I Help the Masses

Yesterday while Dave and I were trimming the hedge (NOT a euphemism, sorry), it occurred to me that I am not making the most of my I Do Things talents.

Yes, I know I do plenty of things so you don’t have to, but I could be doing so much more. There are people out there, you see. Masses of people. Like, 10 or 12 people who come to my site via The Googles in search of assistance. And finally, god dang it, I am going to provide that assistance in the form of helpful advice and encouragement.

Please welcome these curious strangers, my bloglings. They are much like you and me. Actually, they are nothing like you and me. They are . . . kind of weird and scary.

blood-colonoscopy

Well, that depends on your weight. You should lose a lot of blood if you really want to milk this colonoscopy for all it’s worth and get lots of attention. Blood loss is amazingly effective at gaining sympathy but also death. So you need to consider your options. If you just want to wake up, pass some gas, and go home to nap, plan on losing little to none of your blood.

cleaning-out-the-rabbits

Erg. Um, are these rabbits diseased? Are they . . . dead when you begin the cleaning process? I guess I hope so. Or maybe by “cleaning out,” you simply mean that you’re giving them enemas. If that’s the case, just wear a haz-mat suit to ensure that none of the rabbit’s stuff gets on your legs. One of those plastic rain ponchos will also work. If you still get rabbit innards on you somehow, see above. You probably will need a colonoscopy with extra blood loss.

falling-into-bathtub

Hey, is this from Pricilla? Anyway, once you’ve fallen head first into the bathtub, you should not wait one second. In fact, I’m sure you’ll find it’s fairly easy to fall asleep immediately. You really won’t even have to think about it—it will just happen. It will be a sleep so deep, it will seem almost like death. Falling butt first into a bathtub, however, results in less reliable sleep. You may just bruise your tailbone. If that occurs, take plenty of Vicodin, but wait until AFTER you get out of the tub.

crazy-thing-with-penis

Hmm. Just how crazy are these “things”? I need elaborate descriptions and photos. And video, if you are able. CLEAR video, not shaky camera video. Is he making puppets? Penis-balloon animals? That kind of crazy? OR! Is this actually a direct question to me, JD? I don’t have a boyfriend, per se, which, if you actually read my blog you’d know. But I do have a pretty agile husband, and what I do in situations like this is get out the bacon lube and enjoy the show.

sun-has-run-for-ambulance

Is this a song title? This is a song title, isn’t it? If it IS a song title, I need to know the rest of the lyrics. Is “What Should I Do” the chorus? Catchy. Also, interesting use of the word “sun,” because obviously people expect you to say “son.” But you’re going for something more arty here, right? Anyway, thank you for sharing your fun song with everyone, but in the future, please ask a relevant question.

morphine-curvature-of-spine

Wait, this is an issue now? Should you NOT take morphine if you have curvature of the spine? And if so, why not? I need to know. Why? Never mind. It’s for a class I’m taking. An art class, if you must know. Uh . . . does anyone know the answer to this?

*        *        *

Well, I hope you all enjoyed this installment of “I Help the Masses.” If YOU have any questions for JD, please enter them in the search box of your favorite search engine and cross your fingers. Your question is more likely to be answered if it contains any of the following words: “Vicodin,” “penis,” “big butt,” “goiter,” or “eargasm.”

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58 Comments


58 Responses to “I Help the Masses”

  1. 1 Jaffer

    Rabbit Enema ? Hahaha ! I am just imaginine Bugs Bunny with a pipe up his cotton tail !
    Oh wait that was Elmer’s gun.

    No no no ! Let me try again !

    Perhaps … maybe … that boyfriend ‘was’ Elmer !

  2. 2 Daisy the Curly Cat

    You are definitely the one to go to for good advice. That silly Pricilla, thinking we wouldn’t realize it was her when she asked about the “baathtub”!

    I have noticed lately on my blog that I am getting a lot of searches for “wrecked Harley.” I never even knew he drank!

