Who are you to judge me?


I know I said recently that I’m not the type to judge, but I NEVER said I was not the type to LIE, so that stuff about not judging was a big lie. Sorr-ee.

You’d better believe I judge. And most of my judgments end in a dramatic thumbs-down.

But not THIS time!

Because I have been selected to judge some really fun and cool and SCARY stuff. Just wait till I tell you!

I Hate My Message Board’s First Annual Scary Product Contest

My good friend Tracy, over at IHMMB, has decided to throw a contest for the scariest, weirdest, freakishest, and/or creepiest product you—yes, YOU!—can find, photograph, and submit.

You need to check out Tracy’s post for all the deets, but lemme say just this. The prizes are beyond awesome. First prize? An IHMMB T-shirt AND the much-coveted Cheeseburger in a Can mounted in a Lucite box WITH the winner’s name engraved on a (faux) brass plate.

Whew. It doesn’t get much more exciting than that.

And, yes! I’m one of the judges, along with:

You’ve got until October 29, 2009, to submit your original photo of a freaky, scary, weird product.

Or, you can just sit back on your lazy ass and let the placenta shampoo win. It’s up to you.

The Funny Not Slutty Blog Book!

Are you funny? Great! Are you slutty? Then you are disqualified! I’m kidding. I think you can be funny and maybe a little slutty. The important thing here is funny.

Jacki, at Funny Not Slutty, is compiling the first-ever Funny Not Slutty Blog Book: a downloadable e-book featuring the BEST of the BEST blog posts featured on the FnS site.

If you’re a member of FnS (and if you’re not, join today!), then all you gotta do is submit the link to your favorite post (limit 2 posts) included on FnS. Act fast, because only 250 posts will be considered, from which between 16-32 will be chosen for this one-of-a-kind collection. Submissions will be accepted ONLY until November 15. You do NOT want to be left out of this book! Check out the rules on the submission thread here.

Joining me in the judging of the funny are:

I  hope you’ll check out both of these sites TODAY, because I’m sure, unlike me, you’ve got nothing better to do. Me? I have to catch up on my reality TV.

And now! Lest you think I’m going to deprive YOU of the fun of judging ME, here are some recent additions to my Netflix queue.

Judge away!


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38 Responses to “I Judge Things”

  1. 1 Stephanie Barr

    I should never have judged you like that. :)

    Actually, I think they did a fine job choosing judges. For me, I’ve been busy putting another layer of “polish” on my second novel and getting all excited about the four novels I’m working on at the same time. I just love new characters.

    Looking at your list of movies, I’m wondering if you confused your queue with my daughters. And I’m feeling better about my own queue. Enjoy your reality TV.

  2. 2 Your Daily Cute

    Oooh… a scary product contest. I love ridiculous ideas like this. On my way over to check out any entries so far right now… Fun!

  3. 3 Regan

    Those Netflix movies look pretty creepy. My Netflix queue is much different. I should probably start adding some scary movies to watch on Halloween. :)

    My Netflix queue is pretty much How I Met Your Mother Season 2 Disc 3 (even though we own the second season, my dad took it with him to China), then the first and second seasons of Pushing Daisies. And then some other random movies I don’t remember.

  4. 4 Grace

    I can’t “write” funny – I love people who can. Sarcasm, accents and physical punctuation don’t translate well into words upon the page. Utmost admiration for people, and thanks for laughs, to all who can.
    .-= Grace´s last blog ..Sunday Serenade – dedicated to my husband =-.

  5. 5 Spot

    Wow. You do realize it’s sunday and you just gave us like this whole list of assignments? What kind of crazy sadist are you JD?! So first I’m going to have to plan how to get all this done and then I’m going to have to procrastinate until the very last minute. Yes, I am planning to procrastinate. Very forward thinking of me, huh?

    Love your Netflix queue! I have not seen one of those movies and I thought I had seen all of the grade B supposed to be horror movies ever made. I’m falling behind. Geez.

