I Have a Big Butt

I’m tired of magazines
Sayin’ flat butts are the thing

big-ass.jpg

Photo courtesy of Jason David Presser ("mightyquinninlex")

I have a big butt and I’m proud. Big butts have become all the rage, but I gotta brag: I was one of the first. I remember my mom telling me that “men like something to grab onto back there.” The weird part is that, as I recall, this conversation took place in the apartment we lived in until I was twelve. Which means that for some reason we were having a conversation about big butts when I was . . . too young to be thinking about big butts. But, this just proves it: before there was J-Lo, there was me, JD.

Anyway, a disturbing trend has come to my attention. Maybe it’s not a trend yet, but it’s a thing. And that thing is backless panties.

Putting aside the big-buttedness for a moment, this just doesn’t seem like a good idea. Isn’t the whole point of underwear to cover everything—back and front and in between? I’m pretty sure that’s why God invented underwear. Not so we’d keep paring it down to a little v-shaped strip of lace. It’s supposed to cover all your stuff down there. All of it!

Now, this may be a good idea for some people. It’s gotta be better than a thong, because, according to the pictures on the site, you at least don’t have an annoying scrap of cloth sticking way up in your nether regions. What do you have? NOTHING!

I need support back there. Plus, I need . . . material back there. Some women (apparently quite a few of them) need bras for support. Well, I need full-backed underwear.

This whole trend—yes! it is a trend!—is in part designed to do away with the dreaded panty lines. Please tell me what is so godawful about panty lines? Are people not supposed to know I’m wearing underwear? That’s not very ladylike. And it’s not like panty lines are so incredibly disruptive. They’re just lines around your butt. One line under each cheek. I’d rather have panty lines than big-butt jiggle.

The other reason for wearing backless underwear is so that when your low-riding pants ride down even farther, no one sees your underwear. THEY SEE YOUR BUTT CRACK!

Now, I’m not suggesting we all run out and buy panty girdles or big whitie grandma pants or bloomers, but come on, backless underwear? It’s not even really underwear, is it? It’s like something a stripper would wear. (Oh, boy, now I’ve done it. If Dave reads this post, I know what I’m getting for Christmas.)

I’m sure you’re all curious. What kind of underwear do you wear, Ms. Know-it-All Underwear Lady? Well, as it happens I don’t know. They don’t have the brand name printed anywhere and there are no tags. But I absolutely love them. I was going to take a picture of them (because they are just that awesome) but I thought that might encourage even more weird e-mail. I’m kidding—I’m not getting nearly enough weird e-mail. On the other hand, such a picture might put to rest the opinion of some of my readers that I’m a man. Or maybe not.


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13 Comments


13 Responses to “I Have a Big Butt”

  1. 1 Lisa Lisa

    Don’t knock em till you try em. I wear thong undies. I absolutely love them! In all honesty I didn’t really like the ones that first came out years ago. You have to find the right kind. The idea is to not have the panty lines show through your jeans, pants, skirt, etc. Low-rise is best – I never understood the butt crack thing??? I’m well aware that when I bend down or over I’d better pick up my pants a bit before I proceed. Mine are never uncomfortable. The part in the back is supposed to lay right on top of the crack not inside – Yuck!!! I do wear what I call the “Granny Patties” on “Laundry Day” and ONLY around the house. These are very uncomfortable to me. They ride up and then I have to either a) Work them out some how or b) Go on in and dig them out. Maybe that’s just me. The kind you wear are called “Boy Shorts” and these are very “TRENDY” right now :o)

    Love,
    Lisa Lisa

  2. 2 JD

    Lisa Lisa: Wow, thanks for the underwear lesson! I didn’t realize that today’s thongs don’t go “inside.” That’s very interesting. I do love my current undies. No digging or “working out somehow” necessary.

    Thanks for stopping by!

    JD’s last blog post..I Cook Things so you don’t have to

  3. 3 Stephanie Barr

    I also have (a) a big butt and (b) wear full coverage underwear. I am not tempted by thongs or the backless underwear you refer to. In fact, I hope my 14-year old daughter finds out about the latter since she already inists on thongs (for the comfort, she says). If she thinks I feel any comfort from my freshman-in-high school daughter wearing underwear that is effectively 1/2 inch wide lace, she’d be wrong.

    Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..A response to a response to Gumby’s open letter…

  4. 4 JD

    Stephanie Barr: “Thongs for the comfort.” I just don’t get it. In either context. Your daughter needs to experience the pleasure of big-granny panties, the kind that come up over your belly button. Now that’s comfort!

  5. 5 jackie

    As the old saying goes “if you got it flaunt it!”

    jackie’s last blog post..My grandma lived to be a hundred and seven!

  6. 6 JD

    jackie: And I DO! Well, I really can’t help but flaunt it, unless I wear a tent.

  7. 7 Nicolleye

    I actually am all for thong panties … I also have a big butt and I think it accentuate it. :)

  8. 8 JD

    Nicolleye: As a big-butted woman, I still prefer some sort of . . . restraining garment.

  9. 9 Judithtobi

    Loved the big butt underwear discussion because believe it or not I googled big butt underwear because I am so tired of buying underwear and have it sliding in my butt crack or barely covering my behind.
    Does anyone know a good brand of underwear for us gifted butt
    women? I am petite but blessed. :)

  10. 10 Rain

    I have a BIG butt, and sorta big thighs. I am only 14, but all my friends and family are constantly making remarks. I am not bothered so much by the remarks part, its just i am not sure if it is rly a blessing.
    Do the guys rly like big butts?!?! It does make it REALLY hard to find the right jeans especially when my mom is such a NAG about thing being too TIGHT. I cant help it, everything fits that way!

    I totally agree with jackie with the flaunt it thing its just i am not sure how.
    Does anybody have suggestions on what to wear. Idk help would be much appreciated!!! :)
    (not just undies)

    OH AND I do have a tight budget to stick to :(!!!

  11. 11 Karen

    I am 21 yr old college student and have always had a big but too. I am not fat I just have a big butt. I also have trouble finding panties that don’t ride up into my butt crack. Thongs don’t lay on top of my crack they end up inside too.

  12. 12 else

    I am also one of you with a big butt, and HATE the way that I can’t find panties that don’t let the bottom of my cheeks hang out–even though they might be baggy up top.

    I found Vanity Fair Body Shine Illumination panties cover my WHOLE butt and don’t let anything hang out–I NEVER have to tug on my panties. Unfortunately, the only style that really works for me is the “granny” type up to the waist (maybe you’ll have more luck w/ their bikini style than me) but it’s nice to have something to wear under my pants that actually covers me–and they do come in nice colors, and they’re pretty.

  13. 13 JT

    I’m a guy and I don’t know what the problem is with having panty lines showing underneath your clothing either. So what if it shows? I actually find it a very nice sight. It tells me that you’re wearing panties (I don’t dig the whole “commando” thing), and I can’t stand “butt floss.” Every girlfriend I’ve had I’ve told her that I think she looks sexier in a panty that covers her entire butt. In fact, for Christmas I gave one of my former girlfriends a gift that was only wrapped in something that resembled a thong/g-string instead of the whole wrapper; she didn’t think it was as funny as I thought she would, but she refused to wear anything but butt floss and I was trying to make a point in a humorous way.

    I have to agree that the backless panties seem to be made for strippers, which I’m not into either…too sleazy for me.

    Anyway, my last girlfriend (who moved back to another state due to family stuff) wore Olga and Vanity Fair and some kind of string bikini that she told me she had to have special ordered from some French company; they all covered her butt nicely and looked very good.


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