  3. 3 Grace

    Tracking the searches that connect to your blog are such fun, aren’t they. I think I am going to start making my post titles more searchable…

  4. 4 babs - beetle

    Oh what a bunch of weirdos! I will have to start actually looking at my stats. One person’s crazy is another persons fun. Just saying. Not that I….well, you know….. Oh DO shut up Babs ;)

  5. 5 Stephanie B

    You’re responses are spot on. You and David get the most interesting searces tied to your blogs.

    Mine, when I’ve checked, usually involves such useful searches as:

    rocket scientist
    metric system
    tarot cards

    I have got to get more interesting hobbies.

    So, when did you become an expert in rabbit enemas?

  6. 6 roschelle

    Weird and scary…geez. You are right. But hopefully you cleared up a few things for those enquiring minds…

  7. 7 Natural

    too too funny. i love it.

    “If you just want to wake up, pass some gas, and go home to nap, plan on losing little to none of your blood.” LOLOLOL.

    Yesterday while Dave and I were trimming the hedge (NOT a euphemism, sorry),

    thanks for stopping me in my tracks.

    enjoyed, as always. keep cranking out the good stuff. hey do you have a posting machine over here. you’re going to bury my (yeah i bought it) tap that post. i just came to visit it and there’s like 2 more posts on top of it. you’re going to tap it into the ground.

  8. 8 SiteInsights

    Wait a minute… I wake up, pass some gas, and go home to nap every day! I think my employer may be secretly performing colonoscopies on me in an attempt to inter-mix my DNA with that of the aliens!

    Be afraid people… Be very afraid!

  9. 9 absepa

    When I added Sitemeter to my blog, I was so excited to see what kind of weird searches I would get. It was a while before I realized that I would have to use the paid version of Sitemeter to see the search terms. Bummer. You have some really good ones, although I sort of worry about some of those people.

    This kind of reminds me of Yahoo! Answers. There’s always some pretty good entertainment to be found there.

    LOL @ Daisy…you crack me up!

  10. 10 Regan

    It’s so nice you’re helping out the masses out there with their strange problems. Maybe you should have a whole bunch of people ask you questions and then go on some kind of world tour, going to schools and such, giving lectures about questions you have been asked.

    If you decide to do this, please come to my school. :)

  11. 11 Puglette

    i am truly amazed that people actually type that much into the search engine and get anything reasonably close to the information they want. a whole question? really?

    and people who capatalize each and every word…why? does it give your words more importance than mine, which are rarely capatilized on the internet?

    this post has made me really think. i have so many questions about my fellow mankind. it also makes me think that a lot of people are really, umm, dumb.

    well, i am off to experiment with search engines, will i get better results with a whold question or comment? or do keywords provide better results.
    scientific research.
    hugs,
    puglette
    :o)

  12. 12 Barb - WillThink4Wine

    Bacon Lube? Does Kathy know about this products? hahahaha! Will there be a Part Two to this post? Because it opens up many more questions. For example… “How does one actually go about giving a bunny an enema?” springs to mind.

    The top search to land on my cat’s blog this week is “Farkles”. hahahaha!

  13. 13 Kathryn

    I’ve had some doozies as well. I always look at it and think, “How the HELL did you wind up on MY site? You must’ve been so disappointed.” Here’s my fav search requests:

    “one guy one jar”, “poo curfew” ,”what if you haven’t met yet?”,
    “bush god told me to”, “cement in McDonald’s milkshakes”, “what number to shout in the voting booth” and the following, deserving of a line of their own:

    1) “don’t mess with a man after he makes a big poo”
    (minutes later, they come thru again….with:)
    2) “don’t mess with a man right after he takes a really big poo poo”

    I guess the first search didn’t quite provide adequate info.

  14. 14 Jenn Thorson

    I do hope you can help these poor lost souls.

    In fact… looks like they can use all the guidance they can get.

  15. 15 Crabby Blogging Lady

    I’d say you definitely, definitely helped the weirdo masses. You perform a great public service, you know. Yep.

  16. 16 C.B. Jones

    “If YOU have any questions for JD, please enter them in the search box of your favorite search engine and cross your fingers.”

