Remember my name

So, there I was. Recuperating from a bout of projectile vomiting that had left me weak, dehydrated, and craving those flaming-hot Cheetos.

Oh, wait.

Hi, y’all! Yeah, I’ve been on a little break. A break of a year and a half. What, you don’t think I deserve some time off after four solid years of doing things so you don’t have to? Why don’t YOU try eating cereal marshmallows, wearing a Bumpit, and going nude in public. Go! Try it. Then come back here and . . . er, put your clothes back on, please. I lay my head on that pillow.

Anyway, there I was. Recuperating from a bout of flaming-hot diarrhea from eating those damn Cheetos when . . .

Um . . . so there I was . . . uhhhhhh. How do you blog again? Oh, I remember!

So there I was, recovering from a flaming stomach, which I decided to calm with some mindless entertainment: my favorite celebrity-gossip site: DListed. It’s my one-stop shop for all things Lohan, Kardashian, and this lady, and it has provided me with countless hours of schadenfreudalicious browsing.

Suddenly, instead of a Real Housewife or Anne Hathaway’s vagina, I saw a true celebrity. An icon. A legend.

MILEY CYRUS!

No, you freaks. It was me, JD. On (J)DListed. The photo that was posted, tho 30 years old, still tells the heartbreaking story of a drunk young woman reduced to posing with a cucumber. In a bow tie.

Now, usually when a humble yet sexy blogger finds out that there’s a picture of herself plastered online against her will, it’s because an angry mob of villagers knocked on her door and said YOU’RE ON THE INTERNET JD. But no. I found it and immediately projectile vomited, but only after I hugged my bag of Cheetos and threw water on my flaming hair.

Readers were asked to caption the photo, and they did, Blanche, they did, but there could be only one winner, and of course it was me, with my somewhat petulant remark that the photo came from my blog and when would I be paid.

More comments followed my shocking victory:

How fucking lame. A blog that every fucking category begins with “I” (ie – I am awesome, I am hungry (wtf?), I do nude (that sounds ok, I guess), I BUY STUFF – how fucking exciting does that shit sound . . .

I get it now. This was a clever paid advertisement by JD, who apparently is a fat, middle-aged nobody trying to start up a blog.

JD you must be a trillion years old

Hows it feel to be in the spotlight, bitch??? . . . you want some attention? pop those tits out . . .

Huh.

Based on the adoration and admiration expressed in these comments, I decided it was time. Time to return to the Internet and pick up the heavy load that is my burden in life: to do things so you don’t have to.

And hopefully to score a link on E! Online.

                                                                                                                           *        *        *

So, wasn’t this fun? And long? Instead of the end of the world, you get a new I Do Things post. Two cataclysmic events that end in flames. And vomit. There may even be another post someday. How about:

I Went to Rehab so you don’t have to

I Got a Tattoo so you don’t have to

I Pop My Tits Out so you don’t . . . Aw, hell. Let’s all pop our tits out!

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49 Comments


49 Responses to “I Return . . . Reluctantly Yet Triumphantly . . . to the Internet so you don’t have to”

  1. 1 tojo

    Hi JD I was just over here from dlisted checking out your blog and I noticed you had a new post! Congrats on your CT win. I think you’re a funny lady!

  2. 2 Susan

    You being back is the bestest Christmas present ever.

  3. 3 A Fellow Edittur

    Holy hell. This is my first visit to your awesomely hysterical blog. I discovered it through my beloved Dlisted. I just wanted to say how much I’m enjoying your writing. You’re hilarious (in a good way–not in Phoebe Price way). Bee tee dubs, I’m an editor too!

  4. 4 A Fellow Edittur

    But apparently not a very good editor. I of course meant “…in *a* Phoebe Price way…” All apologies to both you and Miss Phoebe.

  5. 5 Famous SpokesGoat Pricilla

    Well my udders hang free all the time but I am an old goat now so I am sure that no human or goat really WANTS to see them.

    Very glad to see you are back. Goat hugs from all of us here.

  6. 6 Lauralee

    Anything that gets you back to posting is all good by me….

