I Got Torn Apart

Tear me apart
If you wanna win my heart

woman-with-coffee.jpg

To be more literal, I got f*%#ing torn apart so you don’t have to.

But to be less literal, I didn’t get torn apart at all. Just kind of dented.

YESSSS! The folks at Ask and Ye Shall Receive reviewed my blog. Here’s the deal: you bravely submit your blog to a site whose URL is

iwillfuckingtearyouapart.blogspot.com

(yeah, I know, the “blogspot” kind of nullifies the feeling of terror), and one of the writers will read your blog and review it. For free! After they review it, the submitter is supposed to immediately regret it and write a post complaining about their bad review.

But I won’t be complaining. After all, I asked for a review and I received one. That’s the deal. I didn’t ask for a favorable review or a well-written review or even a non-hungover review, just a review.

So, of course you should go over there and read the review yourself, but here are some highlights:

  • My blog is sometimes clever and well done.
  • My writing is at times fluffy, vanilla, and goobersome (mmmm, that sounds like a recipe for a delicious cake).
  • The juxtaposition of some serious topics among the silly can be somewhat jarring.
  • My template sucks

But the absolute best statement? Wait for it. Here’s a direct quote:

It is, absolutely, the worst, most incongruous header for a blog imaginable.

Oh, man. Did I mention that this was a FREE review? You can’t pay for publicity like this. What do people click on? Pictures of fluffy kittens? Recipes for cupcakes? Porn? Well, yes. But what people really want to see is the absolute WORST of anything. And you can find that right here, baby. You may agree, you may disagree—you will certainly gag and convulse and die—but it’s all sweet, sweet traffic!

And in the end, isn’t that all we care about?

Seriously, tho, I have to defend the creator of the template, Headset Options. In my endless tweaking, I may have ruined everything, but my intentions were good. And I should say that the header image was not part of the original template.

I have wanted to change my header image for a while. Corrina at My Random Blog did some really nice mock-ups for me, but I kind of want to try my hand at creating something myself. I still don’t know what to do, but it’ll come to me. Hopefully before any more people gag, convulse, and die.

As for the other stuff, I’m a keep on writing the way I do, about the things I do. As I promised in my very first post, I do things. Some will be boring, some will be silly, some will be moving, and a lot will be nude. I can’t change now. As Peter O’Toole once said (of me): “The damage has been done. There is a legend, there is a myth: to protest is daft.”

BUT!

I would really like some honest feedback about the look of my site. I realize not everyone loves it, but my main concern is that it is readable and easy to navigate. If your opinions are best expressed anonymously, please enter the poll. I also welcome comments: positive, negative, suggestions for improvement, exclamations of disgust. Lay it on me. I can take it.

Whatever you have to say can’t be any worse than “Gragh.”

And be glad I got f*%#ing torn apart so you don’t have to.

They like the F-word at humor blogs.

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43 Comments


43 Responses to “I Got Torn Apart”

  1. 1 Alice

    Gragh.

    And now I’m feeling like I want to get torn apart.

    Alice’s last blog post..Vamp News Twilight Alert

  2. 2 jennypenny

    Girl, you are the FUNNIEST and that’s all that matters to me. Have I seen more attractive blog sites? Sure! Look at mine! LOL! Just kidding … but seriously, with excellent, side-splitting content like yours, who needs a slick-looking site? RiDICulous notion, darling.

    Peter O’Toole was right … and also don’t forget … we love those who make us laugh. We’ll do anything for them.

    And you make me laugh out loud, which is why I loves ya.

    Putting on armor now, before I trot over and get my own review.

    jennypenny’s last blog post..Remember To Forget … To Remember

  3. 3 jennypenny

    OK … forgive me for trotting back over here so quickly, but I just looked at that site for 0.2 seconds and I have to ask: Why in the sam hill would you care what they think?

    I wouldn’t ask them to review my shopping list.

    jennypenny’s last blog post..Remember To Forget … To Remember

  4. 4 Kathy

    Hmmm… vanilla is the last word I’d use to characterize your blog. You’re Rocky Road, baby! Yours is one of the finest humor blogs on the planet.

    I don’t get this site. You throw yourself at them and you get a profanity-laden review in return? That’s their shtick, right? I could barely get through all the F-bombs and other nuggets enough to figure out what they were saying.

    It’s a bit distracting. In fact, far more distracting than your header evidently is to them. The verbal poo is sprinkled all throughout the post and in the comments. If you can’t be entertaining without cursing every other word, find something else to do.

    I’m with jennypenny. I hope you don’t take anything they said seriously. The site is bizarre.