    Don’t encourage me. Not only would I come up with some pretty crazy questions, but I’d cross my fingers so much they’d probably break off.

  17. 17 Anne

    Your post has made 2 things abundantly clear. First, my posts are just not explicit enough. Obviously I need to start including some questionable words so I can get interesting searches. Second, I obviously do not spend enough time conducting interesting searches on the Internet. There is so much more I could discover if I only tried.

  18. 18 Jim Donovan

    I had a few ideas for you JD,

    Feel free to mix and match!

    I take ecstasy so you don’t have to.
    I go to a rave…
    I go to a townhall meeting….

    happy happy,
    Jim
    (the other jd)

  19. 19 Canucklehead

    OH GREAT! Now, I’m singing Elton John’s “Don’t Let the Son Go Down on Me!” UGH.

  20. 20 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    “Your question is more likely to be answered if it contains any of the following words: “Vicodin,” “penis,” “big butt,” “goiter,” or “eargasm.””

    Especially NOW.

    Also? You’re a genius.

  21. 21 JD

    Jaffer: EW! And wait! Yes, you may be on to something. It’s the Bugs Bunny episode we never saw. Censored until today! I always knew Elmer could do some cwazy twicks.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: Yes, I saw right thru Pricilla’s search term right away. I hope Harley isn’t wrecked in any way. Maybe you should post more pictures of him in his Harley Davidson cap so people know he’s OK.

    Grace: And these don’t even include the X-rated ones!

    babs – beetle: HA HA! You said it so I don’t have to. Tho I would never say it. At least, not to you.

    Stephanie B: I hope never to become a rabbit enema expert, but at least I can give some helpful advice in how to protect oneself during such a procedure. I love David’s search term posts, too. He writes about some wild stuff.

    roschelle: I hope so. Unless they found a better answer somewhere else. I can only do so much.

    Natural: I knew there would be people who’d need to be stopped in their tracks on that one. Maybe I can keep the Tap That post on the front page forever. It’s certainly one of my favorites.

    SiteInsights: Did you see District 9??? There weren’t colonoscopies, but there was inter-species DNA mixing (spoiler). I’d be careful if I were you. And what about blood loss?

    absepa: Yes, you can always count on Yahoo! Answers for some fun. I feel bad for the people who actually go by some of the “answers” given there. Unlike my post, which offers only stellar advice.

    Regan: Oh, I would love to come to your school! Are you inviting me? Did you clear it with your principal? What topics should I discuss? Brain worms? Nasal tubes? Driveway fetuses? I’ve got an endless supply.

    Puglette: Please come back wth your findings. I’m especially interested in the all-cap vs. all-lower-case experiment. They always say it isn’t case-sensitive, but I wonder if this particular searcher knows something we don’t.

    Barb – WillThink4Wine: FARKLES! HA! Hey, I could try to do a rabbit enema post. I’d hav to borrow a rabbit from someone, tho, as I don’t have one. Maybe I can just go to a vet’s office and ask to film the procedure. I’m sure they’d be happy to let me. (And, no, Kathy doesn’t know about Bacon Lube. It’s ALL MINE, baby!)

    Kathryn: So basically you write about poo and milkshakes. Those last 2 searches are hilarious. I’m tempted to search on that and see what I find. Oh, hell. I’m doing it.

    Jenn Thorson: Yes, I feel very good about my role in bringing closure to these weirdos’ search for answers. Except that last one. I’m still waiting to hear from one of YOU.

    Crabby Blogging Lady: Why, thank you. It’s a good feeling. And who else is gonna do it, but me?

    C.B. Jones: Try it try it try it! You might get lucky. My seach requests have all been boring today. I need a good juicy one.

    Anne: Wow, I feel REALLY good now, knowing that not only am I helping all these strangers but I’m actually showing my beloved readers how to improve their search request lives. Yes, just throw in some references to drugs, prostitution, and body parts, and you too will have a bunch of crap to make a post out of.

    Jim Donovan: Heh! I’d like to definitely try ALL THREE AT ONCE. I’ve never tried ecstasy OR gone to a rave OR gone to a town meeting, so this would be a truly unique experience. Thank you for your ideas!

