This picture came from here.
Sounds fancy, don’t it? You’re probably wondering what the hell I’m doing, sitting here blogging when I should be in an intensive care unit with a giant tube down my throat.
But it’s not that exciting, I’m afraid. In fact, it’s pretty damn dull. Damnit!
Yeah, so. Remember that sleep study? I got the results. Of course I will share them with you! I will even go so far as to translate the difficult medical jargon (see pretty green letters).
STUDY PERFORMED: Nocturnal polysomnogram.
(Find out why patient snores.)
PROCEDURE: Technician-assisted study recording EEG, EOG movement, chin EMG, nasal and oral airflow, EKG, respiratory effort, oximetry, body position, snoring, pulse rate, and limb movement.
(Test will measure how much patient snores.)
SLEEP ARCHITECTURE: Total recording time was 556.5 minutes with a total sleep time of 376.0 minutes. Sleep efficiency of 85%. Total number of arousals [!!!]: 75.
(Patient snored for 376.0 minutes)
RESPIRATORY DATA: 5 episodes of hypopnea with a mean length of 24.8 seconds. 5 episodes of respiratory effort-related arousals [!!!]. Patient slept 2.5 minutes in supine position and 373.5 minutes in lateral position.
(Patient tends to snore on her side.)
OTHER: No abnormal limb movements.
(Patient did not fondle herself.)
CONCLUSION: Test showed evidence suggestive of mild sleep related breathing disorder.
So that was a waste of a perfectly good night. And now my doctor wants to see me. Why? So he can tell me to my face I’m a big, fat snorer? Dave calls me that every morning. For free!
Oh, well. I still haven’t cleared up the mystery of why I have a flat throat. I’m sure that will be a similarly fascinating revelation. I’ll probably find out that excessive snoring causes the throat opening to flatten.
Have you checked your throat opening today?