I Got Drunk

Beeeeer
It’s liquid bread, it’s good for you

beer.jpg

OK, for years now, you guys have been getting drunk so I don’t have to. It’s time I stepped up to the plate and did my part.

Yesterday, Dave and I took my mom to a local fair, where we enjoyed beautiful weather, greasy food, and that delicious sense of summery carefree laziness. All conditions were go. I decided to end my 10-year dry spell and have a brewski. (Are they still calling it that?)

The story of why I quit drinking is a boring one. (But the stories of my drinking? Totally hilarious and mortifying!)

Dave is thrilled that I’m having a beer and happily fetches me a foamy Bud. I take a sip, and I’m violently transported to the hallway of my college dorm. Yes, I’ve drunk many a beer since college, but there’s something about drinking out of a plastic cup while surrounded by a bunch of freaks that takes me right back to those keggers of yore.

My second sip reminds me that beer sucks. It really doesn’t taste that great. But I am enjoying the almost instant buzz. By the third sip . . .

The Good

. . . I’m drunk! And suddenly the freaks all look beautiful, even that scary Harley guy over there. I love you, Scary Harley Guy! I’d forgotten that when I’m drunk I fall in love with everyone. Especially the men. OK, only the men. Only the good-looking men. Why have I never noticed how many good-looking men there are in this world! I want them all! Luckily, Dave is the best, so I just bump into him affectionately as we walk along. He knows me too well, tho, and when I stop to watch a guy chainsawing a stump into a Cubs logo, he says, “If you love that guy so much, why don’t you MARRY him?” The fact that the chainsaw guy is a scrawny burnout wearing a trucker hat deters neither of us.

Food tastes better when you’re drunk. And, by “drunk” I mean I’ve had one and one-quarter plastic cups of beer. I liberally pump ketchup on my fries only to be told by the counter guy that that red stuff is actually pizza sauce. It seems very important that I pretend to this total stranger that I ALWAYS eat my fries with pizza sauce.

I’m not the only one having a problem with the condiments. Dave tells me that the relish came in a plastic squeeze-bottle with a tiny opening, so his poor bratwurst is dressed only in watery green juice. “No pickle pieces came out.” As we leave the food tent, he makes me look at the relish bottle. “This is the relish of which I spoke,” he said solemnly.

The Bad

I’m full of grease, which has soaked up all the beer and all the buzz. What remains is the urgent need to pee. Was it only an hour ago that I was joking merrily with my mom about avoiding the Port-a-Johns at all cost? What was once a hilarious joke is now a sobering reality. I gotta go. Dave does too, but he refuses to use the john next to mine (?) I assume the hover position, but damn. My quads aren’t as strong as they used to be. My quivering legs admit defeat and slowly lower until my butt touches the very wet seat.

After rifling furiously through my purse for my hand sanitizer (which I intend to use as a butt sanitizer—YES! right there in front of everyone!), I give up and decide to accept that I have contracted a butt virus that will just have to wait until I get home and can soak it in boiling bleach.

The Worst

Beer, food, butt virus . . . let the downward spiral begin. I start to feel tired and cranky. Luckily, my mood picks up when the main band comes on. It’s American English! But even the faux Liverpudlian accents can’t bring me out of my torpor. The woman in front of me is dancing stupidly and I can only glower at her lime-colored flip-flops. I’m so full and crabby, I couldn’t eat a funnel cake even if I’d been able to use my hand sanitizer.

The End

But it was a lovely evening. I don’t regret my wild drunken spree, although I can’t say the hour-long buzz was worth the ensuing black mood. As I sulked in the car on the way home, Dave imparted these words of wisdom: “When I drink, I try to time it so that when the dramatic tiredness sets in, I’m ready to go to bed anyway.”

Good advice, Dave. In 10 years, when I have another beer, that’s what I’ll do.

You’ll find nary a teetotaler at humor blogs

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36 Comments


36 Responses to “I Got Drunk”

  1. 1 Elle

    Ah, yes, beer. For those of us who have not maintained the relationship, it certainly ain’t what it used to be. If I had a nickel for every beer I’ve drunk since college, hmmm, I’d have a quarter or so. And now that I’m officially old and delicate, I’ll use it to batter chicken thank you.

    Hope the butt virus was not deadly. Not getting ME in any festival port-a-lets either. I’ll die of renal failure first.

    Elle’s last blog post..Spending Way Too Much Time Online

  2. 2 Alice

    I don’t know if I laughed more at the pizza sauce or your weak quads. Great post!

    Alice’s last blog post..Movie Meme Because I’m Lazy

  3. 3 Natural

    LOL. 3 sips and you’re drunk. I was thinking of liquor this weekend and how I wanted to indulge. It was either gas for the car or liquor for my bar. I have a have a tank of gas now.

