So, there I was. Recuperating from a bout of projectile vomiting that had left me weak, dehydrated, and craving those flaming-hot Cheetos.
Hi, y’all! Yeah, I’ve been on a little break. A break of a year and a half. What, you don’t think I deserve some time off after four solid years of doing things so you don’t have to? Why don’t YOU try eating cereal marshmallows, wearing a Bumpit, and going nude in public. Go! Try it. Then come back here and . . . er, put your clothes back on, please. I lay my head on that pillow.
Anyway, there I was. Recuperating from a bout of flaming-hot diarrhea from eating those damn Cheetos when . . .
Um . . . so there I was . . . uhhhhhh. How do you blog again? Oh, I remember!
So there I was, recovering from a flaming stomach, which I decided to calm with some mindless entertainment: my favorite celebrity-gossip site: DListed. It’s my one-stop shop for all things Lohan, Kardashian, and this lady, and it has provided me with countless hours of schadenfreudalicious browsing.
Suddenly, instead of a Real Housewife or Anne Hathaway’s vagina, I saw a true celebrity. An icon. A legend.
No, you freaks. It was me, JD. On (J)DListed. The photo that was posted, tho 30 years old, still tells the heartbreaking story of a drunk young woman reduced to posing with a cucumber. In a bow tie.
Now, usually when a humble yet sexy blogger finds out that there’s a picture of herself plastered online against her will, it’s because an angry mob of villagers knocked on her door and said YOU’RE ON THE INTERNET JD. But no. I found it and immediately projectile vomited, but only after I hugged my bag of Cheetos and threw water on my flaming hair.
Readers were asked to caption the photo, and they did, Blanche, they did, but there could be only one winner, and of course it was me, with my somewhat petulant remark that the photo came from my blog and when would I be paid.
More comments followed my shocking victory:
How fucking lame. A blog that every fucking category begins with “I” (ie – I am awesome, I am hungry (wtf?), I do nude (that sounds ok, I guess), I BUY STUFF – how fucking exciting does that shit sound . . .
I get it now. This was a clever paid advertisement by JD, who apparently is a fat, middle-aged nobody trying to start up a blog.
JD you must be a trillion years old
Hows it feel to be in the spotlight, bitch??? . . . you want some attention? pop those tits out . . .
Based on the adoration and admiration expressed in these comments, I decided it was time. Time to return to the Internet and pick up the heavy load that is my burden in life: to do things so you don’t have to.
And hopefully to score a link on E! Online.
* * *
So, wasn’t this fun? And long? Instead of the end of the world, you get a new I Do Things post. Two cataclysmic events that end in flames. And vomit. There may even be another post someday. How about:
I Went to Rehab so you don’t have to
I Got a Tattoo so you don’t have to
I Pop My Tits Out so you don’t . . . Aw, hell. Let’s all pop our tits out!