Don’t be jealous of my boogie

Really, tho, I love ALL drag queens. I would love to hang out with a drag queen. If you are a drag queen, please call me so we can be best friends and also so you can show me how to create a cleavage shadow.

Drag queen boyfriends are even BETTER than gay boyfriends (or “goys,” as Carissa Jaded calls them) because of the clothes, obviously. I need more feathers and glitter in my wardrobe. And my drag queen boyfriend could borrow my . . . OK, I guess I don’t have anything a drag queen would want, unless I shave off my hair and make a wig. Which I would totally do in the name of drag queen eleganza.

Yes, bitches, season 2 of RuPaul’s Drag Race has just ended, and with it, the hopes and dreams of another gorgeous Puerto Rican queen. Last year, I shed big girlie tears when my beloved Nina Flowers came in second; this year, spicy Jessica Wild was denied the crown.

Jessica’s tucking skills were beyond reproach, and her delightful take on the English language gave us some of the best moments on the show, including my favorite:

“If I’m going to win, I’m going to win with or without panties.”

Folks, meet my new motto. If these simple words can’t give me the courage to face another day, I don’t know what will.

JD, in her best quavering yet triumphant voice: I WILL be successful, with or without panties!

(But probably with, because GROSS!)

We were graced with another Jessica moment in the episode where the queentestants had to promote their pretend tell-all books. Jessica’s was titled Jessica Wild: Dreams of a Golden Child.

Except guest judge Jackie Collins thought she said, “Dreams of a Golden Shower.”

If you don’t know what a golden shower is, I beg you, do NOT Google it.

. . .

You Googled it, didn’t you?

Escándalo!

Anyway, Jessica helpfully provided the Spanish translation, which sounded like “doucha meow.”

When everyone said, “MEOW???” Jessica shyly explained, “The ‘meow’ is the pee.”

Aaaaand, there’s another motto.

Watch it here at 6:00.

If I can’t have a drag queen for a best friend, then I’ll have to settle for a drag queen husband. Wait, why doesn’t that sound right? It seemed like a good idea before I wrote it; now I’m not so sure. Regardless, it’s too late.

Because I already ran Dave’s photo through Logo’s “Dragulator.”

And before you get all indignant about poor old Dave being embarrassed yet again, I DO ask his permission before I post anything. Then, whether he says yes or no, I do it anyway, because life is not fair.

Puedo presentar:

Rowr.

In the words of Jessica Wild, “We are all specials.”

With or without panties.

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97 Comments


97 Responses to “I Love Puerto Rican Drag Queens”

  1. 1 babs (beetle)

    Some of these drag queens are very beautiful, as women ;)
    I must admit that it has never really fascinated me enough to watch them – well I have never seen them on TV or we may take the odd peek ;)

  2. 2 Stephanie B

    Ha! I like them so much I'm putting one in one of my novels in progress. We didn't know what to name him so I asked my daughter and she came up with the perfect name: Lucy (short for Lucifer) Lush!

    Turns out Lucy's one heck of a human being, too and saves the day in many ways. Gotta love 'im!

    (I didn't think ahead so he speaks English, but no one's perfect – with or without panties).

  3. 3 Anne

    Next time, can you write about this show when it starts, rather than when it ends? I love trashy reality and this sounds totally up my alley. I am so sad that I missed it again. I would totally make my husband a drag queen if it didn't require tracking down a photo of him.

  4. 4 Kelly

    Come visit me in Albany and I introduce you to all my drag queen friends! Make should you come visit when they're doing one of their shows. It will be a blast! :)

  5. 5 shieldmaiden96

    I used to volunteer at Action AIDS in Philadelphia and there was a queen there with the MOST PERFECT NAILS EVER. And they weren't fake. Her advice? “You gotta take care of them, girl. Don't open cans with them. Don't pick at them. Keep them out of your mouth. Don't clean without gloves.” Advice I follow to this day.

  6. 6 JD at I Do Things

    They are way more beautiful than I am, that's for sure. Well, except for Dave, maybe.

  7. 7 JD at I Do Things

    Oh, I love Lucy Lush! And it's OK if she speaks English. I would say, feel free to use one of my new mottoes, but you might have to check with Jessica first.

  8. 8 babs (beetle)

    Poor Dave ha ha ha! Take heart that he would NOT make a good drag queen!

  9. 9 JD at I Do Things

    Don't be sad! You can watch it online on logo.com. Go now! Both seasons are on the site, and they are fantasticals.

