I Hit the Panic Button

And the ride
I say, the ride is so smooth

christine-dvd-cover

Death-Mobile!

Terror Ride!

Drive of Death!

Horror Car!

Fear on Wheels!

Er . . . Scary Ride to Get Coffee and a Potato!

These are all would-be titles of the movie that was my morning yesterday. Tell me which one you like best!

Soooo, I wanted coffee. Special coffee. Something steamy and styrofoamy. McDonald’s coffee! But there was a problem. My car was covered in half an inch of snow crystals. Brush them off? NAY! I would take Dave’s car. Sounds simple, right?

NAY!

The Red Car
I’ve never officially been allowed to drive Dave’s car. The one time I was given permission was when I had to pick it up from the Toyota dealership and despite the fact that it was at the TOYOTA dealership I still had to ask for “The Red Car.”

Because I didn’t know what kind it was. I only knew that it was red.

Luckily, McDonald’s is only a few feet from our house, or I would never dare to drive The Red Car.

Oh, and I also needed a potato.

First, I ventured into the deep, dark recesses of the basement to find where Dave had hidden his car keys.

A HA! Right there on the dresser.

The keys themselves are terrifying, because there’s a panic button in addition to the “lock” and “unlock” buttons. Hit the wrong one and . . . ? I don’t know. You die? Something bad happens. All I know is you do NOT want to hit the panic button.

Once in The Red Car, I had to make some adjustments. Here is some more terror, because I must remember EXACTLY where everything was. The seat. The rearview window. The radio station. The radio VOLUME.

See? Horror Ride! I haven’t even stepped on the gas.

At McDonald’s drive-thru, I’m in trouble. My easy, non-death-car (Mazzie) has old-fashioned roll-down window opener handles. But The Red Car has these new-fangled auto-button roll-downies. WHICH ONE? In my panic (I can hear the impatience in the order taker’s voice), I push blindly at them. Soon I’m sitting in a freezing Red Car with only the driver’s side window still rolled up.

“CAN YOU HEAR ME I WANT COFFEE!”

I’m almost in tears, so I just open the damn door and give my order.

(Then, of course, I roll down the correct window in my confusion to roll the OTHERS up.)

Never mind. I’ve got my coffee. I shall sip it calmingly whilst I shop for a potato.

The Potato

Usually I like to stock up on groceries so I have fewer trips to make. But for some reason, I have an aversion to getting more than one potato per trip.

I had just bought a dang ol’ potato yesterday. And I had some problems.

At the self-checkout lane, the machine didn’t recognize “Potato, russet.” The unfriendly voice told me to wait for assistance. Man, I hate that, don’t you? After several years, the nice lady came to push in the correct potato code. I tried to memorize it, but her fingers were too fast.

So. New day, new potato. I remembered what I learned yesterday, and tried to outsmart the machine. This time I checked the other options. HA! I’ll fool it by clicking on “Potato, sweet.”

Please wait for assistance.

Damnit! And the lady who helped me yesterday is the same one to come to my rescue today. I’m embarrassed. What is going thru her mind, regarding this strange potato-buying/potato-lying woman? And why do I care? I have a right to buy a single potato every day for the rest of my life if it so pleases me. And it does.

An old lady in the parking lot says to me, perhaps in reference to the extreme cold: “We must be crazy!”

Well, maybe you are, grandma, but I really needed this potato and coffee. Now stand aside while I juggle my purchases to find the right button . . .

WEE-OOO WEE-OOO WEE-OOO WEE-OOO WEE-OOO

Next time I’ll just brush off the damn snow crystals.



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62 Comments


62 Responses to “I Hit the Panic Button”

  1. 1 Jenn of Many Cabbages

    If you don’t get yelled at by the computer in Self-Checkout, it just isn’t a good grocery store trip.

  2. 2 Anne

    I love self-checkout. I think I just like to avoid contact with people. I have never had to be bailed out with help, but I have been audited. When that happens, the machine doesn’t work and someone has to come and scan your purchases to make sure you didn’t steal anything. Next time, make Dave run out to get coffee and the potato.

  3. 3 Grace

    One potato – a day – Seriously? Why do you need one potato? We are only two people as well and I would need more than one potato to feed us. And never take a man’s special little red car…unless it belonged to my husband – in that case he would probably encourage it hoping you wold never return it.
    .-= Grace´s last blog ..I was gonna… =-.

  4. 4 MomZombie

    Your story sounds like my attempts at trying to text. A few months back a friend of mine sent me a text while I was driving. I am not a texter and do not have a texting phone. I glanced at the message, saw the words “died” and “very sad.” After dropping the phone and searching for it while driving 50 miles an hour, I pulled over. I had to put on my glasses and spend the next 10 minutes poking at the keyboard until I could compose some worthy follow-up to “died” and “very sad.” My typical “OK” message would not suffice. Meanwhile I’d pulled over in a driveway. I looked up to see a guy in a truck waving at me to move. While still wearing my reading glasses (for close range viewing only) and holding my little non-texting phone I attempted to pull aside. By the grace of god I realized just in time that I was heading for a curb.
    .-= MomZombie´s last blog ..(Mostly) Wordless Wednesday =-.

