I Make Fun of People’s Afflictions—in Song!
49 Comments Published by JD November 3rd, 2008 in I Am Grossed Out.But the fruit of the poor lemon
Is impossible to eat
Many years ago, I worked with a nice young man named Kevin. One day, Kevin told me he had a very large polyp that needed to be removed surgically.
Oh, no!
He went on to tell me that the polyp, lodged in his nasal cavity, was approximately the size and shape of a lemon.
Oh, YES!
Folks, you cannot tell me you have a lemon growing in your nose and not expect me to write a song about it. Afflictions such as this were just MADE to be immortalized (and ridiculed) in song.
I immediately set about writing a song for Kevin’s lemon polyp. As talented as I may be in coming up with original and catchy lyrics, I’m no good at making up my own tune. No problem, I just stole one. What song comes to mind when you think of lemon polyps? Of course! “Lemon Tree”—the tune and lyrics of which can be found in the handy link at the top of this post.
So, here is the song I wrote in honor of Kevin’s polyp. I know that by making fun of him and singing this song whenever I saw him, I helped him forget about his affliction.
“Lemon Kevin”
(sung to the tune of “Lemon Tree”)
(CHORUS)
Lemon pie very tasty
Lemon Jello fun to eat
But a lemon up your nostril
Will not make you feel so sweet
Lemonade very frosty
Lemon sherbet keeps you cool
But a lemon up your nostril
Makes you feel just like a fool
When I was just a snot-nosed kid
Whoever thought I’d be
Harvesting a lemon in
My nasal cav-i-ty?
My doctor said to me, my boy
You must have surgery
For you don’t want to go through your life
Smelling le-mo-ny
(REPEAT CHORUS)
Today I am a healthy man
I’m through with surgery
My lemon now is lemon juice
In a jar in Pathology
I’m breathing through my nose again
and am happy as can be
To have my face all back in place*
and working nor-mal-ly
(REPEAT CHORUS)
Do you have any afflictions you’d like me to make fun of in song form? No disease or deformity is too horrible or too minor. Submit your afflictions, and I’ll pick one that tickles my fancy and write a song about it. A fun song that will make you feel better and make everyone else laugh at you. Isn’t that what good health is all about?
*The surgeon had to remove the polyp through Kevin’s nose, just like that scene in Total Recall (this clip shows the scene in reverse order, which may or may not be grosser than the original)
_________________
Coming Thursday!
- The results of the Top 10 Terrifying Things contest!
49 Comments
I always figured if you squeezed a McDonald’s hashbrown...
Wow ! Those lyrics can actually be sung !
I am singing it to a tune but I don’t remember which song it was – O well !
Afflictions ? Well I’m going to keep mine away from you this morning !
Jaffer’s last blog post..Fuchsias on dinnerware
Ha ha! great lyrics! Here is the song for Jaffer: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=301T3rf-1Ts
I’ll have to think on this one ;O)
Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Diamonds. A girls best friend? – Part 3 (final)
Awesome! And it’s a song I don’t mind having in my head all day!
Hey, can you write a song about my affliction? I’m unable to burp.
Kathy’s last blog post..Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Ha ha ha @ Kathy! Wonderfully, windless woman!
Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Diamonds. A girls best friend? – Part 3 (final)
Fabulous! Congratulations on the Kevin song! Too bad that’s not my brother Kevin… but if he’d had a lemon polyp up his nose, I’m sure he would have told me about it so I, too, could mock him. He counts on me for that kind of thing, and I certainly wouldn’t want to disappoint him.
Could you write a funny song about fibromyalgia? If I could see it as a funny disease, it might not piss me off as much as it does.
Kelly’s last blog post..Selene
@Babs, well I’m not windless, if you know what I mean. I just can’t burp. Oh, I’m sorry JD. I’ll take this discussion elsewhere. Carry on…
Kathy’s last blog post..Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Love the lemon polyp song! My husband and I make up alternate lyrics to songs all the time, it’s lots of fun.
My affliction (although it’s more of an annoyance, really) is rosacea. Basically, it’s incurable and it makes your face red, swollen, and itchy. In my case, the reddest part is my nose, which looks pretty Rudolph-y without the special green concealer I use to cover it up. I would LOVE it if you could come up with a funny song about it.
absepa’s last blog post..The Gym Class Chronicles, Part 2
hahaha! I’m sure that song had incredible healing powers.
One of my afflictions is not severe or life threatening, but ever present–cat hairs in my eyes, nose and mouth-itis. It is often overlooked and dismissed as trivial. I beg to differ.
chat blanc’s last blog post..What the blank? It’s a CONTEST!
Great lyrics. I have afflictions that you could probably make fun of but I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Mostly I’m just screwy in the head.