  10. 10 JD at I Do Things

    OHMYGOD! I would love that! I'm actually tentatively planning a trip out east. I haven't been to a good drag queen show since college. Send me a schedule of events!

  11. 11 JD at I Do Things

    We women can learn many a thing from our drag queen brethren. I personally could care less about my nails, but I would love to hear how they keep their lipstick on without seeming to ever reapply it.

  12. 12 JD at I Do Things

    When I showed him the photo, he said, “That's not me.” I think that's the only reason he allowed me to post it.

  13. 13 redheadranting

    I didn't watch this show because, well there didn't seem to be a reason to watch it. Now I want to watch it, HAVE to watch it. I would love to have a drag queen boyfriend because I really need some tips on how to glam it up and cleavage shadow sounds like a must have and less painful that tape.

    Dave would make a fabulous drag queen, is he wearing panties?

  14. 14 BarbWillThink4Wine

    Ha! Dave looked so good I had do Dragulate myself! Too funny!

  15. 15 LJ

    I really hate it when men can dress up as a woman and make a better woman than I do.

  16. 16 CarissaJaded

    BAHAHA ! YOU ARE GENIUS!! I don't want a new goy anymore.. I don't want to be a fag hag anymore… My new goal is drag-hag!!! I love it! How have I not seen this show!?

  17. 17 puglette

    muy bueno! ah…just what i needed, a new motto. i too think i shall proclaim to the world that i can win with our without panties!!

    i just told hubby that i need to write an adult blog. your posts make me think of so many fun times. living in the san francisco bay area in the 70's and 80's was a blast and i have so much to share!
    i will let you know! with or without panties, MEOW!!
    hugs,
    puglette
    :)

  18. 18 daisythecurlycat

    This explains everything. Harley has already been through the Dragulator.

  19. 19 JD at I Do Things

    Harley truly is a beautiful mancat. Much more elegant than many of these drag queens. Er . . . does he tuck?

  20. 20 JD at I Do Things

    YESSS! If we all say it, it will happen!

    And pleeeeeze write an adult blog. But only in addition to Puglette Ponders, because I need my Ollie fix. With or without panties. Sorry, Ollie.

  21. 21 JD at I Do Things

    Dang it! Why didn't I think of “drag hag”? You come up with all the best expressions. The show is online, at logo.com. Watch it now! With or without panties.

  22. 22 JD at I Do Things

    I know. It kind of makes me wonder if I've been hanging out at the right kind of bars.

  23. 23 JD at I Do Things

    Can we see your bad Dragulated self? Dave will be pleased that you think he looks good. When he gets over his initial displeasure over the photo, that is.

  24. 24 JD at I Do Things

    Yes, Dave IS wearing panties, because I'll tell ya: He HAS to tuck, if you know what I mean.

    You definitely have a reason to watch this show. Logo.com. Season 1 is must-see TV as well.

  25. 25 buggys

    I'm sure my daughter watches this show. The girl is addicted to trashy tv! On that note I am checking it out the moment I hit submit on theis comment. What is better than soem drama drag queens? Nothing I say!
    I WILL be putting my husband in the Dragulator…with panties.

  26. 26 puglette

    oh yes, puglette will still be active. where else can i share my fabulous puppies!?!
    ;)

  27. 27 Margaret (nannygoats)

    I have to figure out how to put a goat in the Dragulator. WITH panties, natch.

  28. 28 Margaret (nannygoats)

    oooh, are you gonna put the Dragulator output on YOUR blog too? :)

  29. 29 Margaret (nannygoats)

    I'm trying to imagine the tucking thing with Harley. How would he do that, exactly?

  30. 30 Margaret (nannygoats)

    FYI: It's actually logotv.com, as I just realized trying to track this show down.

  31. 31 Margaret (nannygoats)

    I wanna see Barb's Dragulation too!

  32. 32 Margaret (nannygoats)

    HAS to tuck? Wokka wokka wokka!

  33. 33 flit

    how nice of you to ask his permission :)

  34. 34 meleahrebeccah

    I am cracking up over the photo of Dan, and the fact that you 'ask his permission' and then you really just do whatever you want, thanks IN PART to your new motto: WITH OR WITHOUT Panties (But probably with, because GROSS!)!!!!

    Hilarious!

  35. 35 iannieam

    I used to work with a guy who was a drag queen by night. He was a bigger bitch than I was…lol
    Dave should be grateful that you at least ask him before you post, I never tell my husband until after the fact

  36. 36 junkdrawer

    Ay, locusts!