  5. 5 Stephanie Barr

    Doesn’t Dave read your blog, darling?

    I have hit the panic button a few times myself over the years. Thank heaven’s you’ve made it so I never have to do so again.

    You needed a potato and coffee. Hmm. People dunk the strangest things.
    .-= Stephanie Barr´s last blog ..For Aron: Tell Me What it Means =-.

  6. 6 Janine@Shelf Life

    I have a right to buy a single potato every day for the rest of my life if it so pleases me. And it does.

    You go, girl!!

    I love potatoes. I could buy and eat one every day of my life, but like you I’d probably worry about what grocery store cashiers think of my diet and also my habits. Perhaps they think this eye shadow is a little much? I know, I know, I should have colored my hair last night. Do these pants make me look fat? Of course these cheetos aren’t for me.
    What? What? Is there something on my face??

    Kind of speaks volumes about my self confidence, doesn’t it?
    .-= Janine@Shelf Life´s last blog ..The Common Denominator =-.

  7. 7 Mrsblogalt

    I don’t know what country would take me if I got a scratch on my husband’s truck. I am most impressed with your courage when faced with such severe cravings.

    Sometimes a girl just needs a potato

  8. 8 Susan

    Imagine what would have happened if your coffee ended up like mine did this morning: all over my lap, down in the nook between the seat and the console, on the floor…..

    And if Dave loves his car that much, he may keep track of the mileage, so even if you leave it exactly as he did, he’ll know you took it. Although you could drive it home in reverse!
    .-= Susan´s last blog ..From Mommy to Mom =-.

  9. 9 Puglette

    oh dear,the panic button. i have only had one vehicle with a panic button which i did set off in my own carport. daughter did set off the alarm in a car we had just bought and took it out camping with friends. she wanted to sleep in new car, got all tucked in, locked in and then decided she needed one more hug from dad. the alarm goes off and the lights are flashing and people are yelling at us from all over the forest.

    and your panic button reminds me of a story hubby tells about when he was young. his parents had a van (early 70′s) and while mom was in a store all the kids waited in the van. he pointed out the hazard light button to his sister and told her that an emergency would happen if they pushed this button. and of course, he did. his poor sister started wailing about the impending doom and was in full out tantrum mode when mom returned.
    happy friday!
    hugs,
    puglette
    :)
    .-= Puglette´s last blog ..The Terrible Tale of Rainbow Falls =-.

  10. 10 cardiogirl

    Get out of here. You buy (and eat) one potato every day? Every. Day?

    Wow.

    And now to your dedication to the coffee. Amen I hear that sister. But was there no coffee in the house? Because that’s what it would take to make me drive the Panic Mobile.

    If McDonald’s was close enough, I’d have to consider walking. But not if there was some sort of coffee in the house.

    And after two tries at self checkout, for sure I would go directly to the cashier when I bought my next potato. Small price to pay, methinks.
    .-= cardiogirl´s last blog ..The book of questions, Volume 73 =-.

  11. 11 Daisy's mom

    Driving a different car is scary! I drive a small sports car, and when I had to get a rental car (after my parking lot mishap), it seemed HUGE. The rental was a Dodge Caliber which my husband says is not a big car. But it felt like I was sitting about 5 feet higher. And, believe it or not, I don’t really know how to drive an automatic transmission and kept trying to press down on the non-existent clutch pedal.

    Did you make hash browns to go along with your coffee out of your single potato?
    .-= Daisy’s mom´s last blog ..Fashion Friday: I’m a Snow Princess! =-.

  12. 12 Buggys

    Always best to drive your own, familiar car. Even if it’s an antique and has roll downie windows. They don’t even make those anymore, do they?
    Self check-out? I’m in awe of you. They scare me to death and I refuse to use them unless the lady is standing there doing it for me anyway!
    I have a solution to your daily potato issues…I think you should plant some in the backyard. Each day you just walk out back and pop one out of the ground.
    .-= Buggys´s last blog ..LOST – The Final Season =-.

  13. 13 Spot

    You know why it’s called a panic button? Because if you accidentally hit it, you start panicking. Like the I can’t breathe kind of panicking. Because everyone is staring at you and your unbelieveably loud car. And you’re so tense and upset that you can’t remember how to make it stop. And for the love of Pete, everyone is staring!! So I actually popped the hood and yanked the fuse. Take that panic button!!

    ♥Spot

    PS- one potato? Seriously? Why?
    .-= Spot´s last blog ..Mmmm….Gerard Butler… =-.