    Hold on though, I might join you later. And I thought we agreed to keep our butts off other people’s toilet seats. lol Dang, I feel drunk just reading that.

    Natural’s last blog post..No Internet Connection

  4. 4 Samsara

    You’re a wild woman! No doubt about it and how I so much relate with the black and sullen mood. Of course…my bleakness settled in when I was cut off. Bastids.

    Samsara’s last blog post..What People Think of Me is None of my Business

  5. 5 Lori

    Are you sure you aren’t me? That’s exactly how I hold my alcohol!!

  6. 6 Daisy the Curly Cat

    You are one of the funniest people I know! I hope you did not pick up any cooties from that toilet seat. Sometimes I take too much catnip. But the craziest thing I ever did under the influence of ‘nip was go number 2 without covering.

    Daisy the Curly Cat’s last blog post..Photo Hunters: Pointed

  7. 7 Jeff

    Ewww, you sat on porta-pee!

    For your next time, here’s the routine…
    1. Take about a pound of TP and wipe the seat completely dry.
    2. Take another pound of TP and liberally cover all exposed surfaces of the seat.
    3. Sit down on protected seat and do your thang.

    Oh, and try to do all 3 of those things while holding your breath the entire time.

  8. 8 Babs - beetle

    Oh my! That was hilarious! I have to agree with Jeff though. Cover the seat well before squatting. Then when the quivering legs can’t hold out any longer, you don’t get wet.

    I thought the quivering legs came on later in life. I don’t feel so old now ;O)

    Babs – beetle’s last blog post..Wash day blues – 1950′s style

  9. 9 jennypenny

    I’ve never had a beer in my entire life. As kids my sister and I were obliged to clean up after a mean drunk we were forced to call “Daddy” even though he was no relation to us, and believe me when you smell the warmish morning-after remnants of beer with cigarette butts floating in it, the last thing you ever want to do is imbibe the stuff. And though I’ve never been sorry I don’t drink, after reading your post I’m gladder than ever! But as always you’re awfully funny, JD. Hope you had a happy fourth despite the self-imposed sulk at the end!

    jennypenny’s last blog post..From July Forth

  10. 10 JD

    Elle: Hey, chicken batter! I never thought of that. Probably only half the buzz but none of the crabbiness.

    My butt seems OK so far, thanks for asking.

    Alice: Thank you! That pizza sauce was . . . interesting. As for my quads, I’m starting a strict regimen of squats on Monday.

    Natural: I think I might’ve been better off filling up my tank instead of my bladder. And, you’re right: I did swear never again to touch a wet toilet seat. I just didn’t expect that I’d get so drunk!

    Samsara: Heh. I had the foresight to cut myself off, or else I would’ve been much worse. Hooray for wild women!

    Lori: I mayDaisy the Curly Cat: Thank you! That’s quite a compliment, coming from you! Not covering up is certainly a crazy act. I hope you handle your catnip more responsibly in the future.

    Jeff: I know! EWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! See, it was the breath-holding that threw me. I started to feel dizzy. I thought I was OK in the hover position, but my once-powerful thighs let me down.

    Are you sure 2 pounds is enough? That seems awfully flimsy.

    Babs – beetle: I’ve learned my lesson. No more will I assume my legs can hold me. Maybe it was the flashback to college years that made me feel so foolishly young and reckless.

    jennypenny: Wow, that’s a sad story. I’m sorry you had to go through that. And I can see how that would put you off beer forever. You’re really not missing much, believe me. (Boy, I would NEVER have said that 25 years ago!)

  11. 11 Meg

    Getting drunk so I don’t have to? That ain’t happening.

    But I am glad you’re blogging about drinking beer so I don’t have to. Lately a friend has complained that I blog too much about drinking beer. And she’s right, I do. But I don’t have a problem with that because I looovee beer. I just feel people should drink responsibly–meaning they should drink micro-brewed beers at near-room temperatures out of a proper glass. not ice-cold Bud out of a plastic cup.

    Oops, sorry. Just can’t help blogging about beer even though this is not my blog.

    Just know that I hold nothing against you for not drinking. You are one funny gal and I’d love to hang with you drunk or sober.

    Meg’s last blog post..In Which I Stalk Close to Home

  12. 12 Kathy

    Hilarious post, woman! If I’m drunk, I’d so ask for pizza sauce fries and greasy fried dough right off a menu. And bring it with a side of lard! Of course, I haven’t actually been drunk since 1992, but my recollection is that I would pretty much eat anything AND not worry a whole lot about sitting on pee. That’s what showers and antibiotics are for.

    Have a better buzz next time, will ya?

    Kathy’s last blog post..More Ventrogluteal Fun

  13. 13 Tim

    Working construction, I have seen some disgusting porta potties in my time. I wish I could get a buzz on before I have to go in!
    I had no idea you were so beer deprived. I feel kinda sorry for you now.

