This weekend, Dave and I decided to turn our humble bedroom into a pleasure mecca with Sex Casino, just one of the many awesome and sex-ay games available at your one-stop shop for adult toys: Eden Fantasys (warning: the link takes you to dildos). The folks at Eden Fantasys were kind enough to send me this game to review, because I don’t just do “things.”
I do SEXY things.
We made sure the cats were occupied with a toy of their own . . .
. . . and then we proceeded to check out the contents of the box.
The basic components are: playing cards, sexual favor betting chips, naughty dice, scratch & win lotto cards, and sexy spinner, with which you can play any combo of 25 “outrageously fun bedroom games.”
The cards, which are shaped like large, sexy tongue depressors, say “Have you been serviced?” on one side and “Orgasm Service Station” on the other. So that’s nice to know. Anyway, there are several card games you can play, including strip poker, which we skipped, because Dave was already naked.
The manual is a little overwhelming. The foldout has instructions on both sides.
Gus! You’re supposed to be in the living room!
After we stop giggling and taking pictures of each other’s butts, we get down to business. I mean, sex.
Who doesn’t have sex with their laptop?
“What, you’re gonna write about this WHILE we do it?” Dave asked incredulously.
“I’m just gonna take some notes.”
First we select “Play for Foreplay,” which requires each player to guess the number of chips in the other’s hand. The winner is the recipient of whatever “act” is on the chip(s). “This game can certainly be a real teaser,” promises the manual.
Dave wins the first round. I reveal my chip: “Oral.”
“Let’s play another round.”
“Where’s my oral?”
“We’ll do everything at the end.”
Next up: “Finger Play.”
We automatically begin thumb wrestling.
“Let’s try the naughty dice. We’re not being very sexy here.”
“That’s because you won’t give me my oral.”
“You know, ‘oral’ can refer to several things . . .”
“No! It always means a blow job!”
There’s nothing in the fine print to confirm whether or not “oral” does in fact refer only to blow jobs, so we move on.
Sexy Dice! This game is simple: one die has a sexy verb; the other has a naughty body part. “Game ends when you both can’t take the teasing anymore.”
Examples of possible rolls:
Suck –> Booty
Lick –> Feet
Blow –> Naughty Bits
Massage –> Ears
Kiss –> Neck
Nibble –> Lips
Damn! I get “Lick Feet.” Good thing I trimmed my toenails. Dave plants a dainty kiss on my toe and then rolls a “Suck Booty.” Double damn!
“Did you take a shower?”
I cautiously apply my lips to the meatiest part of his left buttock and begin to suck. I’ll tell you: it’s a little weird suckin’ on a butt. I let go with a loud “PLOP!”
“I gave you a hickey!”
We take a picture.
“Massage Butt.” Dave approaches my butt as if it were a particularly stubborn wad of dough and begins kneading furiously. This feels about as sexy as getting my teeth cleaned.
“Lick Neck.” I scoot around behind Dave to do some licking.
“I can’t feel anything!”
“Well, I’m just doing it with the very tip, like sexy people do.”
“Come on, get some tongue in there.”
I obligingly slap my entire tongue wetly up and down his neck.
“EW! It feels like someone just smeared me with a gluestick.”
Next we try the sexy spinner, which commands us to “Tickle Hot Spots. “
Neither of us likes being tickled, and we can’t figure out if “hot spots” are synonymous with naughty bits or with ticklish bits. Other options on the spinner include “Lick All Over” (PASS!), “Strip Tease” (already naked), “Talk Naughty” (BWAH!), and “Nibble Earlobe” (yuck).
The funnest game was the Scratch & Win Lotto cards. “You will reveal a sexy surprise waiting to be played out. The fun of these games is that you just don’t know what you will be asked to do!”
Where: In the Kitchen. Don’t worry about undressing completely, just drop your pants or lift your skirt and have fun getting it on!
How Long: 2 minutes!
Dave: “2 minutes? Well, I am 45, you know.”
JD: “You don’t think you can last 2 minutes?”
Dave: “I don’t think I can get it up in 2 minutes.”
We finish up by trying to toss the dice into each other’s belly button.
“Now what do you want to do?”
“Just have sex?”
Is it over yet?
Thank you to the folks at Eden Fantasys for letting us play Sex Casino! This was a fun game that resulted in more laughs than sexy moments, but I can assure you: Dave lasted WAY more than 2 minutes, and I finally got the satisfaction that the butt massage failed to provide.