  14. 14 Jen

    Why one potato? I really need to know. It sounds like a cool little OCD thing to have however.

    I can get the windows down at the drive through but for the life of me the minute the person starts to talk my daughter starts to talk and I never hear what they are saying. I often end up with the wrong order because of this. I also can’t use voice automated recording thingys like for the bank or doctor because someone will always talk to me while I am trying to give my information over the phone and it always responds “we don’t have a prompt for “not now”".
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Got Junk? =-.

  15. 15 Bingo

    My favorite tittle is Drive of Death! I hope your handsband won’t realize about it. Hugs! :)
    .-= Bingo´s last blog ..Superstition Chapter 9 – The Number Seven =-.

  16. 16 Leeuna

    I hate those panic buttons. It is so embarassing when you accidently set off the alarm. Then you slink down in the seat and wish you had those extra dark tinted windows. (this usually happens to me when I’m at my worst and trying to get there and back unnoticed!!!) Seriously? One poatao?
    .-= Leeuna´s last blog ..Two Idiots – Conclusion =-.

  17. 17 dcr

    Why don’t you buy a bag of potatoes? They keep, you know. Cool, dark place and they’re happy for weeks, months even.

    And, why would you risk driving a red car? Those get in more accidents to begin with. Half of all traffic accidents would not happen if the automakers would simply stop making red cars. Believe it! Or not. I don’t care. At any way, that’s probably the root of your problem.
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Have You Ever Been YELLED At? =-.

  18. 18 shafli

    potatoes ? dump them away !! hehe nice post though
    .-= shafli´s last blog ..Sudah Bersedia Untuk Berhenti Merokok ? =-.

  19. 19 Lidian

    See, this is exactly why I do not drive – too stressful! I walk to the store and buy a potato, or a cabbage (yes, Jenn, I do love a cabbage!) or – something vegetable in nature. I also do not drive because I am from NYC, at least this is what I tell people (a handy excuse!)

    I liked the last title the best even though it was a teeny bit of a plot spoiler ;)
    .-= Lidian´s last blog ..The Comical Cigarette =-.

  20. 20 JD

    Jenn of Many Cabbages: (I love your user name, by the way.) You’re right, sadly. I’ve come to enjoy quite a complicated relationship with the self-checkout computer.

    Anne: Unfortunately, Dave sleeps later than I do, so if I want coffee, he’s no help. I love the self-checkout too. I don’t understand people who don’t know how (or SAY they don’t know how) to use it. Nothing could be simpler, unless you’re trying to buy “Potato, russet.”

    Grace: So your husband has a problem with his red car? Well, I can help with that. I’ll take it to the Toyota dealership and just LEAVE it there. I do supplement my one potato: usually with mixed vegetables and fish sticks. That has been my standard supper for about 5 months now.

    MomZombie: Wait, that’s the end? What happened to the person who died? (I’m so sorry.) I guess this is why we shouldn’t text and drive. Drext? Anyway, I hope this wasn’t all taking place in a Red Car of Death.

    Stephanie Barr: Oh, it’s OK. No secrets from Dave. He knows I drive The Red Car from time to time. It’s just never been officially sanctioned. Hmm. I never thought about the potato and coffee as being a meal unto themselves. I may have to buy two potatoes next time.

    Janine@Shelf Life: Hee! Yes, I spend way too much time worrying about the self-checkout helper lady and what she thinks about me. I also buy a LOT of Weight Watcher ice cream cones. I could probably live on those and potatoes. And coffee.

    Mrsblogalot: So true. It was well worth all the danger. I ate my potato with lashings of butter and shredded cheese. I’d do it again.

    Susan: GASP! God, I never thought of that. If I spilled the coffee in The Red Car . . . well, I’m pretty sure the panic button would go off. I might try driving in reverse next time. If nothing else, it might keep my coffee from spilling.

    Puglette: Aw! That was kind of mean and kind of funny! And I think you’ve got a blog post there, my dear!

    cardiogirl: There was coffee in the house, but I didn’t feel like making it. So, of course, driving to McDonald’s takes less time? I don’t know. Sometimes I just want other people’s coffee, you know? And yes, I may have to take my potato to the regular check out, from now on. I don’t think I can go thru this again.

    Daisy’s mom: I wondered if someone would make a hash browns comment! No, I’m not that ambitious. Just throw it in the oven and then cover it in butter. Rental cars are definitely scary, especially when they’re bigger than your car. I do not drive stick. I don’t know how you do it!

    Buggys: I tried planting potatoes once and something went very wrong. I think they got too much water, because when I pulled one out, it was horribly mushy and gross. But thank you for the suggestion. You really MUST try the self-checkout. You’ll be so glad you did. The nice lady will help you and will NOT judge your purchases. Try it . . . for me?

