I Got Covered in Tar

Su-su-sushi don’t you cry
Take you to the sushi bar and buy you some
Fillet and claw
Clam and tuna
Gonna eat it raw

So then there was that time I was covered in tar.

The end.

Oh, you want details. Well, you would.

Listen, y’all can get covered in tar all by yourselves. You don’t need me to do it! Here’s how it works:

  • Park your car 8 blocks from the sushi place because you’re always afraid you won’t find a closer parking space and you’ll end up circling endlessly while your sushi sits there getting stale.
  • Walk 7 blocks in broiling heat.
  • Encounter a large tar patch that has NO signs or blockades or whatever to keep you from walking on it.
  • Look around nervously. There is literally no way to avoid that tar.
  • Place one flip-flopped foot (yes, those adorable pink Paul Frank flip-flops that you wear 24/7 [YES, in bed!] even though you’re supposed to be wearing orthotics, but dang, it’s hot and your feet sweat) gingerly on the tarred surface.
  • Pay close attention to that sinking feeling. It’s telling you that you should’ve found a detour because this tar is NOT DRY. Your flip-flops are sticking. It’s the freaking La Brea Tar Pit all up in here and YOU’RE WALKING IN IT DUMBASS!
  • But what else can you do? There are no signs!
  • Grimly, you pull each foot up and with it, about a pound of tar. You feel large chunks of it hit the back of your legs as you walk.
  • The name “flip-flop” begins to take on a darker meaning.
  • Reach down to flick off those bits of tar from your leg. Realize tar doesn’t flick so much as stick.
  • Try flinging former leg tar off of hand. It won’t fling either.
  • For god’s sakes, don’t . . . DON’T. Oh, man. You did. You’re going to have to cut off that piece of hair, you know.
  • Your face will now begin to itch. Whatever you do . . . boy, you just don’t listen, do you?
  • Enter sushi place and ignore the fact that everyone is staring in horror at this tar-encrusted monster who is flinging and flicking and shaking and scratching.
  • Pay for sushi with tar-covered money from your tar-filled purse and take your sorry tarry ass home.

Once you’re in the safety of your locked bedroom, consult the experts on tar removal:

These experts will not help you so much as make fun of you, but there’s healing to be found in being mocked and humiliated.

Eat your sushi and quit complaining.

*        *        *

Hey, speaking of tar, remember that guest post on skin tag removal? Guess who wrote that?

GUESS, I said.

It was our friend Junk Drawer Kathy!

Yup. She didn’t want to say “hooha” at her place, so she dragged her triumphant but gag-inducing story of skin tags and lady parts over here, where all manner of grossness is welcome and treated with the respect it deserves.

Thank you, Kathy! (AKA: “Some Lady.”)

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43 Comments


43 Responses to “I Got Covered in Tar”

  1. 1 nathan

    Thanks for the smile; this is funny stuff.
    I do hope you enjoyed your sushi finally!!

  2. 2 Kathy

    Hilarious! I’m smiling ear to ear at your tar agony. That’s right, your misery loves my company.

    Signed,
    Some Lady

    HOOHA!!!
    .-= Kathy´s last blog ..The Copier’s Over Here Next to the Irony =-.

  3. 3 absepa

    Sorry about the tarry mess. Was the sushi worth it, at least?

    I wondered if “some lady” was Kathy–the writing reminded me of her style–but I had never known her to use a word like “hooha.” It’s tough when you want to write something on your blog, but you know it’s not really right for your audience. My boss, most of my family, AND my pastor are all Facebook friends (and my blog is linked to my FB), so I have to be kind of careful about what I write. I probably wouldn’t use “hooha” either. I’m dealing with that right now, trying to come up with a post about my recent surgery. Does “lady parts” sound better? Or “reproductive organs?” :)
    .-= absepa´s last blog ..Please pardon this interruption =-.

  4. 4 Kathy

    @ absepa

    Hooha!