  37. 37 junkdrawer

    Harley wouldn't tuck. He doesn't want to hide his manliness. I'm sure of it.

  38. 38 redheadranting

    Huh?

  39. 39 junkdrawer

    In-joke. Sorry.

  40. 40 redheadranting

    I didn't even think of tucking. Sorry, Dave. I'm sure he has a lot of tucking to do. So much that he has to wear boxers.

  41. 41 Tracy O'Connor

    This is where I once again mourn that I didn't get the phone when I met the guy who is going to be on the next season.

    Finally Memphis will be known for our drag queens!

  42. 42 Tracy O'Connor

    I'm wondering if I could put myself through the dragulator and get make up tips!

  43. 43 absepa

    I met a drag queen at a gay party once. She was so fabulous (and it wasn't even a show!), I had no idea she was in drag until my friend told me. He then advised me to check out her knuckles. You can do a lot with makeup, great clothes, a good tuck, but there was no way to disguise the knuckles. They were manly. (In case this log-in thingy doesn't work, this is absepa. I've never seen the RuPaul show, but I am fascinated by drag queens, too.)

  44. 44 RonnieC

    Bwhahahahahahhahahahahaha!
    Bwhahahahahahhahahahaahha!

    OMG….I LOVE YOU GIRL!!!!!!!

    This post CRACKED ME THE HELL UP!

    “Except guest judge Jackie Collins thought she said, “Dreams of a Golden Shower.”

    Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!

    Listen, if I were a drag queen you would definately be hanging out with me! And NO panties please!!!

    I have yet to see this show, but people I work with have and said it's faaaaaabulous. Of course, anything that Ru Paul is associated with MUST be fabulous!

    LOVE the photo of Dave in drag! Just as soon as I finish here, I'm headed over to do the same!

    Hysterical post!

  45. 45 Surfie

    I think this might be the only reality show I'd ever be able to watch. I'm going to have to run my own photo through that Dragulator. Should I feel bad if I look better as a Drag Queen than I do as a regular woman?

  46. 46 JD at I Do Things

    Yes, definitely WITH panties. No one needs to see a pantieless goat, even if it is in drag.

  47. 47 JD at I Do Things

    There's a photo of me somewhere on my blog that I seriously ran through a makeover site just to get some nice foundation on my shiny skin. And I pretended that that is just how I look.

  48. 48 JD at I Do Things

    OH, thank you. Yes, logotv.com. I hope everyone else (the thousands who will no doubt be tuning in after reading this post) will be able to find it now.

  49. 49 JD at I Do Things

    No, please do not feel bad. It's common knowledge that drag queens are better at being women than women. Embrace your Dragulator self! (And show us the photo!)

  50. 50 JD at I Do Things

    Wait, which of us would not be wearing panties? Both? Just you? I need to know. And YOU need to know that several of us blogger girls were fighting over you to be their gay boyfriend. So, drag or no, you're just going to have to share your fabulousness.

    PLEASE also share your Dragulated photo!

  51. 51 JD at I Do Things

    Interesting about the knuckles. I always thought you checked for an Adam's apple. Or bad tuck job. I hung out with some awesome drag queens in college. I wonder if I can find them on Facebook . . . ?

  52. 52 JD at I Do Things

    Girl, why you mourning? You got to MEET a contestant! Please say you'll watch next season and point out the guy you met.

    Memphis and Walgreens: The new drag queen hangouts!

  53. 53 JD at I Do Things

    Hee! Jen, Kathy accidentally wrote “ay, local” on a Facebook update, and someone saw fit to correct her. This led to a hilarious exchange on the variations of “ay, loca.”

  54. 54 JD at I Do Things

    I have to confess: Dave wasn't really awake when I dragged my laptop into the bedroom and demanded: “Can I post this?” But like I said, life is not fair.

  55. 55 JD at I Do Things

    And it's not just my new motto: it belongs to all of us! It's what Jessica Wild would have wanted.

  56. 56 JD at I Do Things

    Yes, I'm sure he appreciated it, especially since he wasn't even awake and didn't even know what the hell I was showing him!

  57. 57 JD at I Do Things

    “Trashy”? NEVER! OK, it's totally trashy. But so much fun. Please do check it out (I gave the wrong link above — it's actually logotv.com). And let us see the photo of your Dragulated husband. It's only fair.

  58. 58 JD at I Do Things

    This discussion of Harley's manliness is making me slightly uncomfortable.