    Spot: Oh, my GOSH! I feel all panicky, just reading your comment. I really don’t know what you’re s’posed to do when it goes off, but if it ever does, I will follow your example and pull the fuse. (hyperventilates)

    Jen: HAHAHA. “Not now.” I often get confused with my stereo button and end up blasting the CD when I mean to turn off the radio. Or vice versa. I suppose they’re used to all kinds of crazy stuff. I just love potatoes. And I always think I’m only going to need one. But then I want more. But just one more.

    Bingo: Thanks! You’re the only one so far to recommend a title! I won’t tell Dave if you won’t.

    Leeuna: Yes. One potato. I’m eating a potato tonight, as a matter of fact. Right after I take a sedative. All this talk of panic buttons has got me feeling anxious.

    dcr: Noooo! They don’t keep. At least, not in my experience. And after reading this fact about red cars, I have made a decision. NO MORE RED CAR! I don’t care how badly I need coffee or a potato. I’ll walk if I have to.

    shafli: Dump them? NEVER!

    Lidian: Oh, gosh, I didn’t even realize the last title was a spoiler. Oh, well. Too late now. I could be happy walking everywhere, tho I do love to blast my stereo. Of course, there’s the iPod. I may have to give this some thought.

  21. 21 absepa

    My car key has a panic button. I hit it one time while I was sitting in the car, in the work parking garage. Oh, I panicked, all right–I couldn’t figure out how to turn it off! I spent about five minutes fumbling around, hitting all the buttons. I still don’t really know which button combination caused it to shut off.
    .-= absepa´s last blog ..In which I discuss the harshness of reality =-.

  22. 22 Kathy

    When I buy a new car, I’m going to ask the to disable the panic button. Honestly, who would come to your aid if you pressed it? All they would think is “Oh, it’s just JD and her potato-buying-problems again. Nothing to see here.”

    @ dcr: Bags of potatoes in my house move in, grow beards, and ask me to make them breakfast. They’re not good guests. It gets ugly.

  23. 23 ann

    Self check outs, who in their right mind ever came up with that idea anyway? I hate those things, yet I keep going through them.

    By the way I’m still in stitches here from reading your post. Cracked me up when I got to the
    WEE-OOO WEE-OOO WEE-OOO WEE-OOO WEE-OOO
    .-= ann´s last blog ..Desperate Plea =-.

  24. 24 Not Martha Stewart

    As someone who has lost a bag of potatoes in the bottom of the pantry closet, I can assuredly attest to the “potatoes don’t last forever” statement. In fact, if you have EVER smelled what happens to a bag of potatoes when it is ignored in the bottom of a pantry closet, you would have a fear of potatoes ganging together, too. I buy only as many potatoes as will be needed for whatever dish. Shop often and use what you buy, people!

  25. 25 Surfie

    I can never drive any of the vehicles my husband drives either (truck, CJ-5 Jeep, and motorcycle) because he refused to buy an automatic. And I’m apparently not smart enough to figure out how to drive a manual transmission. So he gets to drive MY car, but I can’t ever drive his. I’ve tried many, many times to learn with different vehicles and I’m great with everything except getting the car moving. If we’re moving already I can shift gears easy-peasy, but if I have to stop at a stop sign or anything, we’re in trouble. That whole clutch-gas timing thing is infuriating.

    I’m glad you got your potato! Your idea of buying one at a time sounds much smarter than my way of buying the bag because it’s more cost effective, unless like me you often throw half the bag away because they got all shriveled up and/or moldy.
    .-= Surfie´s last blog ..You May Have Unclaimed Money! (And Possibly a Felony) =-.

  26. 26 Regan

    I personally like the last movie title.

    A few times, when trying to get into one of my parent’s cars, the alarm goes off. Really loudly. I usually jump back and scream in terror.

  27. 27 Puglette

    jd, this post has been on my mind since i read it this morning. i am wondering why you don’t make coffee at home? i have seen a photo of your coffee maker, it looks like a nice one. just curious. and i will keep the blog post in mind…my post that is.
    hugs,
    puglette
    :)
    .-= Puglette´s last blog ..The Terrible Tale of Rainbow Falls =-.

  28. 28 CatLadyLarew

    Scary red car… too many gadgets! I can just picture you trying to get the correct window opened… I still do that in my car and I’ve had it for 15 years. Hope the potato was worth it!
    .-= CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..Polka Dots: Theme Thursday =-.

  29. 29 Heather

    Hey what’s the latest on that lady whos bone you snapped in the Dr.’s surgery? Or shouldn’t I bring that up? Well if I do then you don’t have to.
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..She’s Got a Universe Inside Her =-.

  30. 30 Aine

    I have a similar aversion to buying too many potatoes at one time since I had some turn green on me and I learned about the YIKES! toxic green potatoes. I may be over reacting but I only buy potatoes for the day I’m going to use them, or maybe if I’m feeling dangerous – the next day.