    I’m laughing because it was mainly my parents who I didn’t want reading that. My 85-year-old father would be likely to turn to my mother and ask “Helen, what’s a hooha?” He already asked me what a “mojo” was (from a previous post).

    “Lady parts” is fine and good. Go with it.
    .-= Kathy´s last blog ..The Copier’s Over Here Next to the Irony =-.

  5. 5 dcr

    So, here’s the thing…

    You put one flip-flop in, realized it wasn’t quite dry, yet you stuck the next foot in and kept on going?

    How desperately hungry for sushi were you?
    .-= dcr´s last blog ..Because We All Need to Save Money These Days =-.

  6. 6 Stephanie Barr

    Here’s a heart-felt thank you. I begin to see why I don’t eat sushi, other than that sort of sweet rice wine vinegar.

    I’ve always liked “nether region” as opposed to “hooha,” – less Marines sounding – but I’d use either.
    .-= Stephanie Barr´s last blog ..Collaboration =-.

  7. 7 Ron

    “Your flip-flops are sticking. It’s the freaking La Brea Tar Pit all up in here and YOU’RE WALKING IN IT DUMBASS!”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…Oh dear god I love you, women. That was hysterical!

    Having lived in Florida for 20 years, I SO know what you’re talking about. The constant heat is forever melting the tar on the streets, which ends up sticking to everything. First, your shoes. Then, you end up tracking it everywhere you go.
    .-= Ron´s last blog ..We Are Never Alone =-.

  8. 8 GoingLikeSixty

    I used to chew tar.
    The End.

  9. 9 babs - beetle

    You could have posted your flip flops to me. I could have sat smelling them all day. Just love the smell of soft tar :))

    Hooha means a lot of fuss and noise doesn’t it? At least that’s my definition of it. Why would Kathy not want her dad reading about that I wonder ;)
    .-= babs – beetle´s last blog ..Starry- Starry Night Hah! =-.

  10. 10 puglette

    yikes! tar, soft asphalt…what awful, stinky, stucky stuff. your poor pink flip flops! did they survive the ordeal? what method of removal did you finally use? while you were in the tar pit, did you see any fossilized remains?

    i would like to add my two cents on the whole personal censorship issue. this is exactly why i have been neglecting my “what happened” blog. i let too many people read it that may ask embarrassing questions or may be horribly disappointed in what they read. it makes the whole sharing honestly idea fly right out the window. i mean, how can i share my sex, drugs and rock and roll past when my mother in law will read it? she does not hesitate to ask really personal questions. sigh….
    have a tar free day, my friend!
    hugs,
    puglette
    :o)
    .-= puglette´s last blog ..Awards and Internet Funnies =-.

  11. 11 Surfie

    This post made me think of that scene in the book Flowers in the Attic, where the crazy grandma poors tar all over the oldest girl’s hair while she’s sleeping.

    The most important question, however, is did you get to eat your sushi while it was still fresh?
    .-= Surfie´s last blog ..Mellow Yellow Monday- Giant Hibiscus Flower in Maui =-.

  12. 12 Kathleen Kaufman

    I’m glad you escaped. But, it would have made a really kick-ass blog photo-op if you had had to call for help and be lifted out of the tar by a hunky firefighter.

    Of course….your sushi most definitely would have been past its prime by the time you made it to the restaurant……
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..Down With The First Amendment- And Dr Laura =-.

  13. 13 Sue Seese

    I’ve only mentioned my boobs in my posts and then I put a warning up for my brother. Never mentioned hooha, but have refered to a visit from Aunt Flo. My dad asked my mom who Aunt Flo was and why he’s never met her.

    Nothing is worth sinking in tar for me so thanks so much doing it.

  14. 14 MomZombie

    This is way worse than the time I walked around all afternoon with dried bits of pureed pumpkin on the back of my pants. I’d visited a friend’s daycare center earlier in the day and took a few moments to bend down and talk with the wee ones. How do they show their appreciation? Flinging pureed pumpkin at my butt and legs, that’s how. I can only imagine what folks must have thought. At least pumpkin washes out. Tar, that’s a lifetime commitment.
    .-= MomZombie´s last blog ..Man- this explains a lot =-.

