I Met My Creepy Neighbor


I've always wanted to have a neighbor just like you

lily-of-the-valley

Pretty L-of-the-V came from here

Oh, peeps, this was so creep-ay!

When we moved into our house 11 years ago, the previous owners told us they had never seen the elderly woman two doors down but that her daughter came around every so often to bring her supplies or whatever. Cool. Our other neighbors seemed really nice, and we settled into a happy existence, never thinking about the mean old lady on the corner or her daughter. Except one time I saw the alleged daughter in her backyard, throwing an empty milk carton into the next yard. I gave her a hard look, tho I was wearing sunglasses, which might have mitigated the effect.

ANYway, it’s the present. In the entire 11 years, I’ve never seen the crazy old lady on the corner. (Yes, she went from being an elderly woman to a crazy old lady.) Not only that, her windows are papered over. Not only THAT, when I’ve skulked around the alley behind her house . . . oh, but surely you get the picture.

ANYway, it’s the present. Again. I was enjoying a cookout with my family and I happened to look over between the gap in our bushes and saw The Trash-Throwing Daughter. She looked friendly enough, and she wasn’t whipping garbage into other people’s yards, so I gave her a wave.

She responded by yelling something I couldn’t hear, so I hollered back some gibberish of my own: grass, weather, flowers, sky. She kept yelling, and it seemed that something more than gibberish was required, so I motioned that I would go around to the front of her house.

So there I was! Face to face with the daughter of the evil witch from the haunted house! She seemed harmless, but I kept my distance, for that is my way. She asked me if I wanted some lilies of the valley and I DID! I figured she had been gardening (her mother being too old and infirm and busy eating young children) and had dug up a bunch that she didn’t want.

Wrong. She handed me a trowel and motioned to her garden. Oh. I was supposed to dig them up. This was weird, to say the least. I could see my family looking anxiously through the bushes. I wanted to eat my hot dog! I didn’t want to garden with my creepy neighbor. I stalled by making small talk.

“So, how long has your mom lived here?”

“My mom doesn’t live here.”

???

“Do YOU live here?”

Long silence. Then finally:

“Yes.”

“Oh! How long have you lived here?”

Creepy smile.

“A long time.”

“Well, we’ve lived here 11 years, and I’ve NEVER seen you!”

“I’ve never seen YOU!”

OK, now, that’s impossible. People see me! I’m out and about. I’m on my driveway taking pictures of the fetus, I’m scooping up dog poo, I’m walking the cats on their leashes. I am a presence in the neighborhood! You cannot say you’ve never seen me!

I looked toward her house and could have sworn I saw a curtain twitch.

I practically threw the trowel at her. “I think I hear my mom calling me!”

I ran home and buried myself under a bunch of sofa cushions. Dave was still in the yard, manning the grill, but everyone else was inside. I proceeded to tell them the story of the creepy neighbor when . . .

OHMYGOD THERE SHE IS! I scream-whispered. She was walking down our driveway! Did she have the trowel? Someone rescue Dave! He’s out there! Alone!

But Dave came in shortly thereafter. He was holding a bunch of lilies of the valley.

“Uh, your neighbor brought you these.”

“Oh.”

My family gave me a collective side-eye and went back to enjoying the cookout.

I ate my hot dog inside.

And I threw away the lilies of the valley. Because I know if the wicked witch who lives in that scary house can shape-shift, she can sure as hell put a curse on flowers.


Stumble Upon Toolbar

Humor-Blogs.com

Be Sociable, Share!



38 Comments


38 Responses to “I Met My Creepy Neighbor”

  1. 1 feefifoto

    Good Grief! You live two doors down from Boo Radley!

    feefifoto’s last blog post..Here’s Another Reason To Admire Walter Cronkite

  2. 2 Regan

    Oh, that’s terrifying. Maybe the crazy old lady knits clothes out of the kids’ skin after she eats them. Otherwise you might see her at the mall. She also found the special formula to grow children in her garden, so she has no need to go outside.

  3. 3 Kathy

    Crying laughing here. “I think I hear my mom calling me!” I hope you enjoyed your flowers. You’re lucky, though. She might have sprinkled them with anthrax.

