Yo, I’m back!
And I’m really not too unhappy about it. Re-entry can be difficult, especially coming from sunny, 80′s, lazy, nude to cloudy, cold, work, clothes. Two years ago, when we returned from Jamaica, I literally had to take to my bed for a week. I just couldn’t deal with anything. This year, tho. I’m dealing. In fact, I’m pretty damn busy with work. So, until I have time to bring you the quality writing you deserve, here’s a bunch of sentences.
Highlights of My Nude Resort Vacation (not all necessarily having to do with nudism)
- I saw 3 shooting stars.
- I didn’t gain any weight (despite eating 17 desserts at each meal).
- We got locked out of our room—NAKED!
- I did not do Nude Yoga.
- I did do Nude Aquacize.
- I enjoyed awesome quality time with Dave.
- I did not need my Vicodin!
- I did need my new muscle relaxers (after trying to lift a beach chair) and they are quite effective!
- I celebrated my birthday with a massage and dinner at the fancy French restaurant, where we were served sorbet that tasted like medicine and Dave observed that the decor reminded him of a funeral parlor.
- I tried to snorkel but was too chicken EVEN WITH A RAFT to go in the deeper water. I was also too afraid to breathe through the mouthpiece, so I just held my breath and dipped my head under for 10 seconds. Lame.
- I found a crab and named him Crabby. I found a shell that started moving after I added it to my collection. I named it Shell and returned it to the beach.
- We got so lazy we stopped using consonants.
- I drank! Strawberry daquiris, rum punch, and wine with dinner.
If You Want to Visit a Nude Resort:
- Men, don’t be afraid to touch your nipples. They need sunscreen, too.
- If you’re eating at a buffet, for God’s sake, avoid any uncovered food at penis-level. I watched with great alarm as a guy unknowingly dangled his doodle into the butter.
- If it rains, who cares? You’re naked!
13 Comments
I am surprised that nude resorts don’t know better than to have buffet tables at such “precarious” heights? But then if they were higher, breasts might be dangling in the butter instead.
I’m in a place where people expect quiet, and yet I came to your blog and now I have to stifle my laughing snorts so I don’t disturb anybody. People are staring. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Kathy’s last blog post..It Rained Ice Cream
Ugh, I’m not sure I could enjoy an entire resort full of dangling doodles. Is there any place like that where just the women are naked?
Jeff’s last blog post..So what are you really trying to say?
Gizmo: Yup, that’s the trouble with a naked lunch. You’re bound to get something dangling in your salsa. They ask everyone to wrap a towel around their dangly bits, but not everyone does it. (Thanks for the blogroll add!)
Kathy: You know it’s my goal to get you in trouble at work!
Jeff: If there is such a place, I doubt anyone’s thinking about food!
JD’s last blog post..I Have a Suntanned Butt so you don’t have to
All it would take is putting up a plexiglass shield over the buffet table. Sounds like a fun time totally.
John’s last blog post...: The bug nears the light at the end of the tunnel
Like John I was also thinking of some type of new ‘sneeze gaurd’ to protect the food from, ummm … doodles. A name? Well, I would suggest ‘cock blocker.’
Forget about the dangling doodles, the best line is –
“If it rains, who cares? You’re naked!” Once again, on the floor.
Hey, maybe they could have a short rain storm every day before buffet time, and all doodles would be forced to be “Washed clean by a gentle afternoon rain”. Good advertising, “Naked and Clean as a new baby”. Maybe a pre-buffet doodle washing station, oh the possibilities are endless. What fun.
I think I shall stay away from nude buffets. Thanks for the heads-up!
dcr’s last blog post..Link o’ the Mornin’
John: It was a lot of fun, but, yeah. There were times when I would’ve liked a plexiglass shield separating me from all the naked people.
Canucklehead: You come through again! I’m writing to the resort today to suggest that they immediately implement the Canucklehead Cock Blocker Hygiene Doodle Guard.” I think it will go over big.
Carol: HA! I didn’t think about the rain working that way. There definitely needs to be some sort of precaution taken before the doodles start lining up. Oh, my God. I am visualizing a Doodle Washing Station. Too funny!
dcr: Aren’t you glad you found out about this whole doodle deal? You might’ve just rushed out to a naked buffet somewhere and not had the proper warning.
JD’s last blog post..I Have a Suntanned Butt so you don’t have to
Canucklehead Cock Blocker Hygiene Doodle Guard – trademark now pending. Not too worry – I’ll cut you in on the action. We’re rich!
Canucklehead: I can smell the money! (I never realized how much money smells like bacon.)
JD’s last blog post..I’m Still Rewarding Vocab Skillzzzz so you don’t have to
Woo hoo, I know how you feel about the return trip…actually getting a suntanned butt is one thing I think I can handle. Can I have that job back, I want to do that one. Not on a nude beach yet, I could clear the beach with one dropped towel.
Natural Woman’s last blog post..Freedom of Speech, My Asterisk*
Natural Woman: OK, I’ll turn over the suntanned butt to you. Tho I have to warn you—you know how a suntan gets itchy after awhile? Well, you’ve been warned.
JD’s last blog post..I’m Still Rewarding Vocab Skillzzzz so you don’t have to