  15. 15 Daisy the Curly Cat

    You have moved me to sing a fancy song:

    ? Tarry, tarry night.
    Paint your palette blue and grey,
    Look out on a summer’s day,
    With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
    Shadows on the hills,
    Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
    Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
    In colors on the snowy linen land. ?
    .-= Daisy the Curly Cat´s last blog ..Look What I Saw! =-.

  16. 16 Florida Girl in Sydney

    Oh JD, that sounds so absolutely horribly not fun at all. What a tarry old mess– but why oh why didn’t you at least get a bag of feathers and relish in the moment.

    I hope you’re all cleaned up now, but I actually do wish you had some photos for us on this one… perfect nudist opportunity with tar in all the right places….
    .-= Florida Girl in Sydney´s last blog ..Winter Festival at Bondi Beach &amp Good Food and Wine Show =-.

  17. 17 cardiogirl

    Oy, the point of no return. When you mentioned the first foot in and then the decision to go for it you reminded me of a game we used to play as kids.

    One person laid on the floor, on her stomach, while the other person stepped on her back with one foot, sort of hurdling over her. The thought was that you could somehow put less weight on that foot crushing the person’s back.

    If you tried hard enough. And that’s what I thought about the tar. If you tried hard enough to only use 10% of your body weight you could have run through that tar unscathed.

    I had that same thought as a kid and it never worked out. Was the sushi worth it?
    .-= cardiogirl´s last blog ..How to write a blog post =-.

  18. 18 Lin

    You do NOT have your photo of you and Tim Gunn as your FB i.d.!!! Why didn’t I think of that???! Criminy. I’m gonna go switch my photo NOW!

    And as my mother would say…”That’s what you get for wearing those flip-floppy things and not a supportive shoe with your orthotics”. Sigh. That sucks. Who cares about your skin–did the shoes make it???
    .-= Lin´s last blog ..Commence boo-hooing =-.

  19. 19 JD

    nathan: Thank YOU! Yes, I did enjoy my sushi. And I didn’t even get any tar on it!

    Kathy: “Targony”? Anyway, thank you, and thanks again for playing the role of Some Lady so beautifully. Your hooha is always welcome here. (EWWW!)

    absepa: Sushi is ALWAYS worth it! I wondered if anyone would “hear” Kathy’s voice in the skin tag post. To me, it seemed so obvious, but of course, I knew it was her. If you ever need to discuss your hooha, feel free to submit a guest post to I Do Things. I bet your pastor never reads THIS blog.

    Kathy: Heh. I can’t say I blame your parents. Hoohas? Mojo? It’s all too much. And I agree. absepa: “reproductive organs” sounds like an anatomy class I never wanted. “Lady parts” is, well, ladylike!

    dcr: I know, I know, but once I’d started, it seemed too late to back down. I had to go through with it. It was part desperate hunger for sushi and part stubborn dumbassedness.

    Stephanie Barr: You’re very welcome. I will eat all the sushi no one wants. Unless it’s stale. When I hear “hooha” I’m always reminded of a MASH episode, where Colonel Potter enters some hilarious situation and asks, “What’s all the hooha?” My husband I still crack each other up with that, years later. “Nether regions” is good. It sounds appropriately vague.

    Ron: Oh, god, yes! I tracked it into the sushi place and then (still in dumbass mode) into my house). I thought the bottoms of my beautiful flip-flops were ruined, but the tar eventually wore off (because I tracked it in other people’s houses and places of business). What a nightmare.