    Canucklehead: I know. Me, too. I tried fitting those words from the search into that song, but unfortunately it just won’t work.

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): Right! Bring it! And thank you. Coming from YOU, that’s, well . . . sniff. Awesome.

  22. 22 Calgary Movers

    Lol that bacon lube seems like it’s worth getting. If not to use it then just for keeping it out in random places for guests to accidentally stumble upon.

  23. 23 Corrina

    Bacon Lube???? I’m sorry. My brain stopped there. That’s both disturbing and awesome.

  24. 24 Your Daily Cute

    Very helpful, indeed. How do you get those search snapshots from The Googles?

    And I certainly hope that one wasn’t from Pricilla — what the heck would she be doing in a baaathtub?

  25. 25 Regan

    I didn’t clear it with the prinicpal yet. I don’t think they’d mind if some random lady showed up talking about driveway fetuses, right?

    You could also discuss eargasms with the children. Or maybe any kind of food. :)

  26. 26 Tiggy

    I believe “Oh My God! My Sun Has Just Run For an Ambulance And I Don’t Need One What Should I Do” is probably a track on The Flaming Lips’ new album. Possibly. Does that mean Wayne Coyne is reading your blog for inspiration?

    I’m, betting $1, yes, $1, that their new album will be called “JD Had a God Explosion in The Suicidal Robot Universe So We Don’t Have To”.

    Bet ya.

  27. 27 Daniela

    I’m impressed. Bunny rashes, and penis tricks bring people to your site. thankfully not penis rashes, though. if you get a video, make sure to share. Maybe that will help fix the broken tap problem.

  28. 28 Muskrat

    Yeah, that inquiry regarding the boyfriend and the weird things with his penis? Totally my wife. She thought by typing “boyfriend” no one would know. I’m a little pissed now.

    And what’s so crazy about playing “jump rope” with my johnson anyway?

  29. 29 DrowseyMonkey

    LOL – those are kinda scary. And the rabbit one – where exactly were the rabbits? It’s perplexing.

  30. 30 Kathy

    I don’t understand the ambulance one at all, and the “sun” misspelling makes it worse. It kills me that people type in really specific questions and expect to find a complete and correct answer. Google’s helpful, but geesh. It’d be quicker to ask a dumb question of a Magic 8 Ball and the chances of finding a correct answer are just as good. People are stupid. Drives me nuts!

    As for me, I get a lot of hits from image searches for “gymnast crotch.” Eww.

  31. 31 cardiogirl

    I absolutely love the idea of a song with the following hook:

    What Should I Do
    What Should I Do
    What Should I Dooooo

    I think you have to write and record that song so I don’t have to.

  32. 32 Patty

    What on earth is going on in the UK these days?! Perhaps the rabbit woman’s ‘sun’ called the ambulance to treat her allergic reaction on her legs?

    And I’m getting my Canadian citizenship if they’re passing out morphine to people with scoliosis…if you need me, I’ll be sitting in my bathtub with my IV bag…

  33. 33 JD

    Calgary Movers: Hey, you seem rather spammy, but I’m a keep your comment because it’s about Bacon Lube, and I like the idea of just leaving it out on the bathroom counter. Heh.

    Corrina: It’s a real product. Or will be. You KNOW you’ll use it once it’s on the market, so don’t play coy with me.

    Your Daily Cute: I use a free program called “Snippit.” I think it comes with Windows Vista. Look for it in your list of programs today, won’t you! Yeah, I always figured Pricilla took her baaath with a hose or something.

    Regan: Yeah, I think the children of today would appreciate a lecture on eargasms by some random lady. I’m on it!

    Tiggy: You are my hero! Why didn’t I recognize that as an obvious Flaming Lips song? The thought of Wayne Coyne reading my blog fills me with delicious shivers. And I can’t think WHY they wouldn’t name their new album after me. It’s bloody perfect.

    Daniela: You know I’ll share. I feel responsible for getting you all involved in this tapping thing. And don’t be too quick to assume about the penis rashes (explicit).