    Aine
    http://theevolvingspirit.blogspot.com

  31. 31 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    First of all, you’re killing me with the scene at the Drive-Thru rolling down all the windows but the one you need.

    Second of all, the rest of it was hysterical.

    Third of all, I love that you have roll-downie-lever thingies for your car. What is it? A 1948 something?

    And finally, in summary and conclusion, I’m too scared to drive my husband’s computer too. You can’t just put it in DRIVE, apparently. You have to move the gear shift knob a couple times to the left after you put it in DRIVE. Or the right. To get into the CORRECT DRIVE gear. Okay, how about I just walk?
    .-= Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog ..Interview With Commander Pants =-.

  32. 32 Staci at Just Bloggled

    You sound like me when I had to drive my mom’s new SUV after she died. I didn’t take my 14 year old car with me so if I wanted to get somewhere I had to drive it, but I’m so used to manual windows, manual locks, manual everything, that I had no idea how to work it. I fumbled to roll down the windows. I usually got the back ones before the front ones. It took me 10 minutes to figure out how to turn on the lights, and I think I gave my nephew whiplash every time I put on the brakes (you only had to tap hers, mine you have to hit all the way down). And don’t even get me started on how different the world looks when your car seat isn’t a few inches from the ground like it is with a Camaro. I spent the entire time scared I was going to hit someone that high up.

    I never thought I would miss my piece of crap until I drove that car. Then I did.
    .-= Staci at Just Bloggled´s last blog ..Flat Ass Fridays: Take Cover, Arizona =-.

  33. 33 Jay

    People like you fascinate me in the check-out queue. I once stood behind a young man who was buying a bottle of wine, a pair of lacy women’s knickers, and two tins of cat food. I don’t know about yours, but my mind was boggling! ROFL!

    Love the story about the car. I have never driven OH’s Audi, and don’t intend to. Surely, it is a devil car! The inside looks like a flight deck at night.

    Oh, and I LOATHE those self check outs. SSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
    .-= Jay´s last blog ..Clever dicky =-.

  34. 34 Katie

    Ahaahhha I love this story. I hate self-checkout. Even if it seems easier, it never is. Mostly because all I’m ever at the store for is produce, and that is a pain…all those looking up pictures and choosing. I feel your pain.
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..Please End =-.

  35. 35 Lola

    You just need a teenage boy. I buy 10 pounds of potatoes about every other week and they never go bad. The kid eats them for breakfast (baked…in the microwave oven with gobs of butter).
    .-= Lola´s last blog ..What to rent??? =-.

  36. 36 wngl

    I truly admire your dedication to tubers.

  37. 37 Pricilla

    ONE POTATO AT A TIME?!
    The publicist is in shock.
    She eats them 3 at a time. She loves potatoes.
    She had been informed that goats liked potatoes but that was not correct. YUCK.

    One potato at a time…
    .-= Pricilla´s last blog ..SpokesGoat Announcement =-.

  38. 38 JD

    absepa: OH, that sounds awful. Yeah — NO one knows how to turn them off. And you just know if you ever really needed to push it, it wouldn’t work or you wouldn’t be able to find it or you’d be unlocking and locking your car doors. Sigh. Why?

    Kathy: HA! Yes, this post was my “The boy who cried wolf.” No one will help me now. Oh, god. I’m laughing my butt off at your potato description. Gross. I agree. Potatoes never last around here. Maybe a day or two. But I’ve never let them stay long enough to grow beards.

    ann: If they could make a self-checkout lane that actually WORKED, it would be fabulous. As it is, they have to hire someone to stand there and watch it. Just check out my damn groceries, self-checkout lane supervisor! WEE-OOO!

    Not Martha Stewart: Brrrr. Your potato story is terrifying. I’m sometimes afraid to open my vegetable crisper if it’s been a while. The sight of slimy green sludge that used to be spinach will have me reaching for the panic button.

    Surfie: You’re so brave! I’m terrified of a shift. I tried to learn in college by driving around the stadium several times. No problem! Then I got out in traffic and I had to stop and start and DO things and . . . it was bad.

    Regan: Yes, see! The panic button MAKES you panic. I really think they need to dis-invent that thing.

    Puglette: OK, here’s the deal. Yes, I have a good coffeemaker. But no matter what I do (and I’ve gone through other good coffeemakers), I end up with a foul-tasting pot of coffee. I’ve cleaned it (the way you’re supposed to), used filtered water, tried zillions of different types of coffee, different amounts, etc, all with the same results: stank coffee. I don’t even know why I keep the coffeepot. Most days I use Folger’s coffeebags. They’re like teabags, only . . . coffee! And believe it or not, it tastes really good. But every now and then I do like something a bit stronger. And for some reason, going out for coffee seems like a treat. It’s just a slight change in my usual routine that brightens up my day a bit. So there you have it. JD’s Coffee Story. I hope you enjoyed it. And here’s a hug for you in case you didn’t. ((()))!