  14. 14 JT

    Butt Sanitizer! ROFL!!!!! I’m so getting a bottle and hanging it off my keys so I have it at the ready.
    I rarely get drunk, but I frequently have a drink or two, and I’m all with Meg there. Micro-brewed is the best! There’s this micro-brewery down in Las Cruces called the High Desert Brewery or something like that. Anyway, they have the most scrumptious Chocolate Stout known to Womankind. I drink enough to have a fairly decent tolerance, but one glass of that knocked me on my butt clean out of there. So of course, I bought a nice big jug to bring home. It went pretty fast, and I’m not ashamed to admit, I didn’t share one drop!

    JT’s last blog post..And now for the requisite fireworks pictures

  15. 15 Canucklehead

    If you are going to continue in this way I may have to revoke your statues. Now listen, I’m as happy as the next guy that you do all this crazy shit so I don’t have to – but you my friend are treading dangerously close to Canucklehead territory. Of course, I kid – keep up the good work. Wait! Its okay if I go ahead and get drunk as well right?

  16. 16 Canucklehead

    ps – statues = status. Busted – I’m already drunk. So drunk I am now actually considering revoking you statues. Cheers!

  17. 17 JD

    Meg: I think we can all agree after this post that EVERYONE else can get drunk so I don’t have to. I’m sure all of y’all out there are better at this than me.

    And you’re right: when I used to drink beer more regularly, I never drank Bud or anything that was pale or watery. I used to love Carlsburg Special Dark and some of those fancy micro-brews. And never out of a plastic cup.

    Thanks so much for stopping by. I’m a LOT more fun when I’m sober!

    Kathy: Thank you! Yeah, I wish they’d had some lard at one of the food stalls. That goes great with pizza sauce and watery relish. When I think back to some of the places I peed . . . brrrrr It makes my butt break out in hives just thinking about it.

    Tim: Don’t feel sorry for me! Remember, I still have muscle relaxers and sweet, sweet Vicodin.

    JT: When that one glass of stout knocked you on your butt, did you have butt sanitizer handy? I hope so. And yes, again, to the delights of the microbrewery. If I ever have a beer again, I’ll have something with a much longer and more clever name than “Bud.”

    Canucklehead: No! Not my statues! I’ll never drink again, I promise! Oh, statutes. Well, I don’t care about them. Nevertheless, keep drinking. It only makes you funnier.

  18. 18 Jay

    Oh, I can’t tell you how glad I am that you did that so I don’t have to! Not only because I’m forced to be teetotal these days, either! ROFL!

    Jay’s last blog post..Muir Woods

  19. 19 ann of the shampoo bag

    The thought of those port-o-potties makes me shudder. The waiting in line, the nervous sweat, the dark interior, murmuring of prayers, hoping against hope that I’ll make it out alive, reminds me of my Catholic grade school days when our entire class would go to weekly confessions.
    Wow, I still can’t shake that stuff after all these years. Maybe I need more beer.

  20. 20 Regan

    Ugh, I hate potta-potties. They’re gross, and who knows where the waste goes?

    Well, I’m not old enough to drink, but from that amusing story, I don’t think drinking is too happy. Except for the first part, of course.

  21. 21 fatbastard

    I just started a hiatus from the beer/wine/whiskey in my effort to lose weight. Glad you’ve taken my place!

    fatbastard’s last blog post..The Gap

  22. 22 Tiggy

    JD, you managed to drink yourself into a stupor by consuming Budweiser? My God, how many gallons did you need?

    Next time, I recommend the finest Belgian Trappist beer, lovingly hand-brewed by monks. Alcoholic content is a hefty 11.3%.

    I lost three days and my favourite pair of panties after drinking that stuff. Good times! I think.

    Tiggy’s last blog post..Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Omelette Wizard

  23. 23 Canucklehead

    Ummm, did someone lose a pair of undies with ‘Tiggy’ embroidered on them? My wife is none to happy – anyway, they’re over at my blog if you need them. Speaking of which, let me know if my pants show up – I woke up wearing some crazy monk outfit. Wild stuff …

  24. 24 Corrina

    That porta-potty thing made my butt itch. Thank you for doing THAT so I don’t have to. It sucks that beer and bladdes hate each other so. I pee more in one night of partying than I normally would all year.

    I’m glad you survived your night of drunken fun. You crazy kid you!

    Corrina’s last blog post..Happy 4th of July!

  25. 25 JD

    Jay: HA! I’m glad I made you ROFL! It’s certainly no fun being forced into teetotaling. With me, it was my own choice, and, as we all can see, a very wise one.

    ann of the shampoo bag: I know I’ve said this before, but WHEN are you going to start your own blog? Only a true humor writer/blogger would compare entering a port-o-potty with heading into confession! Yes, more beer!