    Now I’m going to go watch Black Water Valley Exorcism that I rented from Blockbuster. =]

    .-= Spot´s last blog ..Damn that Spidey Sense! =-.

  6. 6 CatLadyLarew

    This could make shopping SO much more entertaining!

    What I want to know is, where is Judge Judy’s blog? Is she not funny? Is she not judgmental?
    .-= CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..Out to Lunch…. =-.

  7. 7 Lidian

    Would a retro scary product be OK? Because I come across some pretty horrifying products from the past, as you know!

    And I guess I should post some stuff up at FNS…Thank you so much for the heads-up (perhaps they ought to be shrunken-heads-up, just to be festive and Halloweeny)
    .-= Lidian´s last blog ..Ode On A Can Of Old Dutch Cleanser =-.

  8. 8 Pricilla

    Hmmm, I only have cute things in my soap shop like guinea pig soaps. I doubt they live up to your contest and in thinking about it I am sure I don’t want to win….

    And since I am awaiting my date with Luke the goat I am feeling quite a bit slutty these days. …
    .-= Pricilla´s last blog ..Emily Dances =-.

  9. 9 Puglette

    i will try to look for frightening items but we are down to one computer and hubby will be taking mine away soon. i am a bit concerned about the recent additions to your netflix queue. i do appreciate a good crappy movie, but these may be out of my league.

    stop by the old bloggy tomorrow…ollie has some new photos.

    yes, tomorrow…remember, hubby gets my computer for pretty much the rest of the day
    .-= Puglette´s last blog ..Hello from Puglette and Family! =-.

  10. 10 Tracy

    OH wow, you’ve got your hands in all sorts of judging jars these days.

    Want to enter a post to the funny book, scared that they um, won’t laugh at me.
    .-= Tracy´s last blog ..Why I Shouldn’t be the Good Mood Blogger =-.

  11. 11 Ann's Rants

    A) I used to sell Judge Judy. I mean, not exactly her Pimp but I sold advertising for her show. More funny, Less Pimpy.

    B) Great idea to shout out the book. I will do so later in the week.

    C) Cheeseburger in a can in a box make me very very nauseous. But I hear it’s good hangover food.

    .-= Ann’s Rants´s last blog ..Demotions =-.

  12. 12 JD

    Stephanie Barr: Sounds like your daughter and I would get along great. Ask her if she’s ever seen Cannibal Holocaust. It’s awesome!

    Your Daily Cute: Yay! I may submit something myself, just for fun, tho I’m not eligible to win. I hope she gets a lot of entries.

    Regan: Thanks for reminding me to put both of those shows in my queue. I’ve got “True Blood” coming up, as well as “24.” I also have lots of “normal” movies.

    Grace: I’m definitely more funny “on paper.” You should do a video blog. Then you can employ all your sarcasm, vocal inflection, and other stuff.

    Spot: Oh, man, Jeffrey Combs is in “Black Water Valley Exorcism”! I’m adding it to my queue! As for your assignments, you have almost a month to complete both, so relax. That doesn’t mean I’m not a crazy sadist. The most effective procrastination requires lots of planning.

    CatLadyLarew: I’m afraid I don’t know much about Judge Judy. I just grabbed her photo off of Wikimedia. She certainly looks judgmental Are you going to enter the contest? I bet you can find something creepily fun.

    Lidian: Oh, definitely retro scary! I LOVE that idea. Yeah, you could probably close your eyes, point to any of your blog posts, and BLAM! you’d have a perfect entry for this contest. YES! Get those posts up on FnS. More people need to read your hilarious stuff.

    Pricilla: “Slutty”? Then you’d best stay away from the FnS book submissions. But at least you have your date to look forward to. And, no, your adorable soaps are in no way creepy, wacky, or scary. They are beautiful.

    Puglette: Oh, YAY! I can’t wait for new Ollie photos! Try to explain to your husband that this contest is very important and you HAVE to win the Cheeseburger in a Can. I’m sure he’ll understand.

    Tracy: They’ll laugh! I promise! Go ahead. Remember . . . you know one of the judges!