    CatLadyLarew: The potato was definitely worth it! I ate it last night. Tons of butter and salt and pepper. Mmmm. Today I actually lived dangerously and bought TWO!

    Heather: HA! I haven’t heard anything, so that’s good news. Of course, the letter could arrive any day. I had to go to that office (different doctor) last week, and I was terrified. No sign of her, tho. (And my caps lock key is STILL broken!)

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): Hey, are you making fun of my car?! Rolling down those windows is HARD WORK! Otherwise, I love my little Mazzie. I think she’s a 1997? Anyway, your husband’s machine sounds horrifying. Why do they make them like that? Yes, I would walk too.

    Staci at Just Bloggled: I think they should just make all cars exactly the same. Then no one would have to go through this hell. Hee! I’m laughing at your description of the world lookingdifferent when your car seat is higher than you’re used to. It’s so true.

    Jay: HAHAHAHA! It’s funny how polarizing the self-checkout lanes are! I never realized it. Yes, we self-checkout lane people do tend to buy the strangest combination of things. Maybe we’re too ashamed to go to the regular checkout lanes. But when they work right, they’re so fast.

    Katie: HI KATIE! Yes, the self-checkout should be a piece of cake (get it?) but it’s often more work than it’s worth. Especially produce. My secret is to hit everything really fast so it never has a chance to realize there might be a problem and ask you to wait for assistance.

    Lola: Mmmm. You have made me hungry for potatoes! Luckily I have TWO in the house right now. I guess if your son was here they’d be long gone by now.

    wngl: Thank you. Obviously there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to buy a single potato.

    Pricilla: THREE POTATOES AT A TIME?! How does she eat them? Mashed? Baked? Raw? I’m sorry you don’t like potatoes. They are a true delicacy.

  39. 39 Will

    Funny story as usual. Reminds me of one of my own. Several years ago when my nephews were young they across the country for a visit. They came from a family that always had newish cars. We buy a car and take care of it and drive it until it is good and dead. I am right now the 1st owner of a Toyota Corolla that is 12 years old and still… well won’t go there in fear of jinxing things.

    Anyway, we were going to the dump, (If I was JD there would be a post in that excursion, I’m sure.) In any case we needed to put the window down on my nephew’s side of the front seat so I asked him to do it. After a long silent pause during which he eyeballed the entire inside of the door, he looked at me like I was tricking him or something. I soon figured out he had never seen a roll down window handle. My son of the same age reached over and rolled it down after which my nephew said something like: Wow! when did they invent that? Does it cost extra?

    Reminds me of the time my youngest daughter saw a dial telephone, but this comment is long enough already!
    .-= Will´s last blog ..2000-2009: Was It The What If Decade? =-.

  40. 40 Puglette

    oh dear, i am sorry you have had such trouble making coffee! i have been drinking coffee for as long as i can remember, seriously, since i was four or five. i make excellent coffee. so does hubby. we use starbuck’s yukon blend and grind the beans every time we make a pot. we just us a drip machine, nothing fancier than yours, with tap water. hubby drinks his black and i use cream and sweetner. used to be sugar, but now i use splenda. and i use real, full fat half and half. that makes a huge difference.

    if i lived closer, i would come over and help you. because no one should have to go out for coffee before having a good cup of coffee at home!
    thanks for the hug!
    puglette
    :)
    .-= Puglette´s last blog ..Vicious Pug Attack!! =-.

  41. 41 Barb - WillThink4Wine

    Not Allowed? Ha! I’ll say it again… Ha! Perhaps Dave has never heard the marital phrase “What’s yours is mine?”

    I love McDonald’s coffee, too! The One Potato thing is a little strange. Just saying. Reminds me of that old song, “One potato, two potato”. Perhaps you just never heard the “two potato” part.
    .-= Barb – WillThink4Wine´s last blog ..Organized =-.

  42. 42 dana

    I JUST KNOW the QUICK check-out scanner is going to nail me anyway, so I like to go through the QUICK check-out when I have hours of time. Now I’ve also learned to play games with it. Ring up that bag of cotton balls, then lean on it when you put it in the grocery bag, or keep passing the same bar-code through while you’re putting everything else from your cart into the bag.

    FUN I tell ya! FUN! argh
    .-= dana´s last blog ..WHERE’S GEORGE =-.

  43. 43 V

    is there some nutritional benefit to eating a potato a day? i just fed a baked potato to my kid with eyes and legs.

  44. 44 babs - beetle

    A potato a day? Why not buy enough to last the week and keep them in the salad tray in your fridge? Though I have to say that, in our house, potatoes last for ages before ‘growing beards’ as Kathy said.

    You go through all that and you had coffee at home? Still, JD wouldn’t be JD if she did things any differently, and it does make for some crazy posts :)

    Title 5, or maybe – Red Alert! Red Alert! Crazy potato lady’s back!
    .-= babs – beetle´s last blog ..Please let me out! =-.