    Regan: You are young but wise. And the first part is almost never worth the rest of it.

    (I’ve SEEN where the waste goes! They bring around a huge truck with a giant tube like a vacuum cleaner hose and suck it out. Where the truck goes, however, I do not know.)

    fatbastard: Congratulations! However, I think I’ll have to turn over the “get drunk” reigns to someone else. I gained two pounds over the weekend. TWO POUNDS! From one and one-quarter beer!

    Tiggy: I know. I’m lame. I think the fact that such a small amount of Bud got me wasted is a sure sign that your delicious-sounding monk beer would kill me, panties and all.

    Canucklehead: HA HA HA HA HA! As I suspected. Wherever there’s drunkeness and missing panties, Canucklehead will be found, wearing a monk’s outfit and guilty expression.

    Corrina: Yes, why the hate affair between beer and bladders? I hope your butt has stopped itching. Have you checked for spiders?

  26. 26 Natural

    JD from reading my comment, it looks like i was already drunk. what the freak was i trying to say. lol

    will you drink on the job so i don’t have to?

    Natural’s last blog post..We Interrupt This Program….

  27. 27 JD

    Natural: I was politely ignoring how drunk you sounded. I can’t promise to drink on the job, but how about if I take some muscle relaxers?

  28. 28 ann of the shampoo bag

    JD- thanks, but I live vicariously thru other blogs. I’m too lazy to have my own blog. I prefer to drop remarks and run. I wish it were a paying position, though.

    However, I’m almost too lazy for that. I’ve actually entertained the thought of paying my daughter, Regan to ghostwrite comments for me.

  29. 29 The Hypocritical One....

    Aaah….wet port-a-potty.

    You should petition to have handles installed up high in the john…then you can hold onto them and give your shaking legs a break.

    Then you take a picture as that would be verrryy funny.

    Would it seem odd that I’m a straight man who carries toilet seat covers in my car just for this occasion?

    The Hypocritical One….’s last blog post..Twig and berries

  30. 30 JD

    ann of the shampoo bag: Ah, laziness. Is there a better virtue? Well, Regan could probably make a killing ghostwriting comments. Hers are always among the funniest here and at The Junk Drawer.

    The Hypocritical One: Yes, it would seem odd, but who am I to judge? I’m the one with the wet butt. And I like your idea of handles; I’d just have to make sure there was another pound of toilet paper on hand so my hands wouldn’t have to make contact.

  31. 31 Shieldmaiden96

    Get the spray sanitizer. It dries faster and you don’t actually have to touch your contaminated cheeks.

    I too had a drunken encounter this weekend, though not one I would have preferred. Sunday morning, 0245….I responded to a 911 dispatch for a woman ‘semi conscious’ behind a local bar. Crew arrived to find her seated on the ground, unable to support the terrible weight of her own head, in a puddle of spew. Four of us hoisted her up and dropped her on the stretcher (I noticed her tramp stamp had ’69′ in the middle of it. Charming.), levered her into my nice clean ambulance, and she promptly rolled over and hosed it with about half a gallon of something in the Alabama Slammer family. Also my feet. I had sandals and shorts on. That’ll teach me to cover for someone on a Saturday night.

    Shieldmaiden96′s last blog post..Summer Reading for the Terribly Awake

  32. 32 JD

    Shieldmaiden96: Oh, what a great idea. And much less noticeable in the middle of a crowd. Your drunken experience sounds a lot more . . . wet than mine. Gross. I doubt my little bottle of hand sanitizer would’ve been much help.

  33. 33 Maureen

    Hahahaha! Pizza sauce! (actually that sounds kinda good….)

    Loved it!

  34. 34 Monique

    rofl!!!! omg, that brought back such horrific, yet now funny, memories of going to summer festivals.

    I hope your butt virus turns out to be a mild case. :)

    Monique’s last blog post..Gee, That’s Just What I Wanted.

  35. 35 JD

    Maureen: It wasn’t bad. Of course, I was drunk, so why believe me?

    Thank you!

    Monique: Thankfully, yes, the butt virus didn’t develop into the sometimes-deadly Ebola Butt. A good soaking in bleach will usually prevent that.

    Thanks for stopping by!

  36. 36 Demiera

    First: they do still call beer brewskis lol
    That sounds like it was absolutely horrifying but a lot of fun in a weird way
    Port-a-potties are why I don’t drink anywhere but at a party. I can barely stand those things sober, much less with a little alcohol in me…
    At least you just escaped with the possibility of a butt virus
    I’d have probably fallen into the toilet :P

    Demiera’s last blog post..Add “Jesse Jackson” To The List of People Who Still Haven’t Figured It Out


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