    Now waiting on the next one… not so long a break this time, please!

  7. 7 Kristin

    This is like an Internet fairy tail! Congratulations and keep on blogging!

  8. 8 Robert

    Your blog is hilarious, and I look forward to working back through four years of posts.

  9. 9 absepa

    Yay, a new post! Better yet, you bested some trolls!! Sorry about the flaming diarrhea, tho…there’s just no way to spin that and make it sound positive.

    Oh, please do share about your tattoo. I would dearly love to have one, but the husband hates them (and we always end up arguing about it), so I like to enjoy other people’s vicariously.

  10. 10 Goinglikesixty

    Holy Mother of God on Whole Wheat Toast! You’re back! Of course when I clicked on my RSS feed to come here, my antivirus went nuts, but it was totally worth it. (Something about your Twitter button had malware…)

  11. 11 Junk Drawer Kathy

    It has got to be some kind of cosmic sign that I popped open a bag of Cheetos just as I saw you had posted for the first time in forever. Cheetos. We are one.

    Welcome back from your hiatus. We have dearly missed you, JD! And on the day of the supposed end of the world, no less. I think it means a new beginning, a new blogging you, and a happy audience who’ve been dying for you to write. To write in exactly the hysterical way you’ve written before. You haven’t skipped a beat.

    Now, the post. I wish you hadn’t highlighted all the bad comments from the jerks. Because there were like a couple hundred “She’s a hottie” comments, weren’t there? And you are! And you’re a tattooed hottie now. I can’t wait til you write about that and rehab and everything else you’ve been doing since you were gone.

    You, my dear, have a lot of catching up to do. And. We. Can’t. Wait.

  12. 12 Nicky

    Boy, am I glad you invited everyone to pop their tits out because I was just thinking that it would be totally weird if I were the ONLY one with her tits popped out.

    Nice to have you back – diarrhea, flaming vomit and all!

  13. 13 V

    So what the world is going to end in a few hours. Glad to have you back even for this short time. And now I must go pop my zits out. Oh wait, you said….never mind.

  14. 14 MiddleState

    I think my head just exploded. I saw your pic on Dlisted yesterday (a part of my daily ramblings) and thought … huh … I know this picture. How? It drove my OCD self just a little crazy. Today I have my answer! Welcome back, JD. I guess we are old timers at this point?

  15. 15 lin

    HOORAY! It’s sorta like hell freezing over….or pigs flying….or the end of all mankind….but you are BACK! And better than ever!!!

    We’ve missed ya, JD. And I happen to really like all your posts that begin with “I” and “I buy stuff.” What do those nasty comment people know???

  16. 16 Kimberly Robinson

    I will kick some punk troll ass, just say the word. So very glad to see you returned to us.

  17. 17 Boom Boom Larew

    I can’t begin to tell you how glad I am that you’re back, JD! I was starting to get pretty damn tired of having to do all that stupid shit myself. So glad you’re going to start doing it for me again so I don’t have to.

  18. 18 Bohemiologist (aka Musingwoman)

    Holy Pepto-Bismol! I’m glad you’re back!

  19. 19 Stephanie B

    I’m so glad you’re doing this so I don’t have to. I’ve been feeling desperately guilty because of my lackadaisical attitude toward my own blogs.

    Fortunately, you jumped in so I have an excuse to kick back and let them fester a bit longer.

  20. 20 Jaffer

    I think I am going to get Cheetos for breakfast.

    You don’t have to.
    So ?

    Welcome back JD ! Wow I’d forgotten what reading your blog was like ! :-D
    Awesome !

  21. 21 Madaline Foglesong

    Thank goodness!

  22. 22 Daisy the Curly Cat

    Woohoo, you’re back! I missed you.

  23. 23 brananamama

    Thank youuuu, I’ve missed you!

  24. 24 PG

    YAY YAY YAY YAY

  25. 25 Jaqen H'ghar

    A lovely girl has returned. A man is anxious to hear about rehab. Valar Morghulis, a man has said. By the seven new gods and the old gods beyond counting, welcome back.