  45. 45 Patty

    Remember when ole’ Dan Quail spelled it ‘potatoe?’ We just don’t have comedic potential like that in American government anymore…oh dear, wait, we do…we really, really, really do.

    My car isn’t as reliable as my husband’s, so if I’m driving any sort of distance I take his car. He’s 6’7 and I’m 5’1 (he’s my better 3/4ths, the great dane to my chihuahua, the ‘supersize me’ to my ‘Happy Meal’…) and I love to see him try to squeeze into the seat after I drive and forget to scoot the seat back…bonus points if his stomach makes the horn honk.

    I suggest that the next time you go to buy your ‘daily tater,’ you purchase a can of mace to take along with your car. That way, if you accidently hit the ‘panic button’ on the mace, the worst that can happen is a delicious cajun potato dish…well, that and temporary blindness and extremely painful epidermal stinging, but you can yell “BAM!” when you kick that potato up a notch…

  46. 46 Corrina

    You almost have to buy potatoes one at a time, I think! Whenever I’m feeling ambitious and buy a bag of them, they go bad SUPER fast! So I end up being able to use about 6 potatoes, and end up tossing 14 of them in the trash. Is there a secret to keeping them from getting icky? I keep them in a pantry. Should I not do that?

    Potatoes are stressful for me. They are my Dave’s car. lol
    .-= Corrina´s last blog ..First and Last Sunsets =-.

  47. 47 JD

    Will: Boy, are you ever right about that dump excursion! That’s definitely something I’ve got to try one of these days. I love that your nephew didn’t know how to “operate” an old-fashioned window rollie-downie thingie. HA! Now, see, your comment is almost a blog post — you SHOULD write about it!

    Puglette: I wish you could come over! I used to grind my own beans, too (I forgot about that!) Do you like your coffee really strong? I do tend to find Starbuck’s a little strong and sometimes bitter.

    Barb – WillThink4Wine: You’re right. I never DID get to the “two potato” part. Altho as I said earlier, I did actually buy TWO potatoes the other day. They’re making me nervous, sitting in a bowl on my kitchen table. Two! Two too many, I feel.

    dana: HA! You do make it sound so . . . fun. What I do is go real fast so the machine doesn’t have a chance to stop me for any reason. But that doesn’t work well. Especially when you have a potato.

    Aine: I’ve had two potatoes in my house for two days. I’m feeling anxious. I guess I’ll eat one tomorrow, if it’s not all soft. But the other one . . . I don’t know.

    V: Your kid has eyes and legs? Phew. I never really knew for sure. Your kid probably has all her appendages because you feed her potatoes. Yes! A Potato a Day!

    babs – beetle: In the FRIDGE? Now who’s crazy? Maybe we just get inferior potatoes here. After all, you’re closer to Ireland. Sometimes I like DIFFERENT coffee. My morning routine is so boring that I like to shake it up by . . . WOO! Going to the McDonald’s drive-thru! RED (CAR) ALERT!

    Patty: “Bonus points if his stomach makes the horn honk.” OH, HAHAHAHA! I love that. Hmm. I’ve never tried potato a la mace. I do like a good spicy dish. And, OHMYGOD! 6’7′ and 5’1??? I have many questions.

    Corrina: Potatoes ARE stressful. I don’t know what the secret is. All I know is if I want a potato and there isn’t one in the house, I WILL go out and get one. Even if I don’t need coffee.

  48. 48 meleah rebeccah

    I am cracking up because I ALWAYS have some sort of dramatically embarrassing issue whenever I’ve tried to use the self-checkout lane. Seriously? I dont care if I only have ONE ITEM, I stand in-line no matter what for a real person working a register. Because I hate that voice at the self-checkout lane reminding me I am too slow witted to operate it properly!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Contextual Intelligence =-.

  49. 49 flit

    I usually avoid the self scanners because I do not like to be talked to by inanimate things (my computer is on mute 99.9% of the time, also)…. did use one today at Wal-Mart though and was perturbed at its insistance that I put my case of pop down on the stOOpid tray thingie before I could pay.

    I should not have to set it down there only to then pick it up again and put it in my cart.

    The scanner at Home Depot does the same thing – Ross has been frustrated by being told to set things that obviously cannot possibly fit on the tray.
    .-= flit´s last blog ..I am STEAMED =-.

  50. 50 Maureen

    Firstly:

    McDonald’s *accck” coffee?????? Erk. Gasp. Blech.

    Secondly:

    A single potato? Obviously you are not Irish. We must keep at least one 10 pound bag in the house at all times.

    It’s the law you know.
    .-= Maureen´s last blog ..PHED Up =-.

  51. 51 Your Daily Cute

    OK, seriously. I’m voting this post as one of the funniest in a long time. Not that you’re not usually funny, but I had to take a break in the middle of this one to go get a paper towel to dry my eyes because I couldn’t see the screen.

