I Put My Clothes Back on
Published by JD March 8th, 2008 in I Do Nude.Underneath my clothes
There’s an endless story
Yes, I’m fully covered. All you squeamish readers can come on back. The nudity is gone, covered up with underwear, pants, shirts, sweaters, coats, scarves, gloves, hats, and hoods. But underneath all those layers remains the most awesome tan ever.
I wish you could see it. Specifically, I wish you could see my butt. It is nothing less than majestic.
I showed up for Zumba the Monday after our return wearing as little as possible. Jaws dropped. Oh, am I wearing white? Well, it’s laundry day. These shorts? They must’ve shrunk. I was sorely tempted to use a fast merengue as an excuse to whip off my clothes, so that the true glory of my tan would be revealed. But then, a lot of other stuff, best left covered, would have been revealed too. More jaws would’ve dropped, and not in the good way.
But! You can’t get an all-over tan without being all-over nude. And as I said in a previous post, all-over nudity does have its hazards.
The Nude Buffet
I gave in this year and joined Dave at the lunch buffet set up at the nude pool. Eating in the nude is not that bad. Keep your eyes on your plate and you’ll be fine. In fact, after spilling barbecue sauce on my favorite white shirt, eating nude does have its perks. Anyway, everyone was asked to bring a towel to lunch, tho it was never made clear whether the towel was just for sitting on (cuz, like, people were planting their naked butts everywhere else, so why would it matter now?) or to wrap around their lower halves to prevent . . .
. . . doodle dipping. I can think of no better way to say it. I was standing in the buffet line next to a guy that kinda looked like Tom Skerritt only naked. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that his . . . appendage was dangling dangerously close to a bowl of butter pats. I held my breath as he bobbed and dipped—never quite touching but coming oh so close. “Don’t eat the butter,” I hissed to Dave. After that, I was wary of all penis-level food at the buffet.
Nude Lock-Out
Did you know your iPod can deactivate your hotel room keycard?
I still don’t understand how my iPod could also have deactivated Dave’s keycard, which was sitting innocently in his shoe the whole time, but regardless, I could not get into our room with either card. And I was naked.
I found Dave at the swim-up bar and explained our dilemma.
“Are you sure you had the right room?”
I would have given him a hard look, but in fact, both of us had almost stumbled into the wrong room twice.
“Yes,” I said through clenched teeth. “I could see all my pill bottles on the dresser. We’re locked out! Naked! We’re going to have to walk to the front desk! Naked!”
(Now, it wasn’t that bad. There were towels. But wouldn’t it have been funny if there hadn’t been?)
Anyway, Naked Dave took control.
“I’m sure I’ll have better luck with the keys,” he said, masculinely.
He did not.
“Are you sure you had the right room?” I couldn’t help asking.
We wrapped ourselves in towels and walked to the “textile,” or ”prude” side to find a manager type. Now, Dave and me, naked in towels: I look pretty nondescript. Had I been naked, well, there might’ve been at least one identifying feature. Dave, however, is tall, pale, skinny, and bald-ish. When the nice manager said he’d come find us at the pool with our new keys, I KNEW he’d be looking for Dave, who had retreated back to the swim-up bar. Sure enough, I saw the manager a little while later, scanning the pool area. I waved. Nothing. I walked up to him. Nothing. I put my towel back on. Nothing. Finally I said, “I’m the one that needed new keys.”
“Oh, yeah,” he said doubtfully.
“You were looking for a tall, pale, skinny, bald guy, right?”
“Yeah!!!”
In Summary
Was all of this worth an all-over tan? After that Zumba class, I actually took a shower at the Y, something I NEVER do. But just this once, I strolled slowly through the locker room, letting as many women see that, yes, it’s ALL tan. For that one day of admiring, envious glances, it was indeed worth putting up with dicks in butter and getting locked naked out of my room.
* * *
Everyone’s tan at humor-blogs!
Even in my non-naked world, I shall always question the butter pats. You never know where they might have been or who they’ve been with.
It is still bizarre for me to picture someone walking around naked, willingly, in a public place. That’s the stuff of my nightmares. You truly do provide the best service here in your blog. I get to read about things I stand no chance of trying, yet I feel like I don’t have to — because you do! Awesome!!!
Kathy’s last blog post..Feed Me
Oh. My. God. You are officially the bravest woman I know!! Oh and I hate you for your all over tan. (I haven’t hated you in a while… it’s time.)
And ICK with Mr. Penis Butter- How could he not realize the level of the table vs. the level of his bits and pieces? They should have a sign that insisted all wear towels while any where near the food.
Corrina’s last blog post..New Blog Header
Kathy: I think you’re very wise to be suspicious of unwrapped butter pats. Even the wrapped ones—they could’ve been defiled then re-wrapped! As always, I’m happy to provide this peculiar service for you and other non-nakeds.
Corrina: *Lets gratifying hatred flow over self* Yes, it’s time. I don’t know about brave. Stupid, maybe? Anyway, yeah, I had a mini-crush on Mr. Penis Butter before he acquired that moniker. That kind of killed it.
JD’s last blog post..I Put My Clothes Back on so you don’t have to
Bravo!
In order to verify this tale, however, I shall be requiring some photographic evidence. Just for…verification. Yes.
Holy crap, this is too funny.
Being locked out of the room naked sounds exactly like a bad dream I’ve had many times over. I can’t believe it actually happened to you!
Jeff’s last blog post..Hey wait, I know this one!
Lord Likely: And you shall have it, my Lord! I’m placing an order for a daguerrotype to be made of some of my nudier adventures. As soon as the metal plates I’ve purchased are in, and the daguerrotype artist can be procured, you will have your proof. Somewhat cloudy and in black and white, of course.
Jeff: Like I said, it would’ve been funnier if for some reason there’d been no towels around, but there were plenty. I still had a bit of that nightmare feeling myself!
JD’s last blog post..I Put My Clothes Back on so you don’t have to
LMAO! Too funny! I would have NEVER had the nerve to be nude in public…not even in a women’s locker room. I hated jr. high.
It was fun reading your escapades though! lol
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Lori: Thanks so much! Your laughter is a balm for my flaking, itching, fading tan. I hated those school locker rooms, too. But maybe if I’d had an all-over tan? Who knows.
JD’s last blog post..I Put My Clothes Back on so you don’t have to
JD,Great stories….”One time at Band Camp” Anyway nevermind.
We go to a nude camp ground as often as possible…
I know of a guy walking out of the m/w bathrooms out onto the large pooldeck. With dozens of people up and about…
Only unknown to him some of his recent paperwork is well….not finished……not filed correctly.It’s trailing behind him as he transits the pools edge…Needless to say he was pulled off to the side.
Another story, A rather senior couple returning home after weeks of a nude vacation to their suburban textile life. The Mrs looks out her kitchen window the morning after their return. While stirring her morning coffee she notes. Their in the driveway is something she recognized although it is something not for public viewing. ‘Lo an behold…..hubby has inadvertantly gone out to get the morning paper. There in front of God,Man,Woman and child is hubby bending over to pick up his paper….but he’s forgotten to put his clothes on.
She screamed, He jumped, while the coffee was spilled and the paper remained unread.
RunninBare: Oh, my gawd—that poor guy. And I can totally see Sky Dog going out for the paper nekkid—only he might only claim to have “forgotten” his clothes. Funny.
Thanks for the comment!