was put on an IV and forbidden to walk. Even to the bathroom. You know what’s coming. Yes, the dreaded commode. I was like, Well, I’m just not going to go to the bathroom ever! But with 300 gallons of fluid pumping into my system, that proved a little difficult.

The commode is better than a bedpan sort of because you can at least pretend it’s a toilet, albeit a toilet IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR ROOM. But at least with the bedpan, they take it away whereas the commode just sits there judgmentally.

THE COMMODE

Lookit how close it is to my BED!!!


Breaking the Law, Breaking the Law

Even after the commode was removed, I wasn’t s’posed to walk on my own. I was told to call a nurse whenever I had to use the facilities. Um, I am JD. I go to the bathroom alone or not at all. “Not at all” was not an option, so I sneakily unplugged the IV machine and dragged it behind me. Hee hee hee, I thought to myself, plugging it back into the wall. They’ll never know!

Well, they totally knew. At first I suspected motion sensors, but apparently the nurses can tell when you unplug your IV machine. Dang! But they were cool, as I was obviously better than the day before, when I was pretty much in a coma and almost died.

IV and finger_1

The damn IV beeped constantly for no reason. Look! I’m pointing at something.


JD Needs . . .

Dave rushed to the hospital after getting the call from my mom. He grabbed a few things he thought I might need: A picture of Gus and Pru, my pink bathrobe, and a cat-shaped pillow. Aw! He also brought a rather skimpy nightie, which . . . no. Later he would return, weighed down with the essentials: laptop, iPod, camera, books, magazines, the mattress from our bed, and Gus.

I got to spend Valentine’s Day in the hospital . . .

candy

. . . and if you want proof of how awful I felt, I actually shared the candy with nurses and visitors instead of hiding it in my contraband drawer like the selfish pig I usually am.

stuff in my drawer

Contraband drawer

I don’t know why exactly I was hoarding Jell-o and crackers.

The Syrup-Stained Gown

Ah, hospital food! It tasted fine, but everything I ordered smelled like a dirty sponge. Sorry, hospital! I did enjoy the fact that you could order whatever you wanted, just like room service. But please don’t call it blueberry compote when it’s really just blueberries.

blueberries

NOT compote

The blueberry pancakes were pretty good, even though the room service lady ignored my plea for extra syrup and extra-EXTRA butter. Maybe because they know what happens when you eat pancakes in bed with one arm attached to an IV and a lot of hair in your face and a saggy gown. They do their best to make eating and drinking spill-proof, but my sheets were changed more than once that day, my friends.

straw in OJ

They put a straw in everything.


 

And Finally

weird symbol on bed

WTF does this mean? Even my doctor didn’t know. It was on the side of the bed, next to the speaker. I’m gonna go with:

“If your lungs are filled with branches, lie on your stomach.”

In conclusion, a hospital stay can be quite a lot of fun. Just don’t wear a skimpy nightie. You’ll want to be adequately covered when that old man busts in on you using the commode.


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62 Comments


62 Responses to “I Spent 5 Days and 4 Nights at a Luxury . . . Hospital”

  1. 1 CatLadyLarew

    You mean to say you almost DIED so I don’t have to? That’s taking it a bit too far, don’t you think JD? But I appreciate it, I really do!

    Hope you’re well on the road to recovery by now!
    .-= CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..Which Hat Would YOU Choose?: Theme Thursday =-.

  2. 2 ann

    Hope you’re ok now. I just hope if I ever do have to spend 5 days in a hospital someone brings me my laptop and camera.

  3. 3 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    I wanna know who you slept with to get the nice digs and the room service blueberry compote.
    .-= Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog ..Goat Thing of the Day: Rule #1, Vikings, and Nigerians =-.

  4. 4 babs - beetle

    You make a hospital stay sound quite nice. Well, at least not too awful.

    There you go again with the blueberry (dead fly) pancakes. Surely you can see the resemblance of squashed up blueberries in a pancake and a dead flies in a pancake? I imagine the flies may be a tad crunchy though.
    .-= babs – beetle´s last blog ..To build or not to build? =-.

  5. 5 Anjea

    The weird thing on the bed is for CPR – if you have to do CPR on a patient, that button is to lower the bed all the way to the ground and deflate the mattress so there is a firm surface on which to begin the chest compressions.