Kathy – do you get hiccups a lot because you can’t burp? I have trouble with burping sometimes and I always end up with hiccups instead. Sorry to hijack the thread but I’m a curious bird.
Hahahaha!! Poor Kevin! Did he like his song? LOL!
I second Kelly’s request. Please do a song about fibromyalgia so we poor afflicted sufferers can laugh about it. There’s got to be some good in it, huh?
Here’s a few symptoms for you to play with -
Poor sleep
Aches and pains
Brain fog
Painful trigger points
Fatigue
Prone to injury
Staggering due to stiffness
Headaches
Depression and panic attacks
If you want any more, just ask. We have lots. And they’re all yours for the price of a song!
Jay’s last blog post..Balls!
@Babs – LOL ! When was the last time I heard PP&M ? Oh right right now ! Thanks Babs !
Jaffer’s last blog post..Fuchsias on dinnerware
That is really clever! And yes, I’m sure we all sang along – if you can make degenerative disc disease funny, please be my guest – especially this morning – I would love to be laughing at the pain and inability to stand straight and walk like a normal person….I am very Igor-ish this morning…
Broadway Matron’s last blog post..November horoscopes finally posted
Well, a lemon in the nose is better than a sharp stick in the eye! I think.
One time I had rocks in my bladder.
Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..Monday Mystery: Find the Differences!
Great song. How about one for stretch marks? On me, stretch marks cover from beneath my arms to below my knees for reasons that escape me since I’ve only ever carried children in my abdomen. But, there you go.
stephanie barr’s last blog post..The Frightening Way My Mind Works
Move over “Weird Al”, you’ve got some competition…
TheSnackHound’s last blog post..Sick Glasses: There is a Cure!
this is by far the funniest blog i’ve seen since forever! you’re hilarious! i love it!
LOL! keep them coming! 
Ane’s last blog post..Music Monday: Better Days by Dianne Reeves
Even I can’t type what I’m thinking on someone else’s blog! Let your imagination run wild!
Fancy’s last blog post..Will I never learn?
I just threw up on my keyboard visualizing the lemon being extracted a la Total Recall style. Pass the tissues please!
Have you written a blog yet called “I threw up so you don’t have to?” Cause…..perhaps now might be a good time!
Christa’s last blog post..I need to lick something
April (and JD, in case you need details for a song) — I do not get the hiccups, but it’s painful nonetheless. Instead of burping, I gurgle. My husband says I sound like a sink backing up. It hurts as all the air is traveling up and down my esophagus. When I open my mouth in the hopes a burp will come out, it doesn’t. Only a gurgle, and then my chest hurts like someone’s sitting on it. I wish I could do it. It is my dream to burp the alphabet.
Kathy’s last blog post..Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Jaffer: You can sing it to any tune you like! That’s the sign of a great song that will be sung for years to come. Don’t worry: I’ll find out about your afflictions SOMEhow.
Babs – beetle: Thanks for posting that! I like that version better, but the Trini Lopez one is so corny (and includes the “real” lyrics).
Kathy: Phew. I’m glad you like the tune. Your burping affliction is fascinating and definitely song-worthy. I’m working on it . . .
Babs – beetle and Kathy: Oh, please. Everyone wants to hear about how “windy” you are, Kathy! Especially since you can’t release it, at least, not from THAT orifice, right?
Kelly: It would certainly freak me out if your brother had a lemon polyp in his nose, just like “my” Kevin. I will see if I can come up with anything for “fibromyalgia.” I hate that it pissed you off. Let’s see, what rhymes with “fibromyalgia” . . . ?
absepa: Thank you! Yes, my brother and I grew up doing this kind of thing, much to our parents’ annoyance. OK! Rosacea. That could be a good one. I’m sorry you’re afflicted but glad you got some cool green coverup makeup.
chat blanc: I know it did. Who wouldn’t feel better after hearing that song? Oh, I’m quite familiar with your affliction, and even if it doesn’t have an official name, it is VERY real.
April: Thanks for asking Kathy that question. I find her condition to be quite fascinating. And don’t think I can’t write a song about being screwy in the head, my dear.
Jay: Oh, he loved it! Luckily he had a good sense of humor. I’m very sorry to read your long list of symptoms. Are those all result of fibromyalgia? You can be sure that, if I were to write a song about fibromyalgia, that, in addition to making fun of you, I would try to be informative as well.
Jaffer: Wasn’t that great? I wonder if Babs ever saw them in concert . . . ?
Broadway Matron: Thank you, and I’m sorry you’re in such pain. Yikes. After reading about all these very real afflictions, I’m not laughing so much. But, I will do my best.
Daisy the Curly Cat: Excellent point, Daisy! And rocks in the bladder sound like No Fun. I bet that was very painful.
stephanie barr: Thank you. Wow, full-body stretch marks. That sounds pretty freakish and definitely deserving of a song.