  26. 26 JD

    tojo: Welcome! And thanks. Anyone here from DListed is a friend of mine.

    Susan: And I didn’t even have to wrap it.

    A Fellow Edittur: Aren’t you nice. And we have so much in common. I’m sure Phoebe and her chicken cutlets won’t mind her missing article. Your standing as an editurr is unblemished.

    Famous SpokesGoat Pricilla: Human hugs right back atchya. Ew . . . I think I accidentally touched an udder.

    Lauralee: I can promise you: the next post will NOT take a year and a half.

    Kristin: Thanks! A fairy tale with a princess and a cucumber. Just my kind of story.

    Robert: Thank you! I expect a full report on each one of those posts.

    absepa: Yay! Wait . . . I thought I did spin that diarrhea in a positive way. Well, anyway, sounds like our husbands have a lot in common. But I finally said, my vicarious tattoo-enjoying days are OVER!

    Goinglikesixty: Woot! Sorry about your antivirus. I got rid of my Twitter button, so hopefully no more problems. Thanks for letting me know!

    Junk Drawer Kathy: Oh, Kathy-Bell. Yes, we are Cheetos sisters forever. I hope you didn’t suffer as I did from yours. It’s good to be back . . . maybe. And yes, many, MANY strangers noted that 21-year-old JD was a “hottie.” And they were right. But it’s not nearly as funny as “fat, middle-aged nobody.”

    Nicky: Pop ‘em out! It’s fun, isn’t it? Unless you’re the only one. Then, yes, it is totally weird.

    MiddleState: That’s hilarious! My head actually did explode when I saw the photo, but I attributed it to flaming projectile vomit. I guess it can be both.

    lin: HI LIN! It is INDEED the end of all mankind! Or it would be if I ever start writing posts that don’t begin with “I.” What fun would that be?

    Kimberly Robinson: Thank you for your kind words and offer. I find that the punk ass trolls are usually not worth our time. Still, it might be fun to stomp on a few heads for once.

    Boom Boom Larew: I know, I know. I’ve really let everyone down. Maybe I should make all of YOU write an I Do Things post to let me know what you’ve been up to.

    Bohemiologist (aka Musingwoman): Hee! Thanks. Me too!

    Stephanie B: No guilt allowed here! Or there. Lackadais . . . ism (?) is OK, tho. Sounds like you’ve been having a bit of a tough time, so I’m happy to step in and start doing things again. Great to hear from you, my friend.

    Jaffer: Be sure to get the flaming-hot ones. They turn your milk a lovely shade of red. THANKS! Good to be back!

    Madaline Foglesong: I know, right? Phew!

    Daisy the Curly Cat: WOOOOOO! I missed you too. Well, not really; I see you every weekday. But it’s nice to see you here.

    brananamama: You’re welcome!!!

    PG: And may I add, YAY!

    Jaqen H’ghar: A lovely girl was always lovely . . . and a man was always aware. Returning is no harder than taking a new name . . . if you know how.

  27. 27 Michael Rochelle

    So, what I’ve learned is that I better enjoy my little humor blog before the national attention I’ve always prayed about comes along. LOL.

    First, I have to say that “Recuperating from a bout of flaming-hot diarrhea” is one of the funniest lines I’ve read in a long time.

    Second, every time I enter Wal-Mart, I wonder if that will be the time where my photo will be taken and I’ll be making my debut on that People Of Walmart site. I’m quite sure it’s coming. LOL.

    And welcome back to the world of blogging!!!

  28. 28 Dan C. Rinnert

    OMG! OMG! And, by that, I, of course, mean Oh My Goodness! And I probably misused half a dozen commas by now. When you said you blogged, I thought you were teasing, like you did a couple weeks ago.

    And now you’re Internet famous. I followed the path. Apparently, dlisted got that photo by way of Tosh.0 (here) and Tosh.0 found your photo by way of The Chive (here (Possibly NSFW)). So, you’ve really made the rounds. I’m surprised it hasn’t been posted on DrRuth.com by now.

  29. 29 Father Muskrat

    I’ve never heard of DListed before, but I’m glad to see a post from you again! Does this mean you’ll return to BlogHer in Chicago?