    Kathy’s last blog post..The Summer of a Thousand Legs

  4. 4 shakespeare

    Any people go missing in the neighborhood? She must be related to the Psycho killer. Perhaps she keeps her dead mother’s body around, watching TV with it or something.

    Maybe the Lilies of the Valley sprang out of her mother’s corpse in the back yard…

    (Okay, no more of that, or I’M going to turn into the creepy neighbor.)

    shakespeare’s last blog post..What the Hell Am I?

  5. 5 flit

    I’m glad she’s your neighbour so that she doesn’t have to be mine – we’re looking for a new house (in Peterborough) and wishing we could go interview neighbours before we buy.

    I wonder if she reads your blog?

    flit’s last blog post..Deadlines

  6. 6 Daisy the Curly Cat

    Isn’t the meaning of Lily of the Valley “eternal rest”? No, wait, that’s poppies. Never mind.

    ps: I’m starting to think I might know the source of the mysterious fetus…

    Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..Sunday Comics with Daisy!

  7. 7 CatLadyLarew

    Oh, great! I might BE your creepy neighbor! Except I don’t have any lilies of the valley in my yard. And I HAVE seen my neighbors as I peer out the curtains. Oh, and I do cook hotdogs in my backyard. Want to come over?

    CatLadyLarew’s last blog post..And Now For Something Completely Different to Amuse and Entertain You….

  8. 8 The Incredible Woody

    I think you did a very wise thing by throwing those flowers away!!

    The Incredible Woody’s last blog post..Goodbye, Beautiful Canyon

  9. 9 Grace

    Why is she YOUR neighbor and not Dave’s as well?

    Grace’s last blog post..Stop dieting, lose weight (?)

  10. 10 Lola

    Do you live next to Normanda Bates?

    You’re going to have to give us updates now on the Bates house. You know she probably killed her mother and the bones are sitting in a rocking chair.

    We rarely see Mr. Friendly’s wife. (Our neighbor. I named him that in sarcasm, because he always glares at us in the most unfriendly manner.) We didn’t see the wife for a few months and wondered if she died. Then Anastasia saw her. How can a person go for months and not be seen coming or going from their house?

    Lola’s last blog post..dream…

  11. 11 C.B.Jones

    When’s the last time you took your medication? Why no pictures of the daughter? Have you thought about deep frying the fetus?

    C.B.Jones’s last blog post..The Mindful Drivel daily workout regimen.(Patent Pending)

  12. 12 Will

    Hmmm. Sounds suspicious to me… I sure hope old Mom is not in the crawl space under the house or something. Or providing fertilizer for the Lilys of the Valley. Or mummified under the sheets in the spare bedroom.

    Maybe you should sneak over and check?

    Will’s last blog post..Beef PR

  13. 13 babs - beetle

    Ha ha ha! That’s so funny. A crazy old witch who turns out to actually be the daughter who visits! Hahahaha! I think I would be a bit nervous of someone who has papered over windows. Whatever does she get up to in there?

    One last thing to ponder on – All parts, including the berries, of the Lily of the Valley are highly poisonous.

    babs – beetle’s last blog post..Car Conversation #2

  14. 14 Leeuna

    It’s only three months until Halloween. Maybe you’ll get a glimpse of the old lady then.

    LOL@ Lola. Normanda Bates! Hilarious.

    Leeuna’s last blog post..Use Only As Instructed

  15. 15 dcr

    I can’t believe you threw away lilies of the valley! My grandmother had those years ago, and I’ve tried planting them (from bulbs) and never had any luck. And here you get free ones and you just toss the poor things away. Shame. Shame, I say. Shame.

    Anyway, I was reading this other blog, and this woman was talking about how she saw this woman staring at her lilies of the valley who then waved at her when her eyes met hers. She shouted across the yard, “Take a picture–it’ll last longer!” The woman shouted back, “Grass wet her flowers dry!” at which point she realized the woman was crazy and yelled back at her to leave her alone!

    At which point, the woman mentioned she was coming over!