    Kathy’s last blog post..We’re Doomed Already

  5. 5 Natural

    JD, I thought you made out pretty well over there, they only ripped your header and you got two stars. Did you read how they ripped apart that mommy blogger. I thought I was going to be the one that needed to wear diapers when they tore me apart, but nope..she needs them. I’m waiting on my rip, I wonder if they fell asleep reading my blog.

    Hey Kathy, I agree with you on the cursing. I can’t stand it too much myself. I submitted my blog cause it was late and I didn’t know what I was doing.

    I like your blog JD and your doing stuff is just cleaver! If I HAD to change anything, it would be the header.

  6. 6 Natural

    who is cleaver. Clever. Darn can you spell for me, so I don’t have to?

  7. 7 Jeff

    I submitted my blog to a review site exactly one time. They never even discussed the content of my writing because all they could focus on was the fact that my template was boring. Thank you very little.

    I’ve seen some pretty fancy blogs with gorgeous templates, but whose stories bore me to tears. I come back to yours every day because you make me laugh and write about things I can identify with. I wouldn’t worry about what the review sites have to say. I haven’t read one yet that can output constructive advice.

    I did chuckle though when he wrote that your picture looked like a “jellyfish-attack during an acid-flashback.” I’m guessing he has experience with that.

  8. 8 babs (beetle)

    The layout is fine. I, personally, don’t like the blue, but that’s a personal thing. It’s easy to leave comments and it does it’s job.

    When a blog is written well and entertains, as yours is/does, you don’t even notice the layout. The header, on the other hand ….. ;O)

    babs (beetle)’s last blog post..Doodle You – Beetle

  9. 9 JD

    Alice: It feels surprisingly like an invigorating workout. You’re tired and sweaty, yet refreshed.

    jennypenny: Aw, you big sweetie. Thank you. My readers’ opinions are all that matters to me. And you blog certainly is more attractive than mine—no just kidding about it. So you’ll do anything for me? I’l start a list . . .

    I know. I don’t care what they think, but I was curious about what the review would say. I wonder what they’d do to my shopping list. It’s pretty sloppy.

    Kathy: High praise, indeed, coming from you! Thank you so much. Mmmm . . . Rocky Road. First waffles and now ice cream.

    I don’t get all the F-bombs either, tho I admit to using a well-selected expletive now and then. I think they are just very angry. And, no, I didn’t feel like the review was very substantive, but as I said: no complaining. I asked for a free review, and I got one.

    VERBAL POO!

    Natural: Yeah, I don’t feel too bad. Like I said, just a little dented. I did read that mommy blogger review and felt pretty bad for her, but you have to know what you’re getting yourself into.

    I’ll be thinking of you and hoping they go easy on you . . . and your friend, Cleaver.

    Jeff: I did want some feedback about my template, and it’s funny, ‘cuz when I was looking at images for my header, the phrase that kept running thru my head was “jellyfish-attack during an acid flashback.” I guess I hit the nail on the head!

    Anyway, thanks for the kind words. You know I’m a big fan of yours, so it means a lot.

    babs (beetle): Thanks, Babs. I’m glad you were honest. I had to step back and reevaluate my colors, but, darn it, I really like them. And thanks for being honest about the header. Not exactly a surprise! But this has all been good motivation for me to find something else.

    I’m so glad you think my blog is well written and easy to get around.

  10. 10 MarketingDeviant

    Ouch! It sounds like they are doing the Simon thing on you on American Idol! Your blog looks popular :D which is really good so don’t get upset from some bad reviewer!

    MarketingDeviant’s last blog post..Explore all Possibilities

  11. 11 Maureen

    Oh, you ARE brave, aren’t you? Yes, it IS their schitck to be profane. But it’s far too much for me.

    And I would never, ever give them opportunity to rag on my blog… I don’t value their opinions at all.

    And neither should you.

  12. 12 babs (beetle)

    At the end of the day, your blog is a reflection of you, and nobody else. If you like the colours and the layout, that’s all that matters. I say, continue doing what you’re doing and to hell with their opinion! That doesn’t count as a profanity does it? ;O)

    babs (beetle)’s last blog post..Doodle Mad

  13. 13 JD

    MarketingDeviant: Hello, and welcome! Yes, I felt a little bit like Jason Castro after he forgot the lyrics to “Mr. Tambourine Man.” Only maybe less stoned. Thanks for chiming in!

