I just saw The Dark Knight. It was freaking great and chock-full of nice-lookin’ fellers. The Joker was sexy in a scary, serial-killer way, Bruce Wayne was devilishly handsome, Harry Dent was mostly rather nice to look at, but there was one character who really made my eyelashes flutter:
Yowza! Commissioner Gordon—Scrubbing Bubbles mustache and all. What do you think?
Never mind. What I really want to talk about are the awesome previews shown before Dark Knight. The word “previews” doesn’t even need “awesome” in front of it, because previews are by definition awesome. If I’m late and miss even part of a preview? I will turn around and walk out, because the experience has been ruined.
I figured The Dark Knight would have good previews, and I was right:
Quantum of Solace. So there’s this thing now where Keira Knightley is in every movie, and for a second, I thought I saw her in the preview. But no. Phew. Anyway, this looks bad-ass. James Bond is mad because his girlfriend from the last movie killed herself. He’s in vengeful mode and carries a big gun. Sadly, there does not appear to be a teeny swimsuit scene. This has a Jason Bourne vibe, which isn’t a bad thing at all. Judi Dench even says, “Find Bond.” Didn’t someone say, “Find Bourne”? ALSO! James Bond/Jason Bourne = same initials! Creepy. More importantly, do you think Daniel Craig is hot or not? I can’t decide. He’s got one of those faces that, if you look at him one way, he’s hot. But then you look again, and . . . not. But he is sexy. Doesn’t it suck that men can be ugly and still be sexy but women have to be pretty, skinny, AND have big boobs?
The Watchmen. I’m not really into the whole comic book . . . sorry, GRAPHIC NOVEL thing, but this looks good. Really good. Strange and good, with weird-looking creatures like a see-through naked man and someone with a black-and-white stocking over his face. COOL! Instead of the poundingly insistent music that usually accompanies previews, we get a creepy song by the Smashing Pumpkins. I know, I don’t like them either, but this song is rather awesome. Better still, the movie is by the “visionary director of 300,” that glorious epic that gave us Gerard Butler in leather underpants . . .
. . .
Where was I? Oh, yeah. The Watchmen looks great, even though there are no leather underpants in the preview.
Watch the trailer (again, no leather underpants)
The Day the Earth Stood Still. Ooh! Keanu Reeves is Klaatu (spoiler)! It’s the role he was born to play. This is a remake of the classic 1951 film starring Michael Rennie and Frances “Aunt Bee” Bavier as Mrs. Barley. Let’s see, who plays Mrs. Barley in the remake . . . dang, there is no “Mrs. Barley” listed among the cast. There’s a “Laptop Woman,” tho, so maybe that’s the updated Aunt Bee character. “December 12 . . . IS . . . The Day the Earth Stood Still.” That’s a little grammatically shady but effective nonetheless.
Before you watch the trailer(s), vote for your favorite Klaatu!
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Terminator Salvation. What? Haven’t we done this already? BO-RING! Oh, Christian Bale is in it. All right, then, carry on. This preview doesn’t tell us much, except that the future is probably pretty bleak and people blow stuff up and Christian Bale is HOT even tho we only see his name. We also learn that THE END. BEGINS. Whoever is writing these taglines needs to pick up a copy of Strunk and White.
Body of Lies. You know, Russell Crowe does fat just a little too convincingly. Remember thin, good-looking Russell Crowe? I guess he’s proof that men can’t be fat and still be sexy. This also stars Leonardo DiCaprio, who is trying desperately to prove he’s a man and not a pretty little girl by growing some facial hair. Meh.
Watch the trailer or not.
Wow! I thought this post was going to be all about movie previews, but it really seemed to be more about hot guys. Funny how that worked out.
May your summer preview-viewing bring you nothing but hot guys, leather underpants, scary music, and NO Keira Knightley!
Coming this weekend!
- I Get a Colonoscopy so you don’t have to (possibly with exciting video!)
And, later this month!
- I Go to Toronto so you don’t have to
- I Make an Ill-Advised Purchase so you don’t have to
- I . . . something about Zombies so you don’t have
Preview some funny stuff at humor-blogs.