    At this point, of course, she feared for her life. But, she tried to remain calm. Soon–too soon for her liking–she was face to face with this woman. She didn’t know what to say, so she just blurted out, “You want some lilies of the valley?”

    To her surprise, the woman said “I sure do.”

    Shocked, she didn’t know what to do. So, she handed the woman her trowel and pointed to her garden. At the very least, she figured, if the woman tried to kill her, the cops would at least be able to get her fingerprints from the trowel.

    What followed was an awkward conversation, punctuated by the woman claiming to hear voices calling her as she ran back home. Now, she knew the woman was crazy.

    Fearing for her life, she decided to take some lilies of the valley to her herself, hoping that, if nothing else, the crazy lady would think of her kindness and spare her when she finally flipped and went on a killing rampage through the neighborhood.

    She wasn’t sure the plan worked, though, as she later saw the lilies of the valley in the trash can.

    The blog post was just titled “I Met My Creepy Neighbor.” Weird coincidence, eh? ;-)

    dcr’s last blog post..Return of the Tiger Lilies

  16. 16 Jaffer

    I’ve always lived in apartments – so I don’t really care who my neighbours are !

    Although this time it’s different – I know all my neighbours in my wing now – just that I don’t talk to them much ! LOL

    That certainly was a creepy – her mom doesn’t live there and yet she heard her mom calling !

    Yikes !

    Jaffer’s last blog post..Yes, I’m still around and a couple of updates

  17. 17 JD

    feefifoto: HA! I’d better not go out dressed as a ham anytime soon.

    Regan: Oh, that is a very creepy scenario! But it makes perfect sense. I’m pretty sure I saw some tiny heads growing out among the lilies of the valley.

    Kathy: Those flowers are long gone. Because—EXACTLY! She either cursed them or poisoned them!

    shakespeare: Yikes! You are all scaring me now. No more skulking in the alley for me!

    flit: If she does . . . well, yeah, I guess she WOULD guess who wrote it. Right? The lilies of the valley kind of give it away. WAIT! It was roses. And it wasn’t the house on the corner, it was the house in the middle of the block! DON’T KILL ME!

    Daisy the Curly Cat: Oh, my gosh. I wonder if there are more fetuses that I just haven’t noticed?

    CatLadyLarew: If you cook hot dogs in your backyard, I don’t care HOW creepy you are, I’m on my way. Just don’t wave any trowels at me.

    The Incredible Woody: Yeah, me too. You just can’t be too safe. Why was she so insistent? I swear, she hasn’t been outta her house in 11 years, and she comes over to give me a handful of flowers? Weird.

    Grace: HA! You noticed that. Yeah, she’s “my” neighbor when something weird is going on. Dave wanted nothing to do with the whole thing.

    Lola: That happened with our next-door neighbors, who moved in a few years ago. I thought the man was single and then all of the sudden, after MONTHS, there’s his wife! Why aren’t all these people out in their yards, cleaning up dog poo, like I am? (Maybe because that stupid dog doesn’t poo in anyone else’s yard?)

    C.B. Jones: The fetus is gone! Isn’t that weird? Otherwise I’d do it, just to prove a point. What point that is, I have no idea. Medication . . . eh, I’m pretty good about taking it on time. Maybe too good, if you know what I mean. Believe me, if there’s any way to surreptitiously get a picture of that “daughter,” I will.

    Will: NO! I’m too scared now! I don’t even walk past there in broad daylight anymore. There is definitely something up with Mom, tho. And there’s definitely a connection with the lilies of the valley.

    babs – beetle: I did not know that! Well, good thing I tossed them, then. Of course, I grow my own, but that’s different somehow. I don’t know what goes on in that house. All these years, I thought some nice old lady lived there. Now I know better.

    Leeuna: I like “Normanda Bates” too! Very fitting. So are you saying I should go trick or treating and ring her doorbell?

    dcr: Wow, that is so weird! And that story is so very familiar. It reminds me of something . . . but I can’t think what.

    (VERY clever, my friend! I salute you!)

    Jaffer! Actually, it was me who pretended to hear my mom calling so I could get the heck out of there. But if she had “heard her mom,” man, that would’ve freaked me out!