  6. 6 meleah rebeccah

    Good Lord woman. I’m sure glad you DIDN’T DIE! But you sure can make staying in a hospital sound ALMOST fun!

    I also hope someone can figure out what that last photo is really supposed to mean! Although “If your lungs are filled with branches, lie on your stomach” works for me!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently™ – My Week In Review [Part Six] =-.

  7. 7 Jaffer

    Ah … well … I can see you were well prepared for your stay !

    I never had to stay that long in a hospital, but if you were there 6 years ago at Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto, and saw a sleepy fat fellow looking for the bathroom … unaware of his big bum giving a peep show … hello !

  8. 8 Kathleen Kaufman

    I know why you hoarded jello and crackers, at least I know why I did…it was because I was a little afraid that they would forget to feed me (which happened) and I would be forced to subsist of a diet of ice chips for the remainder of my stay…so I hoarded juice boxes, jello and peanut crackers for a rainy day, which never came, so I just left my stash there for the nurses to find. I imagine it was a little like in Hoarders when they find the squished cat skeleton under the sofa.

    Yikes.

    Glad you’re feeling better!
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..The Winner of Super Fantastic Blog Contest! Emily Holman!!!!! =-.

  9. 9 dcr

    Every one I can think of right now who has gone to the hospital in the last few years has almost died. And it’s even more worrisome when you know people that go through “routine” procedures that hardly ever are an issue, yet they almost die.

    That’s why I try to stay out of those places.

    I need to drink more green tea…
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Snow Planet =-.

  10. 10 Aine

    I stayed five days in the hospital after open knee surgery and almost dying from the anesthetic. I don’t remember much from my hospital stay being that I was whacked out on morphine, I highly recommend this state when staying in the hospital. I do, however, kind of remember a bed pan, then came the commode thing. I also apparently left some kind of incoherent rambling message on one of my friends’ voicemail, on the night after my surgery. I have absolutely no memory of making this phone call. Since I’ve never listened to said voice mail, I plead innocence.
    .-= Aine´s last blog ..Present and Contemplative Friday =-.

  11. 11 Grace

    You make even a stay at the hospital funny – not so easy to do…I remember my last stay at one – I wasn’t laughing. I did read my chart tho and one of the nurses said I was very helpful (????)
    .-= Grace´s last blog ..Getting old… =-.

  12. 12 cardiogirl

    Snaps to Anjea for explaining the strange tree branch/lung/lie down thing. That’s a nugget worthy of Jeopardy.

    And now that I know what it means, it’s sort of freaky knowing that your DOCTOR did not know what it meant. I’m so glad you didn’t die in the hospital.

    But if you did I would expect one last post to explain what it was like.
    .-= cardiogirl´s last blog ..The book of questions, Volume 82 =-.

  13. 13 Daisy the Curly Cat

    Oh my Cod! I am so glad you did not get deaded! I been wondering about that commode… is it just for number 1, or for number 2, also? And is there litter inside?
    .-= Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog ..Proof that I am a little angel! =-.

  14. 14 Karen & Gerard Zemek

    I wouldn’t like that commode thing either–don’t blame you for unplugging your IV machine to use the bathroom. That’s so cool you had you camera and laptop so you could still blog while in there. I’d be stuck since I don’t have a laptop.
    .-= Karen & Gerard Zemek´s last blog ..We Went To The Great Lakes Science Center =-.

  15. 15 Barb at WillThink4Wine

    I’ve only had to stay overnight in the hospital once. I did NOT use the commode. I’d rather explode. Luckily, I only had to stay one night or things could’ve gotten really, really nasty. Just saying.
    .-= Barb at WillThink4Wine´s last blog ..Awww…Mondays =-.

  16. 16 Shieldmaiden1196

    I believe that if you flip the dial to ‘Battery’ BEFORE you unplug it they would be none the wiser, but it depends on what kind of pump you were on.

    Himself was on continual BP monitoring after surgery and they had his IV running wide open so he had to pee about every six minutes and kept taking the cuff off. They’d come in and scold him, and in his pain-medication tweaking little brain this was an insufferable outrage. But he didn’t like to pee in the ‘party jug’. It was a long two days.
    .-= Shieldmaiden1196´s last blog ..Mountain Medicine =-.