    Ann’s Rants: I’m sad I won’t be able to win the Cheeseburger in a Can. But I’m looking forward to being part of the process that WILL award that awesome prize to some lucky person.

  13. 13 dcr

    My first thought was that I’d like for you to get a Cheeseburger in a Can so that you can eat a cheeseburger in a can so I don’t have to.

    But, after checking out the site, I have decided you absolutely must get some canned pupa so you can eat canned pupa in a, um, can so I don’t have to.
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Orangeday! =-.

  14. 14 Kathy

    I so want a Cheeseburger in a Can, but I don’t think I have a chance. I scoured a local grocery store this weekend looking for some sort of animal parts in a jar, but all I could come up with was pigs feet. Not creepy enough! I have to keep looking.

    So tell us, when did this love of bad horror movies start? Inquiring minds want to know.

  15. 15 kathryn

    It’s 6:30 in the morning. You’re lucky I can can even read this print this early. Where are my “afternoon eyes”? This will never do.

    It’s too haaaaaard.

    You want me to click on other buttonsssssss.

    I have to thiiiiiiink.

    It’s not faiiiiiiir.

    What about the movie “I spit in your corpse in your grave?” Was that not available?
    .-= kathryn´s last blog ..Rotate What? =-.

  16. 16 Bingo

    I think the scary product content is a fantastic idea, I love that kind of contests. I was checking the rules out in ihatemymessageboard.com and I can participe so I might do it.
    .-= Bingo´s last blog ..Superstitions – Chapter 2 – The Mirror =-.

  17. 17 Heather Kephart

    I am a member of the Funny Not Slutty blog network! I was thinking about giving it a go and submitting a post, but then I haven’t crafted any posts on their network.

    Entrails of a virgin? lol
    .-= Heather Kephart´s last blog ..Wordle Up! =-.

  18. 18 Vege

    It’s a good idea to have a scary product contest. Specially nowadays people were doing the most weirdest things they can think of. lol. I’ll try to check and see if i can send a freaky photo. I love cheesburger in a can!

  19. 19 natural

    scariest, weirdest, freakishest, and/or creepiest product

    hmm, i have something in mind. it’s hair coloring. for your hair. cough. cough. wink. wink. you know.

    WTH. who does that.

    you submit it for me. i’m scared.
    .-= natural´s last blog ..The Psychology of Hair =-.

  20. 20 Unfinished Rambler

    I hope you’re joking that you have those in your Netflix queue. THAT is scary, if true.

    I’ve actually heard of a couple of those bloggers with whom you are judges: Ann and Margaret specifically. That is ultra-cool. Enjoy!
    .-= Unfinished Rambler´s last blog ..Got your Race Face on? =-.

  21. 21 JD

    dcr: Boy, I don’t know about that pupa. Maybe if it came frozen. But in a can? I just don’t know.

    Kathy: Kathy, if ANYone can find something weird or gross out there, it’s you. Keep looking. I have faith in you. It doesn’t have to be food, remember. Love of horror movies goes back as far as I can remember. I recall terrifying myself by watching Night of the Living Dead alone in my bedroom when I was pretty young. Since then, bring on the gore!

    kathryn: I’m sorry this was such a hard post. Perhaps later when you’re more awake, you can go clickety-clickety. It’s for a good cause. cocks head and smiles knowingly. Oh, man, I WISH there was a movie with that title. Can you imagine? Sadly, I can.

    Bingo: YES! Please do participate. The more entries, the better. And there are runner-up prizes as well, so if you don’t get the coveted Cheeseburger in a Can, you might still get a cool prize.

    Heather Kephart: Well, now’s the time to submit a post! Do it! You DO want to be in the book, don’t you? Well, of course you do. You’re not making fun of Entrails of a Virgin, are you? The production values were phenomenal.

    Vege: If you love Cheeseburger in a Can, this contest is for YOU.

    natural: All this coughing and winking has me confused. And I can’t submit it—I’m a judge. Is this product you have in mind the freakishest? Because if it is, you better submit it.