  18. 18 Stephanie Barr

    I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t look like that neighbor to some of ours. We’re such troglodytes.

    I guess we’ll have to start growing lilies of the valley to rebuild our image.

    Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..For Lee: Where Was the Rover

  19. 19 absepa

    I’m pretty sure most of the people around us think WE’RE the creepy neighbors. We’re not at all unpleasant to people, we’re just not out trying to make friends with everyone. And, we’re the only couple under 50 in the area without kids.

    @Lola: Our neighbors on one side have lived in the house for over a year. I’ve seen the woman and little girl once, and the man maybe four times. Oh, and they have had either the fire department or an ambulance over there like five times. They’re very mysterious.

    absepa’s last blog post..Crocs, say it ain’t so!

  20. 20 NaTuRaL

    funny story, jd. i even hit the stumble button for ya because i suck at doing that. i’m turning over a new leaf, well just a corner of it and only for tonight.

    now didn’t your mom tell you never to talk to strangers. it’s a good thing you didn’t go digging in that woman’s yard for lilies. i think her wanting you to do it was a cry for help. just exactly where is her mother then? pushing up lilies, huh? nice save: i think i hear my mom calling me.

    you were on the right track though talking to her from a distance (grass, weather, flowers, sky – too funny), but you have to pull back a little from the mr. rogers’ “Won’t You Be My Neighbor” mentality. sum ting’s wong. smiling all crazy too. nope.

    next time you see her, it’s okay to wave from a distance while saying: stay, the, h*ll, away, from, me. just don’t forget to smile when you do it, or she will think that something is wrong with you.

    NaTuRaL’s last blog post..I am conductor, hear me cook

  21. 21 Sue

    Wow, I don’t think anyone can top that creepy neighbor. You have the creepiest neighbor around the blogoshere – congratulations?

    Sue’s last blog post..From the Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude Files

  22. 22 Barb-WillThink4Wine

    Maybe the fetus is actually a voodoo doll from the Wicked Witch of the West… she does live West of you – right?

    We use to sing a song when we were kids called OLD LADY WITCH… do you know that one?

    Barb-WillThink4Wine’s last blog post..eleven hours

  23. 23 Ungirdled Passion

    I’d keep those cats on a leash if I were you! Good luck!

    Ungirdled Passion’s last blog post..Symptoms of Menopause, Perimenopause, & Jabba The Hutt Syndrome

  24. 24 Jay

    I can identify! We have a weird neighbour too. He has a son with some kind of mental issue, who never goes out and is seldom seen – I’ve never seen him, in fifteen years and he’s only two doors down – but is heard occasionally, yelling and screaming. They have a dog I never see, too.

    I do, however, see the weird neighbour. He creeps out at odd hours and walks down end neighbour’s drive, looking furtive. He comes out two minutes later, never having reached the house. We think he sneaks down there to pee. Also, we see him taking wheelbarrow loads of … stuff … into the fields, and coming back empty. Earth, bricks, bits of concrete. Stuff.

    I don’t even want to think about what he might be doing.

  25. 25 Tiggy

    And this is why I never talk to any of my neighbours. They are all evil and probably axe-murderers. Of course, I may be wrong, but why take chances?

    Tiggy’s last blog post..Rainbow Princess – A True Friend

  26. 26 Bingo

    I think all we have had a neighbor that we doesn’t want, I had a neighbor who always bothered me, she likes do it, and many times she blamed me for things that I haven’t done. Oh My God I hated that woman, thanks God I moved out.

    Bingo’s last blog post..July All Slots Winners

  27. 27 Anne

    Our creepy neighbor recently moved. Glad to hear we were not the only ones with wacky neighbors. Just smile and nod and try to stay on your own side of the fence :).

  28. 28 JD

    Stephanie Barr: I can’t imagine you’re anywhere near as creepy as this lady. In fact, I doubt you’re creepy at all. But lilies of the valley are always a good idea.

    absepa: We have a woman (possibly married?) across the street who always has a cop car in front of her house. She also enjoys watering the lawn in her bikini. We’re not that outgoing either. We met a lot of our neighbors when our next-door neighbors threw a party for everyone after they’d done huge construction on their house. We were like, “And you are?” This, after 10 years.

