I Raise Animals from the Dead

The week ends the week begins


It was a quiet, sultry day.

All was as you would expect it to be on a broiling May afternoon in the Chicago suburbs. The ceiling fan pushed the feeble breeze throughout the house, while giant mutant ants invaded the kitchen, seeking refuge from the pitiless sun.

As I said, it was quiet.

Too quiet.

Earlier that day, the furred mammals were behaving appropriately by either airing their bellies . . .

. . . or escaping from the heat by inexplicably burrowing under a heavy layer of blankets.

The ants continued their death march.

By mid-afternoon, the heat had reached its zenith. Feeble attempts at keeping cool were abandoned for comatose positions in front of the bedroom window.

It was only a matter of minutes before the line between coma and death became blurred. Eyes were open, but unseeing. A limb twitched almost imperceptibly. Soon . . . nothing.

Until.

The Word was spoken. The magical Word that released these slumbering, possibly near-death animals from their date with Morpheus. The irresistable and undeniable Word.

Watch and listen as The Word transforms what was once lifeless to fully re-animated beings:

Or click here to see the miraculous resurrection.

In the five seconds it takes for these once-unresponsive cats to inhale their evening meal, however, I realize something. They’re not alive at all. They are simply zombie cats, who answer to only The Word, and once The Word has been uttered, they will return to the shadow-world between life and death, between wakefulness and slumber . . . between supper and breakfast.

And they’re never going to kill those ants.

_________________

Ants came from here.

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51 Comments


51 Responses to “I Raise Animals from the Dead”

  1. 1 Ann's Rants

    Why can’t I get my kids to respond like that?
    .-= Ann’s Rants´s last blog ..Blogging? Or Jewish Summer Camp? You Decide! =-.

  2. 2 Linda

    That was great, absolutely great. My cats rarely move that fast. As for your ants. I’ll take my mouse over your ants any day.

  3. 3 Kathy

    Hysterical! I wish my fat cat Shadow would move that fast from the couch when I yell “Git!” She just keeps laying there, giving me the stink eye.

    p.s. Tell Pru less is more. My God, that woman likes to let it all hang out, doesn’t she?
    .-= Kathy´s last blog ..Camping is For Other People =-.

  4. 4 Anne

    I don’t think I have ever seen anything go that quickly from fast asleep to across the room. They didn’t even stand up. They went straight from lying to jumping.

  5. 5 Shieldmaiden1196

    Seamus won’t kill the ants either. He stands over them, reaches out, and then ever so gently pats them with his paw, so he can watch them run away.

    This is the same cat who will punch me directly in the eye to wake me up on a Saturday morning.
    .-= Shieldmaiden1196´s last blog ..A Pause in the Flailing =-.

  6. 6 Pricilla

    You would never see goats act that way. Harumph!
    Never.
    erm, ignore any of those embarrassing photos the publicist might have put with me and carrot tops.
    I am not responsible for them. It’s all the publicist’s fault.
    I am a dignified goat.
    .-= Pricilla´s last blog ..My Time with My Grandkids =-.

  7. 7 Shane

    LOL – that was great. Those cats are extremely well trained in one way, at least. I’ve often thought college guys are the same way. It’s amazing how often the entire floor would visit one room once a few pizzas were involved.
    .-= Shane´s last blog ..Pike Fishing Gear =-.

  8. 8 babs - beetle

    Oh that is brilliant! So funny! I’ve never seen our cats move that fast. Maybe it’s something to do with the fact that they have a few biscuits in the day, so are never really hungry enough.
    .-= babs – beetle´s last blog ..When is it too early? =-.

  9. 9 Jaffer

    Wow !
    “Supper” will make me do that too !

  10. 10 moooooog35

    ..and that’s the day I learned I may be a cat.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..My Shampoo is Trying to Kill Me – I Have Superhero Shampoo!! =-.

  11. 11 puglette

    awesome video! your kitties respond so quickly to the call of food. you would almost think they were pugs! although our pugs respond to “who wants kibbies?” in a sing song voice by running in circles to the kitchen.

    pets…they’re a hoot!
    hugs,
    puglette
    :)
    .-= puglette´s last blog ..Little Miss Pearl’s Ponderings =-.

  12. 12 Bill

    That’s classic. To get ours moving, we rattle the catfood can.