    Maureen: A few people asked me if I was crazy to request a review, but I really was just curious. I knew what I was getting myself into. I can’t say I value their opinions, either, but I was hoping to get something constructive. They acutally gave Corrina at My Random Blog some good advice—I’d link to that review, but they don’t have a search box, and I can’t find it.

    babs (beetle): Agreed! But I hate to think of alienating readers or making things difficult or unappealing. There should be a compromise between what I like and what is easy on readers’ eyes.

    And “hell” is never a profanity, when used sparingly!

  14. 14 michelle

    You are perfect just the way you are.

  15. 15 Cindy Lietz, The Polymer Clay Girl

    JD you should know that your site ugly or not is my favorite blog! You write the way I think and dare not say out loud. Keep on ‘Doing Things So I don’t Have To’!!!!

    Cindy Lietz, The Polymer Clay Girl’s last blog post..Phthalate-Free Premo Polymer Clay – A Blessing or a Curse

  16. 16 H.

    We’re both in the same boat with trying to make our own header. I hope we both have plenty of coffee. (And you’re so brave with the review. I’m not sure I could ever do it).

    H.’s last blog post..Me at the Beach. No, I’m Serious.

  17. 17 Regan

    Yayy website! ((It’s mine and my friends, started today))

    I love your blog! I’m still thinking of something pleassant to compare it to, but I’m kina brain dead at the moment.

    Oh wait! Your blog is like…. AN AWESOME PARTY! You’ll never what to expect, but it’ll be fun no matter what!!

  18. 18 ann of the shampoo bag

    I enjoy the coloration of your blog. Vanilla is my favorite flavor. You know what you’re getting each and every time. Something good!

  19. 19 JD

    michelle: Aw. Aren’t you nice. Thank you!

    Cindy Lietz, The Polymer Clay Girl: Thank you! You guys are great. So I can keep my ugly template, is that what you’re saying?!

    H: Yes, plenty of coffee and plenty of time. Time is what I need. This sort of thing always takes me so long. I’d love to take a week off work and just doodle around with the technical part of my blog. Some day…

    Regan: YAY! Your site is so colorful and sparkly! I love it. I love kitties, too! I’ll keep checking back to see what you’re up to.

    And thanks for comparing my blog to an awesome party. That’s about the nicest thing anyone could say.

    ann of the shampoo bag: Good ol’ vanilla. I try to be fairly reliable. I’m glad you like my colors. I may make some changes, but as long as everyone can read everything, it’s fine for now. Thanks for commenting!

  20. 20 SexyOldBroad

    My god.. did the reviewer even read your blog? I love it. You speak from my head every damn time.

    I know I’m old, I accept that, but what the heck is goobersome? Nutty? I’m just guessing because of the goober-peanut relationship.

    Vanilla? If you’re vanilla, then my blog must only be caramel.

    Rock on!

    SexyOldBroad’s last blog post..Dating disaster

  21. 21 JT

    First off, I’ve taken tons, and I do mean tons of web design classes. Not that you can tell lol. I had an excellent teacher tho’ who preached “purity, purity, purity” and “KISS – keep it simple stupid” for 2 very large reasons. People like simple, clean cut, easy to follow. All of which yours is. Well except for the header, lol, but it stands out against the rest which is what caught my attention in the first place. Well that, and the I do things part. Excellent marketing there.
    I have to say I like the goober part. Goober can stand for so many things. Snot, spit, kid, asshole, they all fall under the heading of goober. Goes right along side Wanker which is also multipurpose. So you got a multipurpose term for a site which is well, multipurpose. Cause thank you very much, I’m not heading out to the nude beach anytime soon, so I’m glad you did it for me.

    JT’s last blog post..The pukes, the runs, but most of all the snot…..

  22. 22 Tim

    Your site is definitely one of my favorites. I never knew I was such a fan of fluff! But then, we also fluff out at the Redneck, or so reviewers say.
    I don’t really mind the template. I have never worried about congruousness before, so why bother now? The only change I would like to see you make is to add a subscribe to comments plugin, so I don’t miss all your ‘cleaver’ replies.

    Tim’s last blog post..Wet Beaver Photos

  23. 23 Tim

    Hey, I just realized you could write a script for a movie like The Ring, where teenagers dare each other to visit your site, and then when they see the header they gag, convulse and die.
    I don’t understand. Maybe if I do more drugs then I will see what they’re talking about, but so far it just looks like computer art. Not my fave, but not puke inspiring by any means.