    Unfinished Rambler: The contest will be WAY more fun if you participate. Especially since you know Ann and Margaret. Will it make a difference if I tell you those movies are most definitely in my queue? Plus others with titles too embarrassing to share?

  22. 22 Daniela

    I wanna be judged!!

    Also…those movies are ridiculous…awesome. I feel like a lot of horror movies are a gateway to porn. “She takes control of her captors and sexy, bloody scares ensue” what??? thats what I got from I spit on your grave…
    .-= Daniela´s last blog ..A Fairy Riding A Couple of Bumbles =-.

  23. 23 absepa

    I can’t wait to see all of the freaky products people come up with. Is it wrong to be excited about something like that?
    .-= absepa´s last blog ..So what is Eeyore, a werewolf? =-.

  24. 24 Anne

    I have to admit, I would rather judge than be judged. Maybe next time you can be judged so I don’t have to. The contest certainly sounds like fun. I don’t think I will submit anything, but it will be fun to watch.

  25. 25 Puglette

    ollie pics are up!
    .-= Puglette´s last blog ..Agility Fun =-.

  26. 26 dcr

    You could always freeze them. Maybe rent a freeze-drier, and freeze-dry those puppies, er, pupaes. Then, coat them in chocolate. Maybe dark chocolate? What sort of chocolate do you think goes with pupae? Maybe chocolate mixed with a dash of cayenne pepper. There we go. Freeze-dry the pupae, dash some cayenne pepper on them, cover them with chocolate and chow down!

    If you don’t want the expense of renting a freeze-dryer, maybe you could just cook them up. Maybe dry roast them. Then sprinkle on the cayenne pepper, cover in chocolate and enjoy.

    I wonder if there’s a box of mixed chocolates that has nothing but chocolate covered insects? There’d be a surprise in every box, I bet! No one will be complaining about getting coconut or that one kind of fudge that no one likes but there’s always two of except you think there’s only one, so when someone else got it, you thought you were safe until you wound up with one stuck in your teeth too, and you worried you might just pull out a tooth chewing on that thing, but you didn’t have any other choice but to chew it, so you just had to kind of hope for the best and maybe take a drink of something to water it down, but make sure it was a dark drink, otherwise you want to be extra careful not to get any backwash, because that would be disgusting to see chocolate fudge colored saliva floating around in your 7-Up, so then you finally chewed it all up and went for another candy to get that taste out of your mouth.

    And then you wound up with the coconut.

    It’d be like that, except you’d end up with grasshopper stuck in your teeth and instead of coconut, you’d get the pupa.

    Gosh. Won’t those be some fine memories? You really want to miss out on that? And, can you really allow yourself to miss out blogging about such an experience?

    I’m thinking maybe not.
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Silly Rabbit, Tricks are for Spammers =-.

  27. 27 Maureen

    So is this love for the horror Halloweeny-related, or a full-time obsession?

    I have to limit my viewing of blood and gore to October only… I am such a wuss.
    .-= Maureen´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Monstrous Owie =-.

  28. 28 JD

    Daniela: Yeah, you’re right. Gore and porn kind of go hand-in-hand. Perhaps I’ve just invented a new genre: “Gorn.” I’ll give you half-credit, tho.

    absepa: No, it’s NOT wrong, it’s very, very right. I hope there are a lot of submissions, ‘cuz I want to see some FREAKISHNESS!

    Anne: With a prize like Cheeseburger in a Can, I don’t see how this contest can NOT be fun. And, you never know. You may see something creepy out there that would be perfect. Carry your camera with you everywhere. Freakish people count too! (maybe)

    Puglette: Thanks for the reminder! I had seen the post but didn’t comment at the time (I like to eat and read at the desktop computer, but I never comment on that one because I’m not signed in). ANYway, EVERYONE! Go see Puglette’s photos. They are BEYOND adorable.

    dcr: Man, you are WASTING some good stuff here in this comment. Get this on your blog!! I’m dying here. Sounds like you’ve had more than one traumatic run-in with a box of chocolates. Also, I think you may have a cayenne pepper fixation. What sort of chocolate do I think goes with pupae? NONE! None chocolate! It’s an abomination! And I do believe there are chocolate-covered insects out there, but why don’t you blog about that so I don’t have to?