    GoingLikeSixty: “The End”? Damn. I want to hear more about that story. I’m pretty sure I ate some tar that day, but it was unintentional.

    babs – beetle: YOU WEIRDO! Ugh, I can’t stand the smell of tar. Also, I think this is a ploy to get your mitts on my cute pink Paul Frank sandals. Yes, you’re right about that definition of “hooha” (see my Colonel Potter scenario above). But I also think we’ve begun to use a variety of cute, semi-meaningless words to describe our lady parts. I would list them here, but . . . I feel a blog post coming on.

    puglette: It was awful. The tar seemed to take on a life of its own. I really wasn’t exactly covered in it, but it was on the backs of my legs, my hand, MY HAIR, and my face. Gross. First I panicked and tried showering it off (ha!) and then I appealed to Facebook. I calmly let it dry and then scraped it off with a metal spatula. It did not come off easily. And I did have to cut off a piece of my precious hair. I’m sorry not everyone can share stories about their hoohas on their blogs. There are people who read my blog, and I cringe thinking about them (friends of my mom, my aunt, who knows who else), but so far no one has ever questioned or criticized me. So I’m lucky. Now, if my dad were still alive, this might be a very different blog!

    Surfie: Oh, my god, I remember that! Those books were so creeeepy. Thank Zod I only had a bit of tar in my hair; I was able to just cut it out. And yes, I ate my delicious fresh sushi and enjoyed every bit of it. Even tho the aroma of tar kind of ruined everything.

    Kathleen Kaufman: Damn. I see now I missed a great opportunity. But I just know that hunky fireman would’ve been all contemptuous and mad at me for wasting his time. “Don’t you know you’re not supposed to walk in wet tar?” he would’ve yelled. Not sure I could’ve post a photo of me crying in shame.

    Sue Seese: You’re welcome. Yeah, see, my dad is no longer with us. If he were still here, there would be many awkward questions. Of course, I would trade this blog for having my dad back. Uh . . . you don’t think they get wireless in heaven, do you?

    MomZombie: Boy, I don’t know. Tar is bad, but pumpkin is pretty embarrassing. At least it wasn’t your fault. It’s not like you chose to deliberately walk through a field of pumpkin puree. But that doesn’t mean I still won’t laugh at the thought of children flinging it at you.

    Daisy the Curly Cat: Oh, Daisy, that is one of my very favorite fancy songs! I used to have the 45 and would listen to it over and over. I seem to remember slightly different lyrics, but I am old and could very well be wrong.

    Florida Girl in Sydney: Yeah, I should’ve taken some photos (clothing-optional), but I think the description was probably better than actual photo proof. Plus I had tar in my hair. That might’ve been too traumatic for some readers. (PS: I have always had a strange fear of being tarred and feathered. I Googled some photos of “tar and feather” to possibly use with this post, and the results were TERRIFYING!)

    cardiogirl: The sushi was worth it. That’s an interesting game you played. Was anyone ever injured? I could’ve tried tripping more lightly across the tar, but I felt so self-concious that I just had to pretend I’d intended to walk through that wet tar and just take it like a man. I regret the decision.

  20. 20 Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    Nathan wants to thank you for a measly smile? I want to thank you for making me laugh out loud, you silly tarred goose!

    I’m also sorry I missed the opportunity to mock and humiliate you on international webbery, because nothing says “I love you” like kicking someone when they’re down.
    .-= Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog ..Anti-self-deprecation is the New Black =-.

  21. 21 Shadowsrider

    Another gem! I remember losing many flip flops to tarry roads when I was a kid in Louisiana. (sometimes the flip flop sticks forever)
    .-= Shadowsrider´s last blog ..Shout out for Natural Balance dog food =-.

  22. 22 Jen

    I want to read the post you write after you smoke it. I hadn’t even realized I commented on your Facebook query and yet if you look at my comment you can see that I had no idea what the heck was going on.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..The Dentist =-.

  23. 23 meleah rebeccah

    Oh My God!! Please tell me the ice worked? And I am SO sorry you had to cut off a lock of that gorgeous hair of yours!