  59. 59 JD at I Do Things

    Oh, phew! And I don't mean to always single out Ollie. ALL of your sweet puppies are indeed fabulous.

  60. 60 JD at I Do Things

    Yes, ladies, I did say “HAS to tuck.” Wink, wink. (Poor Dave.)

  61. 61 Christopher Stewart

    Who could resist the beauty of Puerto Rican women? Hopefully, it would be with out panties on so that there's added attraction.

  62. 62 RonnieC

    Just YOU, because if I were a drag queen I'd be wearing electrical tape to tuck my “goods”!

    HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    ” So, drag or no, you're just going to have to share your fabulousness.”

    awwww….aren't you gals sweet!

    Listen, I tried to do the “dragulator” last night, but I couldn't get it to download my photo. I'll try again later this evening when I get home from work.

    X

  63. 63 JD at I Do Things

    I, for one, cannot resist the beautiful Puerto Rican woman. With or without panties.

  64. 64 JD at I Do Things

    OK, well, please let us know when you have been Dragulated. I bet you will be even MORE fierce than Dave himself!

  65. 65 lauresal

    LOL! I've got to watch the next season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I've seen clips of it on “The Soup.” You can't go wrong with a line like, “If I’m going to win, I’m going to win with or without panties.” OMG. Hilarious.

    Many years ago, I went to school in Tampa, FL, which was a large drag queen hub. Students at the University of Tampa would often head over to Denny's for what we called, “The Show” after midnight, if memory serves me correct. I was often, shall I say, out of sorts back then. You see, the drag queens hung out at Denny's after midnight when they would strut around the uh, er, restaurant in full regalia entertaining the local “out of sorts” crowd.

    Tampa was a weird place back then. I also once saw a house being moved down the main avenue in the middle of the night. At least, I think I did.

  66. 66 meleahrebeccah

    Alrighty than! I will use that motto too!

  67. 67 puglette
  68. 68 Patricia Fgogawaslkdfjha

    I think we've honed in on your epitaph: I Did Things: With or Without Panties. Which makes me think (because this is the way my brain works) if people are buried with underpants. Remind me to outline my final wishes for underthings in my church's 'funeral wishes' sheet. Hymns? Check. Bible readings? Check. Panties? Check, Mamacita! It better not be a thong, though, this is a situation that calls for granny panties, if I'm put in one I will haunt that person to the ends of the earth. Not that I don't mind the occasional thong, but it'd be like wearing one on a long flight.
    As far as *ahem* showers of gold, forget google and go straight to urbandictionary.com. I've learned more than I ever wanted to know through urban dictionary. I took the liberty of looking up 'JD' for you:

    1. somebody who trips or hallucinates frequently.
    person 1: dude how long has eric been starin at that lightbulb?
    person 2: about an hour..
    person 1: he is such a JD!

    2. essentially to steal something and run without being caught.
    2) to jack and dash (steal and run)
    yo man im so hungry. lets jd some food.

    There are other…meanings…that you'll have to discover on your own, particularly the one about the dolphin.

  69. 69 meleahrebeccah

    OMG. I want RON as MY gay boyfriend too and I am totally willing to arm wrestle for him! Or whatever it takes!

  70. 70 mrsblogalot

    HAA!!! Now there's a motto I can live with…but could anyone else? (-:

  71. 71 JD at I Do Things

    Tampa sounds a lot like my college town, which makes me wonder . . .

    You can watch seasons 1 and 2 of Drag Race online at logotv.com. What are you waiting for? Bring your laptop to Denny's if you must, but WATCH!

  72. 72 JD at I Do Things

    Really? Someone came up with the term “j____ng dolphin”? What the . . . ? I'm ashamed to be associated with such grossitude. Which reminds me: Do you think it's cool for me to submit my own entry for “JD” to Urban Dictionary? Or would you do it so I don't have to? I love my new epitaph, and will feel really good about being dead now that that's all settled. But yeah: MUST be wearing giant, comfy underpants when I pass over the neverending rainbow world. And now I'm wondering about cremation. Do you think they cremate you NUDE? This changes everything.

  73. 73 JD at I Do Things

    They'll have to learn to live with it. That's my attitude. Take me the way I am: WITH OR WITHOUT PANTIES!

  74. 74 JD at I Do Things

    It's ON! A fight to the finish for exclusive gay boyfriend rights. Ron, you'd better be flattered!