    Tim’s last blog post..Wet Beaver Photos

  24. 24 Stine

    Your site is prettier than theirs…

    As for the header image – at least you have one! And it looks fine…

    Stine’s last blog post..Doodle Week – Day 7… Mad Finale

  25. 25 JD

    SexyOldBroad: Thank you. You are indeed sexy. And possibly goobersome, which I take to mean sort of chewy-delicious. And, wait a minute! “Only” caramel? Caramel is the best of all flavors after chocolate!

    JT: Wow, that makes me feel good. I don’t have any design experience myself, but I tried to apply that rule of simplicity—at least with the white background and not too much doodly stuff. The header? Yeah, I know! It’s on its way out.

    I love your interpretation of “goober,” and “wanker” is one of my favorite words. And I am ALWAYS happy to visit a nude beach so you don’t have to!

    Tim: FLUFF! Yeah, I never really thought of myself as fluffy, but I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. And thanks SO much for the suggestion of adding a comments subscription plug-in. I’m getting more comments lately and I agree: they are all funny, great, and cleaver, so I should definitely add that.

    And thanks for sharing that my header does not make you gag, convulse, and die. I love the idea that my blog could be used for evil. I’m going to work on a script idea RIGHT NOW!

    Stine: Aw, thanks. They go for a pretty bare-bones approach over there, I guess. And, yeah, I have a header, but I think it’s time for a change. Thanks for chiming in!

  26. 26 Urso Branco

    Hey JD:

    I like your blog. I make a point of reading a lot f it every chance I get. But I have many blogs to manage and lots of photos to take. All in a day’s fun.

    What don’t I like about your blog? The header is a bit distracting but most of all you have too much going on in the side bar. But who am I to talk? My sidebars in my blogs are loaded with widgets . . . probably too many.

    Now just to steal a bit of your thunder . . . I cook Canadian meals with Brasilian style so you don’t have to. LOL

    Love – Urso Branco

    Urso Branco’s last blog post..Cheese Omelet

  27. 27 Carla @ WordPlay

    Just so you know, yours is my favorite goobersome blog. There are others that have attempted this high level of gooberness, but yours actually delivers (whatever the #$%^ that means).

    Seriously, hasn’t your rage-aholic reviewer heard that content is king? Where else could I go to enjoy nakedness without actually having to humiliate myself in public? And to learn so much about scoliosis in the same sitting, now that’s good content.

    As far as the header goes, it’s not my cup of tea. But who cares? I’m not here to stare at the header; I’m here to read what you have to say. BTW, I do a little graphic design, so if I can be of assistance with a new header, I’d be happy to donate my services just to show that reviewer what we’re made of around here. :-)

    Carla @ WordPlay’s last blog post..Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms Who Blog

  28. 28 Sunny

    In all honesty the header is not as bad as he makes it sound. It can use some help though :-)

    Sunny’s last blog post..Partial Feed for the Rest of this Month

  29. 29 Natural

    Alright JD, my blog review is up. I can’t say it’s half bad either..it’s kind of accurate.

  30. 30 JD

    Ursa Branco: Thank you! I appreciate your stopping by whenever you can. I know: there are a lot of blogs out there. Too many good ones to count. I appreciate your feedback about my site. I thought “too much going on in the sidebar” would be one of the review’s points, but he didn’t get quite that far. I agree, tho. I’ve already removed some of the widgets and will probably clean some things up.

    And you’d better get over here and make me an omelet—Canadian/Brazilian style—PRONTO!

    Carla & WordPlay: Well, if I have to be goobersome, at least I’m your favorite. Thanks both for the kind words and the feedback on my header. I know it’s not exactly the main reason people come here, but I’d like it to be at least somewhat pleasing to the eye. Thank you SO much for the offer. Corrina from My Random Blog made a similar offer (yes, I must really need help!) and even created some designs for me. I’ll definitely let you know. As I said, I’d like to try my hand at it, but that may prove impossible.

    Thanks again.

    Sunny: Thanks for your honesty. And I agree. Help is on the way!

    Natural: Not bad at all! And you got a much better deal in the comments section. Congratulations. I think you defended yourself in a way that was neither whiny nor bad-natured.

    Aren’t you glad it’s over?!

  31. 31 Meg

    I like your site a lot–although I’m kind of a post-in-the-middle-column-type-of gal. I think it’s extremely readable and not loaded with all the crap that some blogs attract.

    Focus on your content. It rocks!

    Meg’s last blog post..We Bonded Over German Atrocities

  32. 32 Natural

    i have to live up to my name: sunshine and lollipops. lol that’s funny. i’m like that meat: i answer to a higher authority. rofl. it’s all good.

