Well, yesterday was the big event.
There were no potatoes. No blood, no screaming, no name-calling. Just a lot of watery wax. I’m sorry. Are you eating breakfast right now?
Yesterday I got my ears flushed out after a delicious four-day eardrop regime that left me weak and trembling from a series of nonstop eargasms. Read about it here.
(Dave, while reading the previous post: “Ewwww! There was waxy, yellow goo on your pillow?” followed by: “I didn’t realize you were enjoying this so much.”)
I can’t take credit for coming up with the brilliant “eargasm.” Several commenters used the term AND it’s on Urban Dictionary with about 40 entries, including:
- A purging of tension in the middle ear canal that feels extraordinarily acute, a bit itchy, and orgasmically pleasurable.
Putting on my headphones, my middle ear canals adjusted pressure to receive the sounds, giving me an eargasmic sensation as the canals fluttered with sharp pleasure.
- The ecstatic sensation one experiences while cleaning one’s ears deeply with a Q-tip.
A: “You really seem to enjoy cleaning your ears.”
B: “Shhhh! I’m having an eargasm.”
- The uncontrollable pleasure that causes your body to convulse with amazing feelings of nirvana upon hearing a kicking song.
“Allen, I think I just had an eargasm.”
“You sure did, Howard.”
But getting your ears flushed out is not eargasmic. My previous procedures were painful and terrifying, so I was pretty nervous as I sat in the waiting room. I clutched my lucky globe. I texted a friend, even tho I know she doesn’t check her phone. It just made me feel better to send the message “im scared” out into the universe. There was a three-foot skeleton in the exam room that I found strangely comforting. I felt like the skeleton was saying, “Hey. I’m a three-foot skeleton. You think you’ve got problems?” I also texted a picture of the skeleton.
After my doctor checked my ears to make sure the drops had done their job, she produced the flusher instrument, which looks like a large Water-Pik/torture device.
Have you ever buried a power drill deep into your ear and turned it on high? That’s kind of what an ear-flushing feels like, only with a jet of water forcefully sprayed into your brain. I could stand it for about 2 seconds before I started scooting away, causing water to gush all over my hair, clothes, the doctor, and possibly the skeleton.
But my doctor was great. She let me stop about 100 times to collect myself. The procedure was really not painful, but there’s a feeling of pressure and . . . HORRIBLENESS . . . that is very hard to just sit still and take. Luckily, even with my 100 breaks, the whole thing took about 3 minutes.
I couldn’t videotape my own flushing-out procedure, so I checked out YouTube. Searching on “ear flushing” brought up videos titled “Hatred Propagated among Chinese in New York City,” “Hotel Toilet Is Scary,” and a series of Nancy Drew episodes. I did find a video showing a disturbingly close-up view of wax being removed from someone’s hairy ear with a long metal instrument . . .
. . . but I think I’ve put you through enough for one week.
Click here for relief of inner ear pressure and itching.