    I also vote for the last title for your movie.

    I understand braving the elements and the panic button for coffee (who wouldn’t?), but for a Potato, russet?!?
    .-= Your Daily Cute´s last blog ..Get That Pesky Tail! =-.

  52. 52 moooooog35

    Shit like this is why I grow my own potatoes and hire Mexicans to bring me coffee.

    Helpful tip there.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Doodler Dandy Does Dallas Part Dos =-.

  53. 53 Kathryn

    Sweetie:

    I hate to say this, but I believe you’re turning into one of those people. The ones who buy one (strange) item and then screw up the self-checkout so the light blinks and you need assistance. Well, at least you weren’t mumbling to yourself during this exchange…or talking to the machine.

    What? You were?? Oh, you poor, sweet girl.

    I’m not sure what to make of Dave not letting you borrow his car. He’s practically hidden the keys and you’ve got this obsession of leaving everything the way you’ve found it, which leads me to believe there’s more to this story than you’re letting on.

    Possibly? Has this car ever been suspected of being used to sell Thai porn out of it’s trunk in one of the seedy sides of town? Hmmmmm?
    .-= Kathryn´s last blog ..No Reply at All =-.

  54. 54 JD

    meleah rebeccah: HA! Why is that voice so judgemental? I’m fine with people getting in the regular checkout lane with only one item — just don’t look at ME with those pleading eyes if I’m ahead of you. Because I’m not letting you in front of me.

    flit: Very interesting how many people don’t like the self-checkout lane. I hate that I have to make sure to slam down really lightweight items or the scanner doesn’t know I’ve “placed item in bag.” It’s in there. I SWEAR!

    Maureen: Maybe US McDonald’s is better than Canadian? Really, it’s quite good! No, I’m not Irish. And if we have better McD’s coffee, Canadians must have better potatoes, because I could NEVER keep a bag for longer than 2 days.

    Your Daily Cute: Oh, you’re so nice. Thank you. Well, a girl’s gotta have her potato sometimes. And that is NOT a metaphor!

    moooooo35: Well, the next time my neighbor’s landscaping crew is working next door, I’ll see what they say about bringing me coffee. And growing potatoes. Because I’m certainly not gonna do it.

    Kathryn: There’s always more. And if I can ever get Dave to promise NOT to read my blog, the story may come out. As for the Thai porn — e-mail me.

  55. 55 meleah rebeccah

    Ahahhahaah. I would NOT expect anyone to let me ‘cut’ in line just because I only had one item!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Contextual Intelligence =-.

  56. 56 babs - beetle

    Well, we don’t keep OUR potatoes in the fridge but I was guessing that maybe you have much hotter weather, and that increases beard growth ;)
    .-= babs – beetle´s last blog ..Please let me out! =-.

  57. 57 dcr

    Off topic, but Tim Gunn was a guest star on How I Met Your Mother Tonight and thanks to your post sometime last year, I actually knew who that was.

    Well, actually, I didn’t recognize the name and I was trying to picture someone other than Tim Guinee because that would be too big a typo, but as soon as Tim Gunn appeared on-screen, I recognized him from your wall photo. ;)

    So, thanks for keeping me up to date with pop culture so I don’t have to.
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Late Night TV by the Charts =-.

  58. 58 JD

    meleah rebeccah: You’d BETTER not! But boy, do I get looks sometimes. Pleading looks. I’ve gotten real good at ignoring them.

    babs – beetle: Ugh. Talk to Kathy about this whole beard thing. I never keep potatoes THAT long. Mine grow eyes . . . and once THAT happens, they are OUT.

    dcr: That makes me so happy!!! The Gospel of Gunn (not Guinee) has been spread. To at least one person. Ten million to go! I don’t watch that show, but I’m gonna hunt it down online.

  59. 59 coach

    It is very good!

  60. 60 SEO Kolkata

    I am totally agree with Grace in this matter. Why do you need one potato?

  61. 61 old hippie Gemma

    JD: Another superior blog. There are alot of JD imitators out there, I am learning. FYI: they do NOT have self checkouts where I live; not anywhere even close. I went to PA to visit my friend last year and everyone was really pissed at me when I tried to use one for the first time. Why are people in such a freakin hurry? Even in freakin PA? which stand for Pennsylvania for anyone who is in a coma. I looked at your bio; so impressive. It actually inspired me to finally finish my degree in English. I was way too busy being a hippie to do that when I should have. Great to have you around, JD.

  62. 62 JD

    old hippie Gemma: Oh, thank you. Hey, who are these imitators? I’ll send out a “cease and desist” order immediately. I don’t know why people in PA are in such a hurry. But I do know a lot of people who are terrified to use the self-checkout lane. And I can’t say that I blame them — so much can go wrong.

    And you’re inspiring me . . . to be more of a hippie!


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