  30. 30 memyselfandi

    dont hold your breath for a link from eonline !

  31. 31 JD

    Michael Rochelle: “Little,” eh? I think the national attention has pretty much died down, if my blog stats are anything to go by. But thank you for your prayers. When is flaming-hot diarrhea ever NOT funny? I look forward to seeing you on People of Walmart!

    Dan C. Rinnert: I make it a practice never to edit blog comments, so your blatant misuse of commas will go unmentioned. For now. Yeah, I found the photo on several other lame “humor” sites. None with quite the exposure of DListed, tho. I eagerly await my debut on DrRuth.com.

    Father Muskrat: Hey, if they hold another BlogHer in Chicago, I’ll be there!

    memyselfandi: Oh, but I will.

  32. 32 Margaret Maguire

    Jd, you rock! And those fools on that lame site don’t know jack! And they certainly don’t know you! Keep up the good work, and thank you for blogging. You always make me laugh, and that’s the most important thing!

  33. 33 Ben Swilley

    This is a terribly sad blog. Your date is an incredibly short guy and he’s green, however, he is dressed in formal attire which is a plus. You are smiling but you don’t really look happy. You need a taller date. I know a green guy I might get you hooked up with. His name is Jose Jalapeno and he wears this stick which makes him look taller.

    The only problem is you have already saddled yourself with flaming hot Cheetos and subsequent flaming hot diarrhea so dating Jose might be a big run-around for you.

    Sorry to hear about your condition. It reminds me of my pal Charley Cheater whose wife left him and he came down with orange gonads. Totally depressed and almost suicidal he went to a doctor who asked him what he had been doing since his wife left him. Charlie said, “Nothing really, just sitting around watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos.”

    Watch your diet!

  34. 34 Ben

    Good to have you back!

  35. 35 Curtis

    ^ Is this guy serious?!

    So glad you’re back, long live the queen!

  36. 36 kathcom

    Inspiration comes from so many places…who knew it would be a bowtied cuke that brought you back!

  37. 37 meleah rebeccah

    OMG! JD! I have missed you SOFA KING much!

    “So, wasn’t this fun? And long? Instead of the end of the world, you get a new I Do Things post. Two cataclysmic events that end in flames. And vomit. ”

    BAhahHAhHAHHAhHAHhHAHAH!!

    I am very much looking forward to MORE of your blog posts.

    XOXOXOXO

  38. 38 Lola

    I have my tits out right now.

    Really!

    Glad to see you back. I’ve been having a lot of shyt going on and that’s why I haven’t blogged in quite awhile. I haven’t been dealing with diarhea, but I have had several nasty bouts of colitis, one of which landed me in the hospital for 4 days.

    I keep trying to kick start or re-start blogging, but my readership has vanished. I think you need to do an “I helped Lola get more readers so you don’t have to”.

    …ok that was selfish…but it would help.

    Glad to see you back and hope you are feeling better. We still have to get together with Lin some time, but it would have to be after January. I’m practically living at the office.

  39. 39 Scoliosis Too

    Sorry to leave my comment on an unrelated post. I tried to leave a comment on one of your posts that talked about having scoliosis and taking vicodin but the comments were closed.

    I too have scoliosis. Less of a curve than you do but recently considering taking vicodin. There are warnings out about taking it with curvature of the spine but then of course there are other things out there that say that’s silly. So I was hoping you could let me know if you had any side effects when you took vicodin. And if you have any links that speak to this, that would be extra helpful. Thanks for any help or feedback.

  40. 40 RichRed

    Hi, JD, I’m glad you’re also back to blogging. Same here, I’m back with another blog that takes a lot of my happy time. I wish you well and hope to see more of your posts again soon. Take care :)

  41. 41 Ashlee

    I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! http://ashleemae.wordpress.com/2013/03/12/versatile-blogger-award/

  42. 42 Pat Fortunato

    I wish I had known about you before I had a colonoscopy, several marriages and innumerable bad dates.
    Keep writing!

  43. 43 Ben Swilley

    Will you ever really return?

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