    Muskrat: A HA! Nothing wrong with the jump rope trick, as long as you aren’t using it to play with your 3-year-old (ew, I went there).

    DrowseyMonkey: Yeah, the rabbits one was disturbing. And why did they need cleaning out? Of course, one could assume the person meant “cleaning out their pens or cages,” but one never likes to assume.

    Kathy: EWWW! The word “crotch” is so unappealing and therefore very funny. I love the “Sun” search. And I imagine the woman like, just sitting there as the ambulance sirens get closer, waiting nervously for Google to supply the answer.

    cardiogirl: OK! But I’ll have to stay true to the original and find a way to work in the part about the Sun and the Ambulance. I think I can do it.

    Patty: I hear that! Give me my freaking morphine. My liver is just about shot from Vicodin, so I think I qualify. I like the idea of tying together all the searches. There’s definitely a connection between the “rabbits” person and the “Sun” person.

  34. 34 Tiggy

    Thanks for posting that Wayne Coyne pic, JD.I think my pants just exploded. ;)

  35. 35 Bingo

    Crazy questions! I can’t imagine what kind of crazy things the boyfriend was doing, that’s funny, I liked your answer.

  36. 36 Jay

    Hahahahaha!! I get some pretty weird search terms too. I’ve thought sometimes about making a post out of them, but there’d be too many penises in it. I hear someone asking ‘Can you have too many penises?’ I personally think so… especially when most of them are prefixed by ‘gay’ or ‘girl’.

    Love the comments, too:

    “And I’m getting my Canadian citizenship if they’re passing out morphine to people with scoliosis…if you need me, I’ll be sitting in my bathtub with my IV bag…”

    That one made me crack up. I’m coming over too! I can lean sideways.

    By the way, I’m guessing those rabbits had fleas, and the ‘rash’ on the legs was flea bites. ROFL!

  37. 37 Pricilla

    EXCUSE ME! I am not a kinky goat. I do not get into baathtubs with strange people.

    I lick myself clean like any goat should.

    Harumph!

  38. 38 David

    I laughed so hard at this that I ended back up at your site after Googling: “what to do after rupturing self reading JD.”

  39. 39 JD

    Tiggy: Yeah, I know what you mean. My pants have been exploding on and off all day. Is there anyone cuter than Wayne?

    Bingo: Thank you! Yeah, I’d like some more info on the boyfriend one. As well as photos.

    Jay: Too many penises? NEVER! Well, yeah, unless they’re girl penises. Hey, there’s plenty of room in the tub. We’ll need someone to spot us, tho, or we might drown.

    Pricilla: I’m sorry! I was making a little joke. Of course, no one would ever think that was from you. You are a very sensible and clean goat.

    David: Hey, I Googled that and got a site about an esophogeal rupture. EW! I hope you didn’t do too much damage.

  40. 40 Maureen

    I don’t know if you should actually be helping the weirdo masses. I say let them continue to search for their answers….

    It should keep them off the street at least.

  41. 41 ann

    I was going to do a google search for a question I had but I’m so glad I stopped by now I have the answer and so much more….lol

  42. 42 georgie

    OMGosh you get such better searches than me!!!

  43. 43 kathcom

    How can you lose blood? Can’t you tell where it’s going?

    Why would you need to ask a question about hitting your head before you hit your head? Is the Googler sitting there with a concussion or is she thinking about falling in love with a Baathist?

    How many crazy things can be done with a penis? Does it still have to be attached?

  44. 44 Shieldmaiden96

    There is a stage show called ‘Puppetry of the Penis’. Perhaps he needs to audition.

    I can answer the ambulance question: if you call us, we will come. But if we check you out and there’s nothing wrong and you don’t wanna go, sign the refusal and let us get back to the cheeseburger we left getting cold on the table in the squad room.
    (Unless you are a minor child who FELL OFF A PICNIC TABLE AND MIGHT HAVE A CONCUSSION….because we HAVE TO transport those. With head blocks and a neck collar.)