TheSnackHound: Woo! Are you suggesting I try to put together a video for “Lemon Kevin”?
Ane: Wow, thank you! Thanks for stopping by, and I hope you’ll keep coming back. There is no end to the stuff I Do!
Fancy: Oh, boy. WILL I!
Christa: That one is definitely in my draft folder. But maybe you could write a guest post, seeing how you did it more recently than I did. BLEEEUUURRGH!
Kathy: That is just awful! I don’t know if it’s worth not ever getting the hiccups if you have such pain from not being able to burp. Burping the alphabet, however, is definitely overrated.
@ Kathy. I have a sister just like you. She pulls the strangest faces when trying to burp but, alas it’s just a gurgle and a feeble gurgle at that!
JD, I can’t come up with anything other than my allergy – constant sneezing when I come into contact with either dust or almost all household cleaners, air fresheners, perfume etc
Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Diamonds. A girls best friend? – Part 3 (final)
Here is one alliment you migh thave trouble with I have had a clogged nose since i was 5 and I had to have one surgery that didn’t because my addnoids grew back and now I just live with it, but is really bad and i would love a song about it.
Well thank you JD. If we can’t laugh at ourselves (or other people), then what good are we to comedians? My afflictions? Um, since I just came from the chiro, what about my sciatic nerve pain. My back is bent like Igor (hump optional) and I drag my leg like a wounded dog without my Tens Unit. If that don’t work, then I have a peg leg, a wooden eye and a wicked lisp that prevents me from pronouncing Mississippi without showeing people with my saliva gland.
Natural’s last blog post..Answering Comments: Obligation, Optional or Off?
Hmmm, I can’t think of anything. But making fun of people’s afflictions IS pretty fun. I just love making fun of people, but not too too much. Just enough for a good laugh. Especially if these people are DRUNK!!! Drunk people are hilarious.
oh and if you wanna make’a fun’a of my’a affliction (don’t ask sometimes i speak in different accents) that will appear over at my place later tonight or whenever i feel like hitting publish or if i can, by all means. i need a chuckle and you need a record deal. you can write for joe the plumber, with no license.
Natural’s last blog post..Answering Comments: Obligation, Optional or Off?
I think she’s making it up, but my wife insists I have RLS (restless leg syndrome) simply because my legs kick and run like a dog when I’m sleeping. So I don’t have any real problem but my wife sure does!
Jeff’s last blog post..The Post Halloween Report
My mother loved Trini Lopez and I heard that song a million times when I was a kid! OMG!!
Preston’s last blog post..Election Eve – Go Vote Tomorrow
…polyp…that word just cracks me up. I never thought that lemon and polyp could be used in a sentence together. This post is an instant classic!
Babs – beetle: So, Kathy, you are not alone! There are other gurglers out there. Maybe you can form a support group (after I write an embarrassing song about you, of course). Babs, allergies are nothing to sneeze at. There could be quite good song potential in your horrifying affliction.
brooke: Ah, the dreaded clogged nose. I’m no doctor, but can’t you get those pesky adenoids removed? I think mine got scooped out when my tonsils were removed. Ask your parents. You should not have to go thru life with a clogged nose, song or no song!
Natural: Well, you’ve certainly given me alot to work with here. Are you sure you’re not in the affliction songwriting business? I’ll be dropping by later to check out whatever it is you’re rambling on about.
Regan: You’re right! Let’s make fun of drunk people! Maybe you can write a song about that. But not too much fun. You’re right about that, too.
Jeff: I wonder how Charli would feel if I wrote a song making fun of her for thinking you have RLS? You might have a real affliction if you’re not careful!
Preston: OMG! I My parents had that album, too. I used to listen to Trini Lopez’s version AND Ferrante and Teicher’s version over and over. What a geek!
ann of the junkdrawerblogfamily: Thank you! Yeah, there’s something about “polyp.” Of course, it’s not that funny when it’s a COLON polyp, but any other kind is fair game, I say.
OMG You are flippin’ brilliant! I think I may have wet myself.
Oh, I’m sooooo stumbling you.
AngieSS’s last blog post..Men, Could You Please Hit The Hole?!!
How does one develop a polyp the size of a lemon? That hurts just thinking about it.
The Hawg!’s last blog post..Where the heck is my boysenberry syrup?
A lemon up his nose? I cannot even imagine.
My husband has nasty toenail fungus. I’d like to see that in song.
Jen – Queen of Poo’s last blog post..The Monday After
How can you grow anything the size of a lemon in your nose and not have your face distort? EEEK!!
Funny song!
