Take all the fruit that you want to eat
It’s gonna be a fruit salad . . . bleeeuurgggh!
Did you remember to celebrate Dave’s birthday last month? If so, I hope y’all had a big, delicious slab of cake in his honor.
Because over here, we didn’t get no cake.
Dave’s birthday dinner would be a homemade one, prepared lovingly by his incompetent wife, who really only knows how to make McDonald’s. I promised him ziti and rolls. What about dessert? We all know he hates cake, so . . . pie? Cookies? Ice cream? Perhaps a trifle?
No. Nothing. No dessert for the birthday boy.
OK, then the rest of us can have cake!
No. Nothing. No dessert for anyone. That was Dave’s most fervent birthday wish. That NO ONE have any dessert.
Cruel!
But he did want something more than just the ziti and rolls. He suggested ambrosia salad—you know, that gooey concoction of fruit cocktail and marshmallows.
This was just twisting the knife. Dave may hate cake, but I hate fruit even more. Still, I had promised to make whatever he wanted.
The inclusion of fruit was unavoidable, but many of the recipes I found online called for disgusting ingredients like sour cream and coconut. Not gonna happen. My version? Cool Whip, mini marshmallows, fruit cocktail, grapes, and strawberries.
Dave loved it. “It tastes like candy!” he proclaimed. And it was dessert-y enough to satisfy the sweet tooths (?) of the rest of us. Especially those of us who picked out the gross fruit.
I was so pleased with my efforts that I made it again. Except I didn’t quite have all the ingredients to replicate the original version.
Yes, I could have gone out and bought some fruit, but . . .
Eating a big bowl of Cool Whip and marshmallows may seem wrong to YOU, but remember.
I didn’t get any cake.
___________________________________________
Fruit salad came from . . . oh, wait! I actually used one of my own photos.
106 Comments
106 Responses to “I Make Fruitless Fruit Salad”
- 1 Pingback on May 7th, 2010 at 10:15 AM
i am so sorry i forgot dave's birthday last moth! ooopps! happy belated b-day dave!
jd, buddy…no fruit?? no oranges? no bananas? apricots? peaches? cherries? plums? no fruity delicious smoothies? no mango sorbet? how can you surive? i love fruit! i crave it. i know when most of my favorites are at their peak of ripeness.
the parts of ambrosia salad that you like are the same ones i hate. marshmallows covered in sticky sweet goo…eeeewww! if you leave out the cool whip, mini marshmallows and the coconut that would be ambrosia to me.
and one question for dave, no cake? dude, what's up with that? what about a cheesecake or a pie?
oh, i have to go sit down and think about both of these anti-goodness revelations.
hugs,
puglette
:p
You know, if you had some of those little hard marshmallows from cereal that you reviewed a while back, you could have at least had some fruit flavor.
Anyway, happy belated birthday to Dave.
Make sure you ask for an extra large cake when your birthday rolls around…
Wow, he actually HATES cake? That must be one reason I love it so much. I guess I get all the cake cravings for those people out there who don't like it. And I don't think I've ever heard of anyone not liking fruit at all either. If you tell me you love vegetables, I'm swear I'm going to have an attack of the vapors.
You know what might be good in your fruitless fruit salad? Chocolate chips!
Not even baby oranges? You are hard core, Mrs. You know what you could do, though? Serve it in those little foil cupcake holders. Then you could top each with icing and sprinkles. So it feels special.
Thank you for making ambrosia so I wouldn't have to. I would not, could not in a box, with a fox, with a mouse, in a house ….
(Sorry, Dr. Suess, for being so unoriginal.)
JD: As an aside: I cannot read any of your comments now that you are using the Disqus system. Is it my browser? I love reading your comments!
Oh, poo. The comments are the best part! Can you just not see them at all or is the screen all blue (the color of my background?)
You're forgiven. Is it the fruit? The coconut? It surely can't be the marshmallows or Cool Whip — that's the best part!
The baby oranges in the original version were so BITTER! But then you are talking to someone who can eat cake frosting for breakfast. I love the idea of fruit salad cupcakes. Maybe next year.
He once famously said, “Cake tastes like air.” I guess he hates air, too. I share your cake cravings, especially when the cake is in the form of sweet cuppa-cakes. Er . . . I do love vegetables. But I love chocolate chips even more. Great suggestion!
I originally was going to tie all this in to the whole cereal marshmallow thing but decided not to. However, smart readers (like you) will see the parallel. Oh, and I ALWAYS get cake.