    Maureen: Full-time obsession, I’m afraid. You’re not a wuss if you at least watch it in October. Why not slip out of your comfort zone and sample a little Blood Car? You might find you like it!

  29. 29 Chris@TheSnackHound

    Thank you so much for clearing that up. I always confused I Spit on Your Corpse with I Spit on Your Grave. My life has now somehow taken on a different direction now that I have been corrected.

    What…No “Santa Clause Conquers The Martians” on that list?
    .-= Chris@TheSnackHound´s last blog ..The Pathogens Are Haunting My Mother =-.

  30. 30 Crohns

    Wow, those are some fabulous prizes indeed. And I dare not click on the “I Spit On Your Corpse” link to Netflix as I’m at the office… is it some kind of prequel to “…Grave” or is it totally unrelated?
    .-= Crohns´s last blog ..Celebrities With Crohns =-.

  31. 31 Jannie Funster

    Good Lord, those are REAL movie names?? REAL movies?? I have not heard of a single one of those but something about Empire Of Ants jumps out as being wonderfully creep-tastic. So that’s my pick on name alone.

    Netflix does not love me anymore. :(

    But Blockbuster does!! :)
    .-= Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Rose DesRochers: Just how Great IS She? =-.

  32. 32 dcr

    Well, October 14th was National Chocolate-Covered Insect Day. Maybe next year. ;)
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Silly Spammers Redux =-.

  33. 33 JD

    Chris@TheSnackHound: Phew. What a relief. Because there’s a HUGE difference between the two. It’s like comparing Apocalypse Now with Police Academy.

    Crohns: I think it’s unrelated. Perhaps they used the title to cash in on the popularity (?) of I Spit on Your Grave. Or . . . perhaps not.

    Jannie Funster: What happened to you and Netflix? Or is it too painful? I hope you enjoy Empire of the Ants. I think that might actually be free online on Hulu. If it is, I know what I’m doing this afternoon.

    dcr: Dang! I missed it. Yes, next year. We’ll both eat chocolate-covered insects and wrote a post about it.

  34. 34 Lidian

    Oh, I just noticed (it takes me awhile sometimes…) – thank you SO much for the linkosity! On behalf of Kitchen Retro (I suppose I am its spokesperson, what a strange thought!) I am honored and thank you a lot :)
    .-= Lidian´s last blog ..Square Brown Cup Not Included =-.

  35. 35 Buggys

    Hmmm. Creepy, scary. I know some creepy, scary people. I’ll go to Walmart, they have creepy, scary stuff I’ll bet. I feel pressured now!
    .-= Buggys´s last blog ..President Obama I Need To Win A Hashbrown =-.

  36. 36 jennyonthespot

    You busy. And important. And have great hair.

    Thank you… so I don’t have to. You must be a good decider too :) I was thinkin’ about submitting to the FnS thingamabobber…
    .-= jennyonthespot´s last blog ..I’ve Been Feeling Reflective Lately. Really. =-.

  37. 37 FishHawk

    “I Do Things So You Don’t Have To” has been included in this weeks Sites To See. I hope you like the image I featured, and I hope this helps to attract many new visitors here.

    .-= FishHawk´s last blog ..Sites To See =-.

  38. 38 JD

    Lidian: Yes, I’ve been spotlighting one blog from my feed reader once a week. You’re it! Or, you were. Thanks for reminding me to change it. Sorry! One week per blog, until I think of a better way to do it.

    Buggys: No pressure! I’m sure you’ll find something perfect at WalMart. Just don’t forget your camera.

    jennyonthespot: I don’t know about being a good decider. We’ll see. But I DO have good hair, don’t I? Hey, it’s all genetics.

    FishHawk: Thanks for including me!


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