  13. 13 Lauren

    Amazing reanimation clip. I wonder if it works with buried pets? It would be really cool to see it done with cremated pets. Ashes to . . . Never mind. Loved your prose.
    .-= Lauren´s last blog ..1-800 Voice Prompts and Dunderheads. =-.

  14. 14 LJ

    You have a true gift. “Supper” is HI-larious!
    .-= LJ´s last blog ..It Feels Like A Monday =-.

  15. 15 JD

    Ann’s Rants: I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe you should’ve taught them only one word?

    Linda: Yeah, I think I’d prefer a mouse too. Actually, we’ve had both. Yuck.

    Kathy: Ah, the catly stink-eye. There is no stinkier eye than that given by a cat. (Pru is mortified I used that photo.)

    Anne: I wish I had the skills to put it slow-motion. Maybe next time. SUPPER!

    Shieldmaiden1196: YES! That’s exactly what Gus and Pru do. It’s like they want to be friends with the ant.

    Pricilla: Yes, Pricilla, you are extremely dignified. We’ll just ignore those incriminating carrot top photos.

    Shane: Yup, I remember that. College girls, too.

    babs – beetle: Gus and Pru get breakfast and two snacks. AND they eat supper at 4PM. There is no excuse for such piggy behavior!

    Jaffer: HA! Me too. Especially if someone prepares it, puts it out for me, and cleans up afterward.

    moooooog35: It’s a helluva way to find out.

    puglette: Is there video evidence of this adorable puggy behavior? I would love to see Ollie running frantically around and around.

    Bill: That would probably work for ours too. You should see them when I play the video.

    Lauren: Aw, thanks. It might be worth a trip to the pet cemetery to see if it works. Now THAT would be a post!

    LJ: Thank you! It helps when you work with professionals.

  16. 16 Surfie

    Hmmm…I thought for sure the Word was going to be “Brains!”. They are definitley the fasted zombie cats I have ever seen. I swear I saw them levitate.
    .-= Surfie´s last blog ..When the Census Comes Calling =-.

  17. 17 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    You are a true re-animator.

    Please drop by our offices between the hours of midnight and 6am to pick up your membership card and laser weapon package. We look forward to working with you.

    Signed,
    E Pluribus Unim, Esq.
    President of The Feline Un Zombification Society (The “FUZ”)
    .-= Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog ..Do You Call It Soda or Pop? =-.

  18. 18 Kate

    Wow – now those are skillz.

  19. 19 injaynesworld

    That’s hysterical! Man — you don’t want to be standing in the doorway when those two take off. I’ve never seen jet-propelled kitties before. Quite a sight.

    Here’s a fun thing to do with ants. Put a paper towel down on the counter and once they all get in their groove marching across it in perfect single file, turn it around so that they’re running into each other. I seem to remember this being very funny back in the 70s when I was stoned a lot of the time.

    ;)
    .-= injaynesworld´s last blog ..injaynesworld we revisit "The Economy Is Kicking My Ass…" =-.

  20. 20 Penny

    That is astonishing! Even my two don’t react that fast but then, maybe I’m spoiling them coz they’re getting picky with their food… :)
    .-= Penny´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday starring Simba and Pole Cat =-.

  21. 21 Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry"

    Your cats sure moved fast! They must be hungry! We don’t have a set supper time for our cats, just our dog. We leave food out for our cats so they can eat throughout the day.

    As for those ants, our cats never killed ants either. I suggest spraying RAID around the foundation and windows of your house outside and inside, I heard ants won’t cross a chalk line and they can’t swim. If you flood your house, I bet you’d get rid of those ants very quickly!
    .-= Karen, author of “My Funny Dad, Harry”´s last blog ..Cameras and Kids =-.

  22. 22 Sparkle

    OMC! That was hilarious! I have to say, though, that here, no matter how hot it has gotten, Binga and Boodie have always been up and ready for dinner before my human has even thought of calling them! I’m usually there too, even if I do shun whatever it is I wind up getting.
    .-= Sparkle´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Meezer Colors Day: Boodie =-.

  23. 23 Daisy the Curly Cat

    That was awesome! When our Mommeh goes downstairs to feed us breakfast, we tangle all around her legs like sharks. Sometimes it might make her trip a little bit. Oopsie.

    ps: If you have ants getting into the cat food bowls, try The Antster. They are these fancy plastic trays that you put the food bowls on that has a moat inside that you fill with water.
    .-= Daisy the Curly Cat ´s last blog ..The Lotus Monster =-.