    * If this ever happens again? Next time please include photos of you as the tar-encrusted monster who is flinging and flicking and shaking and scratching!!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..My Nephew Bowls The Epic Movie Edition =-.

  24. 24 Lauren

    LOL! You’re like a little kid, always getting into something.

    Did you at least get to autograph the tar below your embedded flip-flop prints? Maybe not such a great idea.

    However, all the negatives do equal a positive. Tar and sushi is a great combo. Tar prevents the sushi from popping off the plate when trying to grab a piece with chopsticks. But then the chopsticks become permanently affixed to your fingertips and you become a cheapened version of Edward Scissorhands.
    .-= Lauren´s last blog ..Palins Unabridged Words to Nowhere =-.

  25. 25 Scrooge

    I do not thinks I would likes tar. But I do likes sushi but too bad so do She so She do not likes to share it with me.
    .-= Scrooge´s last blog ..She and Me Go Fishing Again =-.

  26. 26 Patricia (Ow.)

    Can ripping tar off skin get rid of skin tags?

    I can’t think of a single food for which I’d walk through tar. It would especially NOT be a fish product in Chicago in the summertime at what feels like 105F.

    Alas, when I was a child in Louisiana…okay, I was never a child in Lousiana, but as an adult I know its not a good idea to wear flip flops on Bourbon Street, especially around Mardi Gras time…throw away Keds are the way to go on this one, people. Nothing ruins a good pedicure like thousands of strawberry dacquiris that have retreated back to the pavement.

    P.S. I say ‘lady bits’ and I haven’t thought about ‘Flowers in the Attic’ for ages, but I remember it prompting sooo many questions. Or was that Blue Lagoon?

  27. 27 JD

    Margaret (Nanny Goats): HA! “Silly tarred goose.” How I’ve longed to hear someone call me that. Hey, it’s not too late to throw in your 2 cents of mockery. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

    Shadowsrider: Thank you! Luckily I was able to hang on to my flip-flops. And the layer of tar stuck to the bottoms has since worn off. I love those damn flip-flops!

    Jen: Heh. That’s the beauty of Facebook. People chime in on whatever. I promise, when I finally smoke tar, there will not only be a post — there will be a video.

    meleah rebeccah: The ice worked. Along with one of those mini hand-held ice scrapers. I don’t even miss the hair. I’ve had to cut out snarls before this. Maybe I should look into this combing thing. I’ll try to get photos next. Because: oh, yes. There will be a next time.

    Lauren: I know! I felt like a (stupid) little kid, walking in tar. Who does that? I wish I’d had my wits about me — I would’ve thought to get my handprints in there. I was afraid I’d find tar in my sushi. And that would’ve been a shame.

    Scrooge: I don’t share my sushi with anyone either, not even my beloved Gus and Pru who hover within inches of every bite I take.

    Patricia (Ow.): OMG, I think you may be on to something here! Next time I encounter a tar patch, I will apply some to my own personal skin tag (which is nowhere near my lady bits) and see what happens. Thanks for the tip about Bourbon Street. Perhaps I’ll just avoid it altogether.

  28. 28 meleah rebeccah

    “I’ll try to get photos next. Because: oh, yes. There will be a next time.”

    Ahahhahahahah!!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Sitting ‘Shoulda’ =-.

  29. 29 Elaine

    I know you probably wouldn’t want to replicate the experience, but this really reminds me of a face mask I was using that looks and feels exactly like tar: http://antithesis2.net/?p=1907.

    Cleans out the pores, supposedly.
    .-= Elaine´s last blog ..Interruption to Jenny’s mini-series- Guess that Profanity! =-.

  30. 30 Mom Taxi Julie

    Gotta love facebook! Someone always has the answer there. And someone is always happy to laugh at your pain lol.
    .-= Mom Taxi Julie´s last blog ..Adrian hangs out =-.

  31. 31 Nicky

    I’m not going to mock you. I heard tar is the new black. All the A-list celebrities and cool kids are wearing it.

