Yesterday while Dave and I were trimming the hedge (NOT a euphemism, sorry), it occurred to me that I am not making the most of my I Do Things talents.
Yes, I know I do plenty of things so you don’t have to, but I could be doing so much more. There are people out there, you see. Masses of people. Like, 10 or 12 people who come to my site via The Googles in search of assistance. And finally, god dang it, I am going to provide that assistance in the form of helpful advice and encouragement.
Please welcome these curious strangers, my bloglings. They are much like you and me. Actually, they are nothing like you and me. They are . . . kind of weird and scary.
Well, that depends on your weight. You should lose a lot of blood if you really want to milk this colonoscopy for all it’s worth and get lots of attention. Blood loss is amazingly effective at gaining sympathy but also death. So you need to consider your options. If you just want to wake up, pass some gas, and go home to nap, plan on losing little to none of your blood.
Erg. Um, are these rabbits diseased? Are they . . . dead when you begin the cleaning process? I guess I hope so. Or maybe by “cleaning out,” you simply mean that you’re giving them enemas. If that’s the case, just wear a haz-mat suit to ensure that none of the rabbit’s stuff gets on your legs. One of those plastic rain ponchos will also work. If you still get rabbit innards on you somehow, see above. You probably will need a colonoscopy with extra blood loss.
Hey, is this from Pricilla? Anyway, once you’ve fallen head first into the bathtub, you should not wait one second. In fact, I’m sure you’ll find it’s fairly easy to fall asleep immediately. You really won’t even have to think about it—it will just happen. It will be a sleep so deep, it will seem almost like death. Falling butt first into a bathtub, however, results in less reliable sleep. You may just bruise your tailbone. If that occurs, take plenty of Vicodin, but wait until AFTER you get out of the tub.
Hmm. Just how crazy are these “things”? I need elaborate descriptions and photos. And video, if you are able. CLEAR video, not shaky camera video. Is he making puppets? Penis-balloon animals? That kind of crazy? OR! Is this actually a direct question to me, JD? I don’t have a boyfriend, per se, which, if you actually read my blog you’d know. But I do have a pretty agile husband, and what I do in situations like this is get out the bacon lube and enjoy the show.
Is this a song title? This is a song title, isn’t it? If it IS a song title, I need to know the rest of the lyrics. Is “What Should I Do” the chorus? Catchy. Also, interesting use of the word “sun,” because obviously people expect you to say “son.” But you’re going for something more arty here, right? Anyway, thank you for sharing your fun song with everyone, but in the future, please ask a relevant question.
Wait, this is an issue now? Should you NOT take morphine if you have curvature of the spine? And if so, why not? I need to know. Why? Never mind. It’s for a class I’m taking. An art class, if you must know. Uh . . . does anyone know the answer to this?
* * *
Well, I hope you all enjoyed this installment of “I Help the Masses.” If YOU have any questions for JD, please enter them in the search box of your favorite search engine and cross your fingers. Your question is more likely to be answered if it contains any of the following words: “Vicodin,” “penis,” “big butt,” “goiter,” or “eargasm.”