  24. 24 Tracy

    That’s hilarious! My dog won’t move until she’s absolutely certain that I put some sliced, broiled chicken breast slices in with her kibble. She ain’t moving for not stinking plain dry kibble, no siree.

  25. 25 Ron

    Bwhahahahahahaahahahahhaha!
    Bwhahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    OMG…you’re a pisser!

    I watched this video THREE times and HOWLED like a mental patient!!

    I cannot stop laughing!!!!!

    BRAVA, JD…you deserve an academy award for best documentary on cats! It was flawless, girl!

    Don’t ya just LOVE cats???

    I do!

    Thanks for sharing your brilliance!

    X
    .-= Ron´s last blog ..Touched by The Anne Frank House =-.

  26. 26 erin

    Haha. Funniest thing I have seen all day. Thanks for sharing!
    .-= erin´s last blog ..10 Years =-.

  27. 27 Katherine

    Oh MAN! That is SO FUNNY! I was waiting… waiting… kind of like Willy Wonka saying, “The suspense is terrible! I hope it will last…” The “SUPPER!” made me laugh out loud!!! Zombie cats!
    .-= Katherine´s last blog ..I Got Me Some Big 80’s Hair. Jealous? =-.

  28. 28 cardiogirl

    That is truly beyond awesome! Our code word was, “Treats.”

    I loved the power of that word. So Pavlovian, so fun! Bravo!
    .-= cardiogirl´s last blog ..Give that editor a raise =-.

  29. 29 Barb

    Fabulous! Your cats may even have a nanosecond on my cats!

    The Raise from the Dead words in my house are “Who’s Hungry?”. Once uttered 16 stampeding legs come a’runnin! It’s makes scooping all the poops and peeps almost bearable.
    .-= Barb´s last blog ..All work and no play… =-.

  30. 30 JD

    Surfie: I wonder if I could change from “Supper!” to “Brains!” They’re pretty malleable.

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): FINALLY! I’ve waited so long to get my FUZ invitation. It was well worth the hours I spent setting up and filming this short documentary on zombie cats.

    Kate: Yup. I’m pretty sure I’ve stumbled on to something big here.

    injaynesworld: HA! I gotta try that ant trick! I haven’t seen any more since that one real hot day. Maybe the zombie cats really did eat them?

    Penny: “Picky with their food” is not a phrase in my cats’ vocabulary.

    Karen, author of “My Funny Dad, Harry”: We used to leave food out for our cats too, but they just ate and ate and ate. Thanks for the ant tips. Yeah, maybe we should just let our basement flood the next time it rains!

    Sparkle: Gus and Pru often bug me for Supper! before it’s time. Loooong before its’ time. That’s why I knew I had to get a video of them just lying there like corpses. It hardly ever happens!

    Daisy the Curly Cat: Yes, Gus and Pru can be very shark-like too. I’ve actually fallen to my hands and knees thanks to Pru’s maneuvers. Thanks for the tip! I’ll check out those bowls. We haven’t had any ants since that day, but they’ll probably be back.

    Tracy: I think it would be funny to yell “SUPPER!” and then put something totally alien in their bowls, like dry cereal or popcorn. They’d be so disappointed. HAHAHAHAHA!

    Ron: I’m so glad you enjoyed it! It was quite a fascinating documentary, wasn’t it? And the best thing about it was it’s length, I think! I DO love cats!

    erin: You’re welcome. My cats aim to please.

    Katherine: Hee! I’m glad you liked it. I should’ve drawn it out even more, maybe. But I was afraid they’d start to suspect something was up.

    cardiogirl: They also respond to “Snackies!” and “Hungry!” Also, just to torture them, around suppertime I’ll sing out words that sound like “supper,” just to make them jump up and run partway into the kitchen. “Succotash!” “Succulent!” “Suh . . . nshine!”

    Barb: Gus, my older cat, responds to “Who’s Hungry?” He doesn’t jump up and run, but he gets very wide-eyed and excited.

  31. 31 Stephanie Barr

    When I saw the ants, you scared me. I thought you were bringing THEM back from the dead.

    Whew!