Ewww, ambrosia. My granny used to make it when I was a kid, and, despite the fact that I love all fruit, I still hated it. Your version sounds much better…I love Cool Whip so much I eat it straight from the little tub. The wiki entry also says you can use sweetened whipped cream, which sounds yummy, too.
Not to crack too much on Dave, but have you considered that he might be a sadist? I've never heard of anyone banning all dessert from their birthday gathering. There's no point in having a meal at all if you don't get dessert. (Speaking of which, I can offer a scrumptious fruit cocktail cake recipe, if you're interested.)
I can handle a smoothie, because all the fruit is mashed up beyond recognition. But it can't be too tart or cold or . . . fibrous. At least we agree on the coconut!
Dave likes pie and cheesecake. But, according to him, “cake tastes like air.” Go figure!
For Dave http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26y83muuDWw
Of course over there Ambrosia is a kind of rice pudding.
I really like your can do spirit, that's the way our pioneer grandmothers would have handled the situation.
Uh, OK, enjoy.
I feel for your lack of cake. I'll go eat a doughnut in sympathy.
Try it with cool whip and a jar of maraschino cherries – walnuts -YUM!! I can't remember what else but it was really good.
Eating a big bowl of Cool Whip and marshmallows is soooo not wrong, but not quite right either. Next time squeeze in some chocolate syrup and some walnuts. You've got yourself some Rocky Road Mousse.
I love Ambrosia Salad. I never did understand why one isn't supposed to consider it dessert though. What about that ooey gooey sweetness is the savoury of a main meal? So if he says “no dessert” but you serve Ambrosia!! – You're laughin!
WHAT?! No apples?! What is a celebration without apples?!
You have done him wrong.
We do not celebrate anything on this Farm without apples. Apples and grain.
I understand for you humans that if you combine the two and let them erm, sit you will have a tasty concoction for your parties that will help you have fun.
I have The Wiggles song stuck in my head now, thanks. I'll share it with you and you can enjoy it for the rest of the day too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gB4MNu6W9sg
No cake for a birthday? That's so wrong on so many levels. I'm glad he liked your Ambrosia but I like your other version better.
Oh, I remember that comment now! I loved to live where the air tastes like cake.
And I've just realized that it's a good thing you love vegetables, because you can eat them for me, so I don't have to! And I'll eat your fruit and Dave's cake! Everybody can be happy then. 
I have to admit to not liking fruit much either. I will eat tinned fruit in a trifle though, but I like the cream and custard bit the best – Oh and the baby rusk biscuits all soaked in jelly
I like the sound of marshmallows. Might have to try that.
I like fruit but I don't eat much. I would rather have cake
I like fruit, but not fruit cocktail with those fake cherries (that only come 2 to a whole can) and there's something wrong with the grapes. Canned grapes? Blech!
Did someone say “pie”?
Babs, what the hell kind of Brit-dessert-talk are you saying? Tinned fruit in a trifle? Baby rusk biscuits? Soaked in jelly? ACK! I don't even know what that means, but it sounds…..soupy.
And that's why God invented pie, bless His heart.
Are you referring pie, Pricilla? As in, apple pie?
Did someone say “pie”?
Oh, wait, were you the one who got that Bulk-sized bag of marshmallows and they were bad and then you got another?
OK Baby rusk biscuits are really trifle biscuits, but they are much the same. Search Google images, and you will find dozens of different kinds of trifle. I'm sure you would love some of them – especially the chocolate trifles
Ohhh NOW I get it. OK, sign me up for the trifle!
I knew you'd like it
I was thinking of something a bit more, erm, fermented but pie is good.
I love that salad and I love Kool whip with hot fudge…sounds like a plan for me who needs the cake.
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
At least it's not that yucky Waldorf salad with walnuts and fruit and CELERY.
Confession: I love ambrosia salad, with the coconut and sour cream and all that stuff. I do NOT like Cool Whip. (And Daisy and I will disagree about this, but I love Waldorf salad too. She will be happy to know, however, that Sparkle hates it.) But then, I like fruit. There is a Trader Joe's medley of dried cranberries, cherries, golden raisins and blueberries; lately I've been eating that as a snack and even choosing it over chocolate! Sacrilegious, I know.
All that said, a birthday without cake is just wrong. I would have bought some, hidden it somewhere, and eaten a piece in Dave's honor when he was not looking.
Is it possible Dave is eating cake without icing or something? Because maybe he's just doing it wrong? How can it taste like air? Oh, I wish he understood the power of cake. I feel like maybe he should go get studied by a team of scientists. His cake sensors are all bollixed up.
