Batman came from here
OK, so Adam Lambert didn’t win American Idol (yes, this post has been sitting in my drafts folder for a while), but recently (uh, not all that recently, I guess), Adam was on the cover of Rolling Stone. I showed the magazine to Dave, who quite appropriately rolled his eyes and wondered why he was married to a 12-year-old girl.
I told him about Adam’s performance on AI’s “Rock and/or Roll” theme night, and while there was, sadly, no Zepplinesque gong-on-fire ending during Adam’s awesome rendition of “Whole Lotta Love,” there was a whole lotta crotch. Now, suddenly, Adam’s crotch is upon us, so it’s time to talk about it.
By “it,” of course, I mean the Rock Star Bulge.
After busting out my own (non-crotchy) performance of “Whole Lotta Love” in our kitchen before a slack-jawed Dave, I shoved in my Song Remains the Same DVD so I could watch Zeppelin’s live version.
Dave looked over my shoulder. “Is that your guy?”
No, that’s my original guy, THE guy, the king of Rock Star Bulges: Robert Plant, who is clearly not wearing any underpants and who is also clearly showing off his wonderfulness, which from the look of it is really NOT that much to show off but who cares?
Ah, the Rock Star Bulge. Every young girl had one. I mean, had one that she liked. On a rock star. Right? I’m not just making this up. Rock Star Bulges were EVERYwhere in the 70s and 80s. The RSB was parodied by Spinal Tap, and long before Glambert’s Rolling Stone cover, a Rolling Stones album cover caused some bulging controversy (that’s a real bulge, by the way).
The RSB isn’t as prevalent today. It would be a little weird and gross for a Jonas Brother to show some bulge, right? (OMG, but it HAS happened!!!) OK, then, so what about, like, Michael Buble? Or how would you like to see a giant-ass bulge on Billy Joel? Or (gags) Kenny Chesney? Wait, my fact-checker tells me Kenny Chesney shows the bulge from time to time.
So I guess the Rock Star Bulge is in fact alive and well, but perhaps taking on a different form. Therefore, let us all pay tribute, as the Rock Star Bulge is handed down from the Robert Plants to the Adam Lamberts, from the long-haired, androgynous screamers in tight blue jeans to the shorter-haired androgynous screamers in tight leather pants.
The Rock Star Bulge will never die—not as long as there are rock stars and bulges. And the girls and boys who love them.
Classic Rock Star Bulges
- Rod Stewart (sorry)
- David Lee Roth
- Freddie Mercury
- Lenny Kravitz
- Roger Daltrey
- Jim Morrison
- Robert Plant (duh)
- Motley Crue
- Joe Jonas??? (well, maybe . . . )
Who’s your favorite Rock Star Bulge?