  17. 17 Spot

    Ugh. I hate hospitals. I’ve been in the you can’t go to the bathroom alone before position and it sucks. So once, I went in by myself anyway and passed out and hit my head on a towel bar and had an awful bruise. Plus it’s really undignified when they have to help you off the bathroom floor with your underwear around your knees. So in closing, thanks for doing this for me!! Maybe I’ll get to skip my near yearly trip to the hospital!! You rock!!

    ♥Spot
    .-= Spot´s last blog ..And the culprit was… =-.

  18. 18 Stephanie Barr

    When I had both my younger children, I went to a wonderful hospital and managed to avoid enemas, catheterization and mobile commodes/bedpans.

    Thanks for taking care of that for me.
    .-= Stephanie Barr´s last blog ..I Will Be Back =-.

  19. 19 Tara

    I’m glad you spent time in the hospital so I didn’t have to. And even more glad that you are now home safe and sound!
    .-= Tara´s last blog ..I Love Daylight Savings Time! =-.

  20. 20 MomZombie

    JD, thanks for letting us know what happened to you. How scary for you and your loved ones and for all your loyal readers.
    BTW, when I was in the hospital having my baby, I did the same thing when I went to the bathroom. I unplugged myself from the monitors. Those nurses were all over me like a fugitive with a bounty on her backside.
    .-= MomZombie´s last blog ..The wrong shade of green =-.

  21. 21 Jen

    I love staying in the hospital, though I never almost died, I don’t know what that is like. And I was lucky enough to have a catheter so I didn’t get the judgmental commode staring at me all day. That would have pissed me off. It would have been a little embarrassing with guests too. Though entertaining while having a bag of pee on the side of your bed for everyone to see isn’t that great either.

    She asked if you read the Blogess? Ha!
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Ten Things I Hate About You =-.

  22. 22 absepa

    I can’t thank you enough for spending time in the hospital so I don’t have to, ‘cuz I am scared silly at the thought of it. My husband had to take me to the ER once in the throes of a horrible stomach virus, and they wanted to admit me. I burst into tears (more dehydration!) and begged them to do whatever they needed to do in the ER. It took seven hours, but they let me go home.
    .-= absepa´s last blog ..And this is why I growl at the TV =-.

  23. 23 Surfie

    Oh wow, I am so glad you did this for me. I don’t ever want to experience the joys of the not-the-toilet commode. Although I agree it must be better than a bedpan. Thankfully I’ve never had to use one of those either, but I’ve always figured that if you can’t even get out of bed to go potty, are you really going to be dexterous enough to use one of those things without making a huge mess? I imagine it spilling all over the bed as you try to remove it. *SHUDDER* *GAG*

    By the way, after your post about eating alone I could not get the thought of blueberry pancakes out of my head so I went into the kitchen and made my own. Woo! They were pretty freaking awesome. :)
    .-= Surfie´s last blog ..WooHoo! I’m Rich! =-.

  24. 24 Pricilla

    Wow. You got to use a commode. The publicist has to use the bedpan.
    She did not like it. Her brain had a hard time with the whole peeing while lying down thing.

    But she had to admit that the bedpan was waaay better than the catheter.

    All of us goats are very happy you are out of your coma and out of the hospital and back to doing things so we don’t have to.
    .-= Pricilla´s last blog ..Goatucation: What Exactly IS the Maaaaa of Pricilla =-.

  25. 25 LJ

    There are better ways than this to get attention, you know. You give my heart a fright. I’ve never been a patient in the hospital, and now you’ve been there twice. Stop it!

    In the meantime, I send hugs and prayers. Although the thought of using that commode should speed up your healing immensely.
    .-= LJ´s last blog ..School daze memories =-.

  26. 26 LJ

    P.S. Thanks for introducing me to Bloggess. She’s hilarical! My greedy eyes want more – so you don’t have too.
    .-= LJ´s last blog ..School daze memories =-.

  27. 27 Buggys

    Oh sure, the bloggess! Hello, is she the only blogger out there?

    So you almost died so we don’t have to, I can’t thank you enough JD. I think you’ve gone above and beyond really.
    .-= Buggys´s last blog ..Always Be Prepared =-.

  28. 28 JD

    CatLadyLarew: I know! What WON’T I do for you guys?! Well, I won’t die, that’s for sure. HA! And thank you.

    ann: Thanks. I’m not sure I would’ve made it without either. Especially the laptop. Well, both.