    Now I won’t have nightmares.
    .-= Stephanie Barr´s last blog ..RS Classics: What Do You Know About Accidents In Space? =-.

  32. 32 kathryn

    Hilarious!

    I thought for sure The Word was gonna be “Air Conditioning” (or is that two words?).

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen animals move quite that fast. Surely there must be some money to be made for the masterful way you’ve managed to reverse what appeared to be the demise of these heat-infested creatures!

    Seriously….how long did you starve them to get such a strong reaction??
    .-= kathryn´s last blog ..Something about the Hair =-.

  33. 33 Patricia (Huzzah!)

    Hmm…with all due respect to kathryn (well, and gus and pru) it doesn’t look as though she’s starving these particular felines. Maybe she hired trained extras to play the parts?

    When you shouted the magic word, both of my dogs went to their bowls. What a horrible tease to those poor, deprived animals–they could be on a commercial with Sally Struthers and Pru and Gus.

    I should note that I had two cats growing up and love them, but my husband is not quite on the cat bandwagon…yet. For a bit we had a whole herd (herd? is that the word for a bunch of cats? maybe pride, like lions?) Well, we had a whole pride of feral cats living in our crawlspace beneath our house. It’s hard to talk a man whose been in a feral pride’s living room after he changes the air conditioning filter. (And gets the door to the crawlspace padlocked.)

    So…this resurrection routine. It seems a little ‘done’ to me. Have you considered that you’re a cat godess and just keep resurrecting them twice a day?

    OKAY EVERYONE READ ME, I AM IN CAPITAL LETTERS AND THEREFORE SHOUTING. GO TO http://WWW.THEANIMALRESCUESITE.COM AND CLICK, CLICK, CLICK. It gives suppertime to a lot of animals that don’t have a J.D. to fill up their tums–it’s no strings attached–you don’t even have to say the magic Word.

  34. 34 Patricia (Huzzah!)

    Okay, I looked, and the word for a group of cats is a clowder
    cluster, clutter, or glaring. Unless they’re wild–then it’s a destruction, dowt, or dout. And in case you’re wondering, it’s a trip of dotterels, a parcel of hinds, and a flote of tunnies. So we had a whole destruction of cats in our crawlspace…yeah.

  35. 35 absepa

    At my house, the re-animation words are “treat,” “dinner,” or “toast.” (Yes, we feed our dogs toast once a day. Long story.) They can also make it from the furthest upstairs corner of the house in about 1.5 seconds if they hear me unlock the back door. They sound like a bunch of tiny horses on stampede.

    Love Pru’s airing! Who needs modesty when you have a hot belleh?
    .-= absepa´s last blog ..Maybe not the ninth level, but it was getting close =-.

  36. 36 Kathleen Kaufman

    Okay I did a spit take watching that video and wasted about twenty five cents worth of box wine. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but times are tough, I expect to be compensated for my damages.

    I wish my cats responded to anything like that. I frequently check their little cat pulses just to make sure they’re still in the here and now.
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..Less Sharon Angle, More Margaritas =-.

  37. 37 Kathleen Kaufman

    The Husband has weighed in, and while he was greatly amused by your cats, he still claims the crown of hilarious cat videos goes to the hiccuping/farting cat in the video below:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPWaQKuqENU

    The very fact that I asked his opinion has prompted to watch it ten times in a row and giggle maniacally.

    I think it’s a tie.
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..Less Sharon Angle, More Margaritas =-.

  38. 38 JD

    Stephanie Barr: I wondered about putting the picture of the ants up there. I actually perused pictures of mummies, zombies, and reanimated corpses, but none of them were quite right.

    kathryn: “AIRCONDITIONING!” No reason why that couldn’t work. “Starve”??? I believe on that day, as on every other day, they went approximately 2 hours without food.

    Patricia (Huzzah!): I like the title “Cat Goddess.” So much better than cat wrangler (non-capitalized). I do not envy your husband having to enter the lair of a destruction (I cheated and read your next comment) of feral cats. I would imagine yelling out “SUPPER!” probably had no effect on them. Thank you SO MUCH for shouting out that very important message. Yes, please, everyone. CLICK! If it makes you feel better, you can yell out “SUPPER!” as you click. (PS: What are “tunnies”?)

    absepa: I’d never seen Pru in that . . . airy position before. She was really gettin’ at all her bits. I love “TOAST!” Please tell us that story one of these days. And yes, a stampede of small horses is exactly how it sounds. Especially, apparently, if you’re in the basement hearing the thundering of hooves above you.