Corrina’s last blog post..Suck It
You mean more than one person had a Trini Lopez album???? I was hoping your post today would be “I Voted But You Still Have To” I know it may be annoying but I just can’t help making up titles for your blog. Did you ever see the movie Butterflies Are Free with Goldie Hawn? There’s a seen when she is talking about Donnie Dark sayings like “There are none so blind as those who will not see.” And Goldie goes on saying you could make a million of those like, “There are none so lame as those who will not walk,” or “There are none so hungry as those who will not eat” and so on. Anyway, I know I’m rambling but it made me think of your blog and you could do the same with your titles. LOL I think it is such a clever idea for a blog. Anyway, enough sucking up for one day. I need to take these boots off…
Preston’s last blog post..Election Eve – Go Vote Tomorrow
I have but they grew back and they said that it was not necessary again. I have gotten better but right now i have a cold so it is exceptionaly stuffy right now.
Aw, it was beautiful, JD– it brought a tear to the eye.
So, what can you do with sinus migraines?
Jenn Thorson’s last blog post..The US Goodwill Ambassador to Shmertz
no afflictions in need of songs… although I have written a poem about my annoying habit of fainting for no good reason (and without warning of course – very special) …
but hey, I have this musical I’m pulling together for a school assignment and I need a bunch of new song lyrics for that…wanna do my homework for me?
flit’s last blog post..Meltdown Time
AngieSS: Oh, you are so nice. Thanks for the Stumble! I hope you’ve dried off by now, or I’ll have to write a song about that.
The Hawg! I know, right! I think your innards just sort of move around and accomodate it. A friend of mine had a honeydew-sized benign cyst in her ovaries, and everything just kinda got shoved over. gets another song idea . . .
Jen – Queen of Poo: UGH! I don’t know . . . fungus is pretty funny, even tho I’m afraid of it. This could be a good challenge for me to get over my fear of mold. MOLDY TOES!
Corrina: See my comment to The Hawg! above. His eyeballs were actually a little bulgy, but otherwise he looked perfectly normal. He was also very congested.
Preston: HA! I’ve never seen Butterflies Are Free but I love those lines. That’s funny. Hey, I’m always open to suggestions, so if you come up with any titles, please let me know. I did vote, AND you still have to. That would’ve been a good one.
brooke regans friend: Well, just be glad you don’t have a lemon stuck up there.
Jenn Thorson: Why, thank you. It is a very touching ode to the lemon polyp, isn’t it? Let’s see, sinus migraine. That’s a pretty bad affliction, all right, but I’m sure I can find a way to make fun of it.
flit: Ummmm . . . no. But thanks for asking! Now, about that fainting thing, is that related to your vagus nerve? ‘Cuz that would make an awesome song!
You have a good point about that.
A friend of mine once got pickle juice up her nose, and it was absolutely hilarious.
Duck’s last blog post..Da Vote
Duck: But did you write a song about it?
Pickle juice, very tangy
On a cracker or a bun
But the juice up your nostrils
Doesn’t sound like too much fun
Hmmm. Perhaps it needs a new tune.
Barry Manilow, eat your heart out. Oh wait, that could be another affliction for which you could write a song – ha ha!!!!
Margaret (Nanny Goats)’s last blog post..Can Goats Get Catty? Yes We Can.
Margaret (Nanny Goats): HA! Although I do love “Could It Be Magic” (runs and hides in shame)
I worked with a girl who had something similar but her polyps were not too big, her polyps looked like a bunch of grapes and it always made me laugh!
90 ball bingo’s last blog post..Name Our Game Finalists
90 ball bingo: Ew, GRAPES? That’s even funnier than a lemon. No songs are coming to me yet, but give me time.
Your blog made me laugh so hard lemon juice came out of my nose.
Madame X’s last blog post..Nix Agonistes
Madame X: That’s a bad sign! Get thee to your nearest polyp doctor and have that checked out immediately. YOU MAY HAVE A LEMON POLYP IN YOUR NOSE!
Rofl JD… lovely song!
Kathy… I’m glad I read comments far enough to hear your tale of woe. I share that tale! I’ll have to dub you a fraccy sister also.
Now.. JD. I know I’m rather late… but please, pretty please, would you write a song about my hernia? I know Weird Al did one, but something tells me yours would be better.
Oh.. and I actually just had surgery to fix it a couple of weeks ago, so right now, I have plastic (that looks like a badminton birdie) sewn into my abdominal muscle and an incision scar that still feels like a rope sitting there under my skin.
I’m assuming that gives you a bit to work with. But if not, there are a couple of posts at fracas from the last week in October, where I whine and moan about related things.
Thanks. I promise to post your song. Heck… I shall even load it up at the fuelmyblog blog. They’ll love it!
fracas’s last blog post..On Cheating Darwin…
fracas: Oh, a hernia is very tempting. Thank you for all the details. I just checked out Weird Al’s hilarious video, and I’m not sure I can top that, but I will let it simmer in my brain and see if inspiration strikes.