My mother makes fruit salad with cottage cheese, which I always liked. My wife, though, hates it because of the texture of cottage cheese. Personally, I love cottage cheese…just saying.
What's your take?
Mmmm. Sweetened whipped cream. I bet that's even better. Hey, remember chocolate Cool Whip? That stuff was awesome. I think they still make it . . .
Yes, Dave is at least part-sadist. It was so sad to have ended a perfectly delicious meal, only to realize: that was it. No dessert to look forward to. Yes, please send me the fruit cocktail cake recipe. If I pick out everything but the cherries, I'd probably love it!
Holy . . . what the . . . I don't even . . .
WAIT! I actually remember Ambrosia from when I lived in Ireland, but I do NOT remember going “Oooh aaar” or whatever it was. That guy (and thanks SO much for the thumbnail) is really strange looking. I don't think I'd buy pudding from him.
And this is so weird: Dave WILL eat donuts. But not cake donuts, so much. He prefers yeast donuts, which to me are even more air-like than cake. There's just no way to figure it all out. (What kind of donut was it?)
Oh, the cherries are an EXCELLENT idea, but I have to draw the line at the walnuts, I'm afraid. I can eat a nut when it's on its own, but mix it in with other food, and . . . no. Just doesn't work for me. But the cherries: YES! Thanks for the suggestion!
Thank you for the suggestion. I am definitely onboard with the chocolate syrup, but with the walnuts . . . not so much. Ooh, maybe crumbled-up graham crackers for a “s'mores” experience!
I know! It was TOTALLY dessert. Although, in my book, anything with fruit is automatically disqualified from being dessert. “Fruit” is its own category. But, yeah, this stuff was so sweet — we may as well just had cake and been done with it.
I think I get what Pricilla is talking about here. Fermented grain . . . mmmm. Next time, I promise: There will be apples. for everyone else; not for me. I hate to confess this to you, Pricilla, but I hate apples. But fermented apples . . . maybe.
Yes, that was actually the first video I looked at before selecting the other one for my “lyrics link” at the top of the post. I've heard of the Wiggles but this was my first experience actually watching them in action. I felt like I was having an acid flashback, which wasn't entirely unpleasant.
I love trifle and don't even mind if it's tinned (canned) fruit. Like you, Babs, I prefer the cream and custard too. Baby rusk biscuits, tho? You lost me. Margaret, maybe you should ask Babs about the squashed ant biscuits, or whatever it's called. The weirdness never ends.
CHOCOLATE trifle? I didn't even know it existed. I'm all over that. I also love pavlova, which usually involves fruit, unfortunately.
If I had known about the Wiggles before I got pregnant I am pretty sure I
wouldn't have any children. They make wonderful birth control.
junkdrawer: I don't even know how to explain it. I can see bland, dry frosting-less cake tasting sort of like air. But still. Yes, he needs to be researched, for more reasons than one.
Surfie: Your ideal world sounds like such a happy place! Can you imagine: opening your mouth and getting a big ol' piece of cake from just thin air? I want to live in that world.
Me too. As far as fruit consumption goes . . . there are vitamins for that. MORE CAKE!
Yes, I think we've all gotten that you likes your pie. I do too. But no fruit pie.
I remember being forced to eat fruit cocktail as a child, and my brother and I would fight over the two cherries. Compared to the rest of the horrifying fruit, the cherries were the best. And I agree: those grapes were all kinds of wrong.
That was me! If I'd had any of the “good” cereal marshmallows left, I would've TOTALLY added them to my marshmallow salad. But sadly, they are gone.
COOL WHIP WITH HOT FUDGE? Now you're talking. Wow, I didn't even think that was possible, but I AM DOING IT. Add that to cake, and I think I might explode.
Oh, that is the WORST! Who came up with that vile combination? CELERY? With fruit and walnuts and who knows what else? And doesn't it have a kind of sour cream-mayo dressing? Ugh. You're lucky you get to eat such delicacies as raw chicken livers, Daisy.
My family and I did discuss sneaking a cake into the basement and taking turns going downstairs to wolf down a piece. But we knew he'd find out somehow, and we'd get yelled out.
I just plain don't like fruit, but there are some fruits I hate more than others, and one of them is raisins. Maybe because I have been tricked so many times into thinking a cookie contained chocolate chips . . . only to find RAISINS. Your Trader Joe's (LOVE TJ'S!) snack sounds very healthful, but I'll take a bag of marshmallows any day.