    Kathleen Kaufman: I’m sending you some box wine in a plastic Ziploc. I hope it makes the journey. It sounds like your cats may be low-energy, but at least they’re not unhealthily fixated on food.

    I recently saw that video! I love the cat’s expression. He looks a little embarrassed, like, “Did that come out of me?” As opposed to our cats who have the gall to look at US as if it were our fault.

  39. 39 seafoodpunch

    hehe. that’s definitely the right reaction. I just dont understand why all my pets/friends/boyfriends run in the opposite direction when i yell the same thing?

    ZOMBIE CAT!
    .-= seafoodpunch´s last blog ..The End =-.

  40. 40 Patricia (Huzzah!)

    Hmmm…

    Evidently some sort of tuna or mackerel, also a favorite of a dout of cats.

  41. 41 Jay

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I’ve seen the Word have a similar effect on Sid. Only the Word in our case is ‘Dinner!’. Works just the same though, the seemingly dead dog is miraculously restored to life, just for the five seconds it takes him to inhale the food. Hmm. Maybe I have a Zombie Dog!!!

    And perhaps he didn’t break his leg at the track after all. Perhaps another Zombie Dog bit it off when the Word wasn’t uttered quickly enough for his liking?
    .-= Jay´s last blog ..Macro Monday – Puzzle No. 23 =-.

  42. 42 v

    hey, you ever thought about becoming a writer? i enjoyed this and even lingered over some parts. the bulging ones most likely. i shall not tell a lie. today.

    jk, jd, imho, urock!

    if there’s a video i can’t see it until i get back to the farm.

    “airing their bellies . . .”

    is that what my cat is doing? i thought she was asking for a diaper change. i better have bubba take that pull up off of her then before PETA finds out.

  43. 43 meleah rebeccah

    That was friggen HYSTERICAL. “Supper” Ahahahahahhaha
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Oh Hello Internet! =-.

  44. 44 Corrina

    LMAO!! That video was fantastic! I feel your pain with the heat and all… As hot and miserable as Kris and I are I can only imagine how our poor babies feel- being covered in fur and all. They stay on the floor most of the time. lol

    I heart your kittehs!!

  45. 45 meleah rebeccah

    And they did a GREAT job of entertaining me!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Oh Hello Internet! =-.

  46. 46 Tara

    That. Was. AWESOME!!!

  47. 47 v

    okay that was awesome and funny. i just yelled supper to my cat and her eyebrow raised and that was it.

    my cat is jamaican and doesn’t understand english and i don’t speak creole. the shaking of her cat food box/bag will have to do.

    now i’m going to go add that video to my favorites.

  48. 48 JD

    seafoodpunch: Maybe your supper items aren’t as delicious as Fancy Feast?

    Patricia (Huzzah!): Heh.

    Jay: Yes, I think you DO have a Zombie Dog. And the pieces are all falling into place now, aren’t they?

    v: I think Pru may need a diaper if she’s going to continue to wantonly display her lady parts like that.

    meleah rebeccah: Gus and Pru are happy to entertain you.

    Corrina: Aw, thank you! Yes, poor hot kittehs. I sometimes wonder if they’d enjoy being shaved in the hot weather. But I doubt I’d ever be brave enough to try.

    meleah rebeccah: Excellent! Then they have earned their supper!

    Tara: Thank you! Of course, all the credit goes to Gus and Pru.

    v: YAY! Maybe “GANJA!” would work on your cat? Or “RED STRIPE!” Well, it takes years of practice. Or, in the case of Gus and Pru, about a week.

  49. 49 finallygettingtoeven.com

    That was great! I have 2 that act the same way but the secret word around here is ‘dinnertime’. What a life to be a cat, all play-no work.

    I have already informed everyone I know that in my next life I am coming back as one of my cats (that is IF I can’t come back as my hubby) and of course, still be married to ME…. (hubby begins rolling his eyes at this point).

    Thanks for a great laugh! And a great new blog I just stumbled upon.

  50. 50 JD

    finallygettingtoeven.com: Welcome, my cat-loving friend! Our cats are spoiled rotten. Except for the times I yell “SUPPER!” at 10AM. They get a little bit upset about that.

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