  45. 45 Bev
  46. 46 JD

    Maureen: You may have a point. Still, I can’t help but wonder about the crazy penis guy.

    ann: What was the question??? Did your Sun Call an Ambulance? Please tell us!

    georgie: Well, you just have to write about drugs and nudity and colonoscopies and, apparently, crazy penis tricks (tho I don’t really remember that one).

    kathcom: HAR! I think you need to Google your questions and see what you come up with. I hope you don’t wind up back here!

    Shieldmaiden96: I’ve heard of that show, and I almost linked to it, but I didn’t want to traumatize anyone. Day-um. I wish I had held out for an ambulance when I faked my concussion. Head blocks and neck collar? Do you think I can still get away with faking a concussion? People would believe me, right?

    Bev: Woo! Heading over . . .

  47. 47 Jeff

    Most excellent advice. You’re like Mrs-Know-It-All. Hey, maybe Mr and Mrs Know-It-Alls should hook up sometime to collaborate on a post!

    But I can’t promise Mr KIA won’t do crazy things with his… answers.

  48. 48 JD

    Jeff: Aw. What a let-down! I held my breath through each of those ellipses . . . only to read “answers.” Oh, well. I would VERY much welcome a collaboration with Mr. KIA. Let me know where and when, and I’m there.

  49. 49 Chris@TheSnackHound

    My favorite one of all time was when someone found my blog typing in “stop, oval headed woman.”

    The colonoscopy person sounds like they are hoping to lose some, versus wondering how much the COULD lose.

    JD, since you are another woman, like myself, who is over the age of majority, maybe I can tell you this. The boyfriend who does strange things reminds me of a show I accidentally caught once that was talking about a certain touring company that did, for the lack of a better term, puppet show. Only they were not using their hands. Well, they were using their hands of course, but they were using something else as the main shadow for shadow puppets.

    Now, I am very sorry I mentioned it, but it is your fault for something from 10+ years ago that I saw for about 5 seconds bubbling to the surface.

    First the urn head…now that…

  50. 50 Chris@TheSnackHound

    I didn’t read it before, but Shieldmaiden is talking about exactly what I was talking about, but was thinking myself impolite to say it.

  51. 51 JD

    Chris@TheSnackHound: Oh, you are too polite! HAHAHA. I’m so sorry this post triggered an unpleasant . . . puppetry memory. You’re almost a little too coy—I think you ATTENDED this puppet show. Admit it!

  52. 52 Chris@TheSnackHound

    Nope. I swear I didn’t. It just served me right for surfing around during free movie channel weekend. You know the time. They don’t want people to drive drunk during the New Year or Memorial Day so they flip all the cable on and hope you are too drunk to not stop yourself from ordering all the channels. Cinemax and Showtime are a little less “all ages” after dark than Sprout and Nick and Night.

  53. 53 JD

    Chris@TheSnackHound: Ah, the perils of free movie channel weekend. Yes, I’ve gotten an eyefull of Skinemax on more than one occasion, but I’ve never been “lucky” enough to see some penis puppetry. Hey, I bet it’s on YouTube!

  54. 54 Eric Lippert
  55. 55 JD

    Eric Lippert: HA! You’re obviously not blogging enough about penises or drugs.

  56. 56 Jac

    About falling butt first into the “baathtub”… I recently was trying a seduce a random boyfriend of mine while so intoxicated everything I was doing was surely NOT sexy. I lost my balance in his bathroom and fell ass first into the bathtub, ripping down the shower curtain on top of me. To make the situation even more humiliating, I was only in my panties when this happened.

    Stories like this make me proud of myself, and also remind me while I’m single.

  57. 57 Neas Nuttiness

    You are just tooooooooooo funny!
    I want to be just like you when I grow up. LOL

  58. 58 JD

    Jac: Oh, thank GOD you still had your panties on. I remember making a similar maneuver while drunk (although alone and fully clothed) and pulling down the shower curtain rod AND a towel rack from the wall. I still haven’t fully recovered from the dislocated jaw.

    Neas Nuttiness: Aw, thank you. I’m pretty old, so you have PLENTY of time.


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