I like cottage cheese too, but it must be the kind with chives, and I can only eat it with certain things (pot roast, meatloaf, or potato chips). With fruit salad? No. I also hate it when people substitute ricotta cheese with cottage cheese in, e.g., lasagna. It is NOT the same!
The fruit spoils it for me too, but Pavlova is my absolute favourite!
Duh, cruller, the airiest of them all.
We've both inspired each other today. I looooooove ambrosia! Must. Make.
I really think birthdays are the perfect excuse for cake so this distressed me. However, the Birthday Person reigns supreme, etc etc.
Cupcakes are acceptable, too. And sometimes we have Asian cakes (Japanese confections and Korean walnut cakes which are lovely). But it is still cake!
My brother and I always fought over the olives in my parent's martinis or the cherries in their Manhattans. At least we were getting fruits and veggies.
Marshmellows and cool whip sounds perfect to me. I do like fruit but not all mixed up with all that other stuff.
Cool Whip & marshmallows? That's what I'm talkin' about!
Yuuummmmmm! I LOVE that Ambrosia stuff–my mom makes it. Whoa! I think I make it too, sometimes. See, what I like about this is that IF you add fruit to this, that means it is H E A L T H Y and it is good for you. You don't even have to count the calories of the Cool Whip and the Marshmallows–it is all zeroed out by the fruit. That's better than cake, JD!
Don't forget those little onions! And the occasional orange slice, if Dad felt like putting on some Buffet and a Hawaiian shirt. And those AWESOME little swords perfect for poking an eye out…
Perhaps it's a Freudian thing and he murdered his last wife with a poison cake, or had a hitman hit her with a cake pan, or she swallowed one of those plastic figurines and could not be saved, thus his subconscious will not allow him to enjoy delicious, delicious cake.
My husband will eat cake, but prefers the Fudgy the Whale cake by Carvel. I am okay with this, except in a month he's turning….gasp! the big three-o, so I've got to step up my game this year and maybe buy some balloons and maybe even crepe paper, too, if I feel especially crazy.
The ambrosia reminds me of a dish my grandmother made at fancy dinner parties. It starts out with green jello, mixed with walnuts and celery, topped with MAYONNAISE. It took a few times (slow learner) before it stuck that it wasn't a delicious 'beginning of the meal' dessert, but rather a sad, sad joke on a kid who thinks she's about to dig into lime jello with whipping cream. I'd take fruit over surprise! it's MAYO! and celery! and walnuts! any day of the week.
Although, I like the idea of a beginning of the meal dessert…
I enjoy how he's a proper man wearing his best Sunday suit to ride a cow. That's the way it's done, lads!
Yum. Coolwhip and marshmallows. Isn't that the best part of fruit salad anyway? I probably eat more Cool Whip out of the container than I do on desserts, just like most of my cookie dough never makes it into the oven. Plus you can kid yourself into believing the Cool Whip is good for you because it's not ice cream.
Mmm. I do love a good cruller. But it must be frosted.
Promise you'll blog about it — with photos!
I know! What ISN'T cake? All the best desserts are made of cakes. I'd like to try those Asian cakes (unless they have walnuts in them). Thank you for understanding my distress.
I think the only way I CAN eat fruit is when it's been pulverized into a smoothie or converted to Pop Tart filling.
I know, right! You'd think each would cancel the other out, but in fact, the flavor complexity is out of this world.
Your argument seems logical. But what if you're only eating the fruit cocktail cherries? Can they really be all that healthy? Wait — don't tell me. I don't want to know.
Dave is such a mystery. It's entirely possible he was married before me and his first wife met with a horrible cake-related death. I guess I'll have to ask him.
That dish your grandmother made just sounds plain sadistic. I like green Jello, but only if it's stuffed with marshmallows. WALNUTS? What is it with these people and their walnuts? Walnuts ruin everything.
EXACTLY! Cool Whip is made of mostly air, so how can it even be fattening? And you know what else is mostly air? Yes, that's right: marshmallows. So I think I just invented the world's first delicious fat-free, healthy dessert. You're welcome.
Mmmm. Alcohol-ensoakened fruit and vegetables are the best kind.
The walnuts bugged you but the addition of mayonnaise to top the thing doesn't bug you? But I agree, I prefer my cookies, brownies, ice cream, so forth without nuts. [Insert joke about nutless, powerless husband here.]