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): I did offer my body to a hot young orderly, but he turned me down (perhaps it was the commode?). So I guess I was just lucky.

    babs – beetle: I’m glad I made it sound nice. It really wasn’t awful, thanks to the nice nurses and a quiet room. But dead-fly blueberries? How do they grow them over there? Here they are round and not really all that squashed. Maybe I just don’t want to see it!

    Anjea: THANK YOU! Oh, my gosh! But why put it THERE? I didn’t even think there was a button, just the graphic. At face level of the patient. Well, it’s good to know. Not that I’m planning on going back.

    meleah rebeccah: I would’ve been fine with the “branches” explanation, too, but see above. That makes sense but is infinitely less fun.

    Jaffer: Yes, I was prepared. Well, not at first. Are you SURE you and your fat bum weren’t anywhere near the Chicago suburbs recently? At a park? Because I think I saw you . . .

    Kathleen Kaufman: HA! Yes, I was afraid I’d die of starvation over the course of 4 hours. I didn’t sleep very well and was often hungry at 3AM. But, strangely, never hungry for jello or crackers.

    dcr: Whoa! Fork over some of that green tea. I’m glad I made it out alive!

    Aine: Mmmm . . . morphine. Didn’t get any of that. You are indeed innocent of any rambling, drug-induced voice mails made during your stay. (Did you ever hear it? It sounds hilarious!) I’m glad you survived your stay.

    Grace: HAHAHA! “Helpful”? Well, that’s good, right? My nurses said I was a “keeper,” as opposed to a “quitter,” meaning they wanted to keep me there forever. (This was after I showed them how to salsa.)

    cardiogirl: I know, right? I’d still be wondering. Oh, if I ever die (which I doubt I will), you can count on a spooky “from-beyond-the-grave” post. With video!

    Daisy the Curly Cat: I’m glad too! I didn’t even know I was supposed to be almost deaded. I can tell you this: There was no litter. And I can also tell you this: There was no number 2. THAT I could control.

    Karen & Gerard Zemek: The laptop was a life saver, since I didn’t feel like reading or watching TV and was kind of bored. There was wi-fi, but it was fairly spotty. Still, better than nothing!

    Barb at WillThink4Wine: And now you’ve written a little “ode to the commode.” haven’t you? See my comment re: “number 2″ above. I would rather have exploded than commoded if it was number 2, for SURE.

    Shieldmaiden1196: Ahhh. Well, next time I’ll know. Not that there will be a next time. Oh, man. That does sound like a long 2 days. Poor guy. Can’t say that I blame him!

    Spot: Oh, my GOSH! That’s a cautionary tale! Ouch. I hope you were OK. Yes, there is nothing more undignified than passing out with your pants around your feet, I can attest to that. Ahem. Anyway, you’re very welcome! I DO hope this keeps everyone out of the hospital, at least for this year.

    Stephanie Barr: Oh, god. Enemas and catheterization. I’m glad you avoided those as well as the commode. I’m afraid I would’ve liked those even less than the commode. Glad to take this one for the team.

    Tara: Yes! It’s wonderful to be home. You really appreciate things like your own shower and bathroom. And food that doesn’t smell like a dirty sponge.

    MomZombie: You must’ve been in worse shape than I was. I kind of got the impression they were all just sitting at the nurses’ station laughing at me. “There goes 2010 again. What’s that, the 15th time she’s unplugged on this shift?”

    Jen: I imagine a hospital stay for some is probably like a vacation! Luckily the judgmental commode was only placed at the foot of my bed for one night and part of the next day. I was able to have it removed before anyone came to see me.

    absepa: Awww! You poor thing. I’m sorry you had such a bad experience but glad you were able to avoid the hospital. Don’t be afraid, tho. It’s not a luxury hotel, but it’s not such a bad place.

    Surfie: My bladder muscles or whatever they are down there simply will not allow me to use a bedpan (and let’s not even talk about number 2—OHMYGOD!). I remember having ankle surgery over 20 years ago, and I just could NOT use the bedpan, so I limped to the bathroom in the middle of the night. It was a mistake. I’m so glad you were inspired to make some blueberry pancakes! I should really try making my own.

    Pricilla: YES! It is impossible to pee while lying down! At least with the commode, your brain thinks you are on a toilet. And I truly hate the thought of a catheter. Never had one, but . . . ugh. I am VERY happy to be home and back among all my friends–human, cat, and goat.