  75. 75 Lola

    What about Raven's comment “If I'm not showing it…I'm not shaving it”? I think that's definitely a motto to live by. lol!

  76. 76 Jayne

    Oh, thank you. Another thing I can check off my list that now I don't have to do. Feathers make me sneeze and I'm always jealous of those who can walk in high heels better than I can.

  77. 77 meleahrebeccah

    MINE!

  78. 78 Patricia

    The only scenerio I can imagine in regards to the dolphins is if one's a dolphin breeder at Sea World. Baby dolphins just don't make themselves…wait, they do, but in the wild, nevermind.
    I think you deserve to be added to the JD portion of the dictionary fo sho! Maybe all the posters could suggest a definition-or a contest! Everyone loves a contest!
    I don't know if you checked out the 'Dave' entries, but they get pretty interesting as well.
    I checked with the Internet Cremation Society (yes, there's a ICS) and yes, people are cremated in their clothes, if they wish. It just has to be something you'd be caught dead in! (ZING!) So, a person can be cremated with or without panties.
    Now, the real question is, do you think the queens are buried in drag or in 'regular' clothes? And, should he/she chose cremation, how high a temperature is required to remove their make-up and body glitter…?

  79. 79 Jay

    OOooh, I haven't seen that show, and I'm not sure it's on over here, so now I'm jealous! *Pout*

    I'm afraid I did already know what 'golden shower' meant. That bit of information managed to worm itself into my consciousness decades ago and I've been trying (unsuccessfully) to forget it ever since.

  80. 80 JD at I Do Things

    Excellent idea! And the creator of the winning entry gets a free copy of Urban Dictionary! Seriously, I'm on it, if for no other reason than more people need to be aware of this whole dolphin thing. While you were on the phone with the ICS (impressive!) you should've asked about drag queens. I bet they are buried in drag tho. That body makeup is no doubt highly flammable. Who knows? Maybe that's what cremators (?) use on non-drag bodies to help them burn?

  81. 81 JD at I Do Things

    I could get into every aspect of drag except the heels. Well, and the tucking, but that's not so much a “won't” as a “can't.”

  82. 82 JD at I Do Things

    Lola, I LOVE you! That line cracked me up, and I was so tempted to put it in the post, but I was kind of making it all about Jessica Wild. But that was so funny. And highly relatable. Thanks for mentioning it.

  83. 83 JD at I Do Things

    Maybe we should let Ron pick . . . ?

  84. 84 Patricia

    As my grandmother used to say: A day where you learn something is a day worthwhile.
    I don't think she was referring to j_____ dolphins or that 'Dave' is a way of greeting Thai transsexuals thus informing unsuspecting mates to the said Daves gender. Alas, another day made worthwhile, Grams.

  85. 85 meleahrebeccah

    Yeah maybe – as long as I win!!

  86. 86 JD at I Do Things

    Well, that throws new light on the shady look my brother's Thai girlfriend gives Dave whenever she greets him. Hmmm.

  87. 87 Jackie

    I was unable to stop myself from making myself a drag queen, as well. Probably the best 10 minutes of my day.

  88. 88 JD at I Do Things

    And where can we see this no doubt stunning creation?

  89. 89 ladyV

    OMG, i couldn't figure out how to comment. yeah i'm dumb. at work, this box doesn't even come up at all and all of the comments are on top of one another, yeah like people. now i don't even remember what my comment was. i guess If I’m going to comment, I’m going to comment with or without panties.

  90. 90 JD at I Do Things

    Well, which was it? With or without? I wonder why the comments are messed up for you? Change sucks.

  91. 91 JD at I Do Things

    OH, OK! Saw both versions. Fabulous.

  92. 92 ladyV

    Hey I like the reply feature. Um I had on panties yesterday. Up until a point anyway. Have a nice day. You do know who this is. Don't say my name I'm in the witness protection program, Jack!

    V
    Sent from my iPod Touch

  93. 93 JD at I Do Things

    Oh, I know who you are, Ms. V. But you seem to be the one who is confused. Who is this Jack of whom you speak?

  94. 94 Jenn of Many Cabbages

    Okay, after this Dave totally earned not having to have dessert if he didn't want it on his birthday.

    It also kinda feels like it ties in with that fluffy, candy-like ambrosia salad. Though I guess the salad should have been pink.

  95. 95 JD at I Do Things

    Yeah, you kind of have a point. And it IS rather suspicious, isn't it, that he chose such a girlie, fluffy dessert. Hmmm.

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