I did some research on this dish and found out that this jello/mayonnaise abomination is from the same kitchen that brought us the loathed (Well, by you, Daisy, me, and anyone with taste buds, with apologies to Janiss) Waldorf Salad. I imagine overpaid French chefs roaring with laughter as they watched the robber barons choke down their latest culinary anathema, kissing each others' cheeks in celebration and waiting for it to catch on the bourgeoisies, again saying they love it–because hey, if the people at the Waldorf love it, you don't want to look uncultured…Thank you, JD, thank you for becoming the Norma Jean of our dessert cause!
MOLDED WALDORF SALAD
1 pkg. lemon or lime Jello
1-2 apples, chopped
1/4 c. chopped nuts
1 1/2 c. hot water
2 stalks celery, chopped
1/3 c. mayonnaise
Pour hot water over Jello and stir until completely dissolved. Pour 1/3 of this in mold and chill until completely set. Chill remaining Jello until it has the consistency of unbeaten egg whites. Stir in apple, celery, nuts and mayonnaise. Spoon into mold over set Jello and chill again until set.
The screen is just about percent lighter than the text. Help!
See.. I thought I typed 2 percent but it came out 0 percent. Gah! My eyes.
Rats. Are you using Safari? I hate telling people which browser to use, but I think my theme hates Safari, or vice versa. I'm going to shoot an e-mail to the guy who created my theme and see if there's a way around this. Thanks for letting me know!
Aw, HELL, no. I didn't mention the mayo the first time around because I had my head in the toilet. We've talked about this before, but I think I need to hire you as my personal research assistant.
I love Dave because he is an extension of you; however, declaring the house a no-cake zone just because it's his birthday is wrong. Flat out wrong.
Birthday does not equal dictatorship. Truly I am at a loss for words here.
Now onto the fruit. I'm not a fan of this particular concoction because it really is too sugary. I can't believe I just typed that. If you cut up strawberries and sprinkle sugar on top the strawberries will break down into a sugary sweet liquid. You could then fold in some Cool Whip.
Yeah, I've been watching Food Network and Ina Garten likes to fold in stuff. I like to stir the crap out of it. Potayto/potahto.
Anyway, that might be a way to have your fruit and his birthday too. But he really needs to allow cake for everyone else.
p.s. I like that font on top of the fruit salad photo. That's all.
I really love your blog and I really hate ambrosia salad, especially the ones with sour cream and coconut. Blah. And if you are going to eat a big bowl of cool whip and marshmallows, have the decency to add some chocolate to it, for goodness sake!
I'm glad to find find a fellow fruit-hater. I thought I was the only one. Maybe Dave follows my mother's advice regarding dessert which was, always make desserts that no one likes because then they last longer.
(The font is called “Chiller.”)
We all love Dave, so we indulge his sadistic whims. But yeah, the strawberries and sugar with Cool Whip sounds like a nicer alternative. But still with cake.
Aw. I like you AND your blog. I especially like your opinion of ambrosia. Whose idea was that, anyway?
I hear you! All of you! Next time: some form of chocolate will find its way into my bowl of otherwise white goo.
Really?! Another fruit hater? I thought I was the only one. Well, I can tell you that Dave's marshmallow-fruit salad lasted a long time. But my Cool Whip salad? Maybe about an hour.
I always eat Cool Whip right out of the container!
Me too! It is best with a rubber scrapper. I could eat a whole tub of…whatever that stuff is, but it ain't ever been near a cow or any other animal that produces milk. Yuuuuuuuuum.
It's like a stealth fruit thing–you would never know it had fruit cocktail in it. I think it all gets mixed in with the blender. All you taste is rich, dense, delicious cake.
thanks for sharing… i like this posting…
best regard from Indonesia
Have you ever tried Chocolate Cool Whip? It's like eating a very fake chocolate mousse.
They should really rename it “Kool Whip” to alert consumers to its fakery.
Mmm. Rich, dense, delicious cake. I'm all over that. Seriously, is there a recipe?
Can you read the comments now? I changed my background color, which I think (hope) was the issue. Please let me know.
Didn't Dave catch onto the Ambrosia Salad = dessert loophole? I mean, I never pictured he was a dim bulb or anything.
What? OMG.
How I have lived for this long without ever hearing about Chocolate Cool
Whip?
ahahahahahahahahahah
Looks like you've got some shopping to do.
Ah, see, that is the Mystery of Dave. If it has fruit in it, I guess he doesn't consider it an official dessert. And, frankly, neither do I.
Yes I certainly do!
Well, I think the Cool Whip and marshmallows sounds fabulous. Maybe if you just molded it to look like a cake slice…
Ah, yes! Next time I'll try to be a little more creative. Altho Dave might've thought a “cake slice” shape was cheating!