For many people, insomnia can mean one or more nights without sleep, tossing and turning, staring at an unforgiving clock; in short, a seemingly endless night followed by a crabby-ass day. For me, it means waking up at 3 AM and not falling back asleep until 3:30. Seriously, I consider missing half an hour of sleep to be full-blown insomnia. Believe me when I tells ya: I needs my sleep, I loves my sleep, I gots to have my sleep.
I’m lucky: I don’t usually have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Sleep is my forte. I excel at sleep! I challenge you to a sleeping duel! On those rare occasions when I do have trouble, I take melatonin, of which my doctor wholeheartedly approves—of course, she dispenses Vicodin from gumball machines in her waiting room, so take THAT with grain of salt.
Sleep is good, no, sleep is the BEST. I don’t understand these people who brag about how little sleep they subsist on. “I only need about 5 hours!” The hell? I may only need 5, too, but I’ll take 10, because sleep RULES. It’s nature’s way of making your body shut up, if not your mind.
Given my love of sleep, you can see why missing one precious half-hour is disturbing.
Why Couldn’t I Sleep?
Remember that Simpsons episode in which the family visits the Itchy and Scratchy theme park and they find the attraction called “Searing Gas Pain Land“? Well, that outta be enough information for you. Perhaps too much.
You know that thing cats do where they act like they see someone or something that isn’t there? Well, Gus kept doing that: sitting straight up, ears cocked, eyes bugging out, staring down the hallway. It was freaking me out. If there were an actual burglar or serial killer, he’d be under the bed. But what if it’s a ghost? Or a wolf? Or a giant millipede?
Dave has big feet. Make of that what you will. Sometimes he lies on his back with his feet sticking straight up. This creates a sort of tent at the foot of the bed in which my feet are surrounded by nothing but air. I can’t sleep that way. My feet need to feel the blanket. A good, hard poke will sometimes alleviate this situation, but on this night, Dave was immovable.
Anyway, after a half hour of hell, I did fall back asleep. Oh, and there was no giant millipede. Gus just likes to freak me out.
If You Have Insomnia
You probably already know the obvious remedies. Here are some tips you may not have heard of:
What are your tips for insomnia? How many hours do you need? Could you beat me in a sleeping duel?
Sssssh! They’re still sleeping at humor blogs.