    LJ: Oh, no! I’m sorry if I gave the wrong impression. It was all only one time. Please don’t be a’skeered! And everything’s fine, except . . . now one more person is reading the Bloggess! DAMN IT! XOXO

  29. 29 injaynesworld

    Been there, done that. My stay wasn’t nearly as fun as yours. I don’t want to do it again, but thank God you have so that now I don’t have to. ;)
    .-= injaynesworld´s last blog ..injaynesworld it’s the "Sunday Comics…" =-.

  30. 30 Jaffer

    Me at a park – In Chicago ? Nope I can’t recall ever streaking in a park – not even in Toronto. LOL

  31. 31 Ron

    Ok, I just want you to know that I HOWLED when I saw your “finger” pointing at something!!!

    That’s my favorite sign language!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

    And excuse me, but is that Dove Chocolate I see sitting on your bed? OMG…I’m shvitzing!

    So glad your home and feeling better, girl!
    .-= Ron´s last blog ..My First You Tube =-.

  32. 32 Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)

    The commode reminds me of when I was in the hospital getting my gallbladder removed. I was on IV and I could just make it to the toilet to pee if I kept my arm out the bathroom door. Then they decided to put the IV on the other side of the bed and give me a portable urinal.

    Sure glad you’re feeling better.
    .-= Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)´s last blog ..Letter to the Editor =-.

  33. 33 Jaya

    You got REAL blueberries in a hospital?!?!?! Wow… I would have thought blueberry jello would be the closest you’d get to a blueberry in such a place. I got morphine IV drip last time I was in the hospital, which was about 8 years ago for an appendectomy. While I do love blueberries (and made some blueberry pancakes for myself after reading your post about them the other day – they were YUMMY), when hospitalized my treatment of choice is IV morphine. It really does help blur out the whole experience.

    I’m REALLY glad you made it out of the hospital alive and able to blog about it.
    .-= Jaya´s last blog ..(cough, cough) Flu (cough, cough) =-.

  34. 34 Regan

    For that warning sign, I thought it might mean something like ‘In case of speaker emergency, quickly climb under your lungs and face down’

    Although I’m not too sure on how that would fix the speaker problem.

  35. 35 Kathryn

    No, no, no!

    Clearly, the sign on your bed means:

    If you’re missing a pair of these (lungs), look under here (bed).

    Just as interesting was the sign on the monitor in the photo where you’re sucking down that oversized hospital cherry slurpee (with one pinky delicately raised) where it says “STANDBY” with the universal icon for a creepy-crawly-BUG….which basically means that if you’d pissed off the staff, they would’ve introduced a “bug” into your body, thereby rendering your hair permanently puke-green and frizzy….’cause they only how to really hurt a gal.

    I’m glad you’re home. I’m glad you’re well.

    And I’m glad you didn’t misplace your lungs under the bed…’cause they’re always in the last place you look for them.
    .-= Kathryn´s last blog ..Chaotically Windy Weekend Weather =-.

  36. 36 Jay

    “If your lungs are filled with branches, lie on your stomach.”

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That is, indeed, exactly what it looks like! And I’m guessing the person who designed that little pictogram was convinced it was crystal clear in any language. ROFL!!

    Sorry you had to endure a hospital stay and nearly died. Geesh .. will you stop scaring us like that?
    .-= Jay´s last blog ..Macro Monday – Puzzle No. 13 =-.

  37. 37 meleah rebeccah

    Ah ha! Anjea had the answer and it was RIGHT above my comment. {feels like the biggest idiot ever}
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently™ – My Week In Review [Part Six] =-.

  38. 38 The Other Patricia

    I’ve been in the hospital for extended periods of time and it is…well, not fun at all. Evidently if you’re seventeen and have a surgery, they still put you in the pediatric wing to be serenaded by the sound of tortured babies at night…poor things. Or was that screaming you, J.D.?

    Oh, jeebus, did it have THAT smell? You know, THAT smell. I have never been able to figure out what exactly it is…like alcohol swabs and manwiches…

    We’re glad you’re back and that you’re fine. It does bring up an interesting (albeit morbid) question. If you did erm…visit the great guy in the sky (or insert religious or non-religious beliefs here), who would tell us? Would Dave? Or would we be forgotten? It’s spooky to think that when we die, our internet selves go on and on…that’s why I feel so sorry for those teenagers that go around topless and…oh wait…erm…uh….glad you’re feeling better!