  33. 33 Shieldmaiden96

    I dunno. I’m one of those people who doesn’t know how to make templates and whatnot so I tend not to care what they look like. I’m just digging around in the shell for the good meat, y’know? Does anyone care if its an ugly lobster if it tastes good?

    Does that make any f-ing sense?

    I just like to read your blog. What it looks like is immaterial to me.
    From whence cometh their authority to deem something ABSOLUTELY THE WORST anyway? That just makes them sound like pinched up dickwads.

    I’m having a weird day. Excuse me.

    Shieldmaiden96′s last blog post..Driving and Sighing

  34. 34 Carol

    I say — joke ‘em if they can’t take a fu*k !!!
    You’re the best, juxtaposition my butt — tell them to assume the position. Free is sometimes worth what you paid for it.

  35. 35 JD

    Meg: It’s funny how we all have our preferences for the how and where of columns. When I started out, I just could NOT see anything but 3 columns. Anyway, thanks so much for offering your opinion. I appreciate it.

    Natural: Last time I checked, I love sunshine. Lollipops? Not my favorite, but I certainly don’t see anything WRONG with them. You’re right: it’s all DEFINITELY good.

    Shieldmaiden96: I think I love you on your weird days. I know whatchya mean. I do think layout and design is secondary to a lot of people, as long as you can read the damn thing and find your way around.

    I’m flattered that you think I’m “good meat”!

    Also? “Pinched up dickwads”? Made my day.

    Carol: I agree. With free, you not only get what you pay for, but you gotta accept what you get. I wasn’t too bothered by it. I had just been curious about what they might say.

    And I will juxtaposition your butt!

    Also, I’m pretty sure they can take a fu*k.

  36. 36 Corrina

    OMFG I don’t remember the last time I laughed so hard that I scared my dogs. Your poll, where you included the word “epileptic-y” damn near made me pee my pants. Seriously… That was genius.

    I read your review and wasn’t surprised that your writing was rated solid. You’re effing hilarious! You’re header does give me seizures, but who cares? I recover every time! LOL

    Congrats on your review sister! You kick ass so I don’t have to.

    Corrina’s last blog post..Stopping To Breathe

  37. 37 JD

    Butt Spi…I mean, Corrina: I truly hope you didn’t pee your pants. That’s way worse than scaring dogs, who I think bounce back pretty quickly. Anyway, thank you.

    I hope the seizures are the good “epileptic-y” kind?

    As long as you recover to keep up with your fantastic blog.

    We BOTH kick ass!

  38. 38 Monkey Tale

    I just submitted my blog over there for a review myself. I’m pretty sure my template will get ripped but I’m hoping for a little feedback on content. I guess I’ll have to see how it goes.

    Monkey Tale’s last blog post..Riddles Keep The Mind Sharp

  39. 39 elasticwaistbandlady

    I got slammed on my humor-blogs review….so much so that even Diesel and Frogster from Frog Blog took pity on me and denounced the reviews as unfair.

    That was enough humiliation to last the whole year through. Maybe next January I’ll feel brave enough to re-submit my blog somewhere.

    elasticwaistbandlady’s last blog post..From The ‘Cheez-Its, How Many Blogs Can One Woman Possibly Have?’ Files

  40. 40 elasticwaistbandlady

    By the way, I think your blog schtick is genius. And you don’t have to wrack your brain coming up with titles. I’ve never written a blog review before but I can say this, I’m kind of a blog snob. I only return voluntarily (outside comment reciprocation) to blogs I reaaaalllly like.

    You didn’t have me at ‘Hello’ but you did have me from the very first ‘I Do Things……’

    elasticwaistbandlady’s last blog post..From The ‘Cheez-Its, How Many Blogs Can One Woman Possibly Have?’ Files

  41. 41 JD

    Monkey Tale: Hey, I know you from EntreCard! Welcome! I’ll check to see when your review goes up and I’ll be wishing you luck.

    elasticwaistbandlady:Aw. I’m sorry you got a bad review. I don’t remember reading that one, but I won’t go looking for it. I like you just the way you are.

    Thanks for the kind words. I do sometimes have to think about titles. Not everything I want to write about fits neatly into the “I do things” template, but I just force it.

    A blog snob! I’m flattered!

  42. 42 diaper cake

    You are a brave soul for sending your blog into the review site. He did a nice job butchering the english language and pretty much giving you a unrelevent review. I sent my site in there and he said it was great and marvelous and the best heading he has ever seen on a blog, so I’m not sure what you can take from these guys.

  43. 43 JD

    diaper cake: I don’t take too much, other than a few laughs and motivation to change my header. I’m glad you got a good review — for what that’s worth! I may have to look that up.


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