I Do Things So You Don’t Have To

I’m tired of magazines
Sayin’ flat butts are the thing*

Photo courtesy of Jason David Presser ("mightyquinninlex")

I have a big butt and I’m proud. Big butts have become all the rage, but I gotta brag: I was one of the first. I remember my mom telling me that “men like something to grab onto back there.” The weird part is that, as I recall, this conversation took place in the apartment we lived in until I was twelve. Which means that for some reason we were having a conversation about big butts when I was . . . too young to be thinking about big butts. But, this just proves it: before there was J-Lo, there was me, JD.

Anyway, a disturbing trend has come to my attention. Maybe it’s not a trend yet, but it’s a thing. And that thing is backless panties.

Putting aside the big-buttedness for a moment, this just doesn’t seem like a good idea. Isn’t the whole point of underwear to cover everything—back and front and in between? I’m pretty sure that’s why God invented underwear. Not so we’d keep paring it down to a little v-shaped strip of lace. It’s supposed to cover all your stuff down there. All of it!  

Now, this may be a good idea for some people. It’s gotta be better than a thong, because, according to the pictures on the site, you at least don’t have an annoying scrap of cloth sticking way up in your nether regions. What do you have? NOTHING!

I need support back there. Plus, I need . . . material back there. Some women (apparently quite a few of them) need bras for support. Well, I need full-backed underwear.

This whole trend—yes! it is a trend!—is in part designed to do away with the dreaded panty lines. Please tell me what is so godawful about panty lines? Are people not supposed to know I’m wearing underwear? That’s not very ladylike. And it’s not like panty lines are so incredibly disruptive. They’re just lines around your butt. One line under each cheek. I’d rather have panty lines than big-butt jiggle.

The other reason for wearing backless underwear is so that when your low-riding pants ride down even farther, no one sees your underwear. THEY SEE YOUR BUTT CRACK!

Now, I’m not suggesting we all run out and buy panty girdles or big whitie grandma pants or bloomers, but come on, backless underwear? It’s not even really underwear, is it? It’s like something a stripper would wear. (Oh, boy, now I’ve done it. If Dave reads this post, I know what I’m getting for Christmas.)

I’m sure you’re all curious. What kind of underwear do you wear, Ms. Know-it-All Underwear Lady? Well, as it happens I don’t know. They don’t have the brand name printed anywhere and there are no tags. But I absolutely love them. I was going to take a picture of them (because they are just that awesome) but I thought that might encourage even more weird e-mail. I’m kidding—I’m not getting nearly enough weird e-mail. On the other hand, such a picture might put to rest the opinion of some of my readers that I’m a man. Or maybe not.

If you have a big, beautiful butt and are proud and want your backside fully covered:
 

* Today’s lyrics are courtesy of Sir Mix-A-Lot.