    Patricia (The Other One)

  39. 39 fracas

    I am TERRIBLY glad you didn’t die JD, but honestly… do you have to post pictures where you look so cute even without makeup and all lying near death and stuff? It’s just unfair. :-P
    .-= fracas´s last blog ..She’s Been Gone So Long… =-.

  40. 40 jennyonthespot

    You almost died… so we don’t have to. You are a better woman than I EVER gave you credit for. And if you had died, I would have KILLED you. That is a NO-NO. No dying of the JD. I will have none of that.

    Glad you’re better :)
    .-= jennyonthespot´s last blog ..Make We Laugh Monday – Hawt Firemen =-.

  41. 41 JD

    Buggys: THANK YOU! I knew you’d understand about the Bloggess. I mean, come on. I love her too. She’s freaking hilarious. BUT SO ARE ALL OF US! We just didn’t think of the cool name, that’s all. Oh, please don’t thank me. I may do it again, just for fun!

    injaynesworld: Nope, you’re off the hook, at least for a few years. I don’t intend to do it again either, so hopefully everyone out there can stay healthy and safe. No more hospitals for anyone!

    Jaffer: Don’t tell me I’m gonna have to do it so you don’t have to?!

    Ron: Hee! I thought a few people out there might appreciate my “pointing out” the IV that kept me awake every damn night. It is indeed a wonderfully eloquent way of making a statement, isn’t it? Yes, Dove chocolate! And I didn’t even eat it! Those greedy nurses!

    Christopher (AKA: CaJoh): HA! We’ll find any way to pee in the bathroom, won’t we. Those nurses are sneaky, tho. I tried making it to the bathroom without unplugging the IV, but I could only just barely GET my arm in. So that wouldn’t have worked out too well.

    Jaya: Mmmm. Morphine sounds even more delicious than blueberries OR blueberry compote. And, since you probably don’t keep morphine in your medicine cabinet, I’m so glad you were inspired to make delicious blueberry pancakes instead! Thank you. I’m glad too!

    Regan: YES! That’s another totally logical explanation, because it was RIGHT NEXT to the speaker! Maybe if you lie face down under your lungs, the volume goes up? I guess we still need to work on this one.

    Kathryn: HAHAHAHAHA! I didn’t even THINK to check to see if I was missing those lungs. Dang! That “standby” sign meant that I was continually bitching about the monitor making a beeping noise for no reason. The bug? Ew! I didn’t even really notice that till you pointed it out! Good thing I was a model patient!

    Jay: No more scares, I promise. Unless I choke on that chicken foot I promised to eat. I’m soooo glad my interpretation of that weird sign makes sense to someone other than just me. I think the hospital needs a new graphic designer.

    meleah rebeccah: DON’T! I rarely have time to read every single comment. I’d love to, but come ON! So please. You are the exact opposite of an idiot.

    The Other Patricia: Trust me. I’ve got a back-up plan for that day — should it ever come — when my corporeal self is no longer here to do things so you don’t have to. Yes, it will be creepy, but it’ll be FUNNY too. So even as you are sobbing with grief, you’ll be able to cough out a tiny chuckle. And YES! alcohol swabs, Manwiches, and maybe a hint of locker room.

    fracas: Cute? I just don’t see it, but thank you! It must be the gown. I admit, my hair was awesome, but I have that kind of hair that looks better the dirtier it gets (which causes some problems for anyone who gets close to me but SO WHAT?)

    jennyonthespot: Am I a better woman even than the Bloggess? I bet SHE wouldn’t have almost died for y’all! And thanks for the warning. I will try never to die, because I hate to think of you being tried for murder. Murder of JD! Now that would be a crime.

  42. 42 rob

    Julia… Dave shared your story. A funny, entertaining read, as always (we can say “funny” and “entertaining” now, right? everything’s ok?). Anyway, hope you’re well on you way to feeling 100%.

  43. 43 Lidian

    Those blueberries, though not a compote, don’t look too awful – practically gourmet, for hospital cuisine. But where is the fancy Jell-O? You must have had Jell-O! Right?

    That chocolate looks really good, it was nice of you to share. I would have hidden it and then guiltily brought it out when I couldn’t bear it any longer, thus revealing that I’d initially hidden it. ‘Cause I’m suave like that.