    Ok, so none of the A-list or cool kids are wearing it.

    Just think, it could have been worse. You could have…um…you might have…well…

    Ok, so it couldn’t have been worse.

    Sushi is good.
    .-= Nicky´s last blog ..Time To Be Heard =-.

  32. 32 Anne

    I would wade through a puddle of warm tar for good sushi. Then, I too would consult the Internet for a solution. But I might wait until after I finish my sushi.

  33. 33 Jenny Beans

    At least you didn’t have to pee while covered in tar. May not be a comfort, but the very thought made me cry.

  34. 34 Kathleen Kaufman

    I, too, remember the Flowers in the Attic scene where the evil grandmother puts tar in Cathy’s hair. As a kid I was extremely empathetic for her plight as they tried to get it out, as an adult I want to tell her to quit whining and cut her tarry hair off.

    Glad you didn’t have to get rescued, you’re right, that would have required a significant amount of explaining.
    .-= Kathleen Kaufman´s last blog ..Save A Word! Adopt An Obscure Word Today! =-.

  35. 35 JD

    meleah rebeccah: You know it!

    Elaine: Huh. That tar face mask you linked to wasn’t quite as chunky as real tar, but it certainly had the color right. I’m not sure if I could put tar on my face (on purpose), but it’s good to know the product is out there.

    Mom Taxi Julie: Yeah, right! This same thing happened when I was getting ready for an MRI. Got LOTS of great “advice” for that.

    Nicky: The only way it could’ve been worse is if I had somehow gotten tar in my sushi. Otherwise, yeah. Pretty bad.

    Anne: I can see we are in total agreement over our love of sushi. It must come before anything, even tar removal. And it did. And the tar was much harder to remove as a result, dang it.

    Jenny Beans: Oh, dear god. Can you imagine? No. In no way did the tar interfere with my ability to pee.

    Kathleen Kaufman: I was terrified someone was going to come along and yell at me. “WHY ARE YOU WALKING IN WET TAR?” But I swear, there were no signs or anything. Having someone pour tar in my hair would probably be worse than actually walking through it.

  36. 36 Your Daily Cute

    What in tarnation?!
    .-= Your Daily Cute´s last blog ..Cutest Cat-Napping Cat Ever =-.

  37. 37 Your Daily Cute

    Sorry, had to… ;)
    .-= Your Daily Cute´s last blog ..Cutest Cat-Napping Cat Ever =-.

  38. 38 CatLadyLarew

    Damn, I hate it when I get tarred… but what I hate even more is when get feathered to go along with it…
    .-= CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..Youre So Brave =-.

  39. 39 Courtney

    Holy moly, wasn’t the tar hot enough to burn your skin!? The few times I’ve gotten (minimal) tar on the bottom of my shoe, I’ve burnt my fingers trying to remove it because, stupid me, doesn’t stop to think that this tar has been baking in the sun all day.

    This post made me giggle.

  40. 40 muskrat

    Nasty business, that tar. Which is why I choose not to wallow in it.
    .-= muskrat´s last blog ..shoot =-.

  41. 41 Jenn of Many Cabbages

    I can’t believe Kathy confessed to the skin tag story! What goods do you have on her to blackmail her with that forced her into confessing it was her? :)

    Actually, Kathy normally tells on herself anything that might be blackmail worthy and makes a funny post about it, so I suppose there’s really nothing you could do to her. :)
    .-= Jenn of Many Cabbages´s last blog ..Fruit of the Loom Guys Experience Spy Infiltration =-.

  42. 42 JD

    Your Daily Cute: TAR! I mean, HAR! Of course you had to.

    CatLadyLarew: Yeah, the feathering part is what you want to avoid.

    Courtney: I didn’t even notice the temperature of the tar, so mortified was I that I was walking through it. Of course, given the day, it must’ve been hot. Trust me to worry more about looking stupid than getting burned.

    muskrat: Good choice. But would you smoke it?

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