    NaTuRaL: HAW! Oh, man. Good stuff. Yeah, I have a feeling there’s more in that garden than just lilies of the valley. And I’ll definitely keep smiling—a manic, terrifying, CRAZY smile that will hopefully keep her in her yard and away from me.

    Sue: Thanks? I win? Yeah, it was definitely a strange encounter. One I hope not to ever repeat.

    Barb-WillThink4Wine: No! Sing “Old Lady Witch” for me. Maybe then I can sing it out my car window as I drive past the Wicked Witch of the (yes) West’s house!

    Ungirdled Passion: Oh, nobody better even THINK about touching my cats! Bad things will happen, and you will be praying for the trowel when I finish with you. Not “you” but, you know . . . them.

    Jay: Oh my gosh. OK, YOU win. That’s way creepeir than mine. Peeing? Burying bodies? (You know that’s what he’s doing; I’ll say it if you’re too afraid.) Yikes.

    Tiggy: Indeed. Why risk your life for a stupid cup of sugar? It’s not worth it.

    Bingo: Sometimes moving out is the only choice. I thank Zod that we have good neighbors on either side—and mainly good neighbors on the block.

    Anne: The weird thing is, for years, I had thought it was some old infirm lady. Now that I know it’s a creepy younger woman, I live in fear. I’m glad your creepy neighbor moved.

  29. 29 Pricilla

    Hmmm, maybe this explains why NO OTHER Feedblitz subscription of mine went into spam. JUST YOURS.

    Erm, does this not mean that your trash is now possessed?

    Pricilla’s last blog post..Goatucation – What Goats SHOULDN’T Eat

  30. 30 Sven

    Maybe the elderly woman is a cover for the “daughter’s” pot-farm. Would explain the gardening, occasional visits and papered over windows.

  31. 31 Tim

    Ok. Why do I feel you are all too eager to believe the worst of your poor neighbour. I mean, just because she drops fetuses around the block doesn’t mean she isn’t a caring individual reaching out to you the only way she knows how – with her trowel.

    Tim’s last blog post..What’s LaToya Jackson Been Smoking?

  32. 32 cardiogirl

    Oh man. That. Was. Awesome!

    Background. Present day. Foreshadowing. Shape shifting.

    Bravo!

    cardiogirl’s last blog post..The dog barks at midnight and other nonsense

  33. 33 JD

    Pricilla: Ew, weird! When I got my own Feedblitz email, the subject was weird goobly-gook. So there’s our proof. Yes, somehow my trash AND my feeds are cursed. CURSED!

    Sven: Now there’s an interesting perspective. Perhaps I should make another friendly overture. Perhaps I was too hasty? Oh, NEIGHBOR!

    Tim: HA, yeah. I guess I should be glad she wasn’t waving around a spade. It seems REALLY coincidental that since meeting her the fetus has DISAPPEARED from my driveway. Make of that what you will.

    cardiogirl: It just needed some sex, maybe, but I couldn’t figure out how to work it in.

  34. 34 Jimbone

    Fetus hotdogs — yummm

  35. 35 MomZombie

    This is another example of why I love you so. What a weird neighbor, what an odd way to meet her. So typical, too, that even when there are witnesses to these things you’ve been talking about, you come off looking like the nut job.

  36. 36 fracas

    I’m sure she was telling the truth when she said her mother didn’t *live* there… doesn’t mean her mother wasn’t *there*…

    (chuckles and runs away before JD throws something at me…)

  37. 37 JD

    MomZombie: We have a mutual love thing going on here. And you’re so right. Why am I the crazy one in this scenario? What would anyone else have done differently?!

    fracas: No, no, I’m not throwing anything at my fracas! I happen to agree. Her mother probably WASN’T “there.” Brrrr.

  38. 38 Elder Move

    Very funny story. I think most of us have lived in neighborhoods with a weird elderly person, we can relate.


Subscribe

Subscribe by RSS Feeds


I Do Kindle


Read my blog on Kindle



Read a Random Thing





Categories









Blog Widget by LinkWithin