    So glad you are home and feeling better. That’s excellent!
    .-= Lidian´s last blog ..The Lustre-Creme and I =-.

  44. 44 meleah rebeccah

    Okay, I feel much better now! :)
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently™ – My Week In Review [Part Six] =-.

  45. 45 Katherine

    So did the middle of the room toilet judge you? How did you do? Was he happy with your efforts, or did he mock you with his mobile rolling whiteness?

    So glad you are OUT of the hospital!! And back to blogging. :)
    .-= Katherine´s last blog ..Guaranteed to Bring Down a Teenage Boy in Seconds Flat =-.

  46. 46 Katie

    Hope you are on your way to recovery! Thanks for taking that hospital stay off my list of things to do…I don’t care for blueberry compote, so thanks for that, also. :-)
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..Too Much Talking =-.

  47. 47 Anne

    I think spending time in the hospital so I don’t have to was going above and beyond (although I do appreciate it). I can’t believe you got fresh blueberries. Around here, all they have is canned fruit in the hospital. I am glad you are recovered. We would have missed you terribly had anything happened.
    .-= Anne´s last blog ..My Cell Phone Hates Me, or Maybe It Hates My Friends =-.

  48. 48 MA Fat Woman

    I’ve found that when I am in the hospital I lose all my modesty. You want to see my junk, here ya go!

  49. 49 Katherine

    LOL! CatLady wrote what I wanted to ” I almost died so you don’t have to” . Seriously, so glad your on the road to recovery.
    Love stopping by your blog.
    How about I sat in the sun and was fanned my palm leaves for your next blog.
    Hugs!

  50. 50 daughterbonnie

    Protip: The IV won’t beep if you keep you arm straight…except keeping your arm straight is only 23% less annoying than that damn beep.

    Thank you for your dedication to doing things…like talking to that old man. Everytime I see someone well into grnadparent age I just want to take them out of the walmart/walgreens/hospital/dennys and give them a fishing pole or aarp subsciption. I have nothing against old people- I want them enjoying the twilight doing something that doesn’t expose them to sickness/teenagers/retail customers.

    Btw..this post well on the way to catching up with the milky way giveaway! Glad your healthier!

  51. 51 JD

    rob: Hey, thanks for popping in! And yes, we CAN say “funny” and “entertaining”; in fact, it’s kind of required around here. Everything’s OK. Not quite 100%, but getting there. Thanks.

    Lidian: Actually, the blueberries were delicious and I should quit my complaining. And I did indeed have delicious orange Jell-o. I didn’t have any candy (wasn’t in the mood — WEIRD!) until the day I left, and it was a flavor explosion in my mouth. Chocolate, I’ll never be separated from you for that long again. (Hee: “suave.”)

    meleah rebeccah: Oh, good. No one feels bad at I Do Things!

    Katherine: It was weird because the nurse put it right at the foot of my bed. I would kind of kick it away from me and it would ALWAYS ROLL BACK. It was judgmental AND evil.

    Katie: You’re very welcome. I’ll eat the blueberry compote, and you can have the green monsters! And yup! I’m almost back to “normal.”

    Anne: Aw, that’s sweet. Thank you. I have missed all of you guys this past month or so, but I’m getting back into my blog routine. And eating blueberry pancakes (WITH COMPOTE!)

    MA Fat Woman: Right! Who cares?! It’s a butt. Get used to it!

    Katherine: Thank you! And that’s soooo kind of you to offer to take the loathesome chore of sunbathing and palm-fronding off my shoulders. You guys are too sweet.

    daughterbonnie: Man, I KEPT my arm straight! Well, maybe not all the time. My arms like to curl up. I share your feelings about older people; in fact, I wrote a post about how old people are ruining my life (by being forced to work or eat alone when they should be fishing!) And THANK YOU for noticing that people just might care a little bit about me and not some dumb candy bars!

  52. 52 Lauren

    A recent episode of “House” (quirky doctor) was about a blogger I thought of you. I don’t know if you watch the show, Monday’s, I think, on Fox.

    The hospitalized blogger would ask her readers what they thought about the various choices of procedures she was about to undergo. Her husband was pissed that she was asking her readers for their opinions. Nevertheless, it was a happy ending. You know. It ended well.

    Love the pictures. That lung graphic is indeed a mystery. Maybe it means, if you look like this, you’re going down.
    .-= Lauren´s last blog ..A Walk Down Cemetery Lane: A Post Mortem. =-.

  53. 53 deidre

    The lung graphic is awesome.

    There is a road sign in Australia that i am pretty sure signifies that in the next 2 kms a kangaroo is going to hijack your car.

  54. 54 earthtoholly

    I’m happy to see that someone else does the pinky thing. My husband always laughs at that, but I think it’s just a sign of good breeding…or somethin’. Okay, maybe not. But pancakes aren’t pancakes without an ample supply of butter and syrup. That I do know!

    Hope you’re feeling better. Funny stuff aside, it all sounded pretty serious.
    .-= earthtoholly´s last blog ..A Drink And A Snack =-.

  55. 55 Lin

    I hate those old people they got working/volunteering at the hospital! They move so darn slow! Sheesh.
    .-= Lin´s last blog ..It’s not lovely being green =-.

  56. 56 Maureen

    Oh JD girl you are hilarious! Only YOU could make a great post out of almost dying… holy crap!

    But I am glad you had your camera and laptop; that’s what pulled you through you know; not that silly CPR bed or IV. It’s the thought of leaving all us laughless. You HAVE to be around for our own good health.

    Oh and BTW, my prizes arrived yesterday!!!! Whoo Hoo!!! Thank you so much. I love them both. The bar is a tad squished, but the photo is just fine. Now I have to decide the perfect time to partake of my new Milky Way Simply Carmel bar.
    .-= Maureen´s last blog ..I’ve Been Unfaithful =-.

  57. 57 Sue

    I stayed at a hospital for 6 days, and I kid you not, the view from my bed was a brick wall. Thank God the nurses were awesome!

  58. 58 V

    you better not die, i’ll kill you. for fake, i hate the sight of blood. well then i’ll smother you, but i also hate the sight of a struggle.

    how about i let you off with a warning if you die. a final warning. okay, uh, maybe i’ll just pinch your cold, dead, corpse as a warning. people will just assume you are smiling, even in death.

    i mean i like you jd, live long and prosper. take care, okay.

  59. 59 JD

    Lauren: I love House! I haven’t seen that episode yet, but I will be catching it on Hulu. God, I love a happy ending. I mean, an ending that ends well. Someone above did actually explain the lung graphic, but I rather like your interpretation.

    deidre: It is, isn’t it? Can we get a photo of that kangaroo sign? Why do Aussies have all the fun?

    earthtoholly: It’s definitely good breeding! No “somethin’” about it. And thank you for supporting the Extra Syrup and Butter campaign. Did you know there are people who eat pancakes with JELLY? (And, yes, I am MUCH better, thank you!)

    Lin: And he scared the crap out of me. I was constantly having to get up and re-close the curtain and the door. OLD PEOPLE!

    Maureen: Oh, you’re so nice! There is humor in everything. Even almost dying. And I would never dream of not sharing EVERY detail of my hospital visit with all my friends. I hope you like your edible prize (I KNOW you love the non-edible one!)

    Sue: A brick wall? Now that’s just cruel. I actually took a picture of my view, because it was really nice. Just the parking lot, but I was up high enough to have trees in my window. Yes, thank god for awesome nurses!

    V: Aw. Your desire to kill me warms the cockles of my still-beating heart. It is the highest praise one can hope for. Just don’t drown me. It would be hard to die with a smile on my face.

  60. 60 megscole64

    Maybe they think most people won’t know what the word “compote” means. I sure as hell don’t. :) Not that I’d ever order anything with blueberries in it. :)
    .-= megscole64´s last blog ..We Are Screwed =-.

  61. 61 Mary @ Holy Mackerel

    One of my brothers actually loves hospitals. He’s nuts. He especially loves the food. Yeah. Whatever.

    Hope you’re feeling better!!

    Just be glad you didn’t need an enema. Or did you?
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..This Is For You, Joanna From The Czech Republic! Thank You For Your Patronage =-.

  62. 62 JD

    megscole64: I’m not even a huge blueberry fan myself. But I do love a good compote, which I think is French for “smashed-up fruit.” Clearly those blueberries are not the least smashed.

    Mary @ Holy Mackerel: When my beloved dad was in the hospital, I loved eating at the cafeteria. I guess it’s the same food? Maybe I just love cafeterias in general, and they’re hard to find nowadays. Nevertheless, your brother is totally nuts